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“We know who you are. Stop changing what you cannot control.”
“Don't sweat the petty things. Or is that don't pet the sweaty things?”
Evesham (aka Eveshamski due to the noticeable Polish influx especially living in the area in and around port street. 'the other side of the river') is a large'ish' and rather shitty Fortress Town situated in Worcestershire, England. Evesham was founded in 1 BC by a woman called Eve. Eve was a traveller who had misplaced a large tinned ham she had stolen from Biggie Smalls earlier in the week. The meat was found close to the mud-filled River Avon, and the people she was with decided to set up a permanent place of residence. They named the city Evesham (or Eve's Ham as it was known back then). It has been put forward that Eve and her posse were in fact lost and had been looking for something better.
Eveshamski is still home to a large number of travellers and drop outs who congregate in several districts; "The Rynal", "Coronation Street" and many other hotspot areas. Such hobbies in this areas of town include playing football in the street or local car-parks, walking the dog and/or cat (and allowing it to foul on the pavement),arson ,drug taking, vandalism, origami, trainspotting, theft, tipping cattle and gardening (Well, dumping fertilizer).
Eveshamski (abb. 'Shamski, or Asum) is located on the shoreline of the River Avon. The Avon consists of approximately 45% mud, 23% water, 14% sewage and 18% corpses. An annual fishing contest is held on the Avon every year and the winner is the first competitor to catch a fish. Dead fish, frequently known as 'The Fish That Have Ceased To Live' are the local inhabitants of the river, rumoured to be as filthy as a chav's living room. Such contests have been known to last for days and even months before a winner is announced, that is, if the announcer hasn't left by then for a cup of tea and a biscuit, and a light spot of necrophilia, old chap. Since the first contest in 1995, there have only been 3 winners.
'Shamski is also prone to floods of tears due to the amount of people who verbally abuse it...such as this website. These floods are frequently forecast by a insane, grey-haired old man who calls himself 'Noah', although his real name is often believed to be 'Geoff'. His frequent hobby of ark-building has earned him the nickname 'Crazee Olde Guye Callede Noahe Whoe Builde Huge Arke'. The nickname is believed to be Old English, and is proving very difficult to interpret and translate. He has also been referred to as 'Pegger'.
The local river tribe, known as Imperialists, are a small race of 'true' British people who refuse to admit the fall of the British Empire. Although frequently sighted looking snobbishly menacing in their red uniforms, fishermen are sometimes fooled by the deceptively friendly and 'gentlemenly' conduct of these 'Imperialist' individuals and are as a result hunted down and shot by their almighty muskets, which have a potentially lethal range of 5 metres. Instead of buckshot and pellets, the tribe fires the remnants of small fish and wildlife from the river, helping to continue the circle of life even when the fish are dead. They are famous for their red uniforms, splendid grey facial hair, colonial vocabulary and reluctance to accept history. They are famous for slandering Tony Blair at the last general election for allowing women the vote. Their leader is known as the Tory MP.
To the North of 'Shamski lies the village of Birmingham (often referred to as 'The Dark Abyss') and to the South, the Cotswold Mountains (home to several indiginous mountain folk guarded by who appear to be headteachers of local schools, but are remnants of the oldtime Gods, now personified and living perfectly happy lives whilst dressed in wool and tweed) and some unknown metropolis-like location called London. Reports of this 'London' hub are sketchy and unconfirmed, but sources state that some brave lone travellers have indeed been to the marvellous metropolis and returned speaking of large scale pigeon infestations, many blinding and flashing lights, large collections of mysterious hooded figures and a house full of commoners (referred to as a House Of Commons).Also to the north of Eveshamski is an area known as the 'Lenches', a smattering of hamlets (none of which contain any Ham) whose human gene pool is seriously compromised in terms of the lack of genetic variation of the inhabitants. A detailed research study of the Lenches population by the university of Durham concluded that the lenches were " the worlds first Gene puddle rather than pool". Steve '3 eyes' Johnston representing the Lenches inhabitants declared these findings to be "totally unfounded as it is a fact that Lenches daughters can run faster than their fathers therefore the notion of incest in the Lenches is ridiculous".When questioned as to whether or not the daughters could outrun their brothers, Steve '3 Eyes' Johnston stayed silent but twitched nervously. Further research by the university of Durham revealed that 26% of the Lenches population contain horse DNA for some reason?. The research further noted that Lenches daughters could not outrun a stallion that is gagging for it. There was a Social Club formed at the Lenches in the 1960's for locals to meet and swap stories of dubious parentage and why their eyebrows are always joined in the middle and their ears are unusually huge and protruding.Hay is served in little plastic bags from behind the bar as a snack and consumed with much relish.
People living in 'Shamski tend to say 'Gizz'a fag, bhey!' or 'Empty ya' pockets mush,' quite often. They also refer to its proper name as 'Da Sham'. Other citizens include farmers, often totally arseholed from drinking local cider all day (also known as 'paint-stripper'). Recently, the local sport of 'hay snorting' was banned due to jealousy from the cider and complaints from local cattle. One spokesman simply said "Moo."
The rest of the population are consists of chavs. The less said about them, the better.
Particularly the fucking fat ugly one that hangs around the shopping centre. Sheesh. I'm surprised his mother didn't drown him at birth. Has she never heard of coathanger abortions? Maybe she committed suicide instead, seeing what she'd brought into the world? Either way, he is affectionately referred to as Jumpsuit John, as he walks around in his giant stretchy (gravity-defying) baby-gro all day, taking his place as the smelly obese c*** of the Evesham chavs.
The current hangout for the local population of Chavs is currently Morrisons PLC, the local yellow-emblazoned shite-paying stingy place where the workforce are starved and overworked. Ken Morrison is once noted as describing this store as "...the place where food is sold..." Morrisons, just like the majority of 'Evershum' locations, is overrun by chavs by midnight all hanging around the blasted ATM machines where they spit at any passers by and like to work on their very limited repertoire of "huh?", "You starting?". or "Innit." Most pikeys can be deterred, however, by the mention of anything related to cleanliness; references to 'anti-perspirant' or 'bathing' are found to be extremely effective.
Nevertheless, care should be taken in the vicinity of this place after the watershed. Government recommendations including carrying a large selection of bladed and blunt weapons was hugely encouraged, since carrying a large scythe whilst walking past chavs acts as an effective deterrent. Use of the scythe, whether in self-defence or not, is also encouraged. 'Shamski also has a dangerous build-up of 'emos', a dangerous and infesting culture which spread like locusts. Just like chavs, they try to impose their god-awful music onto others in the vain hope they can infest and brainwash other cultures. Also similar to chavs, they are very defensive of their rights as a 'culture'. The 'emo' tribe of 'shum worship popular figures of hatred such as Brandon Urie and Gerald Way, regarding them as uber-gods. The population of 'Shamski often enjoy 'Emo-Whacking' day, a popular pastime and pastiche of the 'Whacking Day' festival shown on The Simpsons. Emos are often led into traps by mentioning special buzzwords, such as 'haircut' or 'MySpace'. Overall, they are a weak and feeble culture, but yet still prove to be as big a problem as the chav infestation.
Eveshamski has a large and ever increasing Pikey community, drawn to the town by the lure of an abundence of 'unwanted'(in the Pikeys opinion, but generally referred to as 'property' by everyone else) scrap metal in the form of manhole covers, roadsigns and anything else that is metallic and left unattended for more than 3 minutes. Phrases such as "Lend us ten fa' the hold mate" & "Get on da back a' da wagon" are often heard throughout the town. Sweaty Tank Tops are the 'de riguer' choice of fashion for Evesham Pikeys regardless of the weather.
Since the Communist revolution of Easter 1998, around the time of the great flood - the Mayor of 'Shamski has been an Ex-Soviet monkey called Vlachko. Vlachko has supreme rule over Eveshamski and has turned the local economy around; after wiping out the dwindling shopping district of Port Street in favour for more 'decentralised' businesses to open up, (usually run from the basements and/or first floor of many of the populations houses) he enjoys a banana. Or two. These 'businesses' concentrate on the strong need for import/exportation of different goods around the county of The Shire* (since made famous by The Lord of The Rings Trilogy).
The leisure industry in the Sham is well developed and consists of drinking into oblivion, pulling plump pigs at the Hogtastic Marilyns (Mazzers) nightclub, sitting on benches drinking into oblivion, Standing around aimlessley, and counting pigeons. The Town hall is able to provide visitors with information on the best places to partake in these activities and what constitutes a pigeon for the purpose of counting.Minor acts of petty Vandalism are a popular past time for many Sham Residents and in 2012 the town council are hosting Eveshams first 'Festival of Vandalism' to try and raise funds to buy a new litter bin for the town centre after the original caught fire late one night in mysterious circumstances.Talking in Polish language seems to be an ever more popular past time for the Local inhabitants.
The area around Eveshamski is locally known as the 'Glue Pot' due to the proliferation of poxy horses that cause chaos on the roads as their stupid and overweight lardy arsed riders think that tarmacced roads were made especially for hooves. The now famous 28 mile tailback of 2003 was caused by Ms Fiona Jizzum and her old nag 'Poppey' plodding along main roads at 4mph. The Tailback was finally resolved by the arrival of a Vet and a large syringe of Humane Killer forcibly administered at the roadside to much applause from motorists.After disposal,Poppey later went on to glue together 16,423 hardback books commemorating the tailback she caused and these were handed out to the local population in celebration of her demise. Fiona Jizzum later went on to become destitute and hang out in Mazzers nightclub crying all night and sobbing into her cider.After being pulled and shafted senseless by a drunken Polish Labourer, Fiona Jizzum produced 4 offspring of mixed origin and led a life of benefits before being used as a Dr Who extra.A large Pikey community around the periphery of Eveshamksi are employed by the council to tether their nags on the verges both as a tourist attraction and to keep the grass down. In 1998 a Pikey horse was prosecuted for being in charge of a white Transit pick up full of 'scrap' (aka peoples property) whilst under the influence of Hay.
Back when 'Shamski was first formed, it's main industry was Food. It was the home of many food factories, the most popular of which was 'Shamski Foods, providing snacks and foods for many indigineous dwarf tribes who paid in woven silk and golden coins and graven images of the Gods. However due to "The Great Chav Crash" of 1995, 'Shamski's main industrial focus was lost, with many of these places now derelict and closed down through bankruptcy. The NEW main industry is now 'Chav Manufacture'. Many places will tell you they have many chavs, but Evesham has the most, many just tend to move to these other places.
Scandal'Shamski was at the centre of a scandal involving a Hollywood star in the summer of '76 (1676, not to be confused with the winter of 1976 when the Friday morning Farmer's Market was over-run by Himalayan goats). The star involved was Herbie (The loveable car from the film 'Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo') It is said that Herbie was sexually molested by a Land Rover in the infamous multi-story car park. Since Herbie's death in 2000 there have been reports that on a quiet night (possibly when there is a full moon) you can hear the howls of Herbie's engine. The staff at the Riverside shopping centre say the experience is still as tragic now as it was in 1676, and after Herbie's suicide (he was said to have slashed his brake lines whilst listening to 'Queen - The Greatest Hits'), things have only got worse.
Once a year, Evesham will be visited by the Mop, a terrifying evening when a gigantic Mop piloted by Gypsy folk will rain down plastic cutlery upon 'Shamskians and cause grievous injuries to anybody in the vicinity. They also bring a small pathetic set of fairground attractions that draw the Chavs and lesser intelligent (AKA residents) 'Shamskians out in to the Streets. It should be noted that all of the attractions included are extremely dangerous, furthermore can and will fatally injure all those of which attend, which is to be applauded.
Enter The Asparagii
Every year there is a giant Asparagus festival, known worldwide as the "Sturgis of the Vegetable Kingdom". The goals of the festival are to scare off bothersome foreign tourists and immigrants, many of whom are unfamiliar with asparagii and giant anthropomorphic vegetables, and to bring Londoners out to pick their own damn asparagus so farmers can save money on petrol and labour. The festival features asparagus songs, an asparagus auction, asparagus tours on the Asparabus, motorcycle chain fights in the Asparacage, and asparagus themed personages such as some guy dressed as an asparagus, an asparagus psychic (Asparamancer), Asparadolf Hitler, Asparaghis Khan, Asparajesus, and Lord Asparamort. The Asparaqueen pageant was cancelled after several contestants were permanently stained with green dye (however the victims were all offered jobs as weather news presenters on RTE).
The festival is associated with an annual national shortage of hollandaise sauce as dozens of HGV tanker lorries are diverted to 'Sham to supply the condiment needs of rabid asparagus fanatics. The high fiber content of the devil vegetable is also responsible for the annual backup and overflow into the Avon of the Evesham sewerage system, and the typical asparagus-tainted urine odour from the overflow runoff ruins May bank holiday celebrations for cities down the Avon as far as Bristol (actually probably as far as Weston-super-Mare, but no one notices there as that place already smells bad enough from decomposing cuttlefish, lemmings, and scrumpy drinkers).