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“English is a language in which any form of any word is whole and utterly likely.”
“English is the only speech that beats up other speeches in a dark pathway and fool around in their pockets for spare word-hoard.”
English is overall thought to be a clay speech, but is in truth a squishy, plastic middle ground between French and German that was made-up by God, with the help of sheep, to irk the English. However, instead of irking them as planned, it delighted them, as they now had a outstanding tool for weakening inborn folks that they would not otherwise have been able to settle. It was also used with homework to fore-pain English and Welsh children alike into not being too soft.
English took in bits and pieces from all over the world as an outcome of ongoing raids of pre-English England by other speeches, whose spare became English when they got it. Following the fast out-whelming of the British Empire, the speech suffered many intakes from other speeches in-taken land, to the lasting that English began to wholly make-up itself every 1-2 years, which it still does to this day in some way. Knowledge-men are at the time working on an answer, but it is doubted that any will be found before the speech with-make itself, and gives up all former under-seeking. It is also doubted that any answer will take on, even if it did come to be.
English is, and has always been, a lack of overseen speech. This means that nobody has ever agreed on a single way of spelling things--there are many right ways for spellings words but none of them shows the pronunciation, as the highlight is always on making means as an end in themselves.
edit Origin of English
One day God looked down on Earth to see on His whole "life-making" wares. He saw that the English were getting rather out of steering, and wished He hadn't made them, because now it was too late to delete them. But He still might be able to set them back on the right path. First, He gave the English some unfavourable weather, but that proved hamstrung. So then, after a 400 year holiday in Hawaii, He made the English speech and forced them to speak it, in hopes that they might be mouth-outed by its manifold. That didn't work either.
edit Origin of American English
The United States of America spoke English for a great many years, until the little urchins began to notice the none-make-up grammar and often none-wit-crafting spelling. Thus, the American speech was born in the Southern United States. Those urchins were fools; while the spelling of English words was earnestly odd, the word-laying was truly breathtaking. In truth, the English language is so mighty that it has been known to take up trees, cleave minds, crush souls and very rarely even open cereal boxes.
After English ceased to be spoken in the U.S., the Americans took the American way of speaking as their steward spoken speech. Ever since then, neither kith has really been able to understand each other, although this might have nothing to do with the speech, but rather with the truth that most Americans are stuffed full of McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken while the English usually have tea and trumpets.
edit English spelling
The spelling of the English language has been designed, if inadvertently, to be somewhat inconvenient. Compare and contrast the pronunciation of ea in the words steak, streak, head, earth, ear, heard and death, and consider the use of the letters "E" and "U" and the apostrophe.
The origin of this spelling system is usually thought to be as follows:
English started out as a relatively sensible language, aside from its total lack of a future tense which led to its speakers' inability to plan ahead. Then the French decided to invade Britain, and their spelling system was applied to English and everything else it could find. The French knew what they were doing with their own language, but they didn't care about English, thinking all non-French languages to be retarded, so they just kind of threw their spelling at English and saw if it stuck. This, combined with the efforts of sheep, was very fun for the French to watch from a distance, but not for the children who now are forced to learn this ridiculous thing that pretends to be a spelling system.
edit Other quirks of English
The excessive irregularities of English are politely known as "quirks", though "stupidities" might be a better term. As there are so many of them compared with other natural languages, it can only be concluded that English is not, in fact, natural.
For example, a common feature of English is pairs of words whose meanings can be either opposite or identical, such as up and down (compare and contrast The ceiling is up and the floor is down with the identical pair of sentences The house burnt up and The house burnt down). This, combined with many other features that create so-called 'rubber words'--words whose meanings can be varied at the whim of the speaker--is clear evidence that English was constructed with the express purpose of confusing those who attempt to learn it.
edit English today
English is currently spoken in far too many parts of the globe for anyone's good. As previously mentioned, the English think they speak the original form of the language, but this is silly. The French and sheep did all they could to ensure that English evolved from a normal language into a device specifically designed to confuse learners. Nobody speaks the normal version anymore because even the English, whose language it once was, thought French was really cool and threw it over everything, leading to a messy trainwreck and the collapse of a bridge. This trainwreck was messily spread over the global toast because butter was scarce.
Because r's are so hard to pronounce, many English speakers have forgotten how, including the aforementioned inventors of the language. They have dropped all r's not preceding a vowel into the rubbish bin, and some of these have come back to haunt them at the ends of words that have no r's in the spelling. They then proceeded to forget what it meant if there was an 'r' in the spelling, which is why the superfluous letters are still sitting there like couch potatoes instead of taking their long-overdue leave.
English suffers from a number of incomprehensible dialects, some of which are listed below. None of these is a language in its own right according to the Queen since it does not possess a discrete vocabulary.
- Queen's English—This is the one truly correct version of English, spoken only by The Royal Family, the BBC before standards slipped, and anyone who is not a moron doomed to fail in life (explaining why so many people are unemployed).
- American—Like English, but Louder, and pointless aside from a variety of new swear words.
- Southern American English
- Wenglish—Like Yoda we speak, innit?
edit English homework
Summarise at least five main points of this article, citing specific examples to support your reasoning. Explain whether you agree or disagree with these points and why.
edit See also
- Broken English
- Correct English
- Bad grammar
- Drunken English
- The English
- Old English
- Cockney Rhyming Slang