Everton Football Club

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 22:10, April 6, 2010 by English peasant (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Goodison new

Everton have announced the design of their new look stadium, with work expecting to begin this century in nearby Kirkby

Bouncywikilogo6
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Everton Football Club.
“History?”
~ Everyone on Everton Football Club

The most successful football team in The People's Republic of Merseysidia, Everton Football Club is a well respected retirement home for ex-Manchester United players, whilst providing a "feeder service" in the opposite direction for their up and coming youth, including England star Wayne "Once a Blue, always a Blue" Rooney. All Everton supporters are born within seven feet of Goodison Park, which often causes problems on match days.

History

  • 1878 - Everton formed.
  • 2004 As part of an intergalactic treaty, Lescott is the first Klingon to play a professional sport on earth, signing for Everton.
  • 2006–07 saw Everton finish sixth in the league and attain UEFA Cup qualification.
  • 2007-08 season - Everton sucks Steven Gerrard's fatass cock

The Early Days

Everton, also known as the "The Mints", were founded in 1878 by a local church called St Domingo's Church. It has often been claimed that this was an attempt by the church to curb the influence of baseball in Merseyside at the time, but in truth had more to do with the exclusive licensing agreement St Domingo's church had signed with the Nike Corporation of America. Now with a team, and a kit, St Domingo's church could sell shirts and make their fortune.

The football club went from strength to strength in the latter part of the 19th century with famous victories against Preston North End, seeing Everton win the FA Cup, a win over Wolverhampton Wanders ensuring League success, and perhaps most famously, the tour of South Africa in 1879 when Everton single handedly defeated the Zulu Army at the Battle of Rocky O'Rorkes Drift (after extra time and penalties) to ensure Everton were the first and only winners of the Zulu War Cup.

Everton's famous Blue kit was awarded to them as a gift from her majesty Queen Victoria, and the resulting colour change to Blue from Everton's often maligned wasp like black and yellow hoops saw St Domingo's church sign a new kit deal with Puma the following year.

The Ground

Everton was firstly at Anfield until the the owner put up the prices of the yearly rent to a point where it was to much and then Everton left Anfield and went to goodison park while most of the team went some stayed behind and with the owner formed a new football club Liverpool FC which originally was going to be called Everton Athletics Grounds Football Club but the FA would not allows this so the used the name Liverpool instead.

Home games are played currently at Goodison Park, which is in fact a really really big foosball table, but many people don't realise that Everton used to play regularly at the ground now occupied by the other club on Merseyside. However, Everton were forced to move from Prenton Park, and Tranmere have happily been based there for some years.

After years of discussion, Everton finally announced plans to redevelop Goodison Park recently. After it was suggested that demolishing a stand and rotating the pitch by 90 degree would give the club more space to expand, Everton went one better and in the summer of 2006, they rotated the pitch by a full 180 degrees. So swift was this change and so clever was the build quality, many fans have yet to even notice any changes to the ground. However further redevelopment plans were put on hold when the club realised that no matter how much they did to their ground, not being owned by some dodgy foreigner meant that they did not have the money to build a stadium as planned by other clubs.

The 1930's and the War

Until the 1930's, Everton were the pre-eminent football club in the country whilst St Domingo's church, owners of the club, went from strength to strength. In 1920 they launched a range of Everton mints, with profits from shirt sales and endorsements now from Adidas firmly in the bag, and St Domingos plc went on to acquire Woolworths and the General Electric Company with the profits made from their associated businesses.

In the 1930's, Everton's powers were somewhat eclipsed by the news kids on the block in the form of Arsenal. People said Everton's name was insufficiently rude, and that being able to shout "up the Arsenal", in the austere days of the 1930's depression was the only cheer some people got. In an attempt to win back favour with fans, Everton subsequently changed their nickname to "Everton Erections". This change saw a renewed stiffness to Everton's resolve and they soon were coming week after week to see the erections dribbling in the box and shooting all over the pitch.

During this period, Everton had the famous Dixon of Dock Dean play for them. He was nicknamed Dixie Dean because, as he was Dean of the School of Economics and Politics at the University of Cambridge's faculty of intellectual studies (funded now by the St Domingo's Corporation). He also liked to sing Dixie-land songs and would sing "Swing Low, Sweet chariot" each time he scored. Additionally, Dixie is short for Dixon. In one famous game against Aston Martin Lagona, when scoring a hattrick, the referee was seen to be crying when he finished the full 5 verses for the third and final time. He later went on to star in Showboat with Paul Robeson on Broadway. A legend indeed by anyone's reckoning, and his 391 goals in one season is still a record today.

In World War Two, football was all but suspended in England, and Everton were forced to form their own regiment in the British Army. Their most successful fixture being in 1944 when they single handedly held the Germans in an amazing defensive display at the Battle of the Bulge. Tommy Lawton's ability to spring the offside trap was probably the decisive factor.

Goodison park is a fortress of a ground

Post World War Two

After the war, success was more limited. Another nickname change occurred when they reverted back to "The mints", which is where the modern term "its' Mint" or "he's minted" comes from, referring to something being good, as indeed were Everton again in the 1980's when they won several trophies in England and Europe, but famously also took Port Stanley and the surrender of Argentine Forces in the Falklands War of 1982.

St Domingos Church lost interest in the club at this time, having recently acquired a small company called Microsoft and the club was bought by theatre Empressario Andrew Lord Lloyd Lord Webber of Lloyd. He had plans to write a musical about his football experiences at this time which only partly came to fruition through the wonderful song "We're all Minty Nuts", released by Timmy Mallett. Unfortunately, this was never a hit, and was later re-released with greater success by Freddie Mercury with the changed titlae of "Barcelona", which he sang with a fat Spanish woman.

In the modern era, Everton have produced a number of top stars, the most famous of which was Drunken Ferguson, the amazing Scottish drinking talent who also boxed for Scotland, his local pub and basically against all comers.

The start of the new millennium saw a new footballing prodigy come through the youth ranks. Wayne Shrek, famous lover of pensioners and footballer extrordinaire scored goals for Everton and England. However, he then discovered that playing for money was more important than playing for pride. He left Everton shortly afterwards and never scored a competitive goal for England again.

Everton continue to set the football world new high standards in football and this year, with their reserve team entered, took up both places in the Champions League Final before jetting off to Iraq in a final push to end the insurgency in the country.

Everton are the most successful mid-table club in history managing to spend 129 years of boring, un-successful football in the English top flight.

The Bullseye Champions of Europe 1986

Everton would have won the European Cup in 1986 sponsored by the TV series Bullseye if it wasn't for those pesky kopites. Apparently all you had to do in the 80's was qualify for he European cup and you were virtully guaranteed to win the competition. Only Everton's bitter rivals forgot one thing, Bobby Mimms was in goal from mid March of 1986, virtually gifting the Merseyside Redsocks the league and cup double in the process. As Jim Bowen said on Bully Bullshit "THIS IS WHAT YOU CUDDA WON". ANSWER: "FUCK ALL"

Actually all you need to do is win a penalty shootout. And you don't ACTUALLY need to qualify for the competition in the first place, just raise a campaign about having a rightful place in the European Cup because you used to win thing years ago and despite not having won the league in nearly 20 years you have a God-given right to be entered into it automatically.

Ground Moves

Plans by the club to move to the regional capital of Kirkby (famous as the home of TV Channel QVC) have met with some resistance. However, after learning that the club is to be renamed the Kirkby Everton Blues, fans have taken to the idea and Kirby is also to be renamed "Kirkby - The Mecca of the North", in honour of its Mecca Bingo halls. Everton likes cock.

Famous 'Players'

  • Barney (Yes, the big purple dinosaur)
  • Drunken Ferguson
  • Wayne Shrek
  • Dixie Dean
  • Alan Ball
  • Howard Kendall
  • Matt Messias
  • Gary Big Eared Crisp Eater
  • Barry Scott (of Cillit Bang fame)
  • Graeme Blunt
  • Bandy Gray
  • Brian Laboner
  • Bob Latchford
  • K2 (Not the mountain the Samoan Cannibal)
  • Jim 'The Anvil' Neidhart

Famous 'Managers'

  • our ba
  • our ga
  • our tek
  • Mick "Where's the Red Light District" McNorfolk
  • David Moyesie Skelatore
  • Tom Caff

Current Players

The current Everton squad is a mix of Spanish players not good enough for Liverpool, England rejects and 1 really fat Nigerian.

Yakubu "Yak" Aiyegbeni-."The Yak" joined from Middlesborough in the summer and has since eaten half the food in Merseyside. Originally hated by Everton fans for not scoring 20 goals in his first game The Yak became depressed and began to eat, this caused him to become extremely fat and unable to run. Howevr, this was vital to Yakubu's success at Everton. Because of his inablity to run Yakubu just stayed in the box and waited for the ball to come to him. Yakubu began to score every single rebounded shot Everton got and had the added bonus of being given pies from the crowd while he was waiting. His trademark celebration is to run over to the Everton fans and pull out his pie-face mask, (from dennis the mennis.) He then does his native 'Begging for donuts' dance while Andy Johnson bends over allowing Yakubu to see his reflection in Andy's 'Chrome dome' head. He has often been referred to as a fat purple aki

Joleon "Jolly-On" Lescott- The only real England international Everton have (Phil Neville doesn't count).

Tim "I hate corner flags" Cahill - Everton's best player after "The Yak", Cahill would be good enough to play for England, if it wasn't for the fact he plays for England's dirty rejected cousins, Australia. He usually oversleeps for the first half of the season and wakes up while Everton are in relegation zone. Cahill will then come back into the starting lineup and score an average of 5 goals every 0.35 seconds, which is only 1 goal shy of Tottenham Hotspurs keeper Paul Robinson. He has destroyed a total of 139,305,883,132,456,666,701.5 corner flags in his career as part of his goal celebration.

Everton have several other players but none of them are good enough to receive a mention here.

Fanbase

Everton have a 40000 plus seater stadium that is never full and they are the people's club. Were as Liverpool have a 45000 seater stadium that is always full (no scouse supporters apparently). It is very common for people in Liverpool to support Everton, even though when you walk around the city you will find about 5 Everton fans for every one Liverpool fan. Everton frequently claim that the majority of Scousers choose to support Everton F.C., stating that people from North Wales, Ireland, London, Norway, China, Spain, Pakistan, Jamaica, Siberia and John o' Groats support Liverpool.

Their fans also have a tendency to be bitterly obsessed with their local rivals Liverpool and blame them for the reason they are so terribly woeful at football.

Considence? What's one of them you bad kopite wool obsessing about how scouse your support is while also bleating about "ar arrrd er iss ter gerra ticckkkkerrr laaaa!"

Club Motto and general evilness

Nil Satis Nisi Optimum (Roughly translated as Alan Wiley is not good enough)

Personal tools
projects