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“It will bring peace, power and security to my new empire!”
“Your new empire?!”
At the epitome of fixed wing aircrafts, The Eurofighter Typhoon (Also known as the EF 2000, Typhoon, Badass Wagon and Flying IT suite) Is a fighter jet that flies in at 1300 mph, looks you in the face, grins evilly, then blows you to kingdom come. Flown by one or two pilots, depending on mood, the Eurofighter is so hard to fly even computers can't do it, so the pilots have to get off their fat arses to attempt to fly it. Armed with long things like penises, but bigger, sharper, and potentially more explosive, it penetrates all targets with ease. In fact it can do that up to 8 times, then make lots of holes in them with its gun built into the fuselage.
Legend tells the story of a brave
cleaning utensil man known as Spongebob who explored the ruins of your crappy computer from the 80's Atlantis, only to find an alien device known only at the time as "01001001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01100100 01100101 01101100 00100000 01101101 01101111 01100010 01101001 01101100 01100101 00100000 01111001 00110010 01101011 00100000 01000011 01010010 01010101 01010011 01000001 01000100 01000101 01010010 00100000 01000101 01000100 01001001 01010100 01001001 01001111 01001110". After taking a generous bribe from his old pal China to provide the only remaining blu-prints and intergalactic sorcery code, he took off as the first honorary sponge to fly such a fighter plane on the 27th of March, 1994.
Apparently a "multirole" fighter, the Eurofighter was developed in response to the break-throughs in faster-than-light travel and apocalyptic nanotechnology by Al-Qaeda and various other terrorist groups.
A further, notable, use was the Eurofighter's inclusion at air shows, attracting crows from miles around to be sucked into the plane's jet engines, many spectators left feeling "guilty but pleasured". This has been disbanded this year after David Cameron sold the aircraft so he could buy his wife designer shades to protect her from the glare of his own forehead during intercourse.
More recently used in operations in libya with the main objective of sticking a rocket up Colonel Gaddafi's son's arse to try and get him up for school. Unfourtuantly this objective, backfired and he was killed in the opperation. Due to there failures, enraged Typhoon pilots solved their problems by taking anger out on the regimes tanks.
It is also used for advertising the RAF on TV with a "we can't die, we have this attitude". The aircraft featured in this advert happens to be the RAF's only typhoon.
The following is actual real undiluted utter fact.
- Top Speed: Better than a bus. A lot better.
- How high it can go: Higher than John Lennon armed with a seventeen foot weed rollup.
- Range: Free range (except the one kept in the royal aviary if the tourists get bored of endless sparrows)
- Crew: An overqualified fat man with a posh accent.
- Missiles: Big and pointy.
- Bombs: Got some of those.
- Guns: One for the pilot for when robot planes finally make the fucker redundant.
- Stealth: They dont want it. Expensive!
The Eurofighter was once thought to be a revolutionary and arrogantly European venture into arial combat, that is until someone pointed out the fact it was just another attempt to jazz something up by adding the prefix "euro" to it, after the "europod" and "euromac" a more exciting approach was needed to interest the public. In fact, the Eurofighter only received press coverage on its release as many news executives believed the name implied a combat-based reality television show.
From a technical perspective the plane was said to be too heavy by leading weight experts and too light by leading plane experts, the debate that ensured ended any productive attempts to decide on weight modification, resulting in the removal of the "weighty" cockpit salted snacks and keeping of the onboard fireplace. A small safety concern was noted when an inside engineer on the project, during a drunken arguement, that to save costs, no seatbelts or helmets were included in the design.
The Eurofighter is being gradually phased out in favor of the more versatile and efficient box kite, with many pilots currently training to avoid unnecessary and tiring re-launches, caused by distraction and over compensation.
The European Union hopes to, one day, produce an aircraft capable of carrying human cargo and has invested heavily in the microlight industry and has begun to send archeologists in search of the fabled technology lost in 1945.