Estonia

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Revision as of 02:57, August 24, 2005

Estonia, commonly misspelled as Stonia, e-Stonia, Elbonia, Estoina, Iceland, I'm stoned or Australia, is the most important country in South-East-Western Afrasia, being recognized by those with brains as the world's number one superpower because of its enormous army and cultural influence in the world, its colony Bolanga, and, last and definitely the least, because of its infamous shashlyk (also known as Eesti Nokia). Notice that while the present article may contain some typographical errors, the yet-to-be-written article called The Truth about Estonia is completely wrong and presents a misleadingly hyper-superlative picture of the country. Estonians mostly are without brains, but there are somu who could by it at Elion( sounds like something very bad=.

Official language Talaponian , Russian dialect
Capital (administrative) Narva
Capital (prostitutive) Geila
Ethnic groups White Estonians, black russians
King Edgar Savisaar
King's advisor Mart Laar
Vice President Anu Saagim and/or Homer Simpson, assuming they're not one and the same
Currency Estonian Cocoon (EEC)
National anthem Wipe your feet on the way in (similar to France or something like that)


Slogan

Welcome to estonia

This logo (also called "Estonian Nokia") was made by the best Estonian designer (some liars say he's the only one but that's not completely true). It is heard to have cost more than 19,000,000 EEC. It reads: "Come on to Estonia, you must not!". The slogan also demonstrates that the word "Estonia" consists of two different words: "Est" and "Onia". Est means East and Onia=Onion, so Estonia should actually be called The Eastern Onion Country as Onion is, for Estonians, the synonym of vegetable.

Yes, the logo is freaky, but that's what makes it cool, or at least the above-mentioned designer thought so. Other people just think he was either way too high or way too crazy about Yoda, the Store Wars author. The slogan is often mistaken for Estonian flag. In fact, Estonia has no flag because nobody has an idea where to take another 19,000,000 EEC from.


Language

Estonian language is the weirdest in the world. Most words have 4 vowels in a row, and at least one Ümläüẗ like "jäääär", "töööö", or "kuuuurïja". Some words can mean almost everything. For example, "tee" means (1) a road, (2) tea, and (3) do! (imperative mode). "Kurk" means (1) cucumber, (2) throat, and (3) the Devil. So when an estonian says:"Mu kurk valutab", you may think: "What the f..., your cucumber hurts?!"

All in all: the two main issues in Estonian language: no gender (he=she) and no future form, in other words NO SEX, NO FUTURE!!!

One of the things foreigners will notice about Estonian language is that Estonians are constantly talking about sex. Terviseks (a common toast which is sometimes translated as "for health" but which actually means "let's do it, you know what I mean"), Varastamiseks (to steal while having sex), Põletamiseks (to burn while having sex), Seksimiseks (to have sex while having sex) are just a few of the verbs that can be ended with the suffix "seks". This makes Estonians reluctant to engage in any sexual activities, sociologists speculate.

In Estonia, there are lots of dialects. Mostly know dialect is 'Ilmatsalu Murre'. They like to say 'Ära jõrise mees' (Don't maunder with me) and 'Määnselt laheda kiirendusega BMW, millel olid säänselt suured rattad' (With bad-ass acceleration BMW, what have very HUGE wheels). If you hear someone saying this type of sentences, then better avoid this people. They may harm you!

Contrary to their claims, most Estonians cannot really speak or write English correctly. This page is a bona fide example of English words written using good ol' Estonian grammar, also known as the phrase "fluent in English" in every Estonian CV.


Origins of Estonian

The story may or may not be copyrighted but it does have an author (although almost everyone here receives at least one copy a year by e-mail). See here. It's someone called Douglas Wells.

The real story behind why Estonian is the way it is. A long time ago, about 100 or 9100 AD, three Estonian guys were sitting around the campfire. Their names were Billy, Ray and Duke. They were bored.
Billy spoke first. "Ya know Ray, what we need is a new language".

"Damn right!" said Ray, "Talkin' this way is gettin' boring and besides, everybody almost understands us. We need a language that's soo crazy, soo complicated that nobody will ever understand what's going on!".

As the idea picked up steam, Duke piped up. "Lets do it this way, that you can't say he or she. That way you won't know if you're talkin' about a man or woman. Also, we gotta think up names for people that give no clue to foreigners about their gender, names that change with the grammar so you never know what to call somebody!"

Ray nodded in approval. "Yeah," he said thoughtfully, "that's it. Then we can eliminate the future tense. Think of trying to ask someone out on date when you can't say the right name, whether it's a boy or girl or when it is going to happen!"

Billy, the smart one, was thinking in more technical terms already. "OK, let's make it this way, that when you learn a noun, you don't have to learn just one word but 14. Yeah and instead of just saying that you are going to or from something, you have to change the noun in some weird way." Now Ray was excited and spilled his beer. "Yeah! And ... the nouns can't change the same way, let's make like, a hundred different spelling groups that all change in different ways!"

This appealed to Duke who added slyly, "Ya wanna make it real hard, a real nut-buster? Let's make it so all adjectives change, too. In boring old English, you say 'five small, red houses', 'small, red houses' and 'many small, red houses'. Small and red always stay the same but in our new language? Whoaaaa Nellie!"

Then they started practising how to say 'Oh, you're learning Estonian' without busting up laughing.

Culture

Myths and legends

All Estonians worship a pagan God called Tarapita, also called Taara (the same as empty beer bottles are called). Tarapita was born in the North-Eastern part of the Estonian mainland, in a holy grove on a hill, from where he flew to the A-Great-Egg-Hill-Island (see map), making a crash landing and leaving a huge crater in the ground, now filled with water and called Kaali järv (lake Kaali) - and this is no joke, folks! This God is famous for his fertility (see above under History) and scaring the shit out of the Christian God in the II Crusade by using his Lightning Strike combined with Poison Nova (lvl 65). Nowadays Estonians celebrate Taara by dancin' 'round da garbage on June 24 (John Smith's day).

Another famous mythological figure is Kalevipoeg from the only book written entirely in Estonian. Estonians are very proud of that book, and everyone who has read it can use public transport (which means the two-and-a-half tram lines in Tallinn) for free. It is a free translation of Joyce's Ulysses, yet some fantasy realms have been added by the Baltic-German doctor F.R.Kreutzwald. In this book you can find porn (a Swedish girl raped on an island), violent killing (stealing swords from Finland), smuggling (carrying wood over the lake of Peipsi) and limb fetish (some guy's hands and legs are cut off in the end). As Kalevipoeg didn't sell good in first years, pictures of naked people were added. By the way, Kalevipoeg is an excellent example of an average Estonian man. Nowadays it is the most popular book after Edgar Savisaar's „Peaminister. Eesti lähiajalugu 1990–1992“, which has less naked people inside, but was written by an aviosexual frog of Pakistani origin. The latter book is commonly used at making buildings when short of bricks due to its enormous weight (more than 10 kilogrammes each) and its durability on extreme conditions. It is also worth mentioning that the whole Estonian family system is based on "Kalevipoeg". Namely, the main hero's name, "Kalevipoeg", translates as "Kalev's son". Kalevipoeg had three brothers: Sulevipoeg (Sulev's son), Olevipoeg (Olaf's son), Klaveripoeg (Piano's son, also known as Reinhold Rannap), and O'Boeg (O's Zon, told to have been conceived during an oral intercourse). It is common even nowadays that mothers name their sons after their respective fathers. If the father's name is not known, the son is given the name "Edgaripoeg" (Edgar's son). Edgar is a metasyntactic variable that is widely used among the Estonian Perl programmers.

Cuisine

The traditional Estonian cuisine consist of foods that have gone off or are just plain rotten. For example rotten cabbage (hapukapsas), rotten cucumbers (hapukurk), old sour porridge (kaerakile), milk gone off (hapupiim) especially when mixed with flour from different grains (no, I don't know either for what purpose), called kama.

Also all Estonians are obligated by law to consume the better part of a pig with every meal. Mostly Estonians eat those parts of animals that the previous rulers of the country threw out. Intestines, ears and tails dominate the cuisine. One of the most important dishes is blood, grains and pieces of fat in a bowel (verivorst). Every Estonian likes blood. Estonia is plenty of blood food. Even Mäkdonalds haves in Estonia bloodburger and big bloodburger. You can buy blood in supermarkets it is sold in small packages like juice. In Valga county people love blood festival which is running every day in club "Valga lihakombinaat".

Nowadays Estonians eat a variety of different foods, such as sand, Latvian pickle and chocolate from a chocolate monopoly "Kalev". Sand is very commonly eaten mostly in the south-western part of Estonia, mainly near sand factory called Pärnu. Sand being a national food goes back to ancient times, when Estonian tribes ruled the whole Sahara and Atacama deserts. It is said that they wanted to differ from locals and therefore begun eating sand. Latvian pickle is also an essential part of Estonian's every-day food. Estonians say that they eat Latvian pickles, because: 1. It is the only food sold on markets 2. It is cheap (5 Estonian Cocoons each). Contrary to the widespread belief, nobody actually eats kanahakkliha [1]. The main use of this product is to scare children to become vegetarians.

When not eating pickles or sand, Estonians eat chocolate from a chocolate company "Kalev", which some years ago was a sewer depository station. Reportedly it is under control of reptile aliens, who plant their eggs in the chocolate. Estonian chocolate consists of sand and pickles. A new taste revolution started in 2004, when "Kalev" began importing black people, hidden inside loads of coffee beans. Check article in Postimees

The primary national food is shaslyk and the only drink which people drink is called "Belyi Aist" or "Armenjak".

However, a true Estonian would never touch a dish if it is not made the exact way that mother in Saaremaa used to. Words to scare Estonians off food are "healthy", "spice" or "vegetable".

Religion and Cults

Striitreisser ( Street-racers in English) is a large group of men and women. They can usually be seen wearing blue uniforms, while patrolling the roads of Estonia, looking for prey. They don't leave any traces, just like the ninja. On a side note - the ninja are AWESOME!

Eurovision's Fanclub's Fanclub (they fan Eurovision's Fanclub). They are usually hostile, attacking young and promising Estonia's singers (like the band Ruffus), and should be avoided at all costs. This fan club holds it's rituals and traditional sacrifices in different places, but they can be primarily found lurking in their Hive (they call it The Nest) - Saku Suurhall.

Reip.ee'ers (users of reip.ee; ratefags in eng). They are the worst of all mentioned before. They love to take pictures of everyone every time everywhere and put them on reip.ee. Then they rate the pictures and write comments to them. Reibipeded spend most of the day in reip.ee (about 16 hours) so you won't be seeing much of them in the streets (that's good). But the youngers Reip.ee'ers spend their time in Viru Keskus (Viru Center in English) after school and Viru Keskus is also called as Reidipede Keskus. Reip.ee'ers usually run around screaming and destroying. Sometimes so much damage is done that the government has to reorganise the entire country. If you really want to die, go to www.rate.ee and put your pic in there and become a critic (person who rates only with "1"). Leave your full address, e-mail and phone number and your death is guaranteed. It's the quickest way to kill someone or commit suicide (use your own address).

Speaking

Most Estonians never speak, they only make mumbling sounds like: "mmmmmm". The other common ways of face-to-face communication are spitting, farting, and step dance. Therefore, speaking is regarded as a high art among Estonians. Some Estonians (0,71% according to a recent census) do produce language-like sounds. As the Estonian language is extremely difficult to learn, not to say about mastering it, most of the locals don't care to acquire more than a few words (kurat, okei, tšau, pakaa). They usually use words borrowed from Russian, English or Swahili. The Russian part of the lexicon consists mainly of laconic describing sentences, such as: "Ты хуй" (=I love you but...). The English part of language is mainly used to show your emotions: "Fuck", "Bitch", "fkurslf" and many more. With these kind words, Estonians easily handle all types of situations. The Estonian language (see an above section) is still studied in a few Finnish and Hungarian universities because of its doubtful Oogry-Moogric roots.

Entomology

Nothing is known about entomology in Estonia. Nobody even knows what this word means but it was requested by the Uncyclopedia staff that there be this heading. So be it.

Literature

A fuller treatment of the Estonian Literature is in a separate article; only the major issues are outlined here. As already mentioned, the only book written entirely in Estonian is Kalevipoeg. There are other books, however, which may be mentioned in this rubric but there are various foreign elements in their language. For example, "Lies and Unjustice" by H. A. Saaretamm (18 volumes) is an important novel and all Estonians who go to school are forced to read the first chapter and to memorize the first page ("There it lies, the Robbers' Hill..."). However, the author makes extensive use of foreign words (e.g., "revolutsioon" in vol. 12, or "sotsialismus" in vol. 9) and is thus alienated from the spirit of Estonian language. The "O spring of my childhood, I jump from joy" by O. Ogalik is a fine piece of poetry in prose, but the majority of the dialogues are in Russian. This is even reflected in the title of the book which in the original version reads as: "Prassai, Primavera!" Consequently, Ogalik should be considered a Russian rather than Estonian writer.


Geography

Main article: Geography of Estonia

[2]

Estonia is a place of many mysteries, legends and myths. Most of them deal with the exact location of the country.

The most popular myth, which is also taught in several schools, is that Estonia is located west of Tokyo, north of Setumaa, south of Santa's home and somewhere above the centre of the Earth (not quite sure), but this tale is officially disregarded as a typical sign of exhaustion from blogging.

Another story tells that Estonia is actually a bloody cold country covered with deep mud and greedy people who eat children, but this is largely unfounded because of the lack of the children who could testify to that.

However, it is known that the small town of Peedu in northern Estonia can get so cold it will freeze the knuckles off a penguin.

Through many researches and discussions the current view is the following: Estonia is a warm country with fantastic women in Southeast Earth. Legend goes that the women were imported from Russia, as a gift from Vladimir VII (7.) the Putin, current Russian Czar. Vladimir VII himself denies that, so it's been suggested that it's the other way around - all Russian women actually originate from Estonia.

If there is one thing that all Estonians agree on is that all foreign maps and entries about Estonia in tourist guides, including Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and The ultimate guide to going somewhere, are plain wrong.
File:Estonia-map1.gif

Estonia consists of 25 states, 3 asteroids, 14 gas stations, about 15,000 toilets and 2 parallel dimensions. There is a border struggle with Fiji concerning the dimensions at the moment. The Population of Estonia is between 8 and 9 humans, 1.1 million Estonians and 300000 Russians (of which around 7 don't have a criminal record), that is why it is also called the "Most Crowded Country in the World". Beside humans (and Russians), there is also a huge amount of chickens and wild gorillas (about 5.9 billion) and Chikenogorillas.

Estonia has only 3 islands: Pepsi Island, A-Great-Egg-Hill-Island and Narva. Two of them are inhabited by Jews and there is no living nature in Narva. The Jews have been ruling the Pepsi Island and the A-Great-Egg-Hill-Island for 93 years now. Also the American islands and the Australian island are Estonian colonies where live several low-tech gangs (the locals).

The deepest lake of Estonia (AbjaPaluoja Mud lake) is also the deepest (depth 3.5 metres in the deepest point) lake of the Earth and also the rest of the world except India (as nobody really cares what Indians do in India).

Longest river of Estonia is Greenwich meridian, 39520 kilometres and 23 metres long. It might also be the longest river in the world, but since it's so long, nobody dares to swim in there.

Communication

Main article: Communication in Estonia

Estonia has probably the most alienated communication infrastructure in the world. 99% of the population has a computer with Internet connection. The remaining 1% are constantly drunk.

Internet

There are a number of organisations providing aliens access to the Internet:

  • Starman - run by Martians as a test project. What is it testing and whether the company is really located in Estonia or in Megatexas instead we do not know.
  • Elion - sponsored by the Grand Master of the Aliens, Lennart Meri and run by a bunch of former KGB agents as the sister project to Big Brother. A very dangerous company that keeps people in suspense. The wonderful web page Hot.ee belongs to Elion.
  • STV (short for Sex Television) - not much is known about this organisation. There are rumours that it's lead by Dr. Evil, but currently there is no conclusive evidence to support this theory.
  • Uninet - according to Estonia's most respected newspaper Nelli Teataja it's a social project created by ETV so they'd have a place where to ship script editors of Soft'n'Furry (a secret show on secret TV for secret services) when they start philosophisizing about the truth.
  • EENet - this organisation only provides an Internet service for "educational purposes", which means that some Estonians are lucky enough to download porn at 1 Gbps.
  • EWN - Located in Haapsalu, operated by Norby Telecom who is planing to kill Elion.
  • toru.hot.ee - is main place for l33t warez junkies to trade some pr0n. The biggest pirate FTP server toru.hot.ee is maintained by the biggest ISP, Elion and has a 1 Gbit pipe. Thanks, Elion ;)
  • MoonNetworks - the best ISP in Northern-Estonia. Group of Russians attacked Elion and stole their Internet cable. Great connections and great administrators.
  • Ilmatsalu Highway Cable - the best ISP in Southern-Estonia. Group of Ilmatsalu [[gang] members attacked Starman and stole their Internet cable. Great connection and great administrators. Available download speed tops out at 3 bps.


There in Estonia is connected to Internet: 2 000 000 Cars (old little cars like toyota corollas (~81') and datsuns (~79') etc.), 1 500 000 cordless phones, 1 000 000 personal computers (mainli with based on 80386 and 80486 cpu, but some very rich peaople have eaven Pentium II based computers and mouse with scrolling wheel), 500 000 freezers, 200 000 animals (cats, sheep and dogs), 350 Banks or credit institutions, 15 State organizations

Rape.ee

Rape.ee is a strange, disturbing phenomenon, it lies on the very edge of the Great Big Internet and lures teens with lots of zits and stupid hair near it, and then swallows them whole. People who have ever come near it and lived to tell the tale, said that they heard screams of young innocent souls yelling out: "Rape my picture! Rape MY picture or i put a curse on thee!! yarrrrrrrrr... ICE CREAM!"

This monster is lead by a demonic soul called Andrei, the curse that the Russian Czar Vlad VII(7) put on Estonia. There is only one single way to stop this monstrosity, yea, only one way to save those socially disturbed souls from the church of vanity, the answer lies in The Farm (also known as Eesti Nokia).

However, here's what an ordinary rape.ee'er thimks about this soul-saving project: Te olete peded muhahahahahahaha saite aru (untranslatable ruppissh in a language called Muhahaaish).

Cell phone

Every single Estonian has a cell phone, younger people usually have two or three and also a laptop computer. This is demanded by a law passed in 1992 by the Riigikogu. There is widespread resentment against this law among the people, who see it as a revenge action by Lennart Meri who couldn't run for president for the 3rd time. Lennart Meri himself has more then twenty different phone numbers and he's constantly talkong using at least three or four of them. Sometimes you must wait while. His dog called Mathias Rust have 5 mobile phones and 3 fix numbers (doghouse, seaport and sauna). It is easier call to Mathias and say hime - let Lennart takes phone.

The cellular market has been dominated by Tele2 (ex Q-GSM) as long as anyone can remember. TELE2 is using buses for transporting people to the net area. It is possible to use TELE2 cellular phones in Tartu, Tallinn and Elva. If TELE2 clients phone rings, it means your location is in cities marked before. Every TELE2 client asks from the caller - how did you know I'm here??? The telecom operator is EMT (Estonian Mobile Telephone), who has a hard time providing sufficient service and thats why all EMT's clients are suffering under lack of service constantly.

And then there is the Russian capital based Elisa, that sells mobile phones with long cords (not more then 10 km) for maximum service. The Elisa in Estonia is basically dead. No profit has ever been made and the only mobile which has ever left the factory was eventually stolen by Elisa's Chief of Staff.

In Ilmatsalu, there is no service area for talking with cell phones. If you are going there, then please tell someone, you have been visiting this place. Ilmatsalu city has the biggest crime rate in Estonia. Please, do not visit this place! Visit Haage instead.

POP (from EMT) has also been considered legendary, although there is no legend about it. The POP chips are made with extreme accuracy (using hammers and cables) to flood the market with POP's. The people, who have bought and used POP, say that they have been constantly been in touch with alien reptiles. Although you can't use your cell phone with POP, it is still cool as additional stickers, headbands and other cheap stuff from China are given to you in addition. The POP advertisement staff is also known for their keenness on aliens and lawn-hobbits.

Dill, Zorro and etc. are registred trademarks of EMT.

Estonia has a secret GSM operator called Kaubamaja-vork GSM2. Information is confidencial.

Other

Estonians rejoice the functionality of their only email service provider, Hot.ee. Note that by every email you send using Hot.ee, you will donate 3 peanut shells to Russia as human aid. That campaign was made because the EU wanted money for 1,000,000,000 extra peanut shells.

The so called "cream" people (who have loads of money - they sometimes even use it to light a fire in their fireplaces) use number 2 trolley to find their mansions in Mustamäe. If you really want to see how rich Estonians are, use that # 2!!!!

Also they have Secret TV3, run under alien control.

Estonian weather is the most interesting thing in the world - no one ever can know the way it will change in the next moment, even Estonians themselves.

History

General

Once upon a time there was some guy called Tarapita, who claimed to be a Jedi and most likely also a demi-god. He had four sons: Kalev, Sulev, Olev and Dimitri. When Tarapita died it turned out he'd lost all his fortune playing cards in Las Vegas. Thus the land was confiscated by powers that be and the 4 guys had to create a new home for themselves. They decided to choose the future king by throwing rocks. Sulev, the oldest, threw the rock far far into some un-named lake. Dimitri threw even further. Kalev, the youngest and the stupidest but the strongest threw the furthest and so won. Kalev had a son whose translated name is Kalevson. Kalevson likes finnish girls very much and often walks to finland to have some fun.

Without much thought he went and sat down in the nearest swamp and declared this spot to be the Kingdom of Estonia It was in the swamp he met Estonia`s national-animal-to-be - the hedgehog - who gave him advice in the matters of importing timber from Tiblastan and exporting it forward to the European Union.

There are no surviving records as to what Olev was doing at the time. Some say he was sleeping after playing holdem poker the whole night, others claim he was starting the trend which was destined to become the first and most honoured Estonian tradition - being in the wrong place at the right time.

But Dimitri went to east and settled a new colonisation for Estonia. It is known now as Russia. Russia means- ruttu siia! In English- Come hurry! Thats why in 1940 Estonia conquered Soviet Union and occupied in until for fifty years.

See also this webpage about Estonian kings.

Wars with Latvia

The "saldejums wars" with Latvia are the most important events in the recent history of Estonia. Recently, gossips have been spread that there is still a part of Latvian territory which is under the control of the "wild Estonian tribes". However, as no witnesses (above all, the saldejumss themselves) have survived, it is difficult to find any definitive information about these events.

The Kilusõda (Sprat war) is a recurrent war between Estonia and Latvija. It starts when 2 guys want to split one sprat. Sprat breaks badly and war is started. It is usually a war on the sea and the participants pretend, as an example, that there are 600 000 marines, 320 diffrent types of ships, 30 aircraft-carriers, 50 000 planes, 570 helicopters and 25 bloodhounds from each side involved, not including the russian spys who participate on 5 tanks.

Administration

Estonia

Estonia's national flag. No, really. It's that bad.

Estonian SSR flag

Estonia's Soviet-era flag. Looks much better, doesn't it?

The king of Estonia is Edgar Savisaar (aka Savipäts, ninasarvik, Savi). At least this is how he thinks himself, as he is followed by cult called Keskerakond. It's also a good tradition to distrust any administration and hold elections more frequently than the official required interval. That is why all the senior citizens rebel against the law. Several collisions between Government Anti Yippie (G.A.Y) and Estonian Liberation Forces (E.L.F) have taken place near the Kings highly defended castle. But there are no records of civilians died in collisions.

The vice president of Estonia is Homer Simpson who is known for his ambitions about world peace.


Also the prime minister Andrus Ansip is under mental control of an alleged "cat" that is actually a russian KGB in a cat suit. His name is Yuri Prime(evolved in mental manipulation and mind control overall). His cover name is Miizu.

Under the influence of Miizu, Andrus Ansip carried out many evil deeds of which the local folk are unaware, and is aligned with the plan of Estonian annihilation master-minded by Russia and Putin. Some claim that Andrus Ansip's real name is Jedi-master Windu, who uses the Stenbocks' House dungeons and cellars to keep the enemies of the Empire in bondage.

More political movements in Estonia:

  • Prussakov Bicycle Union (left wing radicals / biker terrorists)
  • Nõmme Raadio (ultra right wing moderate terrorists armed with FM frequency beams)
  • Rullnokad (ass-wipes, who are speeding with their 15 year old cars. They are the biggest risk group in Estonia)
  • Ilmatsalu Gang (the biggest gang in Estonia)
  • ETA (Estonian Terrorists Association, secret propaganda agency, banned and now underground)

Security and Privacy

Police

Estonia is known for its safe streets and lanes. To further worsen the situation, Estonia's government has unofficially hired some gorillas, to hunt down unsuspecting civilians and drunk Finnish tourists. These gorillas are known as F.A.L.C.K. - Finnish Agents & Libyan Cat Killers. They have efficiently evolved with the situation in Estonia and are known as the second threat to society (the Parliament wins the most-dangerous-adversary award.

Many Estonians have heard about a new threat to the Empire - a secret project a.k.a The Naabrivalve (the same as Big Brother). Already, hundreds of civilians have been involved in this soon-to-be-big project. The people involved (also known as the NV-s) become very weird, they want to attack everyone and in most of the cases they want to mate with everything that moves (sometimes even with things that don't move!). So you'd better watch your back when you happen to see a "Naabrivalve" sign on a house.

You can easily recognise the participants of The Naabrivalve by staring them in the eye. If they attack you, rip you into pieces and afterwards feed your body parts to their dogs, then you've found them. The NV-s are most vicious at night, at that time they can even attack their relatives who have come to lurk behind their door, (maybe just come to visit,) so watch out by all means! And also thousands of mail deliverers have been killed due to this aggressive overwhelming project. They show no mercy.

Other important tweaks in the Estonian Security System. The policemen (in Estonia known as the mendid) are trained very carefully under the surveillance of extreme professionals. No food is given to them during the training period (which is only 20 years) and the mendid are only allowed to drink contaminated water. They also have to cope some extreme conditions such as 200 degree heat (on sundays) and cold 100 degree below zero (on mondays). During the other weekdays they spend some quality time in Sahara desert and learn some useful skills to fight crime in Estonia. All in all the mendid are physically very tough and mentally as well. Sometimes they seem to be a bit stupid but they only pretend that. Unfortunately the mendid are not good enough to keep crime out of Estonia. Maybe it is because of the little food they are allowed to eat but maybe it's just that the criminals have better preparations.

The mendid usually use wrenches to fight criminals. But sometimes they are even allowed to use metal sticks.

Military

Eesti kaitse vagu. 8k of people

KAPO

The KAPO is the estonia's backbone of security. It can be compared to FBI, KGB, Gestapo etc. KAPO's history began in 1995, when five expelled students made a terrorist organization, which they named after their leader the KAUPO. The original KAUPO existed only 5 days because the leader Kaupo was arrested for stealing milk from a civilian cow. Then a number of backfalls came: after 7 days their HQ was invaded by seals and they moved to one of the member's dog's kennel. Secondly one of KAUPO's members got preagnent and was taken away (to the morgue). The 3rd event was most devastating: KAUPO went bankrupt and could nut supply the HQ with enough cigars (12 packs per hour) and so the KAUPO was torn apart. 2 years later a religious group became the team with one difference: they named their group KAPO (because GOD doesn't know letter "U"). They carried on the traditions of the original KAUPO (throwing dogs mith stones, skinning birds etc.) until they all came to an end in a streetfight. Today we know KAPO as the main reason for hunger, high rate of syphilis, war with Latvia and the "unexplained" disappareance of the ex Prime Minister's cat. The KAPO, which is controlled by Russians (54,2%), jedis (23,3%), american businessmen (20,1%) and The National Library (2,4%), is the most substanial force in the battle against the Empire and the Federation. Althogh noone actually works there and the HQ is burnt down (by Rullnoxid), Estonia's politicians, people, finance, people's privacy and pizza bars are kept under control by this Big Brother. KAPO's (KAitsePOlitsei) main partner is TÜrgi RAtsapolitsei.

Solar Force (ESF)

The ESF was at first highly criticeased. Now it's widely accepted as the only source of security for the Estonians. It's, however, a top secret. ESF-023 "Tibla" Solar force ship is a main command point of ESF.

Economy

Currency

Estonia's unit of currency is the Estonian Cocoon, which is freely convertible with live chickens and other Estonian Cocoons at the rate of \sqrt{-1}to 1.

This unusual monetary policy has led to centuries of rampant confusion and massive spurts of hyper-inflation, followed by periodic bouts of hyper-deflation, and occasionally both inflation and deflation at the same time, with the fates of billions of live chickens and chikenogorillas hanging in the balance.

Banks

The highest Estonian bank is situated in Ontika. It is 56 meters high. The other famous banks are Panga pank (bank of Bank) in Saaremaa (21.3 m), and Ühispank in Tallinn (more than 80 m, but this one is artificial).

Dependence on Finland

The Estonian economy is fully dependent on Finnish alcohol tourists. In Tallinn, the Finnish also liven up the prostitution, which, however, is dependent of Russian women (however, see above, by all accounts Russian women seem to have an Estonian origin in the first place.)And they called like Põdrad

Export

Some time ago Estonians used to export electricity as well but when they managed to blow up the entire city of Saint- Petersburg they agreed that it's not the best idea. Unfortunately it was already too late. Used toilet paper used to be exported to Latvia, but with the constant decline of population due to alcoholism and the official no-sex policy, this cannot probably last for long.

Big market is exporting Danish flags. People from Denmark loves this flag very much.

Import

Estonia imports gypsies, cellular phones and sand, which is transported through oil pipes to Fiji and then bought back to Estonia.

Nature

Polar bears live in Estonia.

Estonia is very well known for its effort to put a man Juku Kakarind near the moon using a self-propelled rubbish bin. His famous phrase "Smell ya later" is engraved on every bin since. Since visibility is near zero throughout the year, which is caused by deodorants, there's absolutely nothing to see in Tartu. Currently, the scientists are investigating the reasons behind the fact that there are some people in Estonia who truly believe that Tartu is nothing but a myth and it exists only in imagination.

Controversially, there are some people that religiously believe that Tartu is THE place to be and live. Another point that deserves closer scientific investigation is strange phenomena of changing people. Otherwise normal people, after moving to Tartu, will very soon change radically: their eyesight goes foggy, clothes strange, they forget to talk the way it makes sense, this usage of beer, wine and some other bad chemicals will dramatically increase. They blame the Spirit of Tartu themselves, but that may be also fake, as the whole village of Tartu. One thing about Tartu is real though - the Statoil gas station right in the centre of it.

Elsewhere in the country people throwing their trash in the woods to celebrate Kakarind first, second and thirds flight and recently situation became desperate as people can't see any more the trees behind piles of rubbish.

Unlike it done in some civilised countries government refuses to pay for refuse collection and using special refuse dispersion birds - called "Suitsupääsuke", the Pubes' Smoking Swallows in English. Its numbers are going down in other countries, as the new laws prohibiting smoking pubes in public are destroying its habitat. Estonia is the last country on Earth to offer a refuge to this wonderfully unhealthy species.

Pubes' Smoking Swallow is a national bird of the republic of Estonia. The bird got it's name from fast changing climate in Estonia. Summer comes so fast that the gentle bird is not used to such heat and literally burns its pubes in the sky with thick smoke. Every summer all the birds are replaced with new ones, specially bred in the laboratories of Tallinn Zoo under the surveillance of , most famous Estonian surgeon who as a first man in earth added with complicated surgery successfully monkeys ass under his right armpit, "just for fart" as he commented it himself sniffing finger.

Young swallows also have serious tobacco smoking problem and the death rate to tobacco related diseases is highest in all national birds worldwide.

The most famous tobacco brand is "Leek", translated "the Pubes on Fire". It reminds them of their fore-fathers burning in the sky.

They meditate and chant: "Higher, higher pubs on fire!"

According to natural scientist in the BBC, Estonian forests deem with fruit bats. They visit the local supermarkets of which there are, gratefully, an abundance, to purchase tropical fruits, which have become extinct in Estonia due to climate change.

Entertainment

The music in Estonia is fantastic(who don't know Mute and Volume). Many countries envy Estonia's great taste in music. Though Estonia doesn't make any music itself, music is widely available from the Internet, almost legally. Men's singing is also astoundingly spectacular here, evidenced by most Estonian male singers' preoccupation with making their voices sound rough and ragged, a practice that normal singers have trouble imitating without coughing spastically.

Arnold Oksmaa is the best known Estonian singer. For the greater good to all humankind and other nations and countries on the earth - he is totally bisexual. He was released from the Estonian Imperial Mental Institution, where he was cured of the life-threatening disease "Thinking of Itsself as Ordinary Unworthy Straight Citizen Syndrome" successfully.

A well-known very-heavy-metal band Vanilla-Godzilla-Ninja was estimated in the beginning of 21st century near the club kung-fu just around the corner. Today it's a fact that this band is almost the father of metal.

Estonia's second most popular entertainment is standing or sitting by big shops, supermarkets or malls and offending any passing furries. Usually the participants are smoking cigarettes and/or drinking alcohol, usually cheap beer. Sometimes they get beaten away by security guards and/or the police.


Estonia is also known for it's extreme luck in the Eurovision Song Contest. Estonia has produced a great mass of singers, artists, drummers etc, who have all eventually failed. Though Eurovision is just a contest, many casualties have been among the singers, due to the aggressiveness from the Eurovision's Fanclub's Fanclub (see above "Cults")


There's a new astonishing entertainment figure in Tallinn. 19 year old bisexual Vicky who is gaining publicity by singing, amusing pretty girls and performing delightful shows of her dancing skills and beautiful body parts. Already she has appeared in such popular daily newspaper like SLÕhtuleht and internet news service Delfi. A new rising star, who predictably has a glorious future.


National sports

Wife carrying

A male has to grab his competitor's wife, toss her on his shoulder and run like hell from the whole competitive tribe. The verb derived hence is "to score". Best Estonian athletes score all the time, even outside competition.

Most famous Estonian wife carrier is Eerik from Ilmatsalu. He has been unbeatable for 5 years with his wife Helena, who is not lightsome. Last summer she weighed about 195 kg (that's about 300 pounds). That's a pretty awesome result, because other wives are in weight below the 60 kg bound.

Gambling

Estonian Association of Ginger Orphans(EAGO) is proud to say that the 1st official Estonian Russian Roulette Championship will be held in a little Estonian city called Kapa-Kohila on Smarch 27th, 1812. The Games will be held in 3 categories train vs car, train vs truck, and train vs bus.

Beer Drinking

A competition more popular in the summer, reaching its peak in Jaanipäev St. John's Day (National Orgy Day), a special day set aside by the national government for committing suicides, preferably in SUVs, but also other vehicles (it is also a sport, where people try to drive over as many street signs as possible), as well as by plunging into water when drunk, jumping into fires that are helpfully lit all over the country on the eve of St. John's day, and other means. Most often by drinking oneself to death. As this last feat is not easy (most Estonians are used to drinking beer since they were born and have grown a tolerance), those who fail wake up in hospital after a few weeks.

In fact, suicide has become a national sport in itself, but Estonia faces considerable competition from, as tends to be the case, its nearest neighbours and closest relatives.

There are lot of competitions in beer drinking. Most popular and well-known competition is in the Ilmatsalu called "Beat Eerik in beer drinking". It's annual event and every year it has about 20 rullnoks competing to the first place. Who obtains it, gets 50,000 EEK and great fame. That's not all, you are blessed by the Ilmatsalu mayor. Lately, government has banned the sale of alcohol on some more important holidays. This encourages people to try illegal methyl alcohol, which is known for its faster effect, as it kills much swifter.

Kiiking

Kiiking, also known as an over-exaggerated version of swinging, was invented in the early 1990`s. Legend says that some fellows who are constantly doing lifting sports started this national mania, when one of the sportsmen wanted to have a nice morning shit. By accident he didn't end up in a toilet, but on a huge swing. Then the national hero tried to sit down, but each time he bent his legs, the swing ruined his balance and he had to stand up. After half an hour of moving up'n'down Kiiking was born. Although the inventor of the sports got his pants all brown, the people of Estonia are thankful - finally they have something to do when they're drunk.

Stoneball

Stoneball, also known as the most popular sport among the politicians, was first invented a long time ago. It has been said that it was replicated from Americas baseball, to impress George W. Bush when he should visit Abja-paluoja. Stoneball has produced many fertile singers (Arnold Oksmaa), artists (Navitrolla), politicians (see Government hierarchy) and many other. Scientists from the University of Tartu have proven, that playing stoneball at least twice a day raises Estonians IQ dramatically. The most famous stoneballer in Estonia, and probably in the world, is comrade Jürto.

Sex

As it is impossible to have sex or anything close to it after having drank 2 litres of vodka (after every 4 hours), there are no known cases of sex in Estonia. Estonians multiply by binary fission. It is every Estonian's duty to reproduce at least a cluster or two of little Estonians.

There are no officially known cases of masturbation in The Mighty Estonia (except Juhan Parts, see chapter on Prostitution) according to the Estonian Imperial Illegal Mastrubation Detection Task Force because in Estonia, sex is free.

Trikkking

This curious sport is one among the numerous things that are called Eesti Nokia. It has been nominated for Estonian Nokia of The Day for at least twice during the past few years. Check it out from their web page. Any bussiness starts with buying free tickets to the buss from Kesklinn to Ihaste. Then, free as a bird, you can walk or fly (depending on your mood) back from Ihaste to Kesklinn and start it over again.

A related phenomenon, known as Viper Grills[3], has caused some mass demonstrations in Brazil during the first decade of the 21st century but has passed relatively unnoticed in Estonia. All participants on this demonstration a virgins or atlantics.


National Holidays

Estonians have three national holidays: Õllesummer (Beer Summer) and the two Halloweens: Mardipäev (Marting day) and Kadripäev (Carting day). There also used to be a holiday called Rock Summer, but that holiday went bankrupt when the National Tax Board looked into it.

Estonians also celebrate summer solstice, known in Estonia as Jaanipäev (St. John Smith's Day). Occasionally referred to as the National Orgy Day, this is an ancient custom. They all take their sledges and swim to Suur-Munamägi a.k.a Great-Egg-Hill island (if the sea isn't frozen). According to the old superstition - the one who swims furthest will get laid, but there is no record whatsoever of this having actually happened. Survivors drink hot pea soup with whipped cream.

School system

Due to the fact that Estonians are too lazy to learn, they are the smartest people in the World and some cases in the Universe. Teachers are paid 6000 EEK (385 )a month, pupils learn in comfortable leather lounges and watch Woody Woodpecker on TV. There are special schools for hairy-guys (they listen rock music like Eminem) and rapper guys (they listen Hip Hop like Twinkle Twinkle little star).

If students have learned 65 or more years in school (it's called life-long learning there), they can go to university in Tartu, Abja-Paluoja or Ilmatsalu. There they can learn IT or cleaning toilets. Also every Estonian has to be in the French Foreign Legion for five years (in Sahara desert).

Due to population growth within past few years (see Prostitution), Estonian schools are filled with young students. As there are already too many kids and the Ethnic Cleaning (see Mein Kampf) isn't showing progress, the government had to take up serious methods.

For example from now on new students will be included in schools using a very proven and scientific method - lottery. As the politicians say, it would ensure the gypsy integration would stop. Secondly, the government has banned all exams and students automatically get diplomas from a variety of universities, Due to this, Estonia's education's rate has gone up 99.9% and is already paying itself off by a large rate of unemployment. This, as the government says, would only endure a large emigration to Abhasia (see Estonia's neighbours) where Estonians will be slaved and used as a labour force. On school holidays children drink vodka and chill/hang in Viru Keskus and Tammekas. (Tammekas = A.H. Tammsaare's park, Tammsaare is a millionaire who owns 74% of Tallinn)

Driving school system

There are a lot of driving schools too and if you want to drive with a rental car in Estonia, I suggest rather not to do that. Everywhere you go, there are rullnokks (drivers with crazy driving skills and lots of cheap beer) and driving-school cars. Most rullnoks get their drivers licenses in the beautiful gang-city Ilmatsalu. It's not really a city (maybe a village or something like that), except by Estonian standards. There is a guy called Vova. He is directed by Eerik (locals know him as a red Viking). If you give them about €€150 you will get your own driver's license in about 2 days!

Estonians dont have driving school. They don't have any cars either, because Estonias are too slow to learn or teach. They use ostriches. And when an ostrich is too old they kill them and cook ostrich marmalade and export to their nifty neighbor Latvia for making Latvian pickles.

Quotes

  • Template:OWQ
  • "O yea." ~ William Shakespeare
  • "And they will eat all your cheese!" ~ Willy Wonka
  • "Moan, Mumble, Roar!" ~ Zombie

See also

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