Evil Jesus, the Messiah to all evil, not-so-evil, and irritable people, is the kind of Messiah who starts a brawl and then stands back to videotape the show. He's the type of Saviour who complains about your favorite movie while his guys lift your wallet. And contrary to popular belief, he is not a friend to the poor. He couldn't care less about them.
Yet Evil Jesus is talented in a twisty sort of way. He is responsible for all supernatural events. Ouija boards, psychic mediums, hauntings, out-of-body and in-the-body experiences, and all other unnatural end-around's are Evil Jesus' bread and butter. Because of this, many poets and journalists confuse Evil Jesus with the Anti-Christ. Yet he is very much the opposite of both Christ and antichrist. He's a veritable metaphysical Houdini!
Evil Jesus was born October 12th in 0 BC to 13-year old Holy Milf Mary and her 85-year old boyfriend, Joey. They told everyone that God had humped Mary. They didn't want the authorities to come down on "Pedo Joe". But they didn't need to worry, because soon after Jesus was born Joey drank himself to death on a bet.
With Joe dead and kind-of-buried, things starting to go south, so Mary had to sell herself on the mean streets of Nazereth to provide food and shelter for herself and Evil Jesus. They actually lived happily-ever-after for 16 years until Mary was just plum tuckered out and worn down to the nub. Evil Jesus, complaining every step of the way, then had to get off the couch and provide the food and shelter. Yet after trying for at least two hours to find various sources of income, tired and hungry and not doing very well, he started practicing his father's noble profession: Drinking. It took many days for Evil Jesus to learn its ancient secrets, but he soon mastered it even better than his old man.
That's all we know about Evil Jesus' childhood and teen years, except for that time when he was separated from his mother, wandered into the Temple, and gathered together the most learned, respected, and bespeckled Rabbis in the land. The greybeards said that they had fervently prayed for the day that a messiah would arrive to teach them an inherent wisdom - a wisdom tempered to a fine edge by His unique philosophical discoveries and life experiences. "Verily," said Evil Jesus, and commenced mesmerizing them with his bartending skills.
When Evil Jesus turned 21 in 21 he got drunk, saddled up a donkey with the skin of an endangered species, tied some palm leaves onto it to impress the ladies and yokels, and rode out of town. For many years he drank, rode his donkey, and sunned himself on the hillsides of Judea. Finally, when he turned 33, he decided to get a real job and started to stagger around and teach people.
Evil Jesus is baptizedEdit
As was the habit in the ancient world, whenever a guy was going to go out and talk about holy or unholy stuff, he first had to pass through the water park run by Evil Jesus' cousin, Evil John the Baptist. John pulled in his dough by dunking people into a pool and saying a few words over them to let God know they were now working for him. He'd then send these religious entertainers over to his squeeze, Evil Tiffany, who'd collect 10 coupons for the baptism and point the newly born-again mimic to the water slide.
Evil Jesus showed up there one day, bottle in hand, yelling to be baptized. Evil John grabbed him, dunked him into the water head first, and stole a few swigs from Evil Jesus' bottle. Once submerged, Evil Jesus peed on Evil John's leg, farted a bubble up into Evil John's face, and swam away underwater while Evil John chased him all the way to the deep end. Evil Jesus climbed out of the pool, gave the Baptist the finger, and got away with the day's receipts. Thus his ministry was born.
His ministry and parablesEdit
Evil Jesus would wander drunkenly into town and knock on the doors of the unsuspecting. He'd then either push his way in to gather up the wine, or be rebuffed and have to fight the homeowners for the bottle. Bloodied, with one eye sometimes hanging from its socket, the homeowners gave him their wine and told him to get off their property. Jesus wept. From laughter.
The parable of the coat and the hatEdit
A scribe, passing by a public park where Evil Jesus lay passed out, noticed the multitudes gathered around him. Some were going through His pockets, while others pointed to the puke caked on His sandals. Evil Jesus awoke, scratched himself, and began to speak:
"Getahellaway from me, whajthehelldoyouthinkyouse doing? Let me tell you a story, little missy. A rich man was riding ona camel oneday, and came upon two weavers. One was weaving a coat for a poor man, the other was weaving a hat of lotsofdifferent colours, enuf colours to bedazzzlllee, bedazzle, the ladies. Soon the coat was finished, and the poor man who woreitgot to survive one of the coldest nights in history. On that same night, let me tells ya, on that same night the man in the fancy hat, this guy who just wanted to impress the ladies, froze to death in the street. A Temple Priest then took the hat off the fancy man's corpse, and gave it to the poor man with the coat. The moral of this story, youwannaknowwhatitis? The lion will somday laydown withda lamb. Or at least the lambsbones, where the good marrow is. In otterwords, grab all you can from a corpse, 'cause they ain't gonna use anyofit nomore. Now get away from me."
The parable of the skeleton and the tiny girlEdit
A related parable was dictated to a doctor named Luke, and, after being lost for two millenium, was sold for a quarter at a 1947 garage sale:
Evil Jesus spoke to the assembled, and told them of a skeleton in the Sinai desert. "This skeleton yousee, it wasjus' a lyin there, in the sand, all covered with gnats and hardtack. Then this itty bitty teeny weeny little girl, this wisp of a thing, let's call 'er Rita, came by an' started to kick the bones allovertheplace. The tiny girl laughed and kicked, kicked and laughed, and when a guy in a traveling caravan tried to stop'er, she just hit him with a rib and bounced the skull off his camel. He rode on, and the girl kept kickin' the skeleton around. The moral of this story, youwannaknowwhatitis? "Don't gin up phony controversy. Cause if you can't let a littlegirl kick a man when he's down without bothering her, whodoya think you are?".
The parable of the guy with lots and lots of moneyEdit
"Onceupons atime," said Evil Jesus to some people on the street, "there's this guy, see. And this guy had lots and lots and LOTS of money, more money than Ican count in a MONTH! Youdon' believe me? Distrue! And then someone comes to'is door, and the guy opens it, see, and theother guy asks him for a few pieces of silber. Silfer. Sil-ver, a few pieces of silver. And the rich guy, he slamsthedoor in the other guy's face! Rightin'his face! The moral of this story, youwannaknowwhatitis? Ifyou have enough money for people to come'round askin you for some, hire someone to send them aways. Oneof your wife's cousins or something. Spread it aroun',ya know whatImean?"
His apostles and other stragglersEdit
Evil Jesus had taken keen notice of the priests and rabbi's and a few of the random prophets around town. He saw that their crowds tended to give them money and food. So he rounded up a few guys from the bars, sobered them up, gave them a few minutes of instruction, and swore them in as his apostles. Then Evil Jesus and his new peeps walked from village to village, spreading the good news, healing the poor of their belongings, and breaking into people's houses as a group to grab the wine and swipe the non-nailed down valuables.
The smelliest guy in the group, a nimble-fingered tax collector name of Matthew, wrote about Jesus' gang in his so-called gospel). He related how when the authorities questioned Jesus about the break-ins, a lot of weight was given to Evil Jesus's denials. "Had nothing to do with it, better late than seldom," he'd say, and his posse would break up and back him up. But whenever Evil Jesus' ministry came to town the simple folk would still hide their stuff and hurry their daughters into the woods, for the arrival of the charismatic psychopathic preacher never failed to cause much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Healing of the sickEdit
Rumors spread that Evil Jesus could heal the sick, restore sight to the blind, and give that ingrown toenail a run for its money. Thus he obtained a following of selfish bastards.
They'd pester him on the street, follow him into communal outhouses, and even tap him on the shoulder in the middle of his many visits to the communal whorehouses in Jerusalem. "Heal me, heal me, no, me first" they'd pitifully cry and shove. Evil Jesus would stop what he was doing, slurringly order them to "Kneeldownhere before me", and give them a swift boot directly on the top of their head and then another - to complete the double-tap - squarely in their baby maker. "Now go, and sin sommore" he'd yell as he poured whiskey down their throats and shoved them roughly out the door.
Confusing the adrenaline rush they'd gotten from that kick in the balls with the Holy Ghost filling them with spirit - a concussional side-effect called "seeing stars" without being given a glimpse of heaven - and confusing the quick mellowing rush of whiskey to the brain with the touch of an angel, these newly converted outpatients would wander off, oxygen deprived, drunk and disorienated, to spread the word.
Thus Evil Jesus' reputation grew, along with his bartab.
Loave and fishheadsEdit
One day Evil Jesus awoke on an outcropping west of the Sea of Galilee, and saw a multitude of people mulling about. "Whatdaya got ta eat?" he asked them. The only guy who had anything took out a loaf of bread and two tiny fishheads. Evil Jesus grabbed them, gobbled 'em down, and threw rocks at guy and the crowd until they dispersed. "Freeloadin'sonsabitches, gettahelloutahere!" and "Beat ya plowshares inta tinier plowshares. You can'tmakedis stuffup," he was heard to mumble before falling unconscious again.
The incident became legendary, although somewhat distored in the telling.
Water into wineEdit
After dazing his enemies with his martial arts, Evil Jesus uses his finishing move, turning all the water in his opponents' body into wine and drinking them.
When Evil Jesus Rose from the deadEdit
One day after a hearty meal and a food fight, Evil Jesus fooled everyone by letting some rubes in priest uniforms grab him, tie him up, and put him on trial. He thought the whole thing was a hoot. Putting on a clown suit and spraying the priests with water from a fake flower in his lapel, Evil Jesus, after negotiating for 40% of the crucifixion's beer concession, told the judges to "Bring it on". They soon convicted Evil Jesus of being the son of God, a charge which Evil Jesus answered by laughing until he was bent over and red in the face.
Dragging Evil Jesus into the courtyard, the Priest's enforcers whipped and beat him until his skin was frayed down to the bone. Evil Jesus just asked for more. "Hit me again," he cried, "Yeah, over there, a few inches to the right. Yeah, that's it". The beating continued until the slack-jawed priests made Evil Jesus carry a piece of driftwood up a hill, and nailed his hands to it ("Nail my middle fingers up separately," he told them, and then laughed even louder when they fell for it). Evil Jesus made book on how long he'd hang there before giving up the ghost, and the crowds cheered and counted down the hours.
Well, Evil Jesus died that day, filled with glee and liquor. When they buried him in his clown suit, little sounds kept coming out his mouth. "Jeep", the sounds said. "Geese. Rollin. Klooff," and a chuckle or two. The rubes locked him in his crypt and got the hell out of there.
As everyone knew he would, after a few days - on Ease-her Sunday ("Ooooh! He is risen!") - Evil Jesus got up and walked away, good as new and rarin' to get drunk and dance with a whore. He spent that evening at Ruby's establishment down by the River Jordan, and everyone laughed like the dickens when Ruby's girls fought over who'd be the first to touch the hem of his garment.