Ewan McGregor

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ewan McGregor.

Ewan Gordon McGregor (born 31 March 1971) is a famous Scottish archaeologist and part-time actor. His parents are the underestimated Buck and Ewe McGregor.

edit Early Life

Force

Babies are no match to the awesome Jedi powers of Ewan Mcgregor!

Ewan Gordon McGregor was born in Whales, Indiana on June 19th, 1999, on the date of his birth he was taken away from his family by Force master George Lucas to be trained in the ways of the geek. He landed his first starring role in Star Wars Episode, I Jar-Jar's Rise. In which he played Obi-Wan Kent, the future father of George Reeves. Episode one brought him fortune and glory, but he sought a life with greater meaning. When Ewan was 2 years old, the release of Episode II, Attack of the Rolling Stones increased his fame and riches. At the age of 5 he married actress Kate Browning, who was two years older than he, but they were in deep forbidden love. One year later he starred in Episode III, Rebirth of the Gungan, in which his character takes on a transformation from gallant hero to nostalgic old man. This film was his most successful ever, making him a gross 2.8 billion cents. 1991 sparked his affair with co-actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers in best-seller movie Velvet Goldmine. His wife was heartbroken, but got over it when Ewan took her back after he and Jonathan divorced over a misunderstanding involving an orange. As he got older he aged considerably, and when he reached the age of accountability he took his wife and suitcase, and told Lucas that he was leaving the occult that he had been a part of since birth.

He went to Soviet Russia where his wife divorced him claiming that she was "a child in love" at the time of their marriage. When he got back to the states he was flat broke and heartbroke. He was moping along on the streets of Hilly Hills for weeks until he realized that he had parked his car in a 6 hr. space and was deep in debt. He started volunteering for the library, where he made enough money to pay off his mistake.(the previous statement was made by an idiot, as VOLUNTEERING pays you with nothing more than knowing that you helped someone)

As fate would have it, before quitting he found a book on ancient artifacts, which sparked his archaelogical career.

edit Career

As above stated, McGregor starred in three films prior to his archaelogical escapades, but he never really found satisfaction in acting. Thus, he went to Naziland and defeated every single Nazi there. Later, when Nazi inspectors arrived to estimate the damage, they were so impressed that they named the next built ride IndEwana Jones. (The Improvised title has yet to be investigated.) When 24 year old McGregor returned to his home in Indiana, he wanted to relax for awhile, but his plane crashed, and he ended up in Sydney investigating the Documen-Taree Cult, which he had believed to have been dead for years. And though the maharaja, Jett Lucas, claimed that the cult was not being practiced in his county, McGregor suspected otherwise. He dug for 3 weeks before finding an underground temple, with the god of death residing in it, as well as a hundred followers and a million kids. Ewan was about to fight to his death, when a hideously shirtless George Lucas came up to him and told him that he belonged there with them. He reminded his former master that he had left because he did not feel right about it, and bartered to let them keep the kids if he could have three rocks he had seen under the statue. Lucas agreed, and sent McGregor off with his blessing.

edit Mole

Perhaps more famous than Ewan himself, is the massive mole that once protruded from his forehead. It has been theorized that the development of this giant fleshy outcropping was the result of McGregor's own personal attempt to evolve a third eye. Needless to say, self-willed speed-evolution is difficult to control. Rather than developing functional photosensitive components, the mole grew its own brain, and independent means of locomotion. Ewan MoleGregor, as the sentient pile of nevus cells came to be called, left McGregor's face in late 2007 to pursue a more varied career path. He went on to co-star in Magnum P.I.

edit The Death of Ewan McGregor

In 1978, he peacefully died of the old age of 69, after being impaled through the head with an umbrella for being a hug-stealing scottish whore. His former symbiote, Ewan MoleGregor presented his eulogy. His accomplishments in the field of competitive baby-eating still inspire us today.

In commemoration of his death, the entire Scandinavian nation of Argentina shut down for 25 seconds. Ewan's legend still lives on in popular folklore,with his essence being the primary inspiration for "The Little Mermaid". There is also a statue of Ewan in his home town of Nome, Alaska where small dwarfs come to worship. Thus he remains very much an important figure in the geek movement.

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