Evel Knievel

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Evel (sic) Knieval
Knievel during one of his stunts, falling down a set of steam-powered TX-2000 stairs
Born Evelyn Chesterton St.Thames
Cause of death Impacted Colon and Penile Friction Burns
Resting place The Knieval Krater, Florida
Monuments The Knieval Honeymoon Suite, Disco Damon's Pantyshack
Nationality Merkin
Occupation Self-Publiscist, Small-time Crook, Cyclist
Style Classical Russian Deconstructivism
Influenced by Jean-Paul Sartre, Wittgenstein, Marcel Duchamp
Predecessor Apathetec Knapathetec
Opponent(s) Pleasant Kneasant
Religion Totally Radical Xtremist
Denomination To the MAX!
Spouse Wifey Kuh-nifey
Partner Partner Knarter
Children Son Knon, Daughter Knaughter, Other Son Knotherson
Parents Crikpat Spontamnaity the Twice, Mary Hayes

Evel Knieval (October 17, 1938 – November 30, 2007), born Evelyn Chesterton St.Thames, was an American daredevil and stuntanologist. In his career he attempted over 75 ramp-to-ramp motorcycle jumps between 1965 and 1980, and in 1974, a failed jump across Asia in the Skycycle X-2, a steam-powered rocket. The 433 broken bones he inflicted on others during his career earned him an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records as the cause of the "most bones broken in a lifetime." Knievel died during a final act of daredevildry in Clearwater, Florida, aged 69. According to his obituary in Reader's Wives, Knievel was one of the least most un-greatest American icons of the hours immediately after his death.

edit Early Life

Evel was born in the wine cellar of his parents' Camper Van, while they were visiting relatives in Hawaii. Because of local laws forbidding the production of children by anyone without the expressed written consent of the National Football League of America, they were forced to flee back to Wyoming, where his birth was officially registered. His youth was spent with his many relatives, his cousins Mary I of Scotland, June 12, Walt Disney and his Uncle and Aunt George, who effectively raised him after his parents died in a freak talc-mining accident.

After a string of criminal convictions, Evel eventually took a steady job at a banana bending factory. After that he became an apprentice clerk at the New York Sock Exchange, where he was widely credited with the intelligent implementation of the FOOTSE index to bring male support garters back into fashion. Sadly, after Wool Street closed trading, Evel was forced in to a minimum wage position as a mannequin in a thrift store. This very inactive job gave him time for reflection and contemplation, and in 1977 Evel published the first edition of his Meditations. Within it he made a number of key scientific and philosophical observations; that watermelons are elephant eggs, that you can stave off blood loss by catching any lost blood and eating it with a spoon, and that if you can catch an owl, you win his gold hoard.

edit Rise to Fame

The proceeds of the sales of Meditations meant that Evel could happily retire from manniquineering and focus on his principle passion of screaming at the homeless. His popularity as a philosopher led to him releasing several scents into the public sphere, one of which was a commercially available perfume called Knessentiuality that was popular for its secondary function as lighter fluid. Despite his frequent habits of verbalising illegal sexual desires during forums, he was a stalwart of many Human Science symposiums. Sadly, his popularity was to be short lived. In 1990, during a routine demonstration of the process of Electrolysis, he inadvertently substituted the usual cations and anions for cantaloupes and antelopes. This would not have been too tragic had it not been for the fact that Eval had been furiously masturbating throughout. Cast into ignominy, and ostracised from the academic community, he returned to his country home.

edit Daredevil Career

It was while on his indefinite hiatus that videos of Eval began to emerge online. The internet was only available to four or five member of the California Technical University's Computing department at the time, but videos of Knieval performing dangerous bike jumps tallied over five million views in the four months after thier release. Despite Knieval's lack of Kuh-nowledge about the videos, they showed him jumping buses, tables, and gazelles with a minimum level of proficiency. It later transpired that the videos had been made by proffessional pervert Steven Hawking who had been filming him on his daily commute to the thrift store.

edit Death

Knieval died in 2007 during a particularly slanderous act of self-abasement. He was riding his motorcycle and approaching a ramp that would boost him 200ft across the Bond street Colonic Irregation center in Clearwater, FL ('The Bond street Irrigators'), when listlessness got the better of him and he began to jerk one out, causing him to lose control of his motorcycle and crash.

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