Evolution of the Cow
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“In Soviet Russia, cow eat YOU!”
The cow is a simple animal that enjoys cows of the opposite sex. They seem to mate quite abnormally often for a land-dwelling mammal. That is why we kill them for food. But really...where did they come from?! They eat grass and poop copiously, but why?
The Cow, I mean, What the Hell?
Many geologists are confused and baffled on the evolution of the cow. Ordinary bison, like the dairy cow, the heifer, and the bull have all been called into question on their existence. Cows seem to feel no physical pain, no mental pain, and are aggravated or frightened instantly by a firm, steady glance of “you look tasty”. However, if let to be on their own in the wild, the cow would forget how to eat grass and revert to drinking other cows’ urine as a lost train of thought and would not lay down for the lack of cow shit in the wide open desert where it would be most likely stranded. These things seem to not add up with other evolutionary advanced organisms, such as the common red squirrel. The red squirrel, when threatened (and hungry), will typically attack their enemy with a devastating force and chew off their gonads. This states in their dominance as a “Higher Squirrel”, and so the other intelligent life forms, such as the Six-Foot Baby tend to stay away from them. Even with the behavior and high intellect of a red squirrel, the typical dairy cow would not survive much more than a full minute unattended by a loyal farmer wearing suspenders made out of haywire. The reason being that the cow would begin to have brain lapses on when to breathe, when to think to breathe, when to think about thinking and put all the stress into the udder, causing milk to be produced until it explodes to when the cow has burnt enough brain cells to open its mouth to begin to breathe.
Beginnings of the “Bison Era”
30,541,124.75846 years ago is thought of to be the beginning of the Bison Era. It is when the first bison walked the Earth. The first of these fowl smelling beasts was tall, very tall. It weighed between 14,000 and 25,000 pounds. It was the supreme ruler of the land it walked on (yes! It could walk!). It is what you and I would call the Calvinsaurous. Geologist Calvin first dug up the first bones in his backyard when he was 6. The first bones that were discovered resembled an empty Coke bottle, a couple of empty cans of Chef Boyardee, and two sporks (or foons. I don’t care). Thought of as typical buried garbage, Calvin’s Mom threw them away. Years later when he moved out of the house as a hobo, Calvin stumbled upon the remains on the side of the road and discovered BITCHES that the Coke bottle was a piece of a giant, stiff udder of an enormous beast. The other items were given proper names, and thus, the entire backyard was dug up to find similar bone structures, all resembling garbage that fit together perfectly to form the skeletal structure of the Calvinsaurous. You see the same similar structure in modern day cows served at McDonald’s and other fine greasy restaurants.Years later as more excavations went on it the surrounding neighborhood, more bones were discovered as mammals and looked more like a fat-pig-of-a-cow type of animal. These were thought of to be an evolutionary step
between reptile-to-mammal jump for the cow. These remains are said to be from 15,231,542.2151875125 years ago. Not much is known about this species of ancient bovine, other than it split into three species later on. One was the Rhino, one was the Pig, and one ended up as the Cow. The fat-ass cow grew minor problems from the start of its new domain and is said to be a miracle that it survived this era to be served as Big Macs and other assorted yum yums that we devour today. It itself served the same purpose back in these times.
Prehistoric Known Cows
Precisely at 3:47 P.M. Eastern time, 10:00 A.M. Hawaiian time in the year 3,000,000 B.C. (not B.C.E.), the not-so-mighty Crazy Cow was separated at birth from the traditional Archaic Wooly Cow. It was square in shape, therefore, it was not smart. It was possibly the dumbest cow ever born. This animal eventually turned cannibalistic and turned on its own parents, grazing on their entrails for days until turning normal and started raping other Wooly Cows to spread its genes. Later, it died a slow painful death unlike any other. The result was the Mighty Buffalo. Other mutated births were separated into the typical cow we know today, separated from the buffalo all together, because buffalo are cool and don’t shart themselves. Lucky for us, the typical cows were immediately domesticated by ancient peoples know as Neanderthals. They pinned them in cages and slaughtered them when necessary for food, shelter, and ice cream. It eventually led to the extinction of the Neanderthal peoples, as ice cream gave them Hypothermia during the Ice Age. The trade was eventually taken on by Homo Sapiens, also know as Humans (us). We drank the milk of the cow instead of churning it in a bowl of ice like Neanderthals. This led onto our species thriving and the cow living to see another day.