Evolution

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“Thank God for Evolution.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Evolution

“You will be greatly disappointed, it will be grievously too hypothetical. It will very likely be of no other service than collocating some facts; though I myself think I see my way approximately on the origin of the species. But, alas, how frequent, how almost universal it is in an author to persuade himself of the truth of his own dogmas.”

~ Charles Darwin on Evolution

“I am quite conscious that my speculations run quite beyond the bounds of true science.”

~ Darwin on Evolution

“It is always advisable to perceive clearly our ignorance.”

~ Darwin on Evolution

“I love fools experiments. I am always making them.”

~ Darwin on Evolution

“ Back in the day the excuse "dog ate my homework" would get you in trouble. The teacher would get mad, embarass you in front of the class by calling you lazy, a liar and a moron. Your parents would then "blow a fuse" subjecting you to some good-ole ass whooping and being grounded like "forever".

But nowdays, thanks to the "Compassionate Darwinism", the teacher would get fired, the school would get sued, parents would get arested for a physical and mental abuse.

The dog would be sent to a dog psychologist and some educational therapy pending a possible sterilization for hyperactivity.”

~ Concerned Citizen on Evolution

The man to which society owes a debt of gratitude.

Evolution is a science fact discovered by the late, great Charles Darwin during a trip with his pet beagle to the mansion of Mark Geragos. Though the gripping tale was not immediately accepted due to the ignorant nature of most people, it later became widely accepted and has influenced society for the better in countless ways.

The tale

In 1825, Charles Darwin embarked on what is later viewed to be the single greatest voyage of mankind, far surpassing those of Columbus or Magellan. Traveling with his lone companion, a pet beagle by the name of McGruff, he went across the street to the mansion of the famed trial lawyer, Mark Geragos. While at his mansion, Darwin was greeted by Geragos's pet chimp. Intrigued by the creature, he tentatively put out his hand to shake the chimp's own. But to Darwin's astonishment, the chimp reacted angrily, flailing his arms and throwing feces at both he and the Beagle. Recognizing the stunning similarities in behavior between the chimp and himself, Darwin concluded that humans must have evolved from apes.

This fine specimen named "Steve" comes home after a hard-day's work. Only to find his "domestic partner" in bed with his neighbor. "Steve's" first primitive reaction is rage, but after few critical seconds of careful re-consideration "Steve" senses romantic urges raging within. He can't deny his instincs and decides to join in for a "hot monkey love"

The Second Voyage

Last known photo of the missing Lynx.

Taking the New York ferry across the Hudson River into the unknown land of New Jersey, also called "Land of No Fresh Air" by the natives, this was the first time a scientist ventured into this mysterious land and therefore was very well documented. Still astonished by his previous encounter with the feces flinging chimp Darwin was eager to make new discoveries. Allegedly, Charles Darwin discovered conclusive proof that apes were in fact related to Homo Sapiens. Unfortunately the evidence was lost by his companion, McGruff, when he lost it in a bet while visiting the Mohegan Sun casino. The victorious Native American was believed to have been planning to showcase this evidence and take credit for its discovery himself, before being brutally attacked by a European Lynx while visiting Asia. The evidence, along with several limbs, were taken by the cat which then fled into the jungles of Peru. As such, an extensive search has been led to find the missing lynx - though thus far, to no avail.

Evidence

The Evolution of Darwin

Scientists have noted the marked similarities between different species in early development. Going clockwise from the upper left, a human, fish, bird, and sea otter.

One very well documented case was the evolution of the Tyrannosaurus into the Rhinosaurus due to the domination of its species by Rattus Killarex. The Tyrannosaurus officially claimed the need to evolve on January 15th, 30,000,000 BCE. Although initially rejected by the most conservative Tyrannosaurus it was eventually accepted. The last Tyrannosaurus evolved on April 3rd, 29,999,997 BCE. Though no fossil evidence has been found of these two species, it provided the literal and figurative backbone of the evolutionary argument in the early 1900's, before being replaced by the more conclusive find of the Piltdown man.

Evolution's most conclusive find came in 1952 when Charles Darwin's grandson Charles Darwin III and his dog McGruff XVII found fossil evidence of an ancient Irish civilization. At first it just seemed as though this was a historical find but when McGruff suggested that it must be fake due to the lack of an ability of an Irishmen to stay sober for 5 minutes, there was a new theory. Mr. Darwin proposed that over time the Irish evolved from a sober and industrious people to a drunk and lazy people in order to cope with their inferiority to the British. This was called adaptation.

Influences

The Tyrannosaurus Rex flees from the much stronger and larger Rattus Killarex. This prompted the evolution of the Tyrannosaurus to the Rhinosaurus Rex.

Since evolution has become a mainstream belief, human society has been revolutionized. Whereas previous false religion's emphasized helping those who could not help themselves, such burdens on society are now rightly regarded as unnecessary drains on the state. Social programs such as euthanasia are actually doing the handicapped a favor by ending their shameful and worthless lives. With invalids pruned from society, the master race consisting of those who are fittest shall reign supreme. Heil!

Evolutionary History

Monkeys, Apes and Inbreeds alike dance in worship for their new god

No one knows for sure, but scientists believe that the first primitive organisms were people like Ann Coulter and George W. Bush, who are almost but alas not quite too stupid to live. Created with no redeeming purpose, they prove not only is there a God, but he is a prick. While other humans advanced slightly from this baseline, the species remains a living fossil, barely distinguishable from a Chinese knockoff of God.

Subsequent evolutionary advance gradually led to the emergence of higher forms of life, such as monkeys and horses, with advanced immune systems that allow them to eat and drink dirty water and food without getting sick. And they can get pregnant and give birth without half tearing themselves apart doing it. They don't need schools to learn or houses to shelter them, and they don't have dumbass crazy ideas like Islam to hold them down and keep them wrapping each other up in burkas instead of balling one another whenever possible.

It is thought that Satan helped spawn the cat in an attempt to bring evolution to a new level. Whatever the reason, nine lives were better than one. But dogs were the real triumph, having evolved to control humans into taking care of their every need.

Dinosaurs were also pretty cool. You know you're a triumph of evolution when people start running from you screaming in terror. You can't knock evolution just because they got hit with some stupid asteroid that reduced the planet to rats and cavemen.

Eventually evolution really got going into high gear and invented things like viruses that never grow old, breed billions of times an hour, and turn weak puny creatures like human beings into drooling zombies that live only to spread the plague out of the quarantine area. Evolution has its flops, though. Look at the evolution of the cow, for example.

Evolution Summary

(missing text "removed by asshole who cant take and objections") i recienctly post a summary on evolution jst saying how it might be silly and someone deleted it (obviously its like this - its evolution period. no objections) so that ignorant basterd deleted it. Let me do a faster summary---- "we cant even cure accne but we know how everything was created."

==

Under the Equal Asshole Time Measure for Equality (EAT-ME) Act, UnNews is legally required to print the following asshole comment: "Creationism is like about the Bible. Reading creationism is like reading the Bible. Reading the Bible is really boring. So if you write about creationism we may have to tie your penis in a knot to keep things interesting."

Reality TeeVee

Unfortunately, after the meeting Harold got himself suspended pending investigation over the allegations that he exposed himself to a female staff member, urinated on the floor, smeared his feces on co-worker's face, vandalised the company's break room, waved his fists toward the management in a threatening manner, regugitated on Mrs. Livingstone's bithday-cake (then proceeded to insert a half-digested peanut into Mrs. Pibb's nose), disrupted a meeting with important client, poured hot coffee onto colleague's lap, sent unreadable-confusing and sensless emails to co-workers and customers, destroying-defacing (and defecating) on company's property... etc.

Scientists agree that until now the evidence behind the "Fact of Evolution" was purely circumstantial and coincidental, and thus far the only real feasible "physical" evidence is this fine specimen - aptly nicknamed "Bob". Unfortunatelly "Bob" has been very elusive, making it extermely difficult (if not impossible) for scientists to capture IT. It's been rumoured though, that "Bob" is a handy-man/plumber. Very recently "Bob" has been sighted fixing plumbing under Mrs. Li's kitchen sink in Van Nuys California. It is extremely important and imperative that this specimen is immediately captured, sedated and brought into UCLA Medical Center, in order to make closer examinations and DNA sampling before re-releasing it back into the wild.

See Also

• Charles Darwin
• Missing Lynx
• Cloud Beings
• Evilution