Evilution

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Stop hand Warning: This article is a lame strawman, but please do not change this as you will piss off some democrats. Please do not piss off the democrats.
“I DIDN'T COME FROM NO MONKEY!”
~ The Bible Belt on Evolution
Darwin Hellboy

Charles Darwin's violent transformation after Satan gave him the Theory of Evilution in exchange for his soul.

Evilution, Evolution [sic] or Evolution is a heathen belief system that will have you sent straight to hell ,claim religious fundamentalist fanatics. Anyone who believes this is an atheist and an intelligent and sensible person but will be labeled as a heathen, homosexual,Satan-worshiping, God-hating, terrorist loving, anti-American. It has been spewed from the mouth of Satanists such as Charles Darwin and combated by heroes such as Richard Dawkins for almost 150 years and has infected the minds of most of society's youth. Evolution is the reason for abortion, teen pregnancy, homosexuality, and gun violence. These problems will continue even if evolution ceases to be taught and may even get worse because people will be more ignorant. However, conservatives claim that these problems will be solved if evolution stops being taught.

What it is

Darwin dunce

The heathen Charles Darwin as a boy in school. Darwin was not a high achieving student. He was kicked out of theology school so he decided it would be his life goal to destroy both religion and society.

Evilution is a false religion that was proven completely wrong by biblical science which is an basically an oxymoron. It claims that the world is over 4.6 billion years old and that life was created through a series of random accidents and by a mechanism known as natural selection that is not random. It's blasphemous beliefs also states that man evolved from monkeys. Only ignorant fundies would say that. Man absolutely did not evolve from monkeys although we do share common ancestry with them.

Toondarwin

Charles Darwin now spends his days rotting in hell because of his Satanic beliefs.

Some loonies even claim that The theory of evilution, a scientific theory that has stood the test of time, is the reason that today's society has gone to hell in a hand basket. Evilution has convinced people that life came about as a result of blind natural selection and random mutation without a God. Because people finally know the truth and believe that God is not real, they ignore the church's attempts to control everything they do and say they warn them for their own good. Evilution leads to evil things such as homosexuality, pansexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, masturbation, cunnilingus, fellatio, smallpox vaccines and alcoholism and fun. All of these things are strictly outlawed in the Bible. In most countries of the world, even in the United States, the teaching of this blasphemous and highly offensive material is being forced on our school children. Many brave parents have stood up to the atheist school boards and demanded that students be lied to and told evolution is only a theory and that they didn't really evolve from monkeys.

Unfortunately most of the judges in the United States are not as progressive as these parents since they probably understand the simple fact that a theory is a fundamental process or a relationship that is universally accepted as valid everywhere in the known universe. An extreme left wing judge who was appointed by the normally politically moderate Republican party has struck down the law requiring God's Truth (a.k.a. a delusion) to be taught alongside evolution. Judge Jones is a reasonable, intelligent man despite being a Republican but the religious wing nuts claim that he is a dangerous atheist fanatic who believes in teaching children that God doesn't exist and that they can do whatever they want. The former president of the United States, George W. Bush who resembles a chimpanzee and is actually used by scientists as proof of common ancestry with apes disagrees with Judge Jones' highly controversial but correct decision to keep God's truth out of the classroom. The atheist, God-Hating Democrats have since seized the House and the Senate so president Bush was unable to do little to stop them from taking religion masked as science out of the classroom.

Evidevi

If this sign by the side of some road doesn't stop evilution, nothing will. True or False? This billboard is located in the Northeast.

History of Evilution

Monkeymeeting

The Democrats would have us all reduced to nothing more than godless, flag-burning monkeys. Who also play poker.

Evilution has been repressed and combated by religious officials for thousands of years. Anyone who believed in evolution would be brutally repressed and unjustly punished. Starting in 1859 though, society began to go to hell in a hand basket. Well, actually things were much worse back then. Charles Darwin published his satanic verses landmark scientific work; On the Origin of Species and persuaded millions of people around the world to become atheists which isn't true because most people tend to separate science from religion. Beastiality is also a belief of many evolutionists creationists. Darwinism also has an offshoot religion, Pantheism, which encourages people to worship and possibly mate with chimpanzees (see pansexuality). Brave Christians such as William Jennings Bryant, Matthew Harrison Brady, and George H. W. Bush attempted to end this Satanic religion by joining it but it was too late. By 2006, over 75% of the world's population and almost 3% of Americans believed in evolution. It was too late. Darwinism has taken over, and unless people begin to believe in biblical literalism again, an angry, vengeful God will surely destroy the planet and send Uncyclopedia vandals straight to hell.

See Also

Kansas
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education
This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.
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