Esperanto
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“En Soveta Rusio, Esperanto parolas VIN!”
~ Russian reversal on Esperanto
Esperanto is a constructed language intended to foster communication between Chinese scientists, Venezuelan fashion models, and agents of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy. Job applicants who claim to speak Esperanto like a native should be treated with skepticism. In Esperanto the word "esperanto" means, "a person who is hopeful, but who doesn't go overboard, or anything." In most American dialects of English it means, "Communism, probably." It should not be confused with Español.
Its primary goal being to foster communication, Esperanto endeavors to keep speakers from different backgrounds on what winging Brits like to call a level playing field. This is primarily achieved by making the language sufficiently difficult that everyone has difficulty learning it.
The total number of Esperanto speakers is subject of much debate. Estimates range from zero to Avogadro's number. Most if not all speakers learn Esperanto as a second language. There may, however, be a very small number of "native" Esperanto speakers who, because of the language's paradoxical simplicity, are able to achieve fluency while still in the womb. Proponents of this theory point to Esperanto as the opposite of a dying language. Esperantists tout its supposed simplicity as one of its chief strengths: it has been successfully taught to parrots, Captain Kirk, and several species of bacteria in the family Enterobacteriaceae.
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[edit] McSchwartzenheimer Zamenhof
[edit] Early Life
McSchwartzenheimer Zamenhof, the creator of Esperanto, was born on March 17th, 67 B.C. in then Roman-occupied Sealand, to Tullius Gaius Zamenhof and Hobag McGirk. After he was accidentally shot through the head with an XQ-45 Hyperlaser guided missile pilfered from an unsuspecting trio of Manhattan police officers, it was discovered that Zamenhof was a werehamster.
[edit] What happened after it was discovered that Zamenhof was a werehamster
Because he realized that he could not be killed, Zamenhof began to eat people he didn't like I. Therefore, a group of angry Dalmatians (the citizens, not the dogs) got him drunk and imprisoned him under a large rock in the Pyrenees Mountains.
He finally got free in 1875 when the rock rolled off him in a snowstorm, and, needing neopoints to support his kitten huffing habit, began work at a Chippendale's in southern France. There, he applied for membership in the International Society of Grues, but he just got eaten by a grue again.
Realizing he would never be respected, because too many people knew he was a werehamster, he changed his name to Lo Lo Zamenhof, and pretended to be a doctor. With this new first name he had the respectable disguise with which he could further his hunting of grues.
[edit] Inspiration for Esperanto
Zamenhof was inspired to create Esperanto after he was eaten by a Grue on a crisp fall day in October 1877. He said afterwards that an angel appeared in the sky, commanding him to make a glorious language that would unify the world in the name of the Heavenly Father, but it's pretty clear that he was just making it up to obtain a few grams of I Can't Believe It's Not Hitler, or to give the grues a false sense of security.
When he showed his dad what he had made, his dad understanding all too well the evil the language could be put to, burned the first draft, and quietly replaced it with the Esperanto we know today. Zamenhof then dedicated his life to promoting his language not realizing that his plot was doomed to fail thanks to his father's selfless actions.
After popularizing his language Zamenhof was beheaded by U.S. president Grover Cleveland, because the Bible states, "Thou shalt behead Dr. L.L. Zamenhof if your name has both 'Cl' and 'land' in it. If thine name has only one of those, thou shalt feed Dr. Zamenhof to a grue" (Gospel of St. Eustace, 48151:62342).
The fledgling Esperanto movement encountered a schism fostered by two French monkeys named de Beaufront and Louis Ciffer, who pretended to promote Esperanto while in fact promoting their own language project, I Do. It is believed they seduced as many as one-third of Esperantists, but these all developed red skin and horns and fell out of WikiHeaven. Esperantists pay little notice to I Do today, mostly because the minions of WikiHell are only clearly visible from WikiHeaven on the most defective of days.
[edit] Alphabet
Because Esperanto is not compatible with Electronic devices, most Esperantists have gotten by using the letters h, x, ^, and 卐. So the sentence 'good morning' becomes 'hxx^卐h^ 卐xh^x'.
[edit] Phonology
Zamenhof saw Italic as a beautiful language, so to make his language even better, he it gave more sounds. As a result, Esperanto's phonology consists entirely of syllabic nasals, nasalized /@~/, a few meows and überwoofs, and random binary 011000100110100101101110011000010111001001111001. The distinct sound of a KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand slapping against patio furniture is also phonemic in Esperanto and indicated with a ^ above the letter. Female speakers of Esperanto therefore cannot properly pronounce the language.
This was by design, because Zamenhof was a sexist Lemonist who wanted an excuse to keep women in small, sealed jars containing 85% isopropyl alcohol. This stems from his jealousy that every woman who he ever met purposefully turned into a grue and ate him.
[edit] Grammar
The reason for Esperanto's simplicity is outlined by its basic grammatical principles. These were first described by Zamenhof in his famous book, "Unua Sensencajxo". In fact, Zamenhof's creation was so simple that the book contained only one grammatical rule worthy of note. You simply take an English word, move the first letter of the word to the rear and attach the suffix -ay.
Ouldcay itbay bebay anybay oremay implersay?
[edit] Useful Esperanto Expressions
- I really want to invite you to a little talk. Can I shake hands and all the usual stuff?
Saluton.
- How do you fart today?
Hodiaux kiel vi fartas?
- I'm farting very well. Thanks!
Mi fartas tre bone. Dankon!
- Can you direct me to the station?
Karesu mian postaĵon, mi petas.
- I am glad to see you.
Vi havas belegajn femurojn.
- Stop! What are you doing?
Dio vin benu, sed bonvolu enpaki viajn mamojn!
- Are you above the age of consent in this municipality?
Mi havas bastonon longan
- Your Father was a baboon's rump and your mother spent all her time backed up against the wall by sailors!
Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston, laŭŝajne estas rano en mia bideo.
- I love you so much!
Mi volus longfeki vin dure!
- You are a really nice looking woman. I am arousing myself just looking at you. Oooh, mama!
Mi estas ja geja!
- You look nice today
Ĉiesulino fiku min.
- And if you ever find yourself in an uncomfortable silence, you can always say...
Esperanto estas tre facila kaj utila. (No one really knows what it means but esperantists are always happy to hear it.)
[edit] Famous Esperanto Speakers
- Filipinos
- Original Jesus
- Oscar Wilde
- McSchwartzenheimer Zamenhof
- George Soros
- Fillet O'Fish
- Captain Kirk
[edit] Where to learn Esperanto
lernu.net If you take the lernu.net course "Vojaĝu kun Zam", you may learn Esperanto from a typical speaker: a floating green head with large yellow eyes and two antennae. Better learn Latin if you search for something living: Esperanto only has some million speakers.
Another way to get a taste of Esperanto is to go to Germany, pick a Polish, Russian or French guy and ask him to show you directions in English (if you want to look more into it, ask him about deeper things). This is a quick, easy, and above all free way to receive Esperanto instruction, usually administered by stabbing.
