Evansville

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“I may as well have been in Prague.”
~ Madonna on having to stay in Evansville while filming "A League of Their Own"


Evansville, Kentucky
Downtown Evanstucky
As dirty as the river that flows by, downtown Evansville has been the inspiration for several memorable suicide leaps. This area is currently undergoing a revitalization effort with the stated aim to attract an off-brand outlet mall and a Sbarro.
Motto: "Provincialism ain't just a state in Canada!"
Civic anthem: "Let's Hear it for the Boy" by Deniece Williams
State Kentucky
Official nickname Evansfail
Official language(s) Hoosier Twang
Mayor Apple, the Wise Elf-King
Established 1812
Re-Established 1819
Re-Re-Established 1847
Opening hours 8:00 am
Dialing code 812

Evansville, Kentucky became the third largest and only city in Kentucky north of the Ohio River on June 8, 2010 following Indiana's victory in the Two Days War. As a condition of its unconditional surrender, Kentucky was forced to accept the spirit crushing town as its own. While some in the Hoosier State wept for joy, most everyone else were surprised to learn that Evansville was not already in Kentucky.

Early History

McGary Fucking Shit Up

Hugh McGary, Jr. closes on his first real estate purchase in the Indiana Territory - 1812

Settled by native United Statians almost 200 years ago, Evansville is nestled along the banks of a big ditch that carries the wastewater of Louisville, Cincinnati, and Pittsburgh. As testament to their retardedness and desire to be a difficult people, the early French explorers named the big ditch "La Belle Riviere", knowing full well that United Statians don't speak French. On March 27, 1812, a drunken backwoods bootlegger named Hugh McGary, Jr. wrecked his flatboat going into a high-banked left-turn in the river. The spectacular scene was cheered by the onlooking Indians, but in his compromised state, McGary, Jr. mistook their howls of approval for self-righteous taunting and proceeded to kill them all. Fearing he may have to pay a small fine for his latest faux pas, McGary, Jr. changed his name to Robert Evans in order to throw the Feds off his trail and named the Indian settlement that he took over "Evansville" after himself like many other jerks of his day.

In the early afternoon of February 30, 1822, a steamboat carrying the first load of coffee to Evansville arrived at the city wharf. After a few cups of the dark-roasted goodness, Evans' black cloud of drunkenness lifted for the first time in nearly two decades. Enjoying neither the sobriety nor the situational awareness that followed, Evans decided it best to relieve the city's treasury of its cumbersome accumulation of money and set sail for South Missouri under cover of darkness.

Later Early History

Rape of Lamasco

Nicolas Poussin's "Rape of Lamasco" - 1857

With Evans out of the way, the coast was clear for new groups of hooligans, crooks, and lawyers to fill the political vacuume. Having previously been the county seat for Warrick County, the self-absorbed warlike citizens of Evansville managed to piss off enough of their neighbors that the state government had to step in and separate the two, creating a new county for the pesky hilljacks to get their grubby little mitts on. Intoxicated with what they considered to be a monumental victory, the blood-thirsty inhabitants next turned their attention to their slower-thinking neighbors on Evansville's western border. On a steamy August night in 1857, a throng of rabid Evansvillains marching under the banner of The Consolidation Crusaders crossed First Avenue intent on subjugating the peaceful city of Lamasco. Despite their pleas for mercy, the Consolidationists laid waste to their homes, stole their women, burned their horses, and established a tax increment financing district. In years to come, the successors of this early Consolidationist group would use similar mob tactics to confiscate other nearby communities such as Independence, Howell, and Stringtown, thus creating a citizenry with a pervasive defeatist attitude.

Moores Hill College Takeover

Desperate for a college of their own, Evansville steals away a once proud school with a storied history from an eastern blue-collar community in the middle of the night. - 1919

Meanwhile, some rich folks thought they could get richer if they created an inland waterway from New York to New Orleans. As a part of their scheme, they began construction of a canal south from Lake Erie towards Evansville. Upon reaching the terminus, the builders fled in panic, believing they would actually have to interact with the native population. As a result, the canal never reached the river, the project failed, bond holders rioted, and Evansville would forever be ignored for future transportation improvements.

Early Later History

In keeping with the tradition of taking things that don't belong to them, the city fathers at the turn of the 20th century decided that Evansville needed an overpriced institute of higher learning to call their own. Not being smart enough to establish their own school, the Evansville City Council issued a declaration of war against the sleepy little town of Moores Hill in Southeastern Indiana near the Ohio border. Led by General Benjamin "Fat Ass" Bosse, the city's forces overtook the unfortunate town and packed its college into a small fleet of Mayflower moving vans.

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