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Welcome readers to the exciting windswept steppes of the English–American Dictionary. This article is designed as a reference to Americans as they attempt to understand, and be understood, by English-type people. It is the goal of this reference to prevent such embarrassment caused by the misinterpretation of rubber and other such words and phrases.
Let's start with the often confusing area of spelling. Many Americans are amazed to learn that in the English alphabet, there is no letter "Z". In usage, the letter is often replaced by the letter "S". Examples:
|Civilisation||Civilization||There's not such thing as the American "Civilisation"!|
|Specialise||Specialize||Some people here seem to specialise in changing American spelling to English.|
|Organisation||Organization||The Cobra is a ruthless, terrorist organisation determined to rule the world!|
|Sebra||Zebra||Note: In English, this word is pronounced in a manner that rhymes with "Deborah".|
In the actual alphabet, the letter "Z" is replaced by the English letter "Zed". Although the English rarely use this odd letter. The only notable use of this letter in English is in car and motorcycle models.
|Nissan 300 Zed||Nissan 300 Z||In English, the make of this car is pronounced "Nissin". In American, "Nee-Sawn".|
|Camaro Zed 28||Camaro Z28||Although the Camaro is not sold in England (because there are no ninjas), Canadians also use the letter "Zed".|
|Kawasaki Zed X-11 Ninja||Kawasaki ZX-11 Ninja||"Whose motorcycle is this?" —Winston Churchill
"It's not a motorcycle, it's a crotch-rocket, and it's Zed's crotch-rocket." —Oscar Wilde
"Who is Zed?" —Winston Churchill
"Zed's dead, baby!" —Oscar Wilde
The English "R"
The English are also known for adding an "R" to words that do not require one, in addition to removing "R"s from words that are supposed to have them. By doing this the net effect is and equal usage of the letter "R" when compared to American, but a vastly different distribution.
ER and RE
A strange phenomenon has been noted when translating American words that end in "ER", often , the English translation will transpose the two last letters.
|Centre||Center||The gooey nougat centre|
|Theatre||Theater||"I'm dating a slutty theatre ushre, she sneaks me in for free"|
|Entree||Enter||Do not entree, blasting area!|
|RE||ER||"I heard Dr. Carter is leaving RE"|
"Ou" and "O" (not firewourks)
The English language is also noted for the overuse of the letter U, especially in making the "or" sound. Instead of simply "or" the English add a U, often ending the words "our".
|Colour||Color||The Colour Guard raised the flag.|
|Flavour||Flavor||I like the popular rap artist Flavour Flav.|
|Honour||Honor||I didn't do it, Your Honour!|
|Neighbour||Neighbor||Love thy neighbour as thyself.|
|Humour||Humor||Men dressed as women is the pinnacle of humour.|
|Doour||Door||My head is stuck in the doour.|
|Whoure||Whore||Your mom is a whoure.|
|Sour||Sore||My arse is sour.|
|Our||Or||Would you like fish our chips?|
In the English-speaking colony of Canada, the English "Ou" is pronounced like the double-o in "boot".
In addition to the unusual alphabet and spelling, the English use different definitions for different phrases.
|Lift||Elevator||My head is stuck in the lift doour.|
|Flat||Apartment||I've got kippers in my flat.|
|Rubber||Eraser||Arnold Schwarzenegger starred in the movie Rubber.|
|Napkin||Diaper||I need a napkin to wipe my mouth.|
|Bonnet||Hood||Little Red Riding Bonnet.|
|Boot||Trunk||Elephants drink with their boot.|
Unless it is
|Boot||Boot||Boot to the head.|
|Chips||Fries||Would you like chips with that?|
|Crisps||Chips||Eric Estrada starred in the TV Series CRiSPs.|
|Food||Meat byproducts and remnants||The butcher threw a bucket of food out.|
WARNING: Several, but not necessarily all, of these "English" language abberations also apply to such non-England English-speaking colonies of England such as Australia, Scotland, Canada, Wales, South Africa, and New Zealand. Failure to allow for this may result in severe bodily trauma when attempting to use the information in this article as humourous/humoros banter with persons of the aforementioned nationality.