From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“English is a language in which any form of any word is completely and utterly possible.”
“English is the only language that beats up other languages in a dark alley and rummages around in their pockets for spare vocabulary.”
“In Soviet Russia, English speaks YOU!!”
English is a language that was developed throughout the middle ages by bored, illiterate sheep, until 22 years ago it was adopted as the official language of Barack Obama, and thus became the most common language on Earth. After development, it was sold to the English in 1601, who promptly gave it to King James I as a coronation present. After the English decided to take over the world, the English language spread all over the world. Repeated attempts to introduce it to the Americans proved unsuccessful, until 1990 when Grand Master Barack Obama adopted it as his official language, and commanded that all of his subjects speak it in order to understand his orders.
English is varied as a language, stealing spare and non-spare parts from all over the world. This is as a result of repeated invasions of England before they bought the language, meaning that the English spoke multiple languages. They then continued to speak those languages, and merely integrated their other languages into their new one. Following the rapid expansion of the British Empire, the language suffered many invasions from various languages in conquered territories, to the extent that English completely reinvents itself every 1-2 years. Scientists are presently working on a solution, but it is doubted that any will be found before the language reinvents itself, and renders all previous research incomprehensible.
English is an unregulated language. Because there is no single regulating body making up standards, nobody has ever agreed on a single way of spelling things, and there are numerous 'right' spellings of many words. Strangely enough, none of these 'standards' really have more to do than chicken scratches with the actual language.
Origin of English
One day God looked down on Earth to check up on his whole "creating life" idea. He saw that the English were getting way out of hand, and wished he hadn't created them because now it was too late to get rid of them. But he still might be able to knock some sense into their heads. First, he gave the English some unfavourable weather. But that didn't calm them down. So then, after a 400 year holiday in Hawaii, he created the English language and forced them to speak it in hopes that they might straighten up after being given such a horrible and confusing language. Well that didn't work either.
After the English got down the language, the Americans stole it and added in silly "words" like "y'all" and "howdy". Americans also stole a lot of the place names, for example, Manchester and Dorset. The most stupid being, of course, New England. Ever since then in 1600's/1800's, neither country has really been able to understand each other although this might have nothing to do with the language. It may be because most Americans are stuffed full of McDonald's and other rubbish while the English usually have tea and cat food.
The Australians also got hold of it, adding words like "g'day" and "barby", which are unfathomable to anyone who knows only proper English. They have reinvented the stolen language just as they reinvented cricket and rugby, showing up England in basically everything they attempt.
In Eastern London the most common word is "fuck", which is used for everything, rendering communication impossible. However, more educated people with richer vocabulary say "fuck all". This is a sign of status in Eastern London that is not well appreciated by the commoners, and has resulted in many in the educated classes fleeing the area for fear of murder.
Some phrases translated:
- Hello, how are you?
- G'day ya old rug munchin faggot chap munchie.
- Where might I find the restroom?
- Yah ol' bitch where's me arse dumper be?
- Would you like to go on a date Friday night with me?
- Ye olde queen be floggin' me arse dumper this Friday.
- I would like to purchase this, please.
- Oi, can I 'ave this please, yah faggot!
- What time is it, good sir?
- Can I have yer fuckin' watch for the time me matey?
- Are you going to the party tonight?
- Gonna go to a good ol' strip club tonight! You might wanna join, eh?
- I know a way in which we might resolve our differences.
- Pass me a feckin' beer bottle!
The spelling of the English language has been debated. Compare the pronunciation of ea in the words steak, streak, head, earth, ear, heard and death. Obviously, English uses a rather inconvenient way of spelling. Not to mention the use of the letters "E" and "U" and the apostrophe.
Now, how did it get this way, you ask?
English started out as a relatively sensible language, aside from its total lack of a future tense which led to its speakers' inability to think ahead. Then the French decided to invade Britain, and their spelling system got itself applied to English and everything else in sight. The French knew what they were doing with their own language, but they didn't care about English, thinking all non-French languages to be retarded, so they just kind of threw their spelling at English and saw if it stuck. This, combined with the efforts of sheep and cats, was very fun for the French to watch from a distance, but not for the children who now are forced to learn this ridiculous thing that pretends to be a spelling system.
Some stupidities of English
1. Your house burns up and then it burns down. Your fire alarm goes off by turning on. So you fill in your insurance form by filling it out.
2. You can make amends but you can't make one amend.
3. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Obviously humanitarians eat humans.
4. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
5. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? For that matter, how can awful be something bad when awesome is really good?
6. When the stars are out, they are visible. But when the lights are out, they are invisible.
7. There is no egg in eggplant (but in Britain, it's an Aubergine), nor ham in hamburger (GB just Burger); neither pine nor apple in pineapple (well - doh!). English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries (GB Chips) in France. Sweetmeats are candies (or GB Sweets) while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
8. There are 7 different ways to pronounce the letters 'ough' - tough [uf],/ʌf/, cough [off],/ɑf/, bough [ow!],/aʊ/, though [o],/oʊ/, ought [awe],/ɑ/, through [oo],/u/, hiccough [up],/ʌp/.
9. If "glasses" is a pair of lenses worn on the head, then why isn't a monocle called a "glass"?
10. You say "tomado" and we say "tomarto". You say "potado" and we say "potayto". Let's call the whole thing off.
11. If you fail to perform well, you suck and you blow it.
12. Why is the fear of long words 'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia'?
13. If one who does stupid things is "reckless", why can't someone who thinks things through be "reckful"?
14. If teachers are teaching and painters are painting, why aren't lawyers lawying? (If you're Australian, that might make sense, since you say that lawyers lawye (lie).)
15. If the prefix de means none or the opposite of, why does 'devoid' mean the same thing as 'void'?
16. You park on a driveway and you drive on a parkway.
17. Why is it that policemen police, workmen work and patrolmen patrol when milkmen don't milk?
18. Why is a "W" a "double U" when it's actually a double V? And why is it the only letter with more than one syllable?
19. Somehow, soft and softheaded mean stupid yet thick and thickheaded also mean stupid.
20. The English seem to think they have the original form of the language, but they actually forgot half the r's and put some of them back in the wrong place. How do you explain all those silent r's that don't pull their weight? Did the aliens put them there?
21. You recite at a play and play at a recital.
22. Why is one pronounced won?
23. One of the mice is called a mouse and one of the lice is a louse, but one of the dice isn’t a douse, nor one grain of rice called a rouse, nor a cube of ice called an ouse? And why isn’t a house one of the hice or a blouse one of the blice?
English is currently spoken in far too many parts of the globe for anyone's good. As previously mentioned, the English think they speak the original form of the language, but this is silly. The French sheep and cats did all they could to ensure that English evolved from a normal language into a device specifically designed to confuse learners. Nobody speaks the normal version anymore because even the English, whose language it once was, thought French was really cool and threw it over everything, leading to a messy trainwreck and the collapse of a bridge. This trainwreck was messily spread over the global toast because butter was scarce.
Because r's are so hard to pronounce, many English speakers have forgotten how, including the aforementioned inventors of the language. They have dropped all r's not preceding a vowel into the trash can, and some of these have come back to haunt them at the ends of words that have no r's in the spelling. They then proceeded to forget what it meant if there was an 'r' in the spelling, which is why the superfluous letters are still sitting there like couch potatoes instead of buzzing off already.
A great number of society belong to an unwanted, dirty and some other word for unwanted group known as chavs. They have adapted their own form of English to confuse normal English folk, and make them feel they are knowledgeable about something, making them feel better. Their vocabular consists of "innit", "safe", "blud", "knob", "bling bling" "brap/Blllllap". They have evolved to put simple words learnt in primary school into what normal english folk call sentences, but what chavs called "innit my homie". Typical chav sentences include "innit, blud" and "you facking goff, may'e"
ENGLAND IS A BLOODY RUFFELMONSTIR AND ITS BIG TOO, BLIMEY. Blimey! It's borinn' an' all tha' malarky, but it ain' really in Mr. C's English class! Especially today, when we did improve actin' wiv' a rahndom subject.
English is currently tha 103rd most spoken lahngwidge in tha worwd. Tha Yoonited States of Amurca spoke English for a big many years, until tha little urchin's began ta realise tha' unstructured grammar an' of'en illogicuhl spellin'. Thus, tha Amurcan language was born in duh Southern United States - not ta' be confyused with real English like Ahm speakin' at tha' moment. Them urchin's was fools; while tha spelling of English words was seriously odd, tha grammar was trooly astoundin'. Tha English lahnguage was so powerful, it's known ta destroy trees, collapse minds, crush souls an' very rarely open cereal boxxiz and no mistake!
Af'er English ceased to be spoken in tha' US, tha' Amurcans adoptid tha Amurcan lahngwidge as deir offishul spo'en lahngwidge. This cowrsed sevrul problems with economy, an' woidespread illi'eracy. Therefwore, tha' Americans chose Mandarin Chinese as deir official language. This inevitably led ta tha' Engrish lahnwidge imperialism movemen', curruntly inactive because av relativly woidespread activities including kittun hufin'. Da funny tin' is it dun soun' plen'y like Spanish fur sum rizon. Que loco...
Blimey! English suffers from a number of incomprehensible dialects. None of these is a language in its own right since it does not possess a discrete vocabulary. And the Queen said so and no mistake!
- Queen's English This is the one truly correct version of English, spoken only by The Royal Family, the BBC before standards slipped, and anyone who is not a moron doomed to fail in life (explaining why so many people are unemployed).
- American. It's like English, but Louder and pointless aside from a variety of new swear words.
- Southern American English
- Broken English
- Correct English
- Bad grammar
- Drunken English
- The English
- Old English
- Cockney Rhyming Slang