From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Official language||Strange Finnish sounding thingy|
|Ethnic groups||White Estonians, Black Russians|
|Prime Minister||Undress Unzip|
|Ministry idiot||Juhan Car-Axel Parts|
|Vice President||Anu Saagim and/or Homer S.|
|Economic advisor||Janar Kootikum and his brother Einar Kootikum|
|Currency||Estonian Cocoon (EEC)|
|National anthem||Wipe your feet on the way in (similar to France or something like that)|
Estonia, (pronounced as it is spelled but not always spelled as it is pronounced) commonly misspelled with two or more missing vowels, or confused with Bonerania, Stonia, Stanistan, e-Stonia, Ebola, Estoniastan, I'm stoned or Estoniastanistoniashabalabalabadoooo, is the richest and most delevoped country between Finland, Russia and Latvia as well as the most hopeless and confusing. Notice that while the present article may contain some typographical errors, the yet-to-be-written article called The Truth about Estonia is completely wrong and presents a misleadingly hyper-superlative picture of the country, in other words - the truth.
The name Estonia comes from what is known from ancient times that Estonians turn visitors into rocks, also known as stones. For that reason, people have always avoided from going to Estonia and it is not true that Estonians have changed that habit. Estonia is full of stones which Estonians have turned people into, some of which are a major tourist attraction.
Estonians take great pride in being the best of the best. Here are some important metrics that really make Estonia stand out from the rest of Europe:
- Estonia has the highest AIDS prevalence in the whole Europe! Millions of foreigners visit Estonia every year to fuck our legendary hookers.
- The greatest gender inequality gap, with men earning roughly twice the wage of women!
- 12 Gallons of pure alcohol consumed per capita every year, which is second greatest in the whole Europe (damn Czech! We will beat them next year)
- The smallest fraction of religious people in the whole world! Less than one quarter report any religious affiliation.
Estonian language is the weirdest in the world. Most words have 4 vowels in a row, and at least one Ümläüẗ like "jäääär", "töööö", or "kuuuurïja". Some words can mean almost everything. For example, "tee" means (1) a road, (2) tea, and (3) do! (imperative form). All in all: the two main issues in Estonian language: no gender (he=she) and no future form, in simple words NO SEX, NO FUTURE!!! It also means that Estonians not only are asexual but also can't tell today from tomorrow.
One of the things foreigners will notice about great Estonian language is that Estonians are constantly talking about sex. 'Terviseks' (a common toast which is sometimes translated as "for health" but which actually means "let's do it, you know what I mean"), 'varastamiseks' (to steal while having sex), 'põletamiseks' (to burn while having sex), 'seksimiseks' (to have sex while having sex), perhaps most exotic sexual toast to other Westerners is 'aaaaaauuuutseks no-seks?' (come on, we're family aren't we)? and finally the spiciest series of toasts: 'kastreerimiseks' (to castrate while having sex) and/or 'soomuutmiseks' (to change your sex while having sex). These are just some of the classic estonian verbs that can be ended with the suffix "seks". This makes Estonians reluctant to engage in any sexual activities, sociologists speculate. There is also a good sentence to remember "Tule mulle naiseks", (lets go and have frantic sex, we don´t have to be married to do it).
The word for the number twelve in estonian also happen to mean "cock's taste" (when used like dative singular) and the word for month is also positive adjective in similar gramatical form to the earlier said. And so in estonian is "cock's taste good" (twelve months) when we think about lunar cycle.
In Estonia, there are lots of dialects. Mostly know dialect is 'Ilmatsalu Murre'. They like to say 'Ää jõrr meees' (Don't maunder with me) and 'Määnselt laheda kiirendusega BMW, millel olid säänselt suured rattad' (With bad-ass acceleration BMW, what have very HUGE wheels). If you hear someone saying this type of sentences, then better run. They may HARM you!
Contrary to their claims, most Estonians cannot really speak or write English correctly. This page is a bona fide example of English words written using good ol' Estonian grammar, also known as the phrase "fluent in English" in every Estonian CV.
Origins of Estonian
The story may or may not be copyrighted but it does have an author (although almost everyone here receives at least one copy a year by e-mail). See here. It's someone called Douglas Wells.
The real story behind why Estonian is the way it is. A long time ago, about 100 or 9100 AD, three Estonian guys were sitting around the campfire. Their names were Billy, Ray and Duke. They were bored.
Billy spoke first. "Ya know Ray, what we need is a new language".
"Damn right!" said Ray, "Talkin' this way is gettin' boring and besides, everybody almost understands us. We need a language that's soo crazy, soo complicated that nobody will ever understand what's going on!".
As the idea picked up steam, Duke piped up. "Lets do it this way, that you can't say he or she. That way you won't know if you're talkin' about a man or woman. Also, we gotta think up names for people that give no clue to foreigners about their gender, names that change with the grammar so you never know what to call somebody!"
Ray nodded in approval. "Yeah," he said thoughtfully, "that's it. Then we can eliminate the future tense. Think of trying to ask someone out on date when you can't say the right name, whether it's a boy or girl or when it is going to happen!"
Billy, the smart one, was thinking in more technical terms already. "OK, let's make it this way, that when you learn a noun, you don't have to learn just one word but 14. Yeah and instead of just saying that you are going to or from something, you have to change the noun in some weird way." Now Ray was excited and spilled his beer. "Yeah! And ... the nouns can't change the same way, let's make like, a hundred different spelling groups that all change in different ways!"
This appealed to Duke who added slyly, "Ya wanna make it real hard, a real nut-buster? Let's make it so all adjectives change, too. In boring old English, you say 'five small, red houses', 'small, red houses' and 'many small, red houses'. Small and red always stay the same but in our new language? Whoaaaa Nellie!"
Then they started practising how to say 'Oh, you're learning Estonian' without busting up laughing.
Common misinterpretation is that this logo (also called "Estonian Nokia") was made by the best Estonian designer (some liars say he's the only one but that's not completely true). It is rumored to have cost more than 19,000,000 EEC. It reads: "Come to Estonia, free bread!". This slogan was used to invite colonizers from the east to the Estonia. Almost 60 years later the slogan was rediscovered from KGB archives. The slogan also demonstrates that the word "Estonia" consists of two different words: "Est" and "Onia". Est means East and Onia=Onion, so Estonia should actually be called The Eastern Onion Country. And Onion is, for Estonians, the synonym of vegetable.
Yes, the logo is freaky, but that's what makes it cool, or at least the above-mentioned designer thought so. Other people just think he was either way too high or way too crazy about Yoda, the author of Store Wars. The slogan is often mistaken for the Estonian flag.
Estonian culture is unique. This is because Estonians are not allowed to know anything outside Estonia, including learning other languages than Estonian. This is because a large part of the Estonian income is expected to come from tourism, which is a hope that any tourists would come to Estonia to see the Estonian authentic culture. Thus the culture must remain authentic and must be maintained as such. The maintainers of the culture hope to buy Adidas or Nike shoes for money from tourism.
Myths and legends
All Estonians worship a pagan God called Tarapita, also called Taara (the same as empty beer bottles are called). Tarapita was born in the North-Eastern part of the Estonian mainland, in a holy grove on a hill, from where he flew to the A-Great-Egg-Hill-Island (see map), making a crash landing and leaving a huge crater in the ground, now filled with water and called Kaali järv (lake Kaali) - and this is no joke, folks! This God is famous for his fertility (see above under History) and scaring the shit out of the Christian God in the II Crusade by using his Lightning Strike combined with Poison Nova (lvl 65). Nowadays Estonians celebrate Taara by dancin' 'round da garbage on June 24 (John Smith's day).
Another famous mythological figure is Peeter Võsa from the only book written entirely in Estonian. Estonians are very proud of that book, and everyone who has read it can use public transport (which means the two-and-a-half tram lines in Tallinn) for free. It is a free translation of Joyce's Ulysses, yet some fantasy realms have been added by the Baltic-German doctor F.R.Kreutzwald. In this book you can find porn (a Swedish girl raped on an island), violent killing (stealing swords from Finland), smuggling (carrying wood over the lake of Peipsi) and limb fetish (some guy's hands and legs are cut off in the end). As Kalevipoeg didn't sell good in first years, pictures of naked people were added. By the way, Peeter Võsa is an excellent example of an average Estonian man. Nowadays it is the most popular book after Edgar Savisaar's „Peaminister. Eesti lähiajalugu 1990–1992“, which has less naked people inside, but was written by an aviosexual frog of Pakistan origin. The latter book is commonly used at making buildings when short of bricks due to its enormous weight (more than 10 kilogrammes each) and its durability on extreme conditions. It is also worth mentioning that the whole Estonian family system is based on "Kalevipoeg". Namely, the main hero's name, "Kalevipoeg", translates as "Kalev's son". Kalevipoeg had three brothers: Sulevipoeg (Sulev's son), Olevipoeg (Olaf's son), Klaveripoeg (Piano's son, also known as Reinhold Rannap), and O'Boeg (O's Zon, told to have been conceived during an oral intercourse). It is common even nowadays that mothers name their sons after their respective fathers. If the father's name is not known, the son is given the name "Edgaripoeg" (Edgar's son). Edgar is a metasyntactic variable that is widely used among the Estonian Perl programmers.
The traditional Estonian cuisine consists of foods that have gone off or are just plain rotten. For example rotten cabbage (hapukapsas), rotten cucumbers (hapukurk), old sour porridge (kaerakile), milk gone off (hapupiim) especially when mixed with flour from different grains (no, I don't know either for what purpose), called kama. Kama is also slang for hard drugs in Estonia so you newer know if someone kid asks money from parents to buy grains or it's for their school heroin party as the prices are almost same for these two. Because of this Estonia freedom fighters (okupandid) generation from east who are officially recognized as Saviors who bring higher culture and freedom to estonia according to King Edgar Savisaar, often by accident take harder drugs when they go to shoplifting (officially after 2007 April known as "just shopping" according to estonia must respected newspaper Kesknädal). Currently Savisaar has put together greatest minds who will start next brilliant narko.ee official anti-drug program how to make grain more expensive so kids would prefer this when they start to be interested about kama even in as decent arias as Narva or Kohtla-Järve where most eSStonea patriots live.
Also, all Estonians are obligated by law to consume the better part of a pig with every meal. Mostly, Estonians eat those parts of animals that the previous rulers of the country threw out. Intestines, ears and tails dominate the cuisine. One of the most important dishes is blood, grains and pieces of fat in a bowel and it´s called blood sausage(verivorst). That is made by killing the pig, draining the blood, cutting off its rectum, stuffing it with the blood, grain and fat and then - you guessed it - eating it. Every Estonian likes blood. Estonia has plenty of blood food. Even Mäkdonalds serves the bloodburger and big bloodburger. You can buy blood in supermarkets; it is sold in small packages like juice. In Valga county people love the blood festival that is running every day in club "Valga lihakombinaat".
Nowadays Estonians eat a variety of different foods, such as sand, Latvian pickle and chocolate from a chocolate monopoly "Kalev". Sand is very commonly eaten mostly in the south-western part of Estonia, mainly near a sand factory called Pärnu. Sand being a national food goes back to ancient times, when Estonian tribes ruled the whole Sahara and Atacama deserts. It is said that they wanted to differ from locals and therefore began eating sand. Latvian pickle is also an essential part of an Estonian's every-day food. Estonians say that they eat Latvian pickles because: 1. It is the only food sold in markets 2. It is cheap (5 EEC each). Contrary to the widespread belief, nobody actually eats kanahakkliha . The main use of this product is to scare children to become vegetarians.
When not eating pickles, sand or blood, Estonians eat chocolate from a chocolate company "Kalev", which some years ago was a sewer depository station. Reportedly, it is under control of reptile aliens, who plant their eggs in the chocolate. Estonian chocolate consists of blood, sand and pickles. A new taste revolution started in 2004, when "Kalev" began importing black people, hidden inside loads of coffee beans. Check article in Postimees
The primary national food is shaslõk and the only nonalcoholic drink which people drink is called "Belõi Aist" or "Armenjak".
Real Estonians turn down their noses at mere beer or wine. Estonians have made the world's only 195-proof vodka for human consumption: the drink is so dry that it literally sucks moisture from the air. Under no circumstances should anyone accept a drinking match against an Estonian.
Another favorite food of Estonians is pickled, otherwise raw fish. The Estonian idea of a perfect buffet is twelve different kinds of raw fish in pickled brine (preferably with the blood still in the fish), and black bread.
However, a true Estonian would never touch a dish if it is not made the exact way that mother in Saaremaa used to. Words to scare Estonians off food are "healthy", "spice" or "vegetable".
As with many Eastern European countries,, Estonia has its own, distinctive folk costume.
Religion and Cults
Striitreisser ( Street-racers in English) is a large group of men and women. They can usually be seen wearing blue uniforms, while patrolling the roads of Estonia, looking for prey. They don't leave any traces, just like the ninja. On a side note - the ninja are AWESOME!
Eurovision's Fanclub's Fanclub (they fan Eurovision's Fanclub). They are usually hostile, attacking young and promising Estonia's singers (like the band Ruffus), and should be avoided at all costs. This fan club holds it's rituals and traditional sacrifices in different places, but they can be primarily found lurking in their Hive (they call it The Nest) - Saku Suurhall. Everybody definitely visit our Tallinn English Collenge (dope gym)
Rate.ee'ers (users of rate.ee; ratefags in eng). They are the worst of all mentioned before. They love to take pictures of everyone every time everywhere and put them on rate.ee. Then they rate the pictures and write comments to them. Reidipeded spend most of the day in rate.ee (about 16 hours) so you won't be seeing much of them in the streets (that's good). But the youngers Reip.ee'ers spend their time in Viru Keskus (Viru Center in English) after school and Viru Keskus is also called as Reidipede Keskus. Reip.ee'ers usually run around screaming and destroying. Sometimes so much damage is done that the government has to reorganise the entire country. If you really want to die, go to www.rate.ee and put your pic in there and become a critic (person who rates only with "1"). Leave your full address, e-mail and phone number and your death is guaranteed. It's the quickest way to kill someone or commit suicide (use your own address).
Most Estonians never speak, they only make mumbling sounds like: "mmmmmm". The other common ways of face-to-face communication are spitting, screeching, and step dance. Therefore, speaking is regarded as a high art among Estonians. Some Estonians (0,71% according to a recent census) do produce language-like sounds. As the Estonian language is extremely difficult to learn, not to say about mastering it, most of the locals don't care to acquire more than a few words (kurat, pede, rate.ee, raisk). They usually use words borrowed from Russian, English or Swahili. The Russian part of the lexicon consists mainly of laconic describing sentences, such as: "Ты хуй" (=I love you but...). The English part of language is mainly used to show your emotions: "Fuck", "Bitch", "fkurslf" and many more. With these kind words, Estonians easily handle all types of situations. The Estonian language(see an above section) is still studied in a few Finnish and Hungarian universities because of its doubtful Oogry-Moogric roots.
There is some evidence that Estonians are literate though, at least what concerns the numbers. The number 111 appears to be written on toilet walls in many places all over the Estonia. Some also suggest that appearance of that number in so many places signifies the end of the world.
The only freedom known in Estonia is not to say what they are not expected to say, and do what they are told. Because this is also known without saying, no estonian politicians ever talk about freedom.
A fuller treatment of the Estonian Literature is in a separate article; only the major issues are outlined here. As already mentioned, the only book written entirely in Estonian is Kalevipoeg. There are other books, however, which may be mentioned in this rubric but there are various foreign elements in their language. For example, "Lies and Unjustice" by H. A. Saaretamm (18 volumes) is an important novel and all Estonians who go to school are forced to read the first chapter and to memorize the first page ("There it lies, the Robbers' Hill..."). However, the author makes extensive use of foreign words (e.g., "revolutsioon" in vol. 12, or "sotsialismus" in vol. 9) and is thus alienated from the spirit of Estonian language. The "O spring of my childhood, I jump from joy" by O. Ogalik is a fine piece of poetry in prose, but the majority of the dialogues are in Russian. This is even reflected in the title of the book which in the original version reads as: "Prassai, Primavera!" Consequently, Ogalik should be considered a Russian rather than Estonian writer.
Estonia is a place of many mysteries, legends and myths. Most of them deal with the exact location of the country.
The most popular myth, which is also taught in several schools, is that Estonia is located west of Tokyo, north of Setumaa, south of Santa's home and somewhere above the centre of the Earth (not quite sure), but this tale is officially disregarded as a typical sign of exhaustion from blogging.
Another story tells that Estonia is actually a bloody cold country covered with deep mud and greedy people who eat children, but this is largely unfounded because of the lack of the children who could testify to that.
Through many researches and discussions the current view is the following: Estonia is a warm country with fantastic women in Southeast Earth. Legend goes that the women were imported from Russia, as a gift from Vladimir VII (7.) the Putin, current Russian Czar. Vladimir VII himself denies that, so it's been suggested that it's the other way around - all Russian women actually originate from Estonia.If there is one thing that all Estonians agree on is that all foreign maps and entries about Estonia in tourist guides, including Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and The ultimate guide to going somewhere, are plain wrong.
Estonia consists of 35 states, 3 asteroids, 14 gas stations, about 15,000 toilets and 2 parallel dimensions. There is a border struggle with Fiji concerning the dimensions at the moment. The Population of Estonia is between 8 and 9 humans, 1.1 million Estonians and 300000 Russians (of which around 7 don't have a criminal record), that is why it is also called the "Most Crowded Country in the World". Beside humans (and Russians), there is also a huge amount of chickens, pigs, wild gorillas (about 5.9 billion) and Chikenogorillas.
Estonia has only 3 islands: Pepsi Island, Cola Island and Fanta Island (plus soon to be Sprite Island). Two of them are inhabited by Jews and there is no living nature in Fanta. The Jews have been ruling the Pepsi Island and the Cola Island for 93 years now. Also the American islands and the Australian island are Estonian colonies where live several low-tech gangs (the locals).
The deepest lake of Estonia (AbjaPaluoja Mud lake) is also the deepest (depth of 1 quarter inch in the deepest point) lake of the Earth and also the rest of the world except India (as nobody really cares what Indians do in India).
Longest river of Estonia is Greenwich meridian, which is 900 million miles and 2 inches long.
There are a number of organisations providing aliens access to the Internet:
- Runescape.com- actually owned by estonians, its undercover. Everyone plays it...
- Starman - run by Martians as a test project. What is it testing and whether the company is really located in Estonia or in Megatexas instead we do not know. The name 'starman' also refers to aliens coming from other stars.
- Elion - sponsored by the Grand Master of the Aliens, Lennart Meri and run by a bunch of former KGB agents as the sister project to Big Brother. A very dangerous company that keeps people in suspense. The wonderful web page Hot.ee belongs to Elion. The technical assistance they provide with a price of about 10,000 EEC per hour is very advanced with its 'restart your ADSL modem and pray' assistance.
- STV (short for Sex Television) - not much is known about this organisation. There are rumours that it's led by Dr. Evil, but currently there is no conclusive evidence to support this theory. You may see only pr0n from there, young and very old included.
- Uninet - according to Estonia's most respected newspaper Nelli Teataja it's a social project created by ETV so they'd have a place where to ship script editors of Soft'n'Furry (a secret show on secret TV for secret services) when they start philosophisizing about the truth.
- EENet - this organisation only provides an Internet service for "educational purposes", which means that some Estonians are lucky enough to download porn at 1 Gbps.
- EWN (short for Elion Wrackers Network) - Located in Haapsalu, operated by Norby Telecom who is planing to kill Elion.
- toru.hot.ee (or as translated from pidgin one-very-hot-pipe) - is main place for l33t warez junkies to trade some pr0n. The biggest pirate FTP server toru.hot.ee is maintained by the biggest ISP, Elion and has a 1 Gbit pipe. Everything there is put there by Microsoft. Thanks, Elion ;)
- MoonNetworks - the best ISP in Northern-Estonia. Group of Russians attacked Elion and stole their Internet cable. Great connections and great administrators. Superior Estonian language support.
- Ilmatsalu Highway Cable - the best ISP in Southern-Estonia. Group of Ilmatsalu gang members attacked Starman and stole their Internet cable. Great connection and even greater administrators. Available download speed tops out at 3 bps.
In Estonia, there are:
- 2 000 000 cars (mostly '81 Toyota Corollas, '79 Datsuns and '71 Ladas.),
- 1 500 000 cell phones,
- 1 000 000 PCs (usually with quad-processor systems based on 80386 or 80486 CPU-s) and 9 Macs,
- 500 999 freezers,
- 200 000 animals (cats, dogs and sheep),
- 350 banks or credit institutions,
- 15 state organizations, and
- about 3 and a half public schools
...connected to the Internet.
Rape.ee is a strange, disturbing phenomenon, it lies on the very edge of the Great Big Internet and lures teens with lots of zits and stupid hair near it, and then swallows them whole. People who have ever come near it and lived to tell the tale, said that they heard screams of young innocent souls yelling out: "Rape my picture! Rape MY picture or I shall put a curse on thee!! yarrrrrrrrr... ICE CREAM!"
This monster is lead by a demonic soul called Andrei, the curse that the Russian Czar Vlad VII(7) put on Estonia. There is only one single way to stop this monstrosity, yea, only one way to save those socially disturbed souls from the church of vanity, the answer lies in "The Farm" (also known as Eesti Nokia). The last few, bold and ugly Anti-rape.ee guerillas are splitted into two organizations called Rape-me-not and Unrape-me-twice.
However, ordinary rape.ee'ers don't understand the point of this attempt and just scream, 'Mingi v2rdjaz oled w22????????????? Vack kyll, mine octa elu omale-ää!!!!111!!11!!one!1!!! muhhahhaaa :DDDDD icicccc!!!!!1!!' - untranslatable language called Muhahaaish (closely related to 1337-sp34k).
Every single Estonian has a cell phone, younger people usually have two or three and also a laptop computer. This is demanded by a law passed in 1992 by the Riigikogu. There is widespread resentment against this law among the people, who see it as a revenge action by Lennart Meri who couldn't run for president for the 3rd time. Bill Gates himself has more then twenty different phone numbers and he's constantly talking using at least three or four of them. Sometimes you must wait while. His dog called Mathias Rust has 5 mobile phones and 3 fix numbers (doghouse, seaport and sauna). It is easier call to Mathias and say hime - let Bill take phone.
The cellular market has been dominated by Tele2 (ex Q-GSM) as long as anyone can remember. TELE2 is using buses for transporting people to the net area. It is possible to use TELE2 cellular phones in Tartu, Tallinn and Elva. If TELE2 client's phone rings, it means your location is in cities mentoined before. Every TELE2 client asks from the caller - how did you know I'm here??? The telecom operator is EMT (Estonian Mobile Telephone), who has a hard time providing sufficient service and thats why all EMT's clients are suffering under lack of service constantly.
And then there is the Russian capital based Elisa, that sells mobile phones with long cords (not more then 10 km) for maximum service. The Elisa in Estonia is basically braindead. No profit has ever been made and the only mobile which has ever left the factory was eventually stolen by Elisa's Chief of Staff.
In Ilmatsalu, there is no service area for talking with cell phones. If you are going there, then please tell someone, you have been visiting this place. Ilmatsalu city has the biggest crime rate in Estonia. Please, do not visit this place! Visit Haage instead.
POP (from EMT) has also been considered legendary, although there is no legend about it. The POP chips are made with extreme accuracy (using hammers and cables) to flood the market with POP's. The people, who have bought and used POP, say that they have been constantly been in touch with alien reptiles. Although you can't use your cell phone with POP, it is still cool as additional stickers, headbands and other cheap stuff from China are given to you in addition. The POP advertisement staff is also known for their keenness on aliens and lawn-hobbits.
Dill, Zorro, Presidendi Pilsner and etc. are registred trademarks of EMT.
Estonia has a secret GSM operator called Kaubamaja-vork GSM2. Information is confidencial.
New company is VMT (Vormsi Mobile Company) As Vormsi is island between Hiiumaa (Island name translation: giant land) and main land, they do not have electric power. VMT decided to residence on ferrys. There is mobile station on ferry and when it comes near to Vormsi, then Leenu (female Vormsian) sings very loud "levi tuli alleeaa!" and every Vormsian comes with phone. At first pilot project was: calling between Vormsians and ferry travellers, it was very successful. Only the problem was that Hiiumaa poeple do not understand Vormsians. Vormsians are from Sweden. Now Vormsians even waiting for ferry to talk each with other.
Estonians rejoice the functionality of their only email service provider, Hot.ee. Note that by every email you send using Hot.ee, you will donate 3 peanut shells to Russia as human aid. That campaign was made because the EU wanted money for 1,000,000,000 extra peanut shells.
The so called "cream" people (who have loads of money - they sometimes even use it to light a fire in their fireplaces) use number 2 trolley to find their mansions in Mustamäe. If you really want to see how rich Estonians are, use that # 2!!!!
Also they have Secret TV3, run under alien control.
Estonian weather is the most interesting thing in the world - no one ever can know the way it will change in the next moment, even Estonians themselves.
Once upon a time there was some guy called Tarapita, who claimed to be a Jedi and most likely also a demi-god. He had four sons: Kalev, Sulev, Olev, and Dimitri. When Tarapita died it turned out he'd lost all his fortune playing cards in Las Vegas (it is more likely that he just spent it on booze and hookers, but that subject is still open for debate). Thus the land was confiscated by powers that be and the 4 guys had to create a new home for themselves. They decided to choose the future king by throwing rocks. Sulev, the oldest, threw the rock far, far into some unnamed lake. Dimitri threw even further. Kalev, the youngest and the stupidest but also the strongest threw the farthest and thus won. Kalev had a son whose translated name is Kalevson. Kalevson likes Finnish girls very much and often walks to Finland to have some fun.
Without much thought he went and sat down in the nearest swamp and declared this spot to be the Kingdom of Estonia It was in the swamp he met Estonia`s national-animal-to-be - the hedgehog - who gave him advice in the matters of importing timber from Tiblastan and exporting it to the European Union.
There are no surviving records as to what Olev was doing at the time. Some say he was sleeping after playing hold-em poker the whole night, others claim he was starting the trend which was destined to become the first and most honoured Estonian tradition - being in the wrong place at the right time.
But Dimitri went to east and settled a new colonisation for Estonia. It is known now as Russia. Russia means- ruttu siia! In English- Come hurry! That's why in 1940 Estonia conquered Soviet Union and occupied in until for fifty years.
See also this web page about Estonian kings.
Wars with Latvia
The Saldejums Wars with Latvia are the most important events in the recent history of Estonia. Recently, gossips have been spread that there is still a part of Latvian territory which is under the control of the "wild Estonian tribes". However, as no witnesses (above all, the saldejumses themselves) have survived, it is difficult to find any definitive information about these events.
The Kilusõda (Sprat war) is a recurrent war between Estonia and Latvija. It starts when 2 guys want to split one sprat. Sprat breaks badly and war is started. It is usually a war on the sea and the participants pretend, as an example, that there are 600 000 marines, 320 different types of ships, 30 aircraft-carriers, 50 000 planes, 570 helicopters and 25 bloodhounds from each side involved, not including the russian spys who participate on 5 tanks. Those tanks are still lost, but Estonian Black Archaeologist Ville is looking for them.
The king of Estonia is Edgar Savisaar (a.k.a Savipäts, ninasarvik, Savi, Rico Suave, Sarvik (the Devil)). At least this is how he thinks himself, as he is followed by cult called K-eks-erakond. It's also a good tradition to distrust any administration and hold elections more frequently than the official required interval. As of October, 2005, Savisaar was officially appointed the national hero of Estonia under the name of Kohuke The Great.
That is why all the senior citizens rebel against the law. Several collisions between Government Anti Yippie (G.A.Y) and Estonian Liberation Forces (E.L.F) have taken place near the Kings highly defended castle. But there are no records of civilian causalities.
The current Prime Minister, Andrus Unzip, is under mental control of an alleged "cat" who is actually a russian KGB-agent in a cat suit. His name is Yuri Prime(evolved in mental manipulation and mind control overall). His cover name is Miizu.
Under the influence of Miizu, Andrus Unzip carried out many evil deeds of which the local folk are unaware, and is aligned with the plan of Estonian annihilation master-minded by Russia and Putin. Some claim that Andrus Unzip's real name is Jedi-master Windu, who uses the Stenbock's House dungeons and cellars to keep the enemies of the Empire in Ilmatsalu Funhouse.
Other Government Officials
- The vice president of Estonia is Homer Simpson, well known for his ambitions to bring about world peace.
Because the politically correct and judicially correct (JOK) government was formed already a long time ago, and the political landscape is also already correct, the elections are largely obsolete. Who wants, may write one's vote on one's Facebook page or any other place in the Internet, or wherever else, if someone else had not already written it somewhere. One can also vote whenever or wherever one wants, because no one reads the votes anyway. Estonia is the first country in the world that introduced such voting, also called Internet voting, and this is considered to be the most democratic form of voting in the world, because of the convenience and many forms of voting every voter can choose from.
More political movements in Estonia:
- Prussakov Bicycle Union (left wing radicals / biker terrorists)
- Nõmme Raadio (ultra right wing moderate terrorists armed with FM frequency beams)
- Rullnokad (ass-wipes, who are speeding with their 15 year old cars. They are the biggest risk group in Estonia)
- Keskerakond (the biggest gang in Estonia)
- ETA (Estonian Terrorists Association, secret propaganda agency, banned and now underground)
- SQUAD - Former KGB agents who have joined forces to keep high Pelõi Aist wholesale numbers.
- Res Publica (The best "r" saying and neck-bending gang, also called Bez Rublika, on the Hill of the Great Eggs)
Security and Privacy
For greater privacy and security, everyone has an ID card permanently glued to their skin. The card has a number on it, which can be read electronically or mechanically or visually, and saying that number is enough for any payment or transaction. Estonia was the first country in the world to introduce such kind of ID card, this is because the project was financed by an American farming company in order to test its new technology for marking the cattle.
PoliceEstonia is known for its safe streets and lanes. To further worsen the situation, Estonia's government has unofficially hired some gorillas, to hunt down unsuspecting civilians and drunk Finnish tourists. These gorillas are known as F.A.L.C.K. - Finnish Agents & Libyan Cat Killers. They have efficiently evolved with the situation in Estonia and are known as the second threat to society (the Parliament wins the most-dangerous-adversary award.
Many Estonians have heard about a new threat to the Empire - a secret project a.k.a The Naabrivalve (the same as Big Brother). Already, hundreds of civilians have been involved in this soon-to-be-big project. The people involved (also known as the NV-s) become very weird, they want to attack everyone and in most of the cases they want to mate with everything that moves (sometimes even with things that don't move!). So you'd better watch your back when you happen to see a "Naabrivalve" sign on a house.
You can easily recognise the participants of The Naabrivalve by staring them in the eye. If they attack you, rip you into pieces and afterwards feed your body parts to their dogs, then you've found them. The NV-s are most vicious at night, at that time they can even attack their relatives who have come to lurk behind their door, (maybe just come to visit,) so watch out by all means! And also thousands of mail deliverers have been killed due to this aggressive overwhelming project. They show no mercy.
Other important tweaks in the Estonian Security System. The policemen (in Estonia known as the mendid, a word unsurprisingly and shamelessly abducted from Russian ["ment"]) are trained very carefully under the surveillance of extreme professionals. No food is given to them during the training period (which is only 20 years) and the mendid are only allowed to drink contaminated water. They also have to cope some extreme conditions such as 200 degree heat (on sundays) and cold 100 degree below zero (on mondays). During the other weekdays they spend some quality time in Sahara desert and learn some useful skills to fight crime in Estonia. All in all the mendid are physically very tough and mentally as well. Sometimes they seem to be a bit stupid but they only pretend that. Unfortunately the mendid are not good enough to keep crime out of Estonia. Maybe it is because of the little food they are allowed to eat but maybe it's just that the criminals have better preparations.
The mendid usually use wrenches to fight criminals. But sometimes they are even allowed to use metal sticks.
The mendid are appointed to "take care of the order", and are therefore not interested in disorder.
Eesti Kaitse Vagu. 8k of people 2 fast jets AN-2. Estonian military was founded and is sponsored by the Great King George II. of the United States of Whatever. Many attempts to privatize the forces to local venture capitalists LHV have failed due to misunderstandings between the Strong Estonian Unions and LHV and the fact that Master Lõhmus of the LHV is not willing to take over costs for providing socks instead of the usual foot sheats.
The KKP (KeskKriminaal Politsei) is a central criminal police of Estonia. Is located in Kihnu island. Also contains a prison.
The KAPO is the estonia's backbone of security. It can be compared to FBI, KGB, Gestapo etc. KAPO's history began in 1995, when five expelled students made a terrorist organization, which they named after their leader KAUPO the Great. The original KAUPO existed only for 5 days because the leader Kaupo was arrested for stealing milk from a civilian cow. Then a number of backfalls came: after 7 days their HQ was invaded by seals and they moved to one of the member's dog's kennel. Secondly one of KAUPO's members got preagnent and was taken away (to the morgue). The 3rd event was most devastating: KAUPO went bankrupt and could not supply the HQ with enough cigars (12 packs per hour) and so the KAUPO was torn apart. 2 years later a religious group became the team with one difference: they named their group KAPO (because GOD doesn't know letter "U"). They carried on the traditions of the original KAUPO (throwing dogs with stones, skinning birds etc.) until they all came to an end in a streetfight. Today we know KAPO as the main reason for hunger, high rate of syphilis, war with Latvia and the "unexplained" disappareance of the ex Prime Minister's cat. The KAPO, which is controlled by Russians (54,2%), jedis (23,3%), American Businessmen (20,1%) and the National Library (2,4%), is the most substantial force in the battle against the Empire and the Federation. Althogh no one actually works there and the HQ is burnt down (by Rullnoxid), Estonia's politicians, people, finance, people's privacy and pizza bars are kept under control by this Big Brother. KAPO's (KAitsePOlitsei) main partner is TÜrgi RAtsapolitsei.
Green Men Killas (ESTPLA-11)
The widely-known-in-media Top Secret high-tech protection unit keeps eternal peace in Baghdad, Beijing and occasionally on Mars. Their advanced WaterPistol-X666 weapon keeps peace everywhere, George Bush's backyard included.
Estonia's unit of currency
is was the Estonian Cocoon, which is freely convertible with live chickens and other Estonian Cocoons at the rate of to 1. This unusual monetary policy has led to centuries of rampant confusion and massive spurts of hyper-inflation, followed by periodic bouts of hyper-deflation, and occasionally both inflation and deflation at the same time, with the fates of billions of live chickens and chikenogorillas hanging in the balance.
Estonia has abandoned it's precious cocoon in 2011, to a more worthless €uro. It was well received by our glorious prime minister Andurs Unzip and the other 0.0001% of Estonians. Ah well, you can't have everything.
The highest Estonian bank is situated in Ontika. It is 500 feet high. The other famous banks are Panga pank (bank of Bank) in Saaremaa (250 feet), and Soap bank in Tallinn (more than 80 m, but this one is artificial).Estonias lowest bank is located 30,000 leagues under the sea whick is 90,000 miles in the unpronouncable lake
In Estonia, death by hanging, is an award for good work. Many want to get that award, but a few can. Because for every 1000 gallows made, only one has a quality high enough to be used for hanging. Also the ropes are mostly stolen before the hanging. So people bring their own ropes, but often the ropes have found to have a wrong shape, and are confiscated.
Dependence on Finland
The Estonian economy is fully dependent on Finnish alcohol tourists. In Tallinn, the Finnish also liven up the prostitution, which, however, is dependent of Russian women (however, see above, by all accounts Russian women seem to have an Estonian origin in the first place).
The facts above are though so boringly accurate that they should rather be moved to Wikipedia.
Some time ago Estonians used to export electricity as well but when they managed to blow up the entire city of Saint- Petersburg they agreed that it's not the best idea. Unfortunately it was already too late. Used toilet paper used to be exported to Latvia, but with the constant decline of population due to alcoholism and the official no-sex policy, this cannot probably last for long.
Big market is exporting Danish flags. People from Denmark love this flag very much.
Because of the problem of finding anyone who whould like to buy the Estonian food products, now a sign is added to all food products to confirm that they are good. The sign on the estonian food products consists of the text "Eesti siga" ("Estonian pig") and a picture of a pig. Because the estonians consider that pig is the best symbol for food, and it is also a national symbol.
Polar bears live in Estonia.
Estonia is very well known for its effort to put a man Juku Kakarind near the moon using a self-propelled rubbish bin. His famous phrase "Smell ya later" is engraved on every bin since. Since visibility is near zero throughout the year, which is caused by deodorants, there's absolutely nothing to see in Tartu. Currently, the scientists are investigating the reasons behind the fact that there are some people in Estonia who truly believe that Tartu is nothing but a myth and it exists only in imagination.
Controversially, there are some people that religiously believe that Tartu is THE place to be and live. Another point that deserves closer scientific investigation is strange phenomena of changing people. Otherwise normal people, after moving to Tartu, will very soon change radically: their eyesight goes foggy, clothes strange, they forget to talk the way it makes sense, this usage of beer, wine and some other bad chemicals will dramatically increase. They blame the Spirit of Tartu themselves, but that may be also fake, as the whole village of Tartu. One thing about Tartu is real though - the Statoil gas station right in the centre of it.
Elsewhere in the country people throwing their trash in the woods to celebrate Kakarind first, second and thirds flight and recently situation became desperate as people can't see any more the trees behind piles of rubbish suit.
Unlike it done in some civilised countries government refuses to pay for refuse collection and using special refuse dispersion birds - called "Suitsupääsuke", the Pubes' Smoking Swallows in English. Its numbers are going down in other countries, as the new laws prohibiting smoking pubes in public are destroying its habitat. Estonia is the last country on Earth to offer a refuge to this wonderfully unhealthy species.
Pubes' Smoking Swallow is a national bird of the republic of Estonia. The bird got it's name from fast changing climate in Estonia. Summer comes so fast that the gentle bird is not used to such heat and literally burns its pubes in the sky with thick smoke. Every summer all the birds are replaced with new ones, specially bred in the laboratories of Tallinn Zoo under the surveillance of , most famous Estonian surgeon who as a first man in earth added with complicated surgery successfully monkeys ass under his right armpit, "just for fart" as he commented it himself sniffing finger.
The most famous tobacco brand is "Leek", translated "the Pubes on Fire". It reminds them of their fore-fathers burning in the sky.
They meditate and chant: "Higher, higher pubs on fire!"
According to natural scientist in the BBC, Estonian forests deem with fruit bats. They visit the local supermarkets of which there are, gratefully, an abundance, to purchase tropical fruits, which have become extinct in Estonia due to climate change.
The music in Estonia is fantastic(who don't know Mute and Volume). Many countries envy Estonia's great taste in music. Though Estonia doesn't make any music itself, music is widely available from the Internet, almost legally. Men's singing is also astoundingly spectacular here, evidenced by most Estonian male singers' preoccupation with making their voices sound rough and ragged, a practice that normal singers have trouble imitating without coughing spastically.
Arnold Oksmaa is the best known Estonian singer. For the greater good to all humankind and other nations and countries on the earth - he is totally bisexual. He was released from the Estonian Imperial Mental Institution, where he was cured of the life-threatening disease "Thinking of Itsself as Ordinary Unworthy Straight Citizen Syndrome" successfully.
A well-known very-heavy-metal band Vanilla-Godzilla-Ninja was estimated in the beginning of 21st century near the club kung-fu just around the corner. Today it's a fact that this band is almost the father of metal.
Estonia's second most popular entertainment is standing or sitting by big shops, supermarkets or malls and offending any passing furries. Usually the participants are smoking cigarettes and/or drinking alcohol, usually cheap beer. Sometimes they get beaten away by security guards and/or the police.
Estonia is also known for it's extreme luck in the Eurovision Song Contest. Estonia has produced a great mass of singers, artists, drummers etc, who have all eventually failed. Though Eurovision is just a contest, many casualties have been among the singers, due to the aggressiveness from the Eurovision's Fanclub's Fanclub (see above "Cults")
There's a new astonishing entertainment figure in Tallinn. 19 year old bisexual Vicky who is gaining publicity by singing, amusing pretty girls and performing delightful shows of her dancing skills and beautiful body parts. Already she has appeared in such popular daily newspaper like SopaLehtÕhtuleht and internet news service Delfi. A new rising star, who predictably has a glorious future.
A male has to grab his competitor's wife, toss her on his shoulder and run like hell from the whole competitive tribe. The verb derived hence is "to score". Best Estonian athletes score all the time, even outside competition.
Most famous Estonian wife carrier is Eerik from Ilmatsalu. He has been unbeatable for 5 years with his wife Helena, who is not lightsome. Last summer she weighed about 195 kg (that's about 300 pounds). That's a pretty awesome result, because other wives are in weight below the 60 kg bound.
Estonian Association of Ginger Orphans (EAGO) is proud to say that the 1st official Estonian Russian Roulette Championship will be held in a little Estonian city called Kapa-Kohila on Smarch 27th, 1812. The Games will be held in 3 categories train vs car, train vs truck, and train vs bus.
A competition more popular in the summer, reaching its peak in Jaanipäev St. John's Day (National Orgy Day), a special day set aside by the national government for committing suicides, preferably in SUVs, but also other vehicles (it is also a sport, where people try to drive over as many street signs as possible), as well as by plunging into water when drunk, jumping into fires that are helpfully lit all over the country on the eve of St. John's day, and other means. Most often by drinking oneself to death. As this last feat is not easy (most Estonians are used to drinking beer since they were born and have grown a tolerance), those who fail wake up in hospital after a few weeks.
In fact, suicide has become a national sport in itself, but Estonia faces considerable competition from, as tends to be the case, its nearest neighbours and closest relatives.
There are lot of competitions in beer drinking. Most popular and well-known competition is in the Ilmatsalu called "Beat Eerik in beer drinking". It's annual event and every year it has about 20 rullnoks competing to the first place. Who obtains it, gets 50,000 EEC and great fame. That's not all, you are blessed by the Ilmatsalu mayor. Lately, government has banned the sale of alcohol on some more important holidays. This encourages people to try illegal methyl alcohol, which is known for its faster effect, as it kills much swifter.
Kiiking, also known as an over-exaggerated version of swinging, was invented in the early 1990`s. Legend says that some fellows who are constantly doing lifting sports started this national mania, when one of the sportsmen wanted to have a nice morning shit. By accident he didn't end up in a toilet, but on a huge swing. Then the national hero tried to sit down, but each time he bent his legs, the swing ruined his balance and he had to stand up. After half an hour of moving up'n'down Kiiking was born. Although the inventor of the sports got his pants all brown, the people of Estonia are thankful - finally they have something to do when they're drunk.
As it is impossible to have sex or anything close to it after having drank 2 Gallons of vodka (after every 4 hours), there are no known cases and certaintly no spotted cases of sex in Estonia. Estonians multiply by binary fission. It is every Estonian's duty to reproduce at least a cluster or two of little Estonians, in order to fulfill their "iive".
Another reason for Estonians' frigidity in bed is the horrendous unfixed Estonian road surfaces (well if the evil Communists build them they should bloody well fix them too). The vibrations caused through contact between the tyres of the Toyota Corolla and the gaping chasms in the so called road travel all the way to the seats, providing the driver and the passengers with multiple tantric orgasms (as Sting found out after having an 8 hour auto tour of Estonia). By the time they get home they are literally so shagged out the thought of any sort of intimate closeness makes them violently puke.
There are no officially known cases of masturbation in The Allmighty Estonia (except Juhan Parts, see chapter on Prostitution) according to the Estonian Imperial Illegal Mastrubation Detection Task Force because in Estonia, sex is free.
This curious sport is one among the numerous things that are called Eesti Nokia. Trikking is lifestyle. It has been nominated for Estonian Nokia of The Day for at least twice during the past few years. Check it out from www.trikk.com . In Ilmatsalu any business starts with buying free tickets to the bus from Kesklinn to Ihaste. Then, free as a bird, you can walk or fly (depending on your mood) back from Ihaste to Kesklinn and start it over again. If you going to Narva,then you probally get HIV. So keep your pants on.
Estonian basketball players ratings are very low and therefore there are no crowd at all watching matches between estonian clubs. Mostly the courts are in very bad condition, the ceilings are leaking in the rain, putrefactive wood on the floor is so soft, that players actually fall into these trap-holes. The court floor reminds the roads of Estonia (very bumpy). Most of kids and newer generation plays basketball outside, the inside conditions are very bad. It's all okay that they play outside, but someone have made them a brainwash and now they are only thinking about AND1 and how to trick the opponent best. They don't bother their brain about how to score and how to do a teamwork. That's not cool for them and they make some very silly movements and often they do traveling fault.
Often mistaken for Live Action Role-Play, it is actually a cult. Most of its members are schoolboys ages 8 and up. What they do is that they spend all their free time making latex swords, maces, axes and other medival weaponry along with plastic chain mail. Then after years of hard work they isolate themselves from the rest of the world(usually by going to the woods), arm themselves with their latex weaponry and put on their plastic chain mail(there are also these so-called "mages" who put on long robes(not unlike bathrobes) and pointy hats, instead of latex weapons, they prefer small bags full of beans), what ensues is an epic "battle" of latex against latex and bean bags against plastic. In the end, when all their latex weapons are broken and/or lost, there is usually a big orgy involving a wide variety of different fetishes(what can I say, they ARE lonely people). After about a day or two they sober up and get back to their lonely, boring lives, only to come back the next year and bring bigger latex weapons. In some contries it is also known as sado-masohism, but here it is just role-playing.
Note that Estonian LARP differes from the international non-violent (and unfortunately orgyless) LARP.
Estonians have three national holidays: Õllesummer (Summer of Beer) and two Halloweens: Mardipäev (Marting day) and Kadripäev (Carting day). There also used to be a holiday called Rock Summer, but that holiday went bankrupt when the National Tax Board looked into it.
Estonians also celebrate summer solstice, known in Estonia as Jaanipäevsex (Sex with John Smith Day). Occasionally referred to as the National Orgy Day, this is an ancient custom. They all take their sledges and swim to Suur-Munamägi a.k.a Great Balls Hill island (when sea is no frozen). According to the old superstition - the one who swims farthest will get laid but there is no record whatsoever of this having actually happened. Survivors drink hot pea soup with whipped cream.
Due to the fact that Estonians are too lazy to learn, they are the smartest people in the World and some cases in the Universe. Teachers are paid 6000 EEC (385 €)a month, pupils learn in comfortable leather lounges and watch Woody Woodpecker on TV. There are special schools for hairy-guys aka furies aka yarnies(they listen rock music like Eminem) and rapper guys (they listen Hip Hop like Twinkle Twinkle little star).
If students have learned 65 or more years in school (it's called life-long learning there), they can go to university in Tartu, Abja-Paluoja or Ilmatsalu. There they can learn IT or cleaning toilets. Also every Estonian has to be in the French Foreign Legion for five years (in Sahara desert).
Due to population growth within past few years (see Prostitution), Estonian schools are filled with young students. As there are already too many kids and the Ethnic Cleaning (see Mein Kampf) isn't showing progress, the government had to take up serious methods.
For example from now on new students will be included in schools using a very proven and scientific method - lottery. As the politicians say, it would ensure the gypsy integration would stop. Secondly, the government has banned all exams and students automatically get diplomas from a variety of universities, Due to this, Estonia's education's rate has gone up 99.9% and is already paying itself off by a large rate of unemployment. This, as the government says, would only endure a large emigration to Abhasia (see Estonia's neighbours) where Estonians will be slaved and used as a labour force. On school holidays children drink vodka and chill/hang in Viru Keskus and Tammekas. (Tammekas = A.H. Tammsaare's park, Tammsaare is a millionaire who owns 74% of Tallinn)
Universities in Estonia have become famous for their research on whiskers.
Most of the Estoninans are constantly stoned because weed (Cannabis Sativa) is the most wide-spreaded plant in Estonia. It is grown absolutely everywhere in Estonia. In Estonia, people smoke atleast 1/4 ounce (~7 grams) weed per day and if not, they are punished by the local government. People who have obeyed this law by the time they retire get twice as much pension (lots of money & weed) as the others. People who don't smoke weed constantly (e.g. due to a lung-disease) are given a massive dose of LSD (perhaps 500-750 milligrams) every Monday. Some psychedelic mushrooms (which contain psilocybin) are used daily by teachers and professors. From time to time (twice every month) various drugs are spilled over Estonia by NATO airplanes which cause massive street-raves. Most of the world's drugs come from Estonia.
|Crappy Estonian Crap|
|Estonia||Geography, Communication, Tallinn 2020 Summer Olympics Bid|
|Misc.||Stoneball, Rock and Roll (food)|
|Politics||Edgar's Prayer, Edgar Savisaar|
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
|Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics|
|Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova ~ Mordova ~ Azerbaijan ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Soviet Britain|