Espada

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 07:18, December 25, 2011 by RAHB (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search

The Espada is a rock band formed by Sosuke Aizen the Asshole in 2001. It consists of two singers, ten musicians and Aizen himself as the band manager, fashion desigher and general asshole. The band was created to combat against Gotei 13 and some controversial clothesline created for the Bleach fashion series. All band members, supporters and groupies are called Arrancar, and the musicians are called the Espada. All of the members used to be corrupted Pokemon known as Hollows but were transformed by Aizen using a magic rubix cube called the Hyougou. The Espada have quite the following, but in recent months Tite Kubo and Gotei 13 fought back agaisnt the band after the clothesline started being boycotted by fans.

Espada1.1

The Espada in their heyday. Their stagenames are written on the image.

History

Back in 2001, Aizen Sosuke had grown bored of being a member of Gotei 13 and an interior designer. Wanting a new leash of life, Aizen decided to leave Soul Society to form a rock band in a place called Hueco Mondo Groovy Babyland, apparently the ultimate place for music in the world. He convinced pop singer Gin Ichimaru and reggae singer Rick James to accompany him. The three caused a lot of havoc in Soul Society before leaving. In Hueco Mondo Groovy Babyland, Aizen used a supercube called Hyougou to transform some mutant Pokemon called Hollows into humanoid band members. Many auditions came and went, and Aizen eventually formed the band, named the Espada. Their main recording centre is a large building called Menos Nachos.

Several members have come and gone, either killed or kicked out. During their time in the band, all of the Arrancar have gained zankupato swords which they can release their true mutant forms, giving them across between human and Pokemon forms.

Band Members

Singers

Ulquiorra Cifer

Marylin Manson Ulquiorra

Ulquiorra as he usually looks.

Number 4 of the Espada, lead singer and resident emo. Ulquiorra joined the band in order to make fasion modelist Orihime Inoue jealous of him. Rumour has it he proposed to her shortly after kidnapping her for Aizen's sex toy, but was rejected by her immediately. Because of this, Ulquiorra now suffers constant crying tantrums of green acid, and has turned into a full time emo, pulling out a knife and screaming hysterically every time someone mentions her name. He has a strange fascination with trash, and tends to get insane illusions believing people to look like it. He is usually partnered during music lessons with Yammy, Number 10, and the resident dumbass. Ulquiorra also plays an air guitar, which is one of the many reasons he has such a big fanbase. Ulquiorra was recently snapped by the press releasing his zankupato, causing him to sprout giant bat wings, and he has such earned the title of "Emo Bat". As a Hollow, he was a mutated Golbat. He fights Ichigo Kurosaki for a little while, and then transforms again, becoming Marilyn Manson. As Manson, Ulquiorra's rock music and singing nearly killed Ichigo Kurosaki, prompting him to take drugs and turn into Freakazoid, who then blasted half of Ulquiorra's body away before reverting to normal. Ulquiorra's lack of green acid caused him to fade away as dust, but not before he told Orihime he loved her (by asking her if she feared him, which she said "no" to). So sad!


Gin Ichimaru

French Gin Ichimaru

Ichimaru in such a fabulous mood.

The second lead singer and backstabber. Gin agreed to be a part of the band after Aizen convinced him to join (you don't want to know how!). He has a long history of affairs with Rangiku Matsumoto who dumped him shortly after she met male model Renji Abarai. Walking in on them one night together mentally and physically scarred Gin to the point of becoming blind. Gin has a serious allergic reacton to contact lenses (and glasses are considered not hot in the band - with the exception of Szyael and Aizen when he wants to look nice) so he was forced to constantly squint his eyes ever since then, (a major turnoff to many fangirls rating him 12th in the group). Being an eccentric fan of Michael Jackson, Gin agreed to plastic surgery and a facelift, which is now the cause of his abnormal grinning. His goal in life is to murder Renji and become Aizen's bitch. He is constantly found arguing with Ulquiorra about staining his clothes with blood, and listening to Emo music full blast. In the final battle of the bands showdown, Gin tries to kill Aizen, revealing he is the number one supporter of Spinal Tap. Aizen transforms into a Butterfree and kills Ichimaru, who dies in Rangiku Matsumoto's arms.

Musicians

Coyote Stark

Ville Valo Stark

Stark bored out of his mind...or simply smoking another joint.

Number One of the Espada and lead guitarist, usually playing an ordinary guitar. Stark used to be the lead vocalist for the band, but that was until he discovered alcohol and various drugs. He gained the nickname of "Snooze Booze". Over time, he became hooked but gave up when he was reduced to guitarist. He has since become really lazy and cares little for much. He often mistaken for Keith Richards, which seriously bugs him to the point of him falling asleep. Stark used to ride a motorbike; this has nothing to do with anything but it is worth mentioning for no reason. He is often bugged by his single groupie Lilinette who enjoys trying to choke him to death by punching her hand into his open mouth. Stark is currently fighting against his half-brother, Worzel Gummich, who is just as lazy as he is. Stark is the last of the band to reveal their true form, revealed to actually be Clint Eastwood from his heyday in films, his guns made out of his illegitemate sister and groupie Lilinette. Stark ultimately dies whilst playing Guitar Hero against Worzel, Worzel getting drunk on air and smashing Stark with his fake guitar. Lilinette, due to their bond, dies too.

Barragan Luisenbarn

King Harkinian Barragan

Behold his royal pain in the ass majesty, Barragan

Number Two of the Espada. He doesn't really do much in the band anymore but used to be a kickass drummer before he got an ego. A miserable, grumpy old sod with only one eye, Barragn is your typical grumpy old man, always complaining and being miserable. He seems to be high a lot as he is always looking up at the ceiling. He wears a crown on his head, responsible for his royal ego. He considers himself to be a god when he is really an asshole. He also has a big nose. When Aizen, Gin and Rick James are trapped in a firewall, Barragan randomly declares himself king and produces a throne made of poo. Where did he get that thing from? After his groupies are slaughtered by Soifon and Big Mac, Barragan gets up to fight them but due to the weight of his ego, it takes him a while. Barragan also believes that he should be able to hold the guitarist position as well, due to the fact he owns a big-ass battle axe. Upon releasing his zanpakuto, he is revealed to Skeletor from the future. Skeletor reveals he was once the lead singer of the Espada until Aizen took command. Skeletor is ultimately killed by the Vizard Hachigen who uses He-Man's sword to rot Skeletor from the inside out.

Tia Halibel

0303 hilary duff a

Halibel before she lost her personality.

Number Three of the Espada, and keyboard player. A former model, actor in Naruto, and Gordon Brown's former secretary, Halibel is a silent no-nonsense person who acts as keyboard player for the Espada. Before she was an Espada, she was a mutated Sharpedo. When she was asked to sing, it was revealed she couldn't due to her Hollow mask covered her mouth and the upper part of her chest. She cannot sing and can only speak in the muffled language - which only Zabuza, Kakashi Hatake and Tim Curry understand. Halibel is very calm and lacks a personality. However, she has the coolest zankupato sword around, the middle section cut out just leaving the outer rim of the blade. She spent three months appearing in shampoo advert for L'Oreal, but when asked to take her clothes off, she killed the shampoo company people. It turned out that she was a Sharpedo as a Hollow, and transformed into an almost nude mermaid lady, capable of controlling water and nudists. After Stark and Barragan die, Aizen decides to bring the band's end to an end and boots Halibel off of a stage to her death.

Nnoitra Jiruga

Cary Nnoitra

You're his next victim! Better start running!

Number Five of the Espada, and air guitarist. He is very much a rebellious punk rockstar, getting drunk for fun, trashing everything, being a jerk and only caring for himself. He has his Espada tattoo on his tongue. He wears an eyepatch match out of fabric from a dentist chair, hiding his Hollow hole. Nnoitra is sexist, an atheist, and an asplodist. He fights with a massive axe-like weapon, really a massive backscratcher. Nnoitra used to be Number Eight in the band and was a backup guitarist. He had a relationship of sorts former band member Neliel Tu Oderschvank (whom he called "Neliel Tu Oderskank") although they spent all their time fighting each other and trying to outplay each other with their guitars. Nnoitra ultimately kicked Neliel out of the band when he discovered she liked to listen to Cliff Richard's music. Nnoitra battles Ichigo Kurosaki and Chad, beating them. Neliel challenges him and beat the living and non-living crap out of him. Before she was able to kill him, she mysteriously reverted back into her old form. Kenpachi Zaraki, a member of Gotei 13 and former rockstar shows up and trashes Nnoitra by using kendo to kill him with his guitar in disguise as his zanpakutō. Nnoitra's zankupatō reveals his former Hollow form to be that of a Pinsir with four arms.

Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

Grimmjow Wolverine

Grimmjow's ever so famous "I'm gonna gut you like a fish" frown

Number Six of the Espada, guitarist and most popular member of the Espada. Like Nnoitra, Grimmjow is generally a badass rockstar as well. He cares for little people other than himself, likes trash talking, and being a jerk. Before joining the band, Grimmjow was a mutated Persian who led a gang of other Arrancar until they joined the Espada. Grimmjow fights against Ichigo during a fashion shoot for a new form of Bleach clothing. Angered, Aizen sends Rick James to scold Grimmjow and bring him back to Hueco Mondo Groovy Babyland where he is demoted to a permanent backup musician and he is replaced by Luppi, a transexual queer fella known for his tentacle raping. However, when Orihime Inoue is brought to Los Nachos, she heals Grimmjow's wounds and musical abilities, allowing him to rape Luppi's ass and regain his awesomeness. He fights Ichigo again after he somehow creamed Ulquiorra, but is defeated by Nnoitra for no reason. He has randomly disappeared since then. His zankupato reveals his former Hollow form to be that of a Persian.

Zommari Leroux

Zommari Banzi

Zommari's shouts his praise to Aizen sama. BANZAI!!!

Number Seven of the Espada who plays a saxophone. Zommari used to be the world's ultimate pervert and was a mutated Dusclops when a Hollow. After being rescued by Aizen from perversion, Zommari saw the error of his ways and hailed Aizen as his king - what an idiot. Zommari is the only black man of the musicians and he has a cool mohawk. He seems to somewhat religious and he likes to meditate a lot. After Aaroniero Arruruerie is killed, Zommari approaches almost dead Rukia Kuchiki, a Bleach model. Zommari attempts to cut off her head when her big emotionless brother Byakuya shows up to kick Zommari's ass. The two fight, Zommari activating his zankupato by snapping his neck and bending his sword. A fire extinguisher goes off and Zommari eats a book of Cinderella, a massive pink fatass pumpkin replacing his lower body. Fifty eyes appear on his body is some rather dodgy places. Byakuya manages to fight off Zommari and ultimately kills him. His zankupato reveals his former Hollow form to be that of a Vileplume.

Szayel Aporro Granz

Andy Szayel Apporo Granz

Szayel driven mad by Kurotsuchi's drugs

Number Eight of the Espada, Syzael is the band's fashion designer, and plays a flute. He is also a bit of a scientist, fascinated with everything and wishes to dissect and kill everything. He has pink hair and wears glasses, and he thinks of himself as a bit of a pretty boy. He is also known as Sleaseball Apollo Grandcheese. He used to be a mutated Venomoth before becoming a member of the band. Szyael is the younger brother of Yylfordt Granz who died after being hit by a bicycle. Szyael fights Renji Abarai and Uryu Ishida multiple times, eventually activating his zankpuato to kill them. In this form, Szayel becomes a human testicle and rapes Ishida and Renji with fingerpuppets until Mayuri Kurotsuchi shows up. Szayel tries to rape him too but finds he is unhuffable, so he rapes his daughter Nemu instead. Kurotsuchi grows bored of Szyael's antics and has a giant golden baby eat him. Szayel is reborn by raping Nemu again, but he finds that he actually ate a unique version of the drug called "Speed" which gives fast reaction times, but it somehow causes him to believe every second is a whole damn century. Basically he is stoned. Kurotsuchi then stabs him through the heart with his sword and leaves him to become a statue for birds to poo on.

Aaroniero Arruruerie

Monster big2

Aaroniero in all his colorful glory!

Number Nine of the Espada, and a former guitarist, now is a rapper. The secret lovechild of Robert De Niro and Aaron Eckart (Two-Face), Aaroniero is the oldest of the Espada and started off life as a pair of conjoined goldfish twins. They were split apart at a young age and placed into an cylinder-shaped fishbowl which serves as Aaroniero's head. He dresses in frilly clothes and covers his fishbowl head with a mask previously owned by Jason Voorhees before his 397th death. At some point in his life, Aaroniero swallowed a Hollow, along with a Soul Reaper named Kaien Shiba, Ichigo Kurosaki's emo cousin. Aaroniero gained all of Kaien's memories, powers and his body which people refer to as "bootilicious". He lives in a large tower with a phallic appearance where no sunlight is allowed, and it wrinkles his fishbowl head. He encounters Rukia Kuchiki when she wanders into his tower and they fight, Aaroniero going into his Kaien form and taunts Rukia. He eventually asplodes by releasing his zanpakuto mode, transforming into a massive purple mass of playdough. He fights Rukia until he impales her on his sword, but Rukia, about to die, activates her zanpakuto and stabs Aaroniero through the head. Kaien's form dies and then Aaroniero's whole body dramatically explodes. The two goldfish, now two weird looking faces both die - Aaron Eckart's fishead dies screaming and cursing Aizen and kitten huffing whilst De Niro's fishead dies as a badass, saying "Are you talking to me?". Aaroniero's death would lead to the future and predicted downfall of the Espada.

Yammy Rialgo

Chris Rock Yammy

When one tickles Yammy's curiousity, he becomes rather excited. Um yeah, lets not do that

Number Ten of the Espada (Correction, Number Zero. What, you thought it had to be the numbers 1-10?), and the drummer. He used to be an orangutan before becoming an Espada band member, and was not a Hollow. Some people believe he may be Bowser in secret. He often has to rely on Ulquiorra to understand stuff, since he is very stupid. He dyed his eyebrows orange to look like Guy Ritchie, but how the two look alike is a mystery. Yammy has no superpowers but spends a lot of time throwing people out of windows and flexing his muscles. Yammy thinks he is a bear and likes beating up bees and pigs. Yammy doesn't really do much in the band, as he is usually too wasted or stoned to be capable of doing anything. He has suffered a crushing defeat from Ishida who struck him a missile and sent him crashing down through all the floors of that building place. Pissed off, Yammy devoured Mario's magic mushroom, making him grow a hundred times bigger. After Ulquiorra's death, Yammy left fans reeling when he randomly declared himself the true lead singer and promoted himself to the Zero Espada and revealed himself to not be a mutated Pokemon, but really a dinosaurian version of Brian Blessed. He also reveals to be the illegitimate child of the Incredible Hulk, allowing his already gigantic body to grow even bigger whenever he gets pissed.

Recurring Members

Recurring members of the Espada were former primary musicians but were either kicked out, killed or demoted to permanent backup signers (like Scatch and Grounder).

Neliel Tu Oderschvank

Centaur

Nel shortly before being kicked out of the band.

Better known as Nel Tu, Neilel is the original Number Three of the band and a superb singer and guitarist. She was also a fashion modeland everyone loved her well-endorsed body. However, she was in a relationship with Nnoitra, who was Number Eight at the time of Nel's presence in the Espada. Nnoitra got jealous of Nel due to her superior skills, and with help from Szayel, he manages to attack Nel and her groupies with a crazed cat-throwing old lady, shattering Nel's mask and causing her to vanish. Everyone believed her to be dead. However, Nel survived but caught the Chibi Virus which changed her into a three-year old. She became a crazy, immature girl with a love for Super Sentai. Nel and her groupies met Ichigo, Tite Kubo and Chad of the Bleach fashion series when they arrived in Hueco Mondo Groovy Babyland, Nel growing attached to Ichgio and becoming a companion to him. She later encountered Nnoitra again and when he started whooping Ichigo, Nel managed to asplode into her true form and beat Nnoitra's ass until she transformed back to her child form, due to the fact she is secretly a coin-operated machine. Her groupies are Pesche, a strange insect man, Dondochakka, a crazy tiki man who is overemotional, and a giant maggot named Bawabawa. She's got boobs.

Luppi

Luppi was Grimmjow's temporary replacement in the band and Number Six. He is a crossdresser, and a drag queen, and a possible transexual. He has been confirmed to actually heterosexaul, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrasexual, pansexual, transexual and omnisexual. He is also really weird. He can sprout eight tentacles when he uses for tentacle rape on his victims. Thankfully, the creep is killed by Grimmjow who blows his chest out with a Falcon Punch.

The Privaron Espada

The Privaron Espada are not named after toilets but are backup singers and musicians who used to be main band members but were demoted for better ones. The three battle the Bleach fashion models during the early events of the Hueco Mondo Groovy Babyland fights. The three members are Dordonii Alessandra Del Socacchio, Cirucci Thunderwitch and Gantenbainne Mosqueda. Dordonii is a crazy Spanish matadors, superhero and disco dancer whom fights Ichigo but dies, Cirucci is a weird lady who can transform into a giant bird but she is defeated by Ishida, and Gantenbainne is a badass motown fella with a big orange on his head. He is still alive.

Groupies

No great rockband is complete without a host of groupies to support the band and likely get it on with them when the band members get drunk. The Groupies are known as Fraccion.

Wonderweiss Margera: A strange retarded pretty boy who doesn't really have a place in the rockband. He was surprisingly born by Aizen and ended up as a strange drooling kid who sits around all day and acts very much like a dog. He becomes quite attached to Rick James and seems to hate Ichimaru. Despited being braindead, Wonderweiss is hinted to be a very powerful groupie, and has since been promoted to becoming a roadie, and appears during the fight with Aizen and the remaining band members against Gotei 13, bringing with him and big thing called Superchunky. When Superchunky gets wasted, Wonderweiss gets pissed, and fights with Kensei Muguruma. Unfortunately, Wonderwisse's ADHD caused him to get bored, so he decided to release into some retarded water pokemon and drool all over Yamamoto, keeping him from using fire blast technique. Wonderweisse gets wasted by Yamamoto's Double Boner/Double Falcon Punch attack, causing him to use Self-Destruct.

Tesla: Nnoitra's sole groupie and love child of Timon and Pumba. He's short, silent, and has an eye patch as a tribute to his leader. He is also well regarded as Nnoitra's stress reliever as he is constantly pumbled, slapped, bitched, and kicked around like he is nothing (fuckin toolbag). He is somewhat cool with the whole loyal, but silent aura and he's got the coolest sword out of anybody in Aizen's army. He held the honor of beating the crap outta Ichigo in his overgrown pig form till Kenpachi cut him down the middle.

Rudobon: Leading of the band's security officers, so he is technically not a groupie. He wears the skull of a bull, and is loyal to Aizen, often humping his leg. Not much can be said about him because he isn't a really interesting character, but his released form has him transforming into a raping tree and he attempts to molest Rukia only to be Falcon Punched aside by Yammy when he falls drunkly down a hole.

Loly and Menoly: Two teenage girl groupies are your cliche fangirls, worshiping the ground Aizen walks on. While they are attractive, they are both sadistic and wear dodgy clothes. When Orihime Inoue, a beloved angelic-like fashion model is brought to Hueco Mondo Groovy Land, the two go crazy and attempt to destroy her. Thankfully, they are Hulk Smashed by Yammy whilst on a drunk rampage. Loly's released form transformed her into Giratina.

Lilinette: Stark's little sister, or possible daughter. Sure she's annoying, throws tantrums and is a child, but she is so cute, has cool hair and eye colours, somehow hides her sword in her helmet and fuses with Stark to become a gun. That's badass. Lilinette is a walking cure to Stark's hangovers, curing him by punching him in the mouth and then kicking him in the netheregions. But how she eats, sleeps and removes waste as a gun is a mystery.

Avirama Redder: A Native American who is one of Barragan's groupies. A very weird man, Avirama likes to intimidate an audience or enemies by farting loudly. He fights depressing emo Izuru Kira during the Battle of the Bands, but ends up losing his head in the process. Avirama can transform into a Fearow.

Charlotte Cuuhlhourne: AAGH! MY EYES! Charlotte is a transexual man who really should not be directly looked at for fear of petrification, loss of eyes due to them melting, mental scarring and general discomfort. Fighting Yumichika Ayasegawa (Fancypants) proves to be his undoing, as Yumichika rapes him using his real zanpakuto powers. Charlotte fakes his death and now stars in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Findor Carias: An incompetent dude who takes steroids to grow stronger. He has the ability to transform into a Kingler, and is an asshole. He is killed by Shuhei Hisagi and his badass zanpakuto.

Choe Neng Poww: A really tall Asian man with a fantastic chin. Constantly stoned, Choe Neng Poww finds everything stressful and tiresome. He is quite strong, easily owning Ikkaku Madarame is battle. He transforms into a Wailord, but this slows him down even more. He is killed by Sajin Komamura's bankai ability, smashed over the head with a giant broken bottle.

Nirgge Parduoc: A large stupid man who can transform into a green-skinned Donphan. One of Barragan's groupies and drug addicts, Nirgge turned green after smoking too much weed. He is killed by Marechiyo Omaeda.

Ggio Vega: A man-woman who looks like Soifon. Ggio is the last of Barragan's groupies to survive, but ends up taking steroids and becomes Tony the Tiger. Soifon kills him by removing his lungs. Not so gggrrrreat now.

Apache: Some psycho tomboy bitch with OK boobs and some wierd eye tattoo thing. She's one of Halibel's groupies and constantly gets into catfights with Mila-Rose. She once got beat up as a child and got a real bad black eye, which is why you can see red around her eye. Apache can tear off her arm along with the other Halibel groupies to summon some giant monster pig dumbfuck thing named Shao Kahn. Seeing how this leaves her unable to play her PSP, this is a horrible idea. She was killed by Yamamoto's Flame War with Shao Kahn. Her release state turns her into a Stantler with boobs.

Mila-Rose: A really hot Amazon chick who gets into bitch-slap wars with Apache. Mila-Rose is Halibel's other groupy. She was killed during the flame war between some old fuck and Shao Kahn. Her release turns her into Lady Gaga trying to film some music video.

Sunsun: Luppi's older sister and another of Halibel's groupies. She tries to keep Apache and Mila-Rose at peace, but ends up getting trampled by them. She faked her death and now stars in the hit comedy, "Luppi and Sunsun." Her release turns her into an Arbok.

Personal tools
projects