Ethiopia
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“Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ethiopia
“We hope that to reach Ethiopia's level of development by 2300, Ethiopia will continue to support our growing economy.”
~ President Barack Obama on USA
The Most Holy and Transcendent Republic of Ethiopia is an eastern African nation. The citizens of this nation are also most holy and transcendent. Of all people on planet Earth, Ethiopians are the closest to achieving a state of god-like beings of pure energy. It is this quality that most distinguishes Ethiopian culture and politics. It is also for this reason that many around the world worship Ethiopians, groveling at their feet and sending annual tributes of grain and currency.
Ethiopians themselves arrived on earth via the comet Habisinianis, approximately 65 million years ago, and were responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. To replace them they created white, black and yellow people and hoped that noone would notice what they had done.
In the most recent study by the IMF, Ethiopia has been listed as the most wealthy, prosperous country on the planet. Over a quarter of its annual GDP of $987229873 billion dollars is spent on propping up the economies of Europe, Japan and the USA. The base wage of an Ethiopian worker is $750/hour, and not having dentures and botox is the equivelant of not washing your face with soap or brushing your teeth in other countries. In 2009 Ethiopia launches its Nubis7 space station, itself loaded with 57,000 Ethiopians, to aid in the colonisation of Mercury. (Only Ethiopians can withstand its heat).
By the year 2030 The Empress of Ethiopia has promised to remove ethiopia from the continent of Africa and shift it into the Indian Ocean, creating the newly formed "Ethiopianite Archipeligan Republic".
[edit] Geography
Ethiopia occupies the majority of the Horn of Africa. The land has both mountains and lowlands, divided by the Great Rift Valley. From the Great Rift Valley flows ancient primal energies which seep into the blood and soul of every Ethiopian. It is predicted the Great Ethiopian Transcendence will be triggered by a seismic event which will cause a massive eruption of psychic energy emanating from the Great Rift.
The capital city of Ethiopia is Starving Children (Dirt), the name of which means famished orphan. Starving Children is the most transcendent edenic city in the whole of human creation. Founded in 1879 by the most holy Emperor of Ethiopia on the steps of Mount Entoto,Starving Children serves as a focal point of light and moral energy from which transcendence will be able to blossom and lift the Ethiopian people onto a new plane of existence at some future date.
To the north lies the historically important city of Gonder (alternatively Gondar, or less frequently, Gondor), a city of great power during ancient times that opposed Mordor in a series of wars during the Middle Period. These wars were immortalized by the J.R.R. Tolkien in a series of historical texts that became widely read in the latter half of the twentieth century.
In 1993, the people of the northern coast of Ethiopia fell into wickedness and evil. They seceded and formed the nation of Eritrea. The secession of Eritrea cut off Ethiopia from the ancestral lands in the sea. But this was but a trivial matter for the Ethiopians, a people so close to becoming gods.
[edit] History
[edit] The Ancient Powers
In 9000 BCE, four great powers ruled the domain of human affairs: Abyss, Atlantis, Lemuria, and Mu. These powers possessed advanced technologies, harnessing the powers of the sun and the sea. Alas, great wickedness fell upon all of these powers except Abyss. A great destructive war broke out over a matter which has long since become forgotten. Eventually, the power of the sun was unleashed upon all four lands, and they sank into the sea. The people of Atlantis settled in modern day Atlanta, a city of great evil and wickedness that has so far managed to evade multiple attempts to eradicate its existence. The people of Lemuria and Mu settled in modern day Latvia and Moldova respectively; though these people abandoned their wicked ways, they became immersed in banal tedious mediocrity which still exists in this present day. The people of Abyss, never having turned away from the path of the just, fled to the Horn of Africa and founded the great nation of Abyssinia, which would later become modern day Ethiopia.
[edit] The Axumite Kingdom
After the four ancient powers sunk into the sea, the people of Abyss soon came under the Axe effect, and the Axumite Kingdom was established during the first century CE. During the founding of the Axumite Kingdom, Most Holy Emperor Zoskales of Axum received a holy vision: a most beautiful woman appeared before him and told him of a time of great need, a time when she would need a private account into which she could temporarily transfer funds from her dead husband’s assets. Zoskales initiated a massive public program to achieve transcendence. Great spires were built around the capital city of Axum to focus the psychic and spiritual energy of Abyssinia. Soon, the people of Abyssinia developed great spiritual and mental capabilities, gaining a head start of at least several centuries over all other people in the race to achieve ascension into beings of pure energy. During Axum rule, the Abyssinians developed powers of prophecy and clairvoyance.
In the first few centuries of the common era, prophets and wise men from Eurasia, Eastasia, and Oceania flocked to Axum to receive the preserved wisdom of the ancient Abyss. Visitors included Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha. In this way, the transcendence of the Abyssinians became known to all peoples of the world.
[edit] The Gonder Kingdom
For reasons unknown, the Axumite Kingdom came to pass. But a new power would soon arise in Abyssinia in the city of Gonder. Founded by the brothers Isildur and Anárion in the eleventh century, Gonder would continue with the ancient traditions of Abyss. The time of the rule of the Gonder Kingdom came to be known as the Middle Period. During this time, Gonder faced many perils, including constant threats of invasion from the nearby city of Mordor, lead by Emperor Sauron. Throughout this dark time, Gonder stood as a beacon of light and civilization.
Despite the warfare, the program to achieve complete transcendence continued. During this time, the forerunners of the present day Ethiopians gained the powers of empathy and telepathy. penis
[edit] Modernization and the Formation of the Most Holy and Transcendent Republic
Like the Axumite Kingom, the Gonder Kingdom also came to pass. The descendants of the ancient land of Abyss came into a state of disarray. European powers such as England and Italy made several incursions into Abyssinia in the late nineteenth century. However, these incursions were repelled. Eventually, Most Holy Emperor Menelik came to power and initiated a program for modernization and further transcendence. It was under the rule of Menelik that Abyssinia became the Most Holy and Transcendent Republic of Ethiopia. By 1900, Ethiopians had achieved the powers of telekinesis and astral projection.
Big jerks room 306 Further progress toward a state of pure energy was made in the twentieth century and in 1930, Haile Selassie became the Most Holy and Transcendent Emperor. Selassie, with his infinite troves of transcendence and benevolence, exhibited god-like powers including the ability to move large objects with the force of his mind. Selassie was worshipped as a god by millions. Worship of Selassie was organized by the Rasta, non-Ethiopians who hoped that Selassie could lead them, along with the Ethiopians, to the path of most divine and holy transcendence. During the reign of Selassie, many came to Selassie to learn the ways of Abyss. In particular, thousands of Italians migrated to Ethiopia from 1935–1940 to learn the secrets of transcendence.
[edit] Deviation and Resumption Upon the Path to Transcendence
The reign of Selassie brought Ethiopia closer to absolute complete transcendence than ever before. However, by 1974, Ethiopia once again fell into disarray. A civil war broke out between those who would lead the children of Abyss along the same path of wickedness that the people of Atlantis, Lemuria, and Mu had followed and those who sought the holy path. The war would last almost two decades. Finally, a peace agreement was brokered among the factional leaders of Ethiopia and the four horsemen of the apocolypse: War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. The wicked settled in Eritrea, which became a separate nation. Those who had walked on the path of divine righteousness remained in Ethiopia. Despite the chaos, the people of Ethiopia moved further along the path of complete transcendence, gaining powers to talk with the dead and to alter space-time.
[edit] Organization
Ethiopia has an elected assembly of 547 members. Seventeen times each year, the assembly, using powers of telepathy and empathy, creates a great collective hive mind. The hive mind, with the wisdom of ancient Abyss, makes most wise and just decisions. These decisions are implemented by the President and the Prime Minister using transcendent powers of telekinesis and the ability to alter the space-time continuum. This unique form of governing is considered one of the world’s most efficient.
[edit] Political Parties
Two political parties dominate the Ethiopian legislature: the Universal Transcendentalist Democrats and the Holy Abyss Republicans. There are also many small minor parties. The Democrats believe in creating government programs that would assist others in achieving a path to ascendence. The Republicans are in favor of private transcendental efforts.
[edit] Administrative Divisions
Ethiopia is divided into twelve provinces (kebele, plural kebelekuna), three autonomous cities (dergue-bait), two regional popular complexes, a shopping centre, a margravate (saxeanhalt), a palatine peculier, four entertainment parks mainly for children, a soviet socialist oblast, and no less than 619 other divisions created when the All-Amharic Slightly Silly Party briefly held a quorum in the National Assembly in 1989 when because of the complex Ethiopian calendar no other parties were aware that parliament was in session. Those that can be found on a map include:
- Gondor
- Rohan
- Addis Habbababababa
- City and County of Honolulu
- Somalia
- Somaliland
- Northern Somaliland
- Western Upper Northern Somaliland
- The Uninhabited Lands and Territories Apart from Camels and Palaeontologists
- Montego Bay
- Disney Desert
- Jamaica
- Washington D.C., Maryland
- Turriland
As descendants of the people of Abyss, Ethiopians have many rich cultural traditions and customs. As the Ethiopians are millennia ahead of the rest of humanity in achieving a perfect state of absolute transcendence and transforming into beings of pure energy, many of these customs and traditions may seem alien and strange to non-transcendent foreigners.
The Ethiopians put up a front to hide and protect their holy status. To the average non-Ethiopian, or “Ferenji,” Ethiopia appears to be a wasteland, and its inhabitants a perpetually starved people who live in straw huts and speak in clicky languages. THIS IS A LIE. The wasteland is but an illusion, created by folds in the space-time continuum. The illusion serves the Ethiopians by deterring most average humans, particularly Americans, from invading and plundering their most transcendent texts and various artifacts. The only people who are willing to go there are the likes of Sally Struthers, and the entire population of Ethiopia is forced to perpetuate the illusion in her head, which is no easy task—even for Ethiopians.
[edit] Languages
Many languages are spoken by present day Ethiopians. These languages are derived from Ancient Abyss, though some have influences from Ancient Atlantean, Mu, and Lemurian often referd to as Greek. The most popular languages are Amharic, oromifa, and Tigrigna. Only minds as powerful, disciplined, and transcendent as those of Ethiopians could ever hope to learn of these languages. It is hopeless for any foreigner to try to learn an Ethiopian language.
Telepathy is the most common form of communication. The Telephone may be used if the Telepathic lines are down. The most transcendent Ethiopians use Tel'an'ethiopic to communicate to each other. Needless to say, they are one step away from total illumination and immortality.
The early ancient language of the early caveman inhabitants of Ethiopia speak in several junctions of words that sound like this:*Cluck*CLook*Click*. These sounds are created by rolling the front of your tongue to the top part of your mouth to make a click sound
[edit] Sports
The national sport of the country is situated in Malarialand, about 30 kilometers from Addis Ababa, the nation's captital. It is sponsored every 20 years. It would have been once a year but does not happen because of the country's financial problems. Nevertheless, the marathon goes on!
It is situated on Mt. Chuku (You have to use the tongue clicking noise, but only the Ethiopians born with clef-lippititus can do this) where at least 200 people sign up for this event. However the average of 39 only make it to the top due to the number of deaths caused by severe malaria climbing the 456 ft mountain.
Once at the top, the Ethiopians get into their starting position and a doughnut is rolled down the mountain. Hastily, the "athletes" run after it with all their might. This marathon is aired throughout the whole country as it is the only entertainment they get. Most of the runners break their legs during the sprint as their fragile frames cannot support the tremendous forces.
Once the doughnut is stopped at the bottom nobody gets it. Most of the Ethiopians that ran broke their legs and died of internal bleeding and numerous others of malaria. The dictator of the nation, Muozam Habibi, laughs his black ass off until he dies from choking on the national snack, 'Flies on a stick.'
After 20 years, when all of Ethiopia's income is put into the marathon (which is $14.57), the 'Doughnut Run' is started all over.
If an Ethiopian were to win, he would be prized with a pair of Denim jeans as this one only has one fly and a free shot for HIV. But sadly, this has never happened in all of the runs history.
[edit] Music
To average non-transcendent humans, Ethiopian music can either sound “exotic” or “overly dull.” This is because they only perceive Ethiopian music to have just five notes playing over and over again. In reality, Ethiopian scales cover multitudes of frequencies across various spectra imperceptible to the non-transcendent. In addition, Ethiopian rhythms may sound sporadic and chaotic, but in fact are extremely mathematical. Ethiopian rhythms constitute a language in and of themselves, and the entire tale of the Ethiopian Exodus can be told with only a pair of skin drums.
Here is an example of Ethiopian music in action. This example depicts pre-transcendant Ethiopians receiving prophetic visions, resulting in heavy seizures. The rhythm has been decoded to be the tale of the First Transcendant, the Queen of Sheba; the extrasonic component is yet to be perceived by non-transcendant technology. What the non-transcendant may perceive as shoddy camerawork is in fact Ethiopians directly manipulating the image in the mind of the viewer. Note that the illusion of a destitute Ethiopia is preserved, save for a single slip when it is revealed that they are actually among the clouds.
Here is a rare tape of a non-transcendant Ferenji attempting to receive similar prophetic visions. His head was later found imploded into a singularity.
[edit] Time-Keeping
Because Ethiopians have achieved the power to alter space-time, Ethiopian clocks and calendars are different from those used by the rest of non-transcendent humanity.
Ethiopian 12-hour clock cycles do not begin at midnight or noon, but instead start at 6. High noon for outsiders is 6 o’ clock for the most transcendent and holy people of Ethiopia.
The Ethiopian year starts on September 11, showing that the Date That Changed Everything was long prophesized beforehand by the Ethiopians. It contains thirteen months which are as follows:
Each of the months lasts 30 days except for Paguemen which lasts 5 or 6 “normal human” days (depending on leap years). However, in their warping of space-time, Ethiopians are able to stretch this small amount of time into an entire lunar cycle.
When you say to someone (in their language) be here at 7 AM european time, they'll always come at 1PM, and when you tell them to come 1in the morning, Ethiopian time, they just won't show up! THATis what gets me angry ya know!
[edit] Cuisine
Ethiopia is very well known throughout the world as the only nation whose people can live on a bag of rice for their entire lifetime. Ethiopian food consists of grains and legumes which are high in transcendent psychic energy. Foremost of these is the grain teff, which is a species of lovegrass and gluten-free. Teff is ground into flour and made into injera, a tangy spongy etherial plane.
It is traditional to serve various types of stews with injera. These stews are made with berbere, a spice mixture which allows one to have transcendent prophetic visions.
Ethiopian food is traditionally eaten without the use of silverware or of hands. Instead, food is consumed using telekinesis.
One of the most transcendental meals is Genfo. Normally a breakfast item, it consists of eating a mountain containing a volcano and lava made of Kibe and Berbere.
The ancient spices used in these tribal concoctions, A.K.A food, generate psychic powers and some special spices like "Mikmita" able consumers to use telekinesis to transport from hut to hut.
Ethiopia is very well known throughout the world as the only nation whose people can live on a bag of rice for their entire lifetime. This is a very hard skill to master, but can be achieved through millennia of starvation.
In an attempt to counter the ever growing problem of starvation/malnutrition occuring in Ethiopia, organisations and countries alike have rallied together to provide food and health support for the masses. This has provided much relief and graciously welcomed, all but the exception of the USA who, under the leadership of George W. Bush and in coherence with the British Prime Minister, Gordon "Mad-Eye" Brown, sanctioned that an improved effort must be made to provide the natives with more substantial meals. As a result, all homeless and lesser beings of society (see chavs) were boxed up, salted and shipped to Ethiopia with sachets of Heinz Tomato Ketchup and Mozarrella for all. Thus killing two birds with one George.
[edit] Religion
60% of the Ethiopian population are Muslim. Many Ethiopians claim to be either Christian or Muslim. They claim this out of a false modesty. Ethiopians are the most transcendent and holy people on the planet; the most proper and true religion is to worship the Ethiopians.
Enoch the Ethiopian invented religion, writing, and transcendental meditation. In fact, Enoch is said to keep a record of every human being's deeds in the Book of Life. If you want to go to heaven, you better start worshipping Ethiopians. Even, and especially when, they are not even around. This Book of Life may be edited after reading the help section and the Intro.
[edit] Beta Israel
Ethiopia also used to have several alleged Jews, but that didn’t count, since they’re all schvartzers and none of them were doctors, lawyers, or accountants. Nonetheless, these Ethiopian Jews term themselves Beta Israel, as they were Israel in the beta-testing stage. Like other Ethiopians, they are most transcendent and holy, possibly even more than their Christian/Muslim counterparts. Later, upon discovering their holiness, Israel kidnapped the entire Ethiopian Jew population to exploit their powers for sinister Zionist plots. Upon arriving in Israel, the Ethiopian Jews were made Bar Mitzvah and were never seen again. See also: Ethiopian Jews
[edit] Future Prospects
As descendants of the people of Abyss, the Ethiopians are the most spiritually advanced of all peoples. Within the next decades, they will all become beings of pure transcendent energy. All of us will welcome our new Ethiopian overlords.
“All hail our new king, Marvin the Four-Dimensional And Certainly Not Starvin’!”
For the past decade, the Ethiopian government has been embarking on Project Betalem97, which has seen the construction of 19 rocket powered subterranean boosters beneath the section of crust upon which Ethiopia lies. This, by 2020 will enable Ethiopia to remove itself from Earth and join the Comet Abisinisanis which is set to pass the earth on the same year, and the Ethiopians will return to their home world of Falana.
[edit] Famous Ethiopians
There are a few famous Ethiopian's, Those include:
[edit] Fun Facts
- Ethiopians (as with most Black people) tend to have extraordinarily large penises, often requiring the "Triple-Ultra Magnum" size in condoms. On the oposite end of the spectrum are East-Asian people, who can often suffer from problems such as "penile deficiency".
- Ethiopia is an African country.
- To start a civil war in Ethiopia, you just need to free a chicken in a big market.
- Elevator in America: 6 people or 1000 pounds. Elevator in Ethiopia: 1000 people or 6 pounds.
- The last ethiopian with a bottle of coke opened a hypermarket in the country.
- Ethiopians sleep in a needle, and cover themselves with a sewing line.
- You surely weren't born in Ethiopia.
- In Ethiopia, only one cemetery is needed.
- The most inhabitted region of Ethiopia varies with the direction of the wind.
- Santa Claus doesn't go to Ethiopia, because children that do not eat do not deserve toys.
- Nobody uses bow-ties there, to do not be confused with crucifixes.
- The fastest animal on Earth, is a chicken crossing Ethiopia.
- In 2009 Ethiopia acquired Ex Russian T62 commie tanks (better than american M1A1 abrams shit but worse than Challanger 2's) and chased away the Eritrea invaders who were trying to steal their land.
- Ethiopia is the most ecologic country in the world, because the consumption of food, water and energy of its entire population is less than the same consumptions of a single american man.
- The only pharmacy that was ever opened in Ethiopia went bankrupt, because most of their meds were supposed to be ingested after the meals.
- Everyone has 'No mozer, and no fazer."
- They all seem to be very angry...
