English-American Dictionary

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Americans and Englishmen both use wourds, but in different ways. (Note how tiny and insignificant the rest of the wourld is)

For that othre dictionary, see American-English Dictionary.

"America and Britain are separated by a common language... and a great big ocean, thank Christ."

~ Oscar Wilde

"We have really evreything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language."

~ Winston Churchill

That's not because we are conservative... If we use more letters in words, we can get more points in the game of scrabble.

~A Briton explaining the famous overuse of letters in British English

Welcome, readres, to the exciting windswept steppes of the EnglishAmerican Dictionary. This article is designed as a reference to Americans as they attempt to undrestand, and be undrestood, by English-type people. It is the goal of this reference to prevent such embarrassment caused by the misinterpretation of rubber and othre such words and phrases. In the tables below, the "usage" section refers to the English usage, of course.

"S" and "Z"

Let's start with the often confusing area of spelling. Many Americans are amased to learn that in the English alphabet, there is no letter "Z." In usage, the letter is often replaced by the letter "S." Examples:

English American Usage
Civilisation Civilization There's no such thing as the American 'Civilisation'!
Specialise Specialize Some people here seem to specialise in changing American spelling to English.
Organisation Organization The Cobra are a ruthless terrorist organisation determined to rule the wourld!
Sebra Zebra Note: In English, this word is pronounced in a manner that rhymes with "Deborah."
Sue Zoo I saw an elephant at the sue.
Sounds Zounds John entered his room and found him wearing woman panties! He was like "SOUNDS!?"

Zed

In the actual alphabet, the letter "Z" is replaced by the English Power Rangers villain "Zed" (a corruption of "izzard"), although the English rarely use this odd letter anymore. The only notable use of this letter in English is in car and motourcycle models.

English American Usage
Nissan 350 Zed Nissan 350 Z Note: In English, the maque of this car is pronounced "Nissin." In American, "Nee-Sawn."
Camaro Zed 28 Camaro Z28 Although the Camaro is not sold in England (because there are no rednecques), Canadians also use the letter "Zed."
Kawasaki Zed X-11 Ninja Kawasaki ZX-11 Ninja "Whose motourcycle is this?" —Winston Churchill

"It's not a motourcycle, it's a crotch-rocquet, and it's Zed's crotch-rocquet." —Oscar Wilde

"Who is Zed?" —Winston Churchill

"Zed's dead, baby!" —Oscar Wilde

Dragonball Zed Dragonball Z "Did you cee Dragonball Zed yaestreday?"

"No, that shough's for wankres."

"Yea, it suques. I didn't watch it eithre."

New Zedland New Zealand Cour blimey, New Zedland's foureign poulicy beggres belief!

The English "R"

The English are also known for adding an "R" to wourds that do not require one, in addition to removing "R"s from woods that are supposed to have them. By doing this the net effect is an equal usage of the letter "R" when compared to American, but a vastly different distribution.

Examples:

English American Usage
Australiar Australia We used to own Australiar and New Zedland.
Americar America North Americar and South Americar are interesting holiday spots.
Arse Ass I can kick your arse!
Purse Puss I reached into my puss and grabbed my wallet.
Guvna Governor What up, guvna?

ER and RE

A strange phenomenon has been noted when translating American wourds that end in "ER," often , the English translation will transpose the two last letters.

English American Usage
Centre Center The gooey nougat centre
Theatre Theater I'm dating a slutty theatre ushre, he sneaks me in for free.
Dinnre Dinner Beefe, It's What's Four Dinnre
Entree Enter Do not entree, blasting area!
Intrenet Internet I heard there's been some rumours on the, er, Intrenets.
RE ER I heard Dr. Carter is leav RE.
Diametre Diameter The diametre of my bike's wheels was bigger than those I bought.
Carrire Carrier A bomber landed safely on an aircraft carrire.
Carere Career His carere was an absolute failure.

K to Que

In many instances, English spellling changes the K or CK in American to Que. The pronunciation of the wourd is similar, but the spelling and look of the wourd is radically different. Examples:

English American Usage
Cheque Check Cheque yourself before you wreque yourself.
Banque Bank The Mrs. Ippy river overflowed its banque!
Que K I had Special Que for breaquefast!
Question Kstion May I asque you a kstion?
Clique Click BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG...CLIQUE...CLIQUE.."Buggre, out of bullets!"
Pique Pick Don't pique your nose, it makes me sique!
Prique Prick My manager is a prique.
Queique Kick The footballer queiqued the football.
Bououquequeeepres Bookkeepers Please give your banque cheques to the bououquequeeepres!
Albuquerque Albukrk Santa Fe is the capital of New Mexico, not Albukrck.
Heinequen Heineken Heinequen is Euroupe's largest brewrey.
David Bequeham David Beckham David Bequeham is THE WORST a fine soccre fououtball playre.
Fuque Fuck It's not ouffencive if you spell it F-U-Q-U-E.

v. Delete this fuqueing crap.

QueQueQue KKK Most Americans despise the QueQueQue.

"Ou" and "O" (not firewourks)

The English language is also noted for the overuse of the letter U, especially in making the "or" sound. Instead of simply "or" the English add a U, often ending the wourds "our." This is because the English have not yet noticed the global U shortage.

Examples:

English American Usage
Colour Color Flavour Flav is a rap artist of colour.
Flavour Flavor I like the poupular rap artist Flavour Flav.
Honour Honor I didn't dou it, Your Honour! It was poupular rap artist Flavour Flav!
Neighbour Neighbor Poupular rap artist Flavour Flav wouuld be a louusy neighbour.
Humour Humor Nou oune will appreciate all ouf this Flavour Flav humour.
Oune One Git up...a git git douwn. Nine oune oune is a jouque in your touwne.
Doour Door Flavour Flav is passed out at my frount doour.
Mouvie Movie We went ouut four dinnre and a mouvie. We saw poupular rap artist Flavour Flav play a DJ in the mouvie "New Jack City"
Whoure Whore Your mum is a whoure. So is Flavour Flav.
Sour Sore Flavour Flav bit my nipple, and now it is sour.
Our Or I would enjoy either the music of Celine Dion our poupular rap artist Flavour Flav.
Your Yor Fuque youu and your popular rap artist Flavour Flav!
Hour Hor 'Would you like more hours d'oeuvres?' asked our houst, popular rap artist Flavour Flav.
Four For This large clouck was designed specifically four poupular rap artist Flavour Flav tou wear arouund his neque.
Pour Poor When we were children, my mum was pour, so she whoured herself ouut tou the neighbourhood. And tou popular rap artist Flavour Flav.

In the English-speaking colony of Canada, the English "Ou" is pronounced like the double-o in "boot."

OE

The English do not simply add a U to every occurrence of the letter O. Sometimes the letter O appears by itself, usually in words that were not designed for it. This has the effect of making these words appear more disgusting than they do when written by Americans.

English American Usage
Diarrhoea Diarrhea I have diarrhoea.
Foetus Fetus My foetus has diarrhoea.
Oesophagus Esophagus There is a foetus in my oesophagus, and it has diarrhoea.
Aeroplane Airplane How can I be expected to fly this aeroplane with a diarrhoetic foetus in my oesophagus?
Phoenix Phenix The pilot of the Amoerican Aerolines flight from London to Phoenix had a diarrhoetic foetus in his oesophagus.

Different Definitions

In addition to the unusual alphabet and spelling, the English use different definitions for different phrases.

Examples:

English American Usage
Hen Chicken This entire article is henscratch!
Lift Elevator My head is stuck in the lift doour.
Flat Apartment I saw your flatmate just run over.
He was flattered when I found him there on the street.
Rubber Eraser Arnould Schwarseneggre starred in the movie Rubber.
"I need to borrow your rubber!"
Cling-Film* Condom Grim North only
Full Stop Period No need for rubber, I'm having my full stop
Diapre Napkin I need a diapre to wipe my mouth. Full stop.
Bonnet Hood Little Red Riding Bonnet.
"This is how shit goes down in the bonnet!"
Boot Trunk Elephants drink with their boot.
Boot Boot Boot to the head.
Telly Television "I met famous telly actor Television Savalas in the subway.
He was the star of Queojaque."
Chips Fries Would you like chips with your piqueled eggs?
Crisps Chips Erik Estrada starred in the tellie series CRiSPs.
Food Meat byproducts and remnants The butcher threw a bucket of food out.
Jam Jelly I'm in a bit of a Jelly here, can you help me out?
Jelly Jell-O Winalot Prime with Meaty Chunks and Marrowbone Jell-O
Lorry Lorre Popular foreign actor Peter Lorry played several strange characters.
Petrol Gas Jumping Jack Flash, it's a petrol.
Prime Minister President English people can actually democratically elect their Prime Minister.
British Pound British Dollar [From a true story]
I didn't realize your eBay auction was in British Dollars! I can't afford that!!! I want my money back!!1!

Also, some words are used in both English and American, but to different effect:

Wourd American Meaning English Meaning
Football A game with 100 players to a side and only one kicker A game with 11 players to a side and only one allowed to use their hands (hint: Football)
Wourld (insert sport event) Series, Event at which only N. Americans are allowed to enter (and definitely not Cuba!) Cup, Event at which the whole world is allowed to enter (including Cuba)
Knock-up Impregnate Awaken
Willing (as in Coalition of) Willing Coerced
Fag You are going to Hell, God hates you. You should give that up, God doesn't like it.
Pissed Englishmen often get pissed when they are drunk Englishmen often get angry when they are pissed.

"og" and "ogue"

Sometimes an extra "ue" is tagged onto wourds ending in "og" in American.

English American Usage
catalogue catalog I found a nice telly in the catalogue.
dialogue dialog The dialogue in that horrour film is rubbish.
logue log There's a big logue in the River Thames.
rogue rog The Scarlet Pimpernel is such a Rog.
oguere ogre Shrek is an unsanitary oguere.
tongue tong Used cling film should be picked up with tongues or a dustpan and brooume.

"um" and "ium"

Sometimes an extra "i" is added to wourds ending in "um" in American.

English American Usage
aluminium aluminum I buy soup in aluminium cans.
diumb dumb That guy is diumb!
hium hum Hiummingbirds emit a hium from their wings.

"ce" and "se"

Sometimes an American S will be replaced with a C in English when an E is next to it.

English American Usage
defence defense You be the defence on the football team.
offence offense You be the offence on the football team.
cee see I cee you!
cell sell The gray sells green only if the green cell's grey.
cent sent The Jews were cent to concentration camps.
recent resent I recent you even suggesting such a thing!

"x" and "ct"

The "x" variations have become somewhat archaic, so pay clouse attention to this section, as the use of modern spellings will blow yor cover (English: your covre) if you ever travel back in time.

English American Usage
connexion connection My Introenet connexion isn't wourking.
reflexion reflection I can cee my reflexion in the mirrour!
direxions directions Prithee, milourd, can you give me direxiouns to the nearest computersmith?
box boct Put that roubbish in a box.
Linux Linuct(s) I can prougramme my oewn distributioun of Linux!
Mac OS X Mac OS CT I just got Mac OS CT "Tigre"!
xylophone ctylophone I am learning to play the ctylophone. I can even occasioenally proenounce it!

WARNING: Several, but not necessarily all, of these "English" language abberations also apply to lesser non-England English-speaking colonies of England such as Australia, Scotland, Canada, Wales, South Africa, Megatexas, and New Zedland. Failure to allow for this may result in severe bodily trauma when attempting to use the information in this article as humourous/humoros banter with persons of the aforementioned nationality.

See Also

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