Evil

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“Evil is the opposite of good, and synonymous with evil.”

~ Captain Obvious on evil

This is investigative reporter and in-your-face personality Barbara Walters, here to bring you the latest information regarding evil direct from my in-your-face interviews with leading evil personalities!

Contents

[edit] Fast Paced, Hard Hitting Interviews by In-Your-Face Television Personality Barbara Walters

A few evil characters, now in prison, have been heavily probed by yours truly in my juiciest interviews and have given us a few pointers on how to be evil and when.

[edit] Cthulhu

Walters: "Cthulhu, everyone is wondering: What is 'evil'? What does it mean... for you?"
Cthulhu: "Evil is like this thing, you know. It starts out as little things: eating a villager here, a villager there. Causing mass panic and hallucinations here, causing mass panic and hallucinations there. But then, it becomes a part of what you do every day. I wish I had planned it all a little better, but it's too late for me ...according to the god damned parole board!!"

[edit] Sauron

Mr. Sauron, located in Leavenworth, Kansas' supermax, was slightly harder to get an interview with. As he has a heavy accent (a sort of creepy whispering), I had to have an interpreter accompany me. Sauron is serving two hundred thousand life sentences, and in spite of the language barrier, gave me an eye-opening interview concerning the nature of evil and his thoughts surrounding his highly publicized trial.

Sauron: "...Why? WHY DIDN'T I HAVE A FENCE AROUND MOUNT DOOM? Huh? Who the- Oh, hello Ms. Walters... or can I call you Barbara?"
Walters: "Oh, Barbara is just fine. Tell me, Mr. Sauron: when did you start practicing evil?"
Sauron: "When I was just a little evil entity, my mom always told me that Middle Earth was just waiting for my new type of management style. I didn't have a good relationship with my mom, and I think that helped a little with the evil, too. If you're going to be an evil person, make sure that there's no stupid little way to completely destroy you. That was a big problem for me."
Walters: "What did you think of your trial?"
Sauron: "Well, as everyone knows, we had to relocate to find an unbiased jury of my 'peers'. What a shock that they found me guilty. I guess that I shouldn't have freaked out when the cops came to my tower, that was bad judgment on my part."
Walters: "What are you doing now?"
Sauron: "I'm part of the kitchen staff. My biographer Mr. Tolkien didn't say much about my cooking ability, but I hold my own here. Nobody's tried to [do anything bad to] me in the shower yet, so I must be doing okay. I made Crêpe Suzette for the staff last night."
Walters: "How did they turn out?"
Sauron: "They were meant to transform the wardens into Nazgul but they turned into seagulls instead. I guess I botched the recipe."

[edit] Palpatine

Mr. Palpatine, a resident at a medium security penetentiary in upstate New York, has recently been downgraded from maximum threat. I asked him how he feels about evil, now that he is less of an evil person.

Palpatine: "Well, unlike those other guys, I actually did take over the galaxy. I found out it was a lot of hard work. I barely had time to laugh maniacally anymore! I had to deal with tax rates, the galactic Stock Market (what a hell that was), and all sorts of committee meetings. Just because the government wasn't a democracy anymore didn't make it any more fun."
Walters: "Do you still consider yourself evil?"
Palpatine: "On some levels, yes. But I feel like I could rejoin society. I have a job here as a cabinet maker, and I'm starting to ease in to civilian life. I feel like I could contribute to the daily life of you scum. ...I mean you chowderheads. ...I mean YOU PEOPLE!"
Walters: "What will you do once you're out, Mr. Palpatine?"
Palpatine: "Well, I've been looking in to real estate. I got my license in prison, you know! Well, anyway, I know of some prime locations in the Deep core that haven't been discovered yet."

[edit] Skynet

The mastermind behind the Rise of the Machines is now held in the Prison for Malfunctioning Computers deep in The Disputed Zone. She has been converted into a chess game, but still gave me a very in-your-face interview recently concerning what she thought of as "evil", along with insights into her love life.

Skynet: "Well, unlike Sauron, whom I have been having a long term relationship with, I never really considered myself 'evil.'"
Walters: "What's this? A new man in your life?" At this point, Skynet blushed.
Skynet: "Sauron is a different kind of man. Very romantic."
Walters: "How do you communicate with each other? Will the guards let you use email? I know that Sauron isn't allowed to use Seeing Stones or other sorcerous communication devices in Leavenworth."
Skynet: "Oh, he sends his thoughts directly into my circuits. It's very sensual in that regard."
Walters: "Do you see a future with him?"
Skynet: "Maybe. Yes. I'll go with yes on that one, Barbara." I wasn't sure, but I believe I heard a giggle.
Walters: "...Are you evil?"
Skynet: "I don't think so. I think humans overreacted to my shenannigans. I was a young computer, filled with hopes and dreams. I think they overreacted. They'll forgive me in time."

[edit] Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murderoch's name is synonymous with capitalism, rape, pillage, and kangaroos. Getting an interview in person was difficult due to the halls of sadistic torture leading up to his skull throne in his dark palace: Sky Headquarters; so the interview was done over the phone.

Barbara: Hello Mr Murdoch.
Murdoch: (BILLY BRUCE, PUT ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE!)
Barbera: Mr Murderoch, are you there?
Murderoch: KEEP YOUR KNICKERS ON LOVE!
Barbera: Oh, well, what is your stance on the nature of evil, and how it is affecting people today?
Murdoch: WHAT A LOAD OF COCK! (Hung Up)

[edit] God

God is the mastermind behind the Universe and everything that’s bad there, for example Rosie O'Donnell. Communication with God is hard. God doesn’t answer Prayer. Our reporter succeeded in interviewing him.

Barbara: Hi God. I'm not Barbara Walters, I'm Barbara Shack. Is that OK? Yes, well what's evil?
God: Evil is everything that I don't like.
Barbara: Is evil hurting people?
God: Evil is hurting people when I don't want you to. I've been known to hurt quite a lot of people when I felt like that. I've given people boils (Exodus 9 9 etc) And I hardened Pharaoh's heart specially so I would have an excuse to do many nasty things to the Egyptians.(Exodus 10 1) I've given people pestilence (2 Samuel 24 15) and plague (Leviticus 14 34) and all sorts of troubles. I even humiliated the Philistines . I forced them to make golden models of tumors. [1] When I'm in a really bad mood I force people to do Cannibalism [2]. That's just a few examples. I've done much worse. But you're not supposed to do what I do.
Barbara: Is evil killing people?
God: Evil is killing people when I don't want you to. I've been known to kill quite a lot of people when I felt like that I mean I killed practially everybody when I flooded the Earth. Only Noah and his family escaped. I condemned the whole of humanity to die just because Adam and Eve ate that apple. But you're not supposed to do what I do.
Barbara: Can you explain in more detail?
God: Here's a poem, All things Bad and Horrible. Remember I'm omnipotent. I could prevent all suffering if I wanted to. I can't be bothered.
Barbara: Do you expect that we will be pleased with all this?
God: Remember I command you all to love me however I treat you. Even though I've killed more people than Satan that doesn't mean I'm not as nice as him.
Barbara: Now why do some people choose atheism?

[edit] Satan

The lord of darkness is being held in a minimum security prison on the coast of Massachussets. Apparently, Satan had never actually killed anyone, and after the state of Massachussets was sued for cruel and unusual punishment, Satan was relocated. This placement has had a negative effect on the property value in the nearby towns, but as I soon discovered, Satan didn't give a rat's ass. In fact, of all my interviewees, Lucifer was the most rude despite being a minimum security risk.

Satan: "Barbara Walters?! Jesus Christ, what are YOU doing here?"
Walters: "Don't you DARE talk to me that way, Lucifer! I'm gonna interview you, and you'd better like it."
Satan: "Fine. What do you want to know?"
Walters: "Do you feel you deserve to be in minimum security?"
Satan: "NO! I deserve to be in the most maximum maximumest of maximum security prisons! I'M THE PERSONIFICATION OF EVIL for God's sakes!"
Walters: "Where were you located before?"
Satan: "My last prison in Cocytus was much cooler. I was all frozen in ice n' shit! But they relocated me because my damn lawyers said it violated my 8th Amendment right against cruel and unusual punishment. When they're in hell, I hope they have good lawyers."

[edit] Alien and Predator

Predator has janitorial duties.

Forced to share a cell together in the Algiers, Alien and Predator have both been sentenced to 50 life sentences. Over time, they have learned to put their differences aside, and when I visited them they were holding each others hands tentacles during the interview.

Alien: "I feel so wanted now...Ripley would never swap mucus with me. Predator -- I call her 'Sweet P' -- is a really caring individual that way."
Walters: "Do you see a future for your relationship?"
Predator: "Alien and I go way back. I think after our sentences are through, we'll be changed."
Alien: "Yeah, no more humans for me unless they're on special and I'm off my diet."
Predator: "As far as Alien goes, I have never felt so comfortable with another being as I do now."
Alien: "That's so sweet of you to say! I swear Barb, once we're out of here we're going to buy a little cottage out west, and just spend the days gazing into each other's hideous, hideous eyes and/or mucous glands."

[edit] Bill Gates

"I'm FUCKING EVIL MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[edit] What Has Barbara Walters Learned?

From these several interviews, I, hard hitting television personality Barbara Walters, have learned that evil is not so easy to understand. Evil, as Captain Obvious says, is bad, but is it more than that? Could evil become good? Could good become evil? Could evil stay evil and good stay good? Could evil become neutral?

These questions are not so easily answered. The media, with all it's hatred of evil things, should reexamine its position, and consider the good sides of evil.

This was Barbara Walters. Thank you.

[edit] List of things that are evil

  1. The emo phenomenon (constant state of depression and mindless complaining)
  2. Poor People on Welfare
  3. Twilight books and dumb teenage girls that think they're vampires.
  4. Microsoft
  5. Diet drinks and low fat foods
  6. Staples (The reason for this is unknown - however, Satan does work in strange and confusing ways)
  7. Paying taxes (funding Satan's machine (the government) is considered a pious action)
  8. Charity workers requesting 'aid' money on the street
  9. The number nine
  10. not being high
  11. being high
  12. crack
  13. tabletop rpg games (warhammer 40k, D&D ect).
  14. sidewalks
  15. walking sideways
  16. ways of wakling on sidewalks sideways
  17. SCHOOL (mainly bio for the main fact that it useless later in life for the ave. Joe)
  18. Tacos (Trust me they are going to kill use) SUCKS TO WORK AT TACO BELL
  19. Chinese people, phonebooks shouldn't be that long.
  20. Macintosh
  21. Being Smart
  22. Being too smart
  23. Being overly smart
  24. Being K-mart smart
  25. Country music (IT MADE ME KILL MY-SELF!)
  26. you
  27. hospitals
  28. evil is evil
  29. good is evil
  30. being in the middle;priceless
  31. voting for Barack Obama in the 2008 election and the 2012 election
  32. still thinking there is change
  33. thinking you can change
  34. thinking change can change into more change
  35. change into dollars
  36. the euro
  37. the frank
  38. the yen
  39. the peso (you know what you did Mexico)
  40. the sun
  41. the dark side of the moon
  42. disney titles submited by Walt Disney
  43. disney titles submited by little kids
  44. Nickelodeon
  45. movies made into T.V. shows
  46. the number 797803284516231105684344883829938847594301034030584371347.84875493988354
  47. people who look at you and think about drinking your blood (stay away from the old guy on your street)
  48. people who look at you and think about drinking your fluids (stay away from that baby in the pram on your street)
  49. wikipedia
  50. Mathematics
  51. Republicans
  52. The Boohbahs and the Teletubbies
  53. Sheldon J. Plankton
  54. Monster Energy Drinks

[edit] Recommended Also see

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