England
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
“Spiffing place, indeed.”
~ Oscar Wilde on England
“Well, this is shit.”
~ Every single English person ever on everything
| |||||
| Motto: "I'm not a racist but..." (formerly "Tally Ho! What what. Jolly good show.") | |||||
| Anthem: "God Smite the Scots, the bloody French, the Germans, etc." | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Wintanceastre | ||||
| Largest city | Eoforwic | ||||
| Official languages | Hindi, Pakistani, Iranian, Arabic, Chavish, Ald Englisc, Wanker (see Cockney). | ||||
| Government | Scottish Over-Class, English Under-Class. | ||||
| Elderman | The Queen | ||||
| National Hero(es) | |||||
| Declaration | |||||
| Currency | Crumpets, Scones and Biscuits | ||||
| Religion | Football | ||||
| Population | Total: 60,000,000 Foreigners: 60,000,000 Racists: 100% and climbing Chavs: Too many to count Bloody French: None that live... Germans: The Monarchy | ||||
| Area | 32 Square scones | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Moaning about the weather, moaning about queues, moaning about politicians and moaning about foreigners. And not being American. | ||||
England (occasionally known as ENG-A-LUUUNNND!!!!, from the Old Germanic term for "pissed football hooligans") refers to the place Chris Columbus told everyone he was from when he invented America, the land of the free. People from England are most famous for wearing a suit and tie, a top hat and a monocle, along with a funny curly moustache and poorly looked-after teeth; an attire which is pursued totally regardless of the occasion. It is not currently known how the English female dresses, although speculative theories suggest that they would dress in some sort of appropriate garb. Another notable attribute of the English is the funny way in which they speak. They seem to omit most of their Rs - unless they are Northern and thus have too much Rs! - and most of their dialect tends to comprise of "Mm, quite!", "Spot on, old chap!", "Ah, jolly good!" or some variant. We have yet to comment on this, though, as we feel that they may be making fun of us, so we usually laugh nervously and look the other way, or change the subject.
History
- See main article History of England for an alternative history.
England was founded in 1950 by Hengist The Striker and Horsa The Goalkeeper out of the penal colony Englalond that was built to house prisoners from Denmark, Germany and the Low Countries. The Old English were heathens and worshipped the religion of Football - with the great coach Woden and the star-player Thunor. Tiw was the goalkeeper, Ing was the defender and Eostre and Frige were the cheerleaders. The Great Football Match of Muþspell (which the Norse call Ragnarok) is to be played against Ettinham United and its star player Grendel at the end of the world. The referee will be Earendil.
The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass. Then the Irish were discovered. In 1956 AD a moat was established to separate Britain and Ireland. It proved to be ineffective as after a couple of drinks, the Irish found they could swim. Since then various other methods have been used to disassociate themselves from the Irish, such as devolution. The current strategy is for English people to pretend they like them, in the hope that the Irish will retreat with a nervous smile, saying something like "I just remembered something I have to do". It is, as yet, proving ineffective. After another year of trying, the English plan to be even more forward with the Irish - maybe even putting a hand on their thigh while chatting with the rest of Europe in the pub - in the hopes that Ireland will express its homophobia and finally retreat. It has been acknowledged that this plan could possibly backfire, and that, should Ireland respond positively, England may have to get off with Ireland. The foreign secretary has said that this is a "risk [England is] willing to take". Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in the Witangemot (the English parliament).
England has been invaded at various points throughout its history. Fortunately, every invader mysteriously became English when they took over, thus leaving England undefeated. This was extremely lucky as in 1966, the bloody French won their first (and last) war against England and a large seed known as William the Conker took over. He was followed by a long line of foreigners who thought they were English, hence if asked to speak the Queen's English, you are actually being asked to speak German.
England's history is filled with wars, many of which are explained later on in the article. It has had nearly as many wars in its history as America has had in the last 10 years! This shows England could be considered to be a war-mongering country, but we all know really it was always someone else's fault. Those unarmed tribesmen looked at us in a funny way.
Contrary to popular belief, England was unfortunately NOT struck by a great Iceberg; that only happened in the movie. After the 70s, it is also NOT' being continuously invaded by aliens as it says on New Doctor Who. That's
Cardiff.
Hatred of the bloody French
The one thing hated most by English people - well known for their grumpiness - is foreigners. Of all of the foreigners, there are one group who are detested by the English. The bloody French. The bloody French are the complete opposite of the English. They always lose wars, they smell and no one likes them (though the same could be said about the English for the last point). To lose against the bloody French at anything is considered a great dishonour, and anyone who does are immediately exiled off to one of England's dumping grounds like Australia or America .
The greatest practical joke ever played on the bloody French by the English occurred during WW2 when the bloody French fleet was laying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, bloody French North Africa were wiped out by elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranean Fleet. Oh how DeGaulle and Churchill laughed about that in later years.
The Chav Tribes
The Chav tribes infest England. They infest every town and city, and will soon become unstoppable if not dealt with. They possess a very limited intelligence and can barely string a coherent sentence together, much like the Americans. They are often found down alleyways after a successful hunt in the local supermarket.
Cheap alcohol and McDonald's is their primary food source, and they are often seen to worship people such as Wayne Rooney and Victoria Beckham as great Chavic gods. Chavs are one of the main worshipers of the religion of football (England's main religion) but are heretical because thet adhere to it differently. Their knowledge is generally passed mouth to mouth ,though occasionally Chavs known as Graffitiests scribe their knowledge onto other peoples property. With each passing day, the Chav tribes numbers swell. Some cities have become impassible with the pure amount of Chavs filling the streets.
To counter the Chavic problem, many northern towns use Chavic hordes a a foederati against rampaging Scotsmen. This approach has been proven effective in many cases but many foederati tribesmen have turned to pillaging the towns that they were meant to protect.
High-class chav males who can shoplift their own weight in Burberry in one session compete at the greyhound tracks for the affections of the most beautiful of English women, known as English Roses on account of the number of pricks in their bushes.
Politics
Every inhabitant of England except for Chavs and foreigners (so not really anyone at all) has tea with the Queen once a day, where they discuss matters of state, such as the price of tea and the empire. The Queen doesn't actually listen to the nasty commoners, instead she just nods and smiles, all the while thinking how ugly poor people look.
There are elections, though it doesn't really matter who you vote as everyone knows the Queen decides anyway. One of her hobbies along with hunting poor defenceless animals like commoners, is making up stupid policies for politcal parties. She even lets her husband nazi have a go by allowing him a party to suit his moderate tastes - the BNP.
To get involved in politics there is very specific criteria, such as being old, unlikeable and certainly not black. Preferably you must be Scottish and grumpy
Foreign Policy
The English foreign policy is simple. Just do what the Americans do. It has replaced the previous policy of nabbing land off of uncivilised tribes(most foreigners).
Currency
The currency of England is the Crumpet, with smaller currency being Scones and Biscuits. 8 crumpets are worth around one US dollar, depending on the price of olive oil. Many outspoken Chavs have spoken (well at least tried to) out against the crumpet, since they're not posh enough to use this currency. They'd much rather have beer. The other choice for currency is the pound, which is a beating typically delivered with the hands, feet and teeth. Traditional advocates of the pound suggest that while everyone can be beaten within an inch of their life, not everyone is able to procure a crumpet. Chavs have taken this a step further and just beat you and run off with your stuff. Some people think the Euro is actually the currency but these people don't know that England is not part of Europe so that would never happen.
- 10 Scones are worth 1 biscuit.
- 5 Biscuits are worth 1 crumpet.
- 1 Crumpet is worth...erm, 1 crumpet.
So, if a hot crumpet in Mrs Miggin's Tea-Shop costs 4 crumpets and I have 356 biscuits in my wallet, what day is it in France?
Sports
It is common knowledge that England invented all sports. It is also common knowledge that if the sport turns out to be any good, then England immediately become rubbish at it. England's national sport should not be confused with its religion, football. Its actual national sport is Tiddlywinks.
England has a tradition of being knocked out in the quarter finals of any competition. Failure to live up to this tradition is seen as disrespectful and should be avoided. Occasionally they like to get knocked out in the final, though this is a rare occurrence (the chances of England getting to a final is next to nothing).
Religion
England's main religion is that of football. The players are worshipped by Chav kind, who make up about half of the population. Should a match result go badly,then it is a sign that the Gods are displeased. To placate them, the fans often go on drunken rampages and try to beat up as many of the opposite teams fans as possible.
The major living spiritual leader is Great High Wizard Beckham. Another well-loved leader is Jesus who played in goal for England's world cup victory of 1966. A very important part of football is money. Money can be used for bribery or buying up all the best players. A cheap player generally costs about about 10 crumpets or £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The money is offered to appease the Gods.
Many foreign countries claim to have beaten England at various football matches, though everyone knows England haven't been beaten once. They have in fact lost thousands of games.
Military
See also America.
England has a finely trained army or Fyrd (or Feared as most armies fear facing English warriors), who can take on the most powerful enemies, the mighty ANT. Many of the battles throughout England's history consist of a great army of tribesmen armed with very sharp sticks and pieces of fruit. Facing this terrible foe are the completely outnumbered and outgunned English who only have machine guns, artillery and tanks to defend themselves with, yet they can still emerge triumphant.
It is incredibly dangerous to come between an Englishman and his cup of tea. Most of the famous battles throughout recent history have taken place because of this, including the horrific massacre at the Battle of Waterloo where Napoleon was hogging the sugarbowl.
Throughout history, the English military has enjoyed access to the finest hardware and equipment in the world. Whether fighting a guerilla army during the American Revolutionary War while wearing bright red dress uniforms visible from space, to happily pootling around the pleasure gardens of Iraq and Afghanistan in the heavily armored Snatch landrover (named after the tight cunts running the MoD), the English soldier can be sure that his leaders are fully behind him, usually by several thousand miles.
Famous English Conflicts
Battle of Hastings Direct
This battle all started over car insurance. Esure thought they had the best insurance deals, but Hastings Direct disagreed. This was followed by a bloody conflict, in which the Esure mouse defeated Harod. from that day forward, it was decided that compare the market.com would decide who offered the best car insurance.
The Great Scottish Wars
The area which became Scotland has always been hated by the world. So much so that the Romans built a wall to keep the Scots out. The hatred of Scotland was revived when the English founded their nation. Throughout England's history, the Scots have always been attacked as they lacked the intelligence to actually win a war. It made good sport for the English and was always good for a laugh. Whats not to like about a hairy Scotsman running at you screaming with no weapons?
Hundred Years War
The French King of England was bored one day so he decided to create a war against the easiest targets. The bloody French King and his armies. The war did not actually last for 100 years as everyone back then were illiterate. Instead it lasted 5 minutes until the bloody French surrendered.
War of the Roses
The English gardeners started a fight over the issue of "which roses are more beautiful – the red or the white ones?" A similar dilemma emerged many years later in Russia proving that England is far more advanced than Russia in that respect.
The Spanish Armada
The Spanish prepared an invasion fleet of 240 ships. During their voyage they met the greatest defense. English weather. As it rained all of the time they got depressed. Also a slight breeze wiped out most of the fleet so they took the hint and headed home
English Civil War
As it was a civil war, everyone was very nice to each other about it. It was not a barbaric revolution like in other countries, but instead was a peaceful beheading of the King and the destruction of his army.
American Revolution
A group of colonials decided to make the worlds largest cup of tea by pouring all their tea supplies into Boston harbour. England was forced to declare war as they did not put the milk in first. 30000 English regulars faced 10000 colonial militia. The English won most of the battles, captured most of the cities and lost all of the war. All in all, a similar performance to its sports teams.
Crimean War
One of England's greatest military victories occurred here. This was the charge of the light brigade. England cunningly made its elite troops run into a valley full of cannons to work out where they were. The plan was successful as the trail of bodies led directly to the cannons.
Scramble for Africa
The small English force of 10 men defeated 5000,000,000,000 Zulus blindfolded. It was a close battle with one English soldier grazing his knee. The Zulus never released their version of the battle.
WW1
The English used a brilliant new tactic in this war. It involved running at the enemy machine guns with a target painted on their chest. They believed this was th last thing the Germans would expect so they repeated this throughout the war. Amazingly the Germans seemed to be able to predict this move a gunned them all down. It was suggested that the Germans had a high ranking spy. and the Scots did all the work.
WW2
England didn't really care about Hitler until part way through the war. He invaded France. the English were horrified at this, as they wanted to be the ones to do it. In an epic fight the English fought to the last bloody Frenchman (killing the last few themselves) and than bravely fled across the Channel.
This was followed by the Battle of Britain which involved getting bombed continuously util the Germans finally ran out of bombs and had to give up. Then the English and their much-hated Scottish and Welsh allies, feeling sorry for the Germans, decided to give them back all their metal by bombing Germany.
Towards the end of the war there was the battle of Normandy. this gave the English the chance to finally invade France and get away with it as it had Germans in it. They used this same excuse when they blew up the bloody French fleet.
War for Indian Independence
The British Empire, including England and Scotland, beat the hell out of the Indians and then granted them independence.
The MP War
A day where every English citizen (plus their slaves) and newspaper decided that they fervently hated every politician, MP and government official. A war was started in the name of Bob Hope's ghost who led the Chavtastic army to freedom from the MP oppressors, now branded as paedophile terrorists who hate kittens and are thus reelected in a massive landslide which they regard as a huge mandate from the people to take as much for themselves and their friends as they can get their hands on.
Tourism
Who in their right mind would want to go on holiday to England? Apparently Danes, Swedes and Norwegians, who loved to visit the English monastries, after witnessing the beautiful spectacle of the English abroad.
People who are not English
- The Queen - (German)
- Gerry Adams - (IRA)
- Madonna. (American, no Italian, um?)
Gordon Brownwho?- Tony Blair - (
ScottishWithout Nationality) - The Duke of Edinburgh - (Danish-Greek)
- Oscar Wilde - (Uncyclopedian)
- The Welsh (Welsh)
- The Scots (Scottish)
- Scousers (God knows...probably Norse and Irish)
- Danger Mouse (Not actually a real person)
- Henry VIII (Welsh!)
See Also
- Margaret Thatcher
- Beckham
- Eastenders
- Iron Maiden
- The Beatles
- British Line of Succession
- Church of England
- The Former Great Britian
- Worst 100 Locations of All Time
- Cullompton
- Scalby
References
Barmy British Stuff 
