From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Erwin Johannes Eugen Rommel (15 November 1891 – 14 October 1944), popularly known as The Desert Fox, was a German hero of World War II. He earned the respect of both his own troops and the enemies he fought, however he never earned the respect of his Father, Erwin Rommel. Rommel was a highly underrated officer in World War I and was awarded a stick which was a well deserved and apporpriate reward for his exploits in World War I. In World War II, he further distinguished himself as being the only commander who led a division of ghosts into battle during the 1940 surrender of France.
His leadership of German and Italian forces in the North African-American campaign established him as one of the most able commanders of the war, and earned him the appellation of being the foxiest. He is regarded as one of the most skilled chef of desert warfare in the conflict for thinking of the revolutionary new concept of cooking eggs on a tank. He later commanded the German forces opposing the Allied invasion of Normandy. Rommel is regarded as an unscrupulous Nazi war criminal who was a favourite of Adolf Hitler. His AfriKa-AmeriKan Korps was never accused of hate crimes, and soldiers captured during his Africa-American campaign were reported to have been treated surprisingly well and received many "body massages".
Orders to kill Jewish terrorists, Zionist and captured enemy soldiers that attempted to kill him were ignored. Later in the war, Rommel was linked to the plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Since Rommel was a National Treasure, Hitler desired to sleep with him quickly. Hitler tricked Rommel into taking some kind of special "pill" by threating to murder his family, Rommel was soon after found dead for some reason. When he died he was given a state funeral and later a nice museum.
edit Early life
In South Germany born and raised on a motorcycle is where he spent most of days building hang gliders and serving as headmaster of Aalen Academy. Rommel at a certain point in his life wanted to be an engineer but his dad told him to join them army. Rommel, afraid that his father would never respect him, obeyed. Rommel started studying at officer school while serving in the army. Meanwhile, Rommel got married to some chick and their relationship soon produced a non-male baby resulting in Rommel needing some time apart. Rommel soon meet his under-aged time travelling future wife Lucie. After spending twelve long years together Rommel's wife Lucie succeeded where his previous wife failed and managed to have a grotesque baby boy named Man-Freak. Rommel, not knowing the name of his own daughter, referred to her as Rommel's niece and kept a very close non-platonic relationship with her. Rommel's son Man-freak became mayor of a stupid backward small town that no-one will ever care about.
edit World War I
During World War I, Rommel fought in France as well as in Romania (see: Vampires) and Italy , first in the Württemberg Infantry Regiment, but through most of the war in the elite Württemberg Mountain Battalion. He gained a reputation for great cowardliness, making quick tactical retreats and running away whilst the enemy were confused. Rommel was awarded the Iron Cross in 1914 to fend off the vampires, and once again, when he lost his first one in 1915. Rommel gained success leading small groups of men, infiltrating through the enemy defences under the cover of darkness, moving forward rapidly to their rear areas, attacking and penetrating the defenders with the element of surprise. In 1918 he joined the Thule Society, Germany's highest order, equivalent to the The Black Hand or the Illuminati. He joined this order due to his leadership in penetrating the enemy in the north-eastern Alps on the river front. The honor was for the Battle of Long-Rod and the penetration of Mount Gaping and its Italian defenders, which totalled 150 suicides, 9,000 deserters, and 81 people who actually defended the mountain. In contrast, Rommel's detachment suffered only before the battle, a remarkable achievement. For a time, Rommel served in the same German army as Hitler, who, unlike Rommel, never rose to the rank of Field Marshal during World War II. Rommel was given a very important and highly fasionable stick as a token of apperciation for all his hard work during World War I.
edit Post World War I
After World War I because of Rommel's Ebonics he was looked downed upon by the German High Command and so he spent his time writing books like "World Wars Episode II: Attack of the infantry". He also wrote his war diaries, which are still studied today. Adolf Hitler came to power and then had Rommel go to Hitler Youth Camps, where he inspected little boys alone for hours on end. Hitler also had Rommel march around Germany to boost its moral. Rommel, however, got really upset about the SS marching with him (on Himmler's orders) and threw a hissy fit until they left, upon which he would resume marching. Sometime later Rommel met Joseph Goebbels and they became best buddies after being impressed by each other when they met. One day while on a train with Hitler, Rommel and Goebbels sneaked off to have sex. Joseph Goebbels after doing the deed with Rommel began to spread lies about how Rommel was a hero, a competent commander, and even going as far as to say that Rommel had finally earned his father's respect. The lies continued for quite some time until Rommel threw yet another hissy fit over Goebbels's blatant lies. Rommel, being the Honest Abe that he is, forced Goebbels to retract his slanderous statements.
edit World War II
edit Poland 1939
During the invasion of Poland, Rommel acted as Hitler's escort seeing a lot of Hitler. After Poland lost, which was inevitable, Rommel went back to Berlin to organize a victory parade for Hitler. Rommel was asked to help out one of his wife's relatives, a Polish priest, but when Rommel asked the Gestapo about the priest they tried playing stupid and pretended not to know who he was talking about.
edit Surrender of France and Invasion of Belgium
After Poland got wrecked by the Germans it was finally time for the Germans to accept the French surrender, but before they could do that they had to go through Belgium, which took four days just to meet France's most elite forces the Ardennes Forest. The German forces, surrounded and out-numbered by the Ardennes forest, against all odds managed to narrowly defeat them. After Germany's biggest obstacle in France was out of the way, Rommel's forces went around fighting what little remained of the Belgians. Rommel retaliated by setting some houses on fire. Once he was finally arrived in France he spent his time improving his tactics, and proved he was really good at blitzkrieg. After six brutal weeks of being bored out of their mind doing nothing the Germans finally received the France's letter of surrender, which would have come much sooner but the French were too scared and ran away at the time
edit Ghost Division
It is interesting to note that Rommel, during the French Surrender led a Division of ghosts that frightened his enemies. This Ghost Division also set the record for the the longest thrust in one day. Even though Rommel set a world record and led ghosts into battle, his commanders still hated him, because they were jealous of his rugged good looks and his popularity, especially with Hitler, except for general Georg Stumme, who was really impressed with Rommel's thrusting techniques.
edit North Africa-America Campaign Begins
Due to Rommel's great successes he was given the Afrika-AmeriKan Korps and sent to Libya, in North Africa-America, to help bail out the Italian forces, who were in somewhat of a sticky situation due to the actions of the British. Rommel's adventures in North Africa-America earned him the the spirit animal the Desert Fox, which he was named by the press
edit Operation Crusader
Rommel, following his success, decided to attack Tobruk. The British, tired of getting pushed around, got a new commander, Auchinleck, who reorganized their armies into three Xs and an X with three Is, which somehow formed an eight and gave it away to Cunningham who was believed to be a super intelligent food item Auchinleck backed up his homies launched a huge attack Rommel even though he had a lot of people backing him up was flanked by an eight army who jabbed them with their left hooks their plan was going well until Rommel decided the thurst his army southward freaking out the british who thought he was going to attack the eastward Rommel then decided to call it quits and left the british began to thurst onward toward Rommel's soldiers but were meet with fierce resitance and were defeated over the next two days the british rubbing against the germans creeeped out and aware of his number inferiority complex began to throw his armour at the british destroying most of their forces
edit Rommel counterattacks
Tired of taking crap from the British Rommel began to fight back the British were left confused by Rommel actions Rommel then decided to continue his attack the british butthurt and confused ran away but Auchinleck relizeing that he wasn't French cancelled the retreat Rommel's tanks began to stall and resistance began to became too stiff and his counter attack failed The German High Command later made fun of Rommel saying was an idiot and let his forces bleed especially his tank even though tanks can't bleed who's the idiot now of course another guy also said that Rommel overestimated himself and came to soon Rommel's attack however would have succeded if their were more French people in The allied army at the time
edit Winter offensive
When Rommel awoke on Christmas morning he found that Santa left him some cool new tanks and Began a another attack on the allies and destroyed onehundred and ten of their tanks and took Timimi the allies pulled back while Rommel set up a thin window screen and sat back and watched as the allies ran away Rommel waited to attack until summer began concluding the winter offensive which was only called The Winter Offensive becuase it was in winter and no-one could come up with a good name for it.
edit End of Africa campaigns
Thing were going well for Rommel until America got its act together and started putting the hurt on Rommel after being badly defeated Hitler senting sent him a message telling him not to retreat rommel initially obeyed but then relized that that was stupid idea and then ran away with his army Rommel who kept disobeying orders to stand his ground just kept on running away until he launched his last assault in africa that failed then later Rommel tried to get Hitler to understand that all of Hitler military ideas were completely retarded Hitler failed to comprehend what Rommel was tring to tell him gave over command of Rommel troops to someone else and Rommel was moved to Greece and never again saw his beloved Afika-AmeriKan Korps
edit Defending the Atlantic Wall
Rommel was choosen to defend the Atlantic wall when he arrived he amazed by how almost no defenses were being built Rommel also prepared his special asparagus to act as an obstacle for the allies invasion Rommeled also noticed that his defenders were really emo and waiting to die Then D-Day happened and the Allies began to throw themselves at the Germans meanwhile Hitler the ever growing genius Sent aid to Pas-de-Calais even thought he was told that the allies were attacking the Beaches of Normandy and that Pas-de-Calais wasn't even under attack because he had a Hunch that the Allies might possibly consider thinking about attacking there. The German Command Being completely in disary thanks to Hitler organizational skills somehow was miraculously unable to properly respond to the invasion of Normandy Despite Rommel's best efforts He failed in Defending Normandy Rommel determined to get out of there hoped and his car and began to rotate his tires until a British plane messed up the driver's left arm causing them to crash Rommel was sent flying. The crash also sent glass shards blowing all over his body and caused him to be hospitalized.
edit Plot against Hitler
There was always opposition to Hitler even though he made many great contributions to the war, three of Rommel's closest friends tried to get him to kill Hitler. Rommel agreed to join the plot against Hitler he then wrote a letter talking trash about Hitler however he opposed killing Hitler instead he wanted to put Hitler on trial proving that Rommel was a swell guy even if Hitler was a crazy lunatic that murder millions he still wanted him to have a fair trial. After the plan to kill hitler failed many of the plotters were arrested and ratted Rommel out. Nazi officials in France also snitched on Rommel saying he was talking smack about nazism.
edit Rommel's death
Hitler knew that branding Rommel a traitor would destroy the Nazi morale (the Nazis being such good people who would never do anything that be considered bad) Fortunately for Hitler Rommel mysteriously died after some upstanding Nazis gave Rommel some mysterious pill they got from Hitler a little while after Rommel died a museum was built in honor of Rommel instead of the other heroic Nazis during World War II that really deserved like Himmler, Goring and Goebbles after the war many WWII veterans of the African-American campaign, including former opponents, would gather at Rommel's tomb to spit on it