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|Publisher(s)||RPG maker 2007 company (5.5$ at Walmart)|
|Latest version||1.8.0 permanent-beta|
|Release date(s)||Only beta version available|
|Mode(s)|| Ebul PKer|
|Platform(s)||Linux, Nintendo, Macintosh, Nintendo Wii|
|System requirements||Strong hatred for RuneScape|
|Input||Keyboard, Mouse, Titanium serpent sword, Credit card|
“How the hell do I eat food in this game?!?”
“Failed and lost ingredients ... there's a fucking surprise”
“I will fucking ban all the users of this game”
“U obey, u ok!”
Eternal Lands, an expensive DirectX-based multiplayer online role-playing game was created by Entropy in early 1960s, even before Internet was invented, and is still actively maintained today. It has no significant differences from its main rival RuneScape, but is believed to be superior in terms of in-game rules and moderation that grants enjoyment for everyone.
Being a programming genius, evil Radu Privantu (a.k.a Entropy) coded this game in 2 hours, but the game initially suffered from low quality graphics. The reason was quite a trivial one - the most perspective project designer, Sexy Roja, was banned from the game for 3 years (for destructive criticism). Later, Entropy recognized his mistake and married her. When alpha version was released in early 1970s, the game immediately draw the attention of millions of users, probably because there were not many computer games at that moment. The gameplay was significantly spoiled by such an overwhelming amount of players, so Entropy decided to start banning them. He was extremely successful in this, and in 2008, only about 800 players can be seen online. However, even this amount is considered to be harmful, so further efforts are taken to reduce the number.
This is where Aislinn comes in. Aislinn, a dense power-hungry child that doesn't know how to add will randomly accuse characters of breaking the rules. Accused characters are then banned for a month (or more) at a time, even if their innocence has been proven. Aislinn has went as far as requiring family photos of everybody next to their PC.
edit The game
Game is not cluttered with many possible activities, the game-play focuses around the main categories (described below).
Bunch of whiners interested only in: grinding, grinding and free stuff. Anything that takes even a little bit of effort is... beyond their comprehension.
Harvesting is a highly spiritual element in Eternal Lands. Players, equipped with various self-made tools, go to the caves or remote places and harvest various resources, including, but not limited to, iron ore, popcorn, poison ivy or just Orc excrements. The harvested materials are later placed in storage, and kept there till the next storage wipe (the process when all the items are deleted, in order to reduce their count and make a more challenging game). Besides storing and boasting about the numbers, those items have little use in game.
edit Worshiping gods
There are many deities in Eternal Lands, which you may or may not worship (if you take Godless perk). However, the one and main deity that all must constantly worship is Fit Radu, also known as "Teh Assole". Even a small heresy can result in an immediate ban from the game. As mentioned, other gods aren't so cruel, but they can decrease the experience you get.
The easiest way to level-up in this game is donating. This is a simple and straightforward process, you need to transfer some money to Entropy's paypal account. Each paid dollar increases your experience by 1000, and you also receive some useful game items. For bigger sums, you can get any possible item, providing you unlimited gaming fun - that's why this game is so popular.
edit Player Killing
or PK for short, takes place mostly on forums and chats (since all in-game pk maps are abandoned and rarely visited by any players). The main goal in pk on forums is to write a post that bores to death the biggest number of readers. For each reader who's passed away before reaching the end of the post you are receiving so called pki's. Pki is a unique form of reward present exclusively in Eternal Lands. pki's can be exchanged for such attractive rewards like Roja's hand-made handkerchiefs, Entropy's lap dance, Icelinn's icy handshake, LabBat's butt vaccine or Sistema's bluescreen error.
On the chat channels, pki's are being rewarded to those who successfully include "I'm pr0" and "pk is dead" in one sentence, as well as for the most figurative combinations of lol, wtf, rofl and lmao of the month.
edit PK server
PK is so popular amongst players that a new server has recently been made specifically for it. To join there, you only have to pay small fees (see Donating) with real money. On the PK server, dozens of players with thousands of alt characters each are PKing all around chat channels every day, just because they love the PK system so much. Once per day a parade is held to honor Entropy, who made everything possible.
edit Future plans
The game is supposed to stay Beta forever, in order to keep it original amongst tons of other released games. However, it is constantly being improved. The next-big-thing in the game is a revolutionary hand-drawing style graphics engine (under development). While the details are kept secret, one screenshot has been leaked (depicted right).
While banning players from the game and forums is agreed to be fun, users want more. Typical suggestions are faster banning, giving rights for professional players to ban noobs and random ban-of-the-day. In addition, players demand a more challenging game, for example item break-rates and cooldown times are considered to be very low and need urgent fixing. Game developers, especially Entropy, are very friendly towards user comments, and most of the suggestions are, as time allows, implemented. Authors of the best suggestions receive a free ban, plus an ability to donate more later.
Eternal Lands has tons of rules which you'll be breaking all the time without knowing it and getting banned. Most of them, however, can be summarized in this three big rules:
- If you ain't fucking the server, it's OK.
- If you ain't criticizing Idiot Entropy or the mods, it's OK.
- And most important: Don't EVER assume you're a piece of shit better than the mods and Entropy.
By not following one of these rules you will be banned. If you follow all this rules, you'll still be banned, it's only a matter of time.
edit Moderation Team
In case of criticism, you should call one of these guys. If someone breaks the rules, you do #abuse, and a mod will ban YOU for interrupting his pr0n session. Those who help Entropy in his user-banning:
- There is one who is completely dumb, but says he's still learning. They call him Student.
- There's another, promoted to evil queen of the mods for her icy persona and addiction to server log checking, the aptly named Icelinn.
- There's another one who thinks he is a sort of super hero, but is too blind to see he's actually only a test subject for Entropy's evil experiments. They call him LabBat. Labrat was never a Mod N00B!!
- And of course, the always-evil Entropy.
The forums of this universal abnormality are perhaps the most enjoyable aspect of this entire topic. Their primary purpose is to provide a post deleting practice ground for the afore mentioned Entropy helper; Student. On these forums there are the following sections:
edit News of Game Updates
Forums section where Entropy posts day to day activities of his personal sex life including pornographic images customarily created by his secret character in outrageously controversial positions that sometimes have to do with Zukini Sticks and cans of mayonnaise, 'nough said.
Forums section where Roja posts her incredible hand fingerpainted works of art that are auctioned off to the highest bidder in the game. Surprisingly these artworks are seen everywhere in day to day life.
Forums section where all the rules of how to torture n00bies into doing ridiculously entertaining actions are posted here. EX: T3h Golden Rule: No n00b with b00bs will be left alone with tombolarul.
Forums section where shocking description of pedophile acts taking place every day on Isla Prima can be found. Section led by informal group of perverts that gather every day around camp fire in a place called The Beam.
edit Help and Information
Blah blah this section sucks 'cept for the banned section where all players talk about their penises doing naughty things on EL while they were taking a nap and then getting conspicuously banned by Gossip.
edit General Chat
Forums Section where players have nice little chats about their day to day ritual orgies with other players and some playboy named Bob the Gob, but be careful, sometimes Trik takes naughty pictures and trades them for Entropy's home-made porn0's.
Retarded section where the mentally unstable Events Manager hosts Oscar Wilde finding competitions that even the Kitten Huffers aren't interested in.
edit Role playing
Easily the best section of all where players pretend to be Keneu Reeves and host fantasies about themselves getting phone calls and being beamed into the game and finding hot juicy Rectalgal Stones with Trinity.
edit Market Place
Forums Section where President Bush attempts to sell Nuclear weapons that he stole personally from Sudam Hussein's crackhouses located in Michael Jacksons themepark where perverted clowns ride the penis merry-go-round, until they are attacked by the dreaded Unicorns from Eternal Lands which shove their horns up their urethra's.
edit Guilds and Clans
Section where random beanie baby fans go on and form fan clubs called guilds. Once they have their guild they spam over and over again how they can't find any freakin' mustard to dip their extremely valuable vegetables in.
This section was previously called "Outlaws", but due to overly idealistic tree-hugging vegetarians deeming most everyone an 'outlaw' simply for playing the game, it's now called Disputes. With the name change came a shift of usual topic, previously being 'the location of Osama Bin Laden', now being 'Who left the milk out?'. Beware of swift post deletion by the ebul mod Appendixie if you stray even slightly from the milk topic.
Vein Swegin Lous Vlosinburger mein Ket slun hei plugo de los biatches... WtF did I just say?
Nothing is ever offtopic in Eternal-Lands. Except for talk about NMTs, (N.M.Ts = Nub moving telekinesis spell.)
Forums Section where people rant and cuss at a yankeefan10 who posts utterly ridiculous ideas involving the need to be able to have massive food fights with fruits and raw meat.
An exception to this are Entropy's posts asking players for opinions on planned additions and banning those whose answers he doesn't like. Very innovative and entertaining form of public relations between the owner and potential customers!
edit Bug Reports
Section where people talk about deadly diseases such as Hepatitis C and Herpes that they spread throughout each other while ingame as a pre-warning as to whos infected with what. If there's something wrong with the game, you can also post it here, where your post will rot and die, because no one cares about your problems, n00b. That is, if a mod doesn't come by and ban you for not loving Entropy.
Section that players secretly use as a database to host masses of animated animal p0rno that will never be found because nobody ever reads this section.
edit Map Making
Place that everybody is afraid to visit because of the taint that the mentally Obese Sistema Silverfish left in which players hear a distinct sound of fingers clicking and then a sharp pr0be into their rear.
Surprisingly, there is only one story that tells the wondrous and mystical tale of Eternal Lands.
The story goes as followed: There was once a fat old fairy who got pregnant and decided to have an abortion, but due to complications and a miracle involving St. Peters having an orgasm at the exact second that the abortion occurred, the aborted fetus survived. Although doctors thought it to be dead, they threw it into a trashcan which was carried to the inter-city dump where our young fetus hero was still fighting for every bit of life in its grasp. After surviving a few years on rats and bits of moldy cheese and mustard, Fetus-man moved into his new home, the city sewers, where he befriended a tame crocodile named Betty. Fetus man and Betty got along swell and the two of them to this day enjoy a nice cup of coffee and dragging screaming humans into the sewers to their doom.
Funny how the cocksucker who made this didnt catch any of Eternal lands beauty and glory ............ all of this page is lies
---re: Yeah but its funny as hell and kinda true, atleast the part about the bannings
edit Special Days
One of the EL specific features are Special Days. These wonderful events spice up the game and enhance already wonderful player's experience. Special Days are either random events happening when Entropy's server fucks up, or initiated manually when Entropy fucks up with the server.
Some Special Day examples include:
edit Day of Aleksei Stakhanov
Description: 3x donation (your credit card is billed triple) Role Play: Aleksei Stakhanov is in the town today, sending you to Gulag (Soviet labor camp) to work triple shifts
edit Day of Joule
Description: Half the food disappears from your fridge Role Play: Today we celebrate James Prescott Joule. We know shit about him, nevertheless we have to feed him, otherwise he dies and we'll have a problem what to do with a body.
edit Day of no grief
Description: No items break today. Role Play: Today our planet is passing throughout an area in our universe where the electromagnetic law is slightly different, and this is causing the armors, weapons, tools and clothes to never break for the duration of this day. WTF, no grief? No grief - no play! Server is down, go home, play scrabble. kkthxbb.
Note: This one got removed 'cause Entropy launched a new banning plan.
edit Day of Sun Tzu
Description: 2x sexual experience Role Play: Sun Tzu is in town, teaching people about how to be better at sex. Be prepared to be fucked by modes twice a day. No complaints please, even if a mod is A Fatal Kisser.
edit No drops day
Description: No drops, simple. Role Play: Use toilet you moron! Dung lying everywhere around makes Ent sick!
edit Peace Day
Description: No fighting today, although to keep you busy we have a lot of other nice activities available for you. Role Play: Today we celebrate life and, as such, we will be dancing on ebul minefields until cows go home. Optionally, you can throw up to the Isla Prima well.
edit Green Day
Description: No clothes in colour other than green permitted. Role Play: Today we honor Mother Nature by stripping her off her clothes. Since her body is green, we call it Green Day. If upon character creation you have chosen clothes other than green, stay away from Eternal Lands at all cost! When caught in game, you will be brought to the Beam, raped, pk'ed and banned (in a random order). Obviously, no refunds for shop purchases!
- Channel 6
- Channel 20
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THIS WAS ALL MADE BY RUDE RUNESCAPE PLAYERS THANKYOU NEWBS