Eschatological Weather Report

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Nighthawkapo

"Eschatalogical Weather Report"

Artist - Tom Waits
Album - The End Times
Recorded - March 2023
Released - Unreleased
Genre - jazz
Record Label - Asylum
Length - 6:66

Eschatological Weather Report is a song by the prolific and influential cult-musician Tom Waits. Recorded for the first and only time in late 2023[1] the song was intended to be released on Waits' forthcomming album The End Times. The song was recorded live in front of a small hipster audience. The lyrics - essentially a poem set to music - were growled by Tom Waits. He was accompanied by The Four Horsemen - a jazz quartet comprising; Bill "Pestilence" Goodwin on drums, a post-op Pete "Famine" Christlieb on tennor sax, Mike "War" Melvoin taking Waits' piano duties when he was too drunk to play himself and finally the now deceased Jim "Death" Hughart at the upright bass.

edit Destruction

Unfortunately, later that year, the tapes of The End Times live session were destroyed when the ground below the recording studio cracked open, forming a chasm which swallowed the entire city.

Waits was out of town at the time and so survived. He reportedly toyed with the idea of re-recording the Eschatological Weather Report for a single release but this was sadly made infeasable by the eventual destruction and rebirth of the planet in fire the following year, at which time recording studios, electricity, the tennor sax[2] and in fact Tom Waits himself were lost forever.

All that survived of the song are the lyrics, which were found under rubble, etched on the formica wall of a toilet stall in a downtown LA diner

edit Lyrics


well, an innebriated good evening to you all
welcome to raphael's underground lounge
I wanna pull on your coat about something here, yeah
little news i'd like to throw in your direction

i know things are tough all over,
they ain't getting any better
well i was moved, to spin a little eschatological weather report your way

what we're talking about is late night and early morning low temperatures
with a chance of rastafarian fog
chance of showers into the afternoon
with variable high fireiness
and gusty winds,
gusty winds at times uprooting trees and mountains
yeah i know, things are tough all over

when the thunder storms start increasing over the southeast and south central portions of my apartment, I know Zeus is upset
and a line of thunderstorms was developing in the early morning hours ahead of a cold front to end cold fronts
cold blooded
with tornado watches issued shortly before noon Sunday, and fire raining from the sky,
ladies and gentlemen, I'd stay home

still cold out there
spring ain't coming
colder than Sköll's smile at the Ámsvartnir lake, on a Saturday night
poison flood water covered the southern portion of the globe
there was severe weather well into the afternoon, the skies tore and the seas began to boil

high pressure zone,
covering the eastern portion of jeruselem,
Gog and Magog look wild
and a weak pressure front leading the dead through the streets
cause since your teachings left us buddha
and the sun disappeared from the sky
well, the extended outlook for an indefinite period of time until you come back to us haile
is fire tonight, war tomorrow,
and precipitation is expected


edit References

  • Eicher, Dave J., The Longest Night: The Day the Sun Vanished, Simon & Schuster, 2037, ISBN 0-684-84944-5.
  • Christ, Jesus H., How to Win Followers and Subjugate People, Frederick A. Praeger, 2051.
  • Fuller, Maj. Gen. J. F. C., The Battle of Jeruselem, Da Capo Press, 2029, ISBN 0-306-80450-6.
  • Vishnu, Shiva, and Shakti, samsāra: the déjà vu of reincarnation, University of Illinois Press, 15th ed, 2283, ISBN 0-252-00918-5.
  • Kennedy, John F., Fom Hell, The Rise and Rise of Baldr, Houghton Mifflin Co., 2070, ISBN 0-395-74012-6.

edit Footnotes

  1. Not writing about the future, writing about the past from the future, but only hypothetically mind, I am not a time traveler
  2. The soprano and barritone saxophones were also wiped from existence during the apocalypse, only the alto survives

edit External Links

Personal tools
projects