English

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“Si la Armada Española no llega a encontrarse una tormenta, otro gallo cantaría.”

~ Spanish on English

Foreigners from Asia: please click here.

English was developed in Scotland, and over time, slowly altered into the language that would become modern English. Hairy bastards from mainland Europe came a long, long time ago. Then, some other people came, and slew but mixed genetically with the hairy bastards. Finally, the French came. They tried to fuck over the language, but failed epically, actually making it better, whilst, and this is important, still not making it French. Each migration into England added to the language. Then, millions of American tribesmen from North America decided they liked it, and, not having anyone of English descent whatsoever living among them, forced Columbus to write 100 copies of Webster's Dictionary. They took a deep fancy to English, more than the languages of their forefathers: Greek, Hebrew, and French, and Latin. As America was divided it into 13 colonies (when it was great), they eventually revolted because they wanted their own language, Columbus was held ransom and they won. Of course, being Americans, they were totally un-original and changed a few simple words so their minds would be capable of understanding English better. They called it "Amerkin" English though the rest of the world generally refers to it as English Inferior or merely as pointless.

English is an unregulated language. This is to confuse foreigners who learn "proper" english, so when they come to England (or any other English speaking country) they sound like absolute retards. Other countries fall for it too. That's why rappers, hillbillies, and idiots have their own vocabulary in the (U.S.) Dictionary.

[edit] Origin of English

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One day satan looked down on Earth to check up on his whole "creating life" idea. After realizing what a shitty idea that was, He saw that the English were getting angsty and let's-go-get-more-land-ish. God didn't like this all that much, so he decided to try and do something about it. First, he gave the English some unfavorable weather. But that didn't shut them up. So then he created the English language and forced them to speak it in hopes that they might straighten up after being given such a horrible and confusing language. Well that didn't work either. A blind man requested "Destroy this shit!" and ran off never to be seen again... Until Jesus was resurrected again in the form of Chuck Norris.

After the English got down the language, the Americans stole it and added in silly "words" like "y'all" and "howdy", in addition Americans also stole a lot of the place names, for example Manchester, and Dorset. The most stupid being, of course New England. Ever since then in 1600's/1800's, neither country has really been able to understand each other although this might have nothing to do with the language. This is usually because most Americans are stuffed full of McDonalds and KFC while the English usually have McDonalds and Burger King.

The Australians also got ahold of it, adding awesomeness like g'day and barby, which is not proper English. They have reinvented the stolen language just like the reinvented cricket and rugby, showing up england in basically everything they attempt

[edit] Dumb English

The American version of the English language is exceptionally stoopid. This is evident in many cases, for an example, "the soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert." The problem with it is that many of the English words have more than one meaning. This is because some |</\/08 |-|34d decided to create our language from 6-7 languages before it was used by America and altered again, the reason being that Americans found the great mental challenge to comprehend multiple meanings above them. Americans are also prone to pronounce all words incorrectly, bless them. For example:

"I have to go on the internet" becomes:

"Ay hayuv tah go on thur innerrr ne'" (note the loss of the last "t" sound on the end of "innerrr ne'")

[edit] British English

Some phrases translated.

Hello I would like some apple cider. (Gday ya old rug munchin faggot chap munchie)
Where might I find the restroom? (Yah ol bitch wheres me arse dumper be?)
Would you like to go on a date friday night with me? (Ye olde queen be floggin me arse dumper tis friday)
I would like to purchase this,please. ('Oi, can I 'ave this please, yah faggot!)
What time is it, good sir? (Can I have yer fuckin' watch for the time me matey?)
Are you going to the party tonight? (gonna go to a good ol' strip club tonight! You might wanna join, eh?)

[edit] English is proven too complex for the lower orders to understand

1. Your house burnt up and then it burnt down. So your fire alarm went off by turning on. So you had to fill in your insurance form by filling it out.

2. If teachers taught, why haven't preachers praught???

3. If the plural of tooth is teeth, then why isn't the plural of booth beeth?? (mmmm... beef)

4. You can make amends but you can't make one amend.

5. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Obviously humanitarians eat humanitables, not humans. Otherwise, vegetarians would eat vegans.

6. Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

7. Noses that run and feet that smell?

8. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? For that matter, how can aweful be something bad when awesome is really good?

9. When the stars are out, they are visible. BUT when the lights are out, they are invisible.

10. English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant (but in Britain it's a Courgette), nor ham in hamburger (GB just Burger); neither apple nor pine in pineapple (well). English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries (GB Chips) in France. Sweetmeats are candies (or GB Sweets) while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are a bulls testsicles (GB Bulloks Bolloks).

11. There are 7 different ways to pronounce the letters 'ough' - tough [uf],/ʌf/, cough [off],/ɑf/, bough [ow!],/aʊ/, though [o],/oʊ/, ought [awe],/ɑ/, through [oo],/u/, hiccough [up],/ʌp/.

12. You can be gormless, but what IS gorm? Apparently something that is good to have?

13. If "glasses" is a pair of lenses worn on the head, then why isn't a monocle called a "glass"?

14. You say "tomayto" and we, correctly, say "tomarto". You say "potado" and we, correctly, say "potayto". Let's call the whole thing off.

16. If you fail to perform well, you suck and blow at the same time. Why is a ####### not called a suck job yet sucky jobs often blow?

17. If tinwhistles are made of tin what are foghorns made of?

18. Why is the fear of long words'hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia'?

19. If one who does stupid things is "reckless", why can't someone who thinks things through be "reckful"?

20. One of the mice is called a mouse, but one of the dice isn’t a douse, nor one grain of rice called a rouse, nor a cube of ice called an ouse? And why isn’t a house one of the hice or a blouse one of the blice? (And for that matter, why isn't a spouse one of the spice?)

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If ice makes icicles, what does a test make?

22. If teachers are teaching and painters are painting, why aren't lawyers lawying? (If you're Australian, that might make sense, since you say that lawyers lawye(lie).)

23. If the prefix "de" means none or the opposite of, how does devoid (void meaning the same thing) still mean "nothing"?

24. You park on a driveway and you drive on a parkway.

25. how comes inaccurate means not accurate when inflammable means flammable? It doesn't, it's a common misconception that inflammable infact means flammable when it doesn't, flammable means flammable and inflammable means not flammable, like fact means a fact and infact means fiction.

26. why is it that a policemen police, workmen work and patrolmen patrol when milkmen dont milk

27. No such thing as a double positive? Yeah, right.

[edit] English Today

The English of Today spoken in England is only spoken by all Londoners with mental disabilities and/or speech impediments that are trapped in a bad remake of Mary Poppins as this article shall demonstrate. This has created a unique fracture in time and space that resides only in the minds of US'ers, a dark race of evil who wish to break through into our dimension.

Everyone else is presumed to be speaking French or some other dialect.

(Please note that the author(s) of this article has mistaken the word 'Fringlish' for 'Fallen Cockney Wanker')

Engrish is not the easiest language (pronounced lang-gwagee) on the face of the earth. An Engrish accent (emulated by an American at least; a real Engrish accent is very different) of the kind spoken by The Chattering Classes can be achieved simply by removing all the T's in a sentence, an example is as follows (replace all the ' with a "T" to make sense of it:

"Hey yer bloody dir'y wanka, ge' your coa' and le's go 'o 'ha foo'ball ma'ch and ge' ourselves was'ed by 'he fockin s'ands while we cheer on 'ha' no good bas'ard arse club Chelsea FC

[edit] Chav English

A great number of society belong to an unwanted, dirty and some other word for unwanted group known as chavs. They have adapted their own form of English to confuse normal English folk, and make them feel they are knowledgable about something, making them feel better. Their vocabular consists of "innit", "safe", "blud", "knob", "bling bling" "brap/Blllllap". They have evolved to put simple words learnt in primary school into what normal english folk call sentances, but what chavs called "innit my homie". Typical chav sentances include "innit, blud" and "you facking goff, may'e" ==

ENGLAND IS A BLOODY RUFFELMONSTER AND ITS BIG TOO, BLIMEY. Blimey! It's borin' an' all tha' malarky, but it ain' really in Mr. C's English class! Especially today, when we did improve actin' wiv' a rahndom subject.

(Written by an American Student studdying English) English is currently tha 103rd most spoken lahngwidge in tha worwd. Tha Yooni'ed States of Ameri'a spoke English for a big many years, un'il tha little urchin's began ta realise tha' unstruc'ured grammar an' of'en illogicuhl spellin'. Thus, tha' Ameri'an language was born in duh Southern United States - not ta' be confyused with real English like Ahm speakin' at tha' momen', Guv. Them urchin's was fools; while tha spelling of English words was seriously odd, tha grammar was trooly astoundin'. Tha' English lahnguage was so powerful, it's known ta' destroy trees, collapse minds, crush souls an' very rarely open cereal boxxiz and no mistake!

Af'er English ceased to be spoken in tha' U.S., tha' Ameri'ans adap'ed tha' Bulgarian language an' tha' Ameri'an lahngwidge as deir offishul spo'en lahngwidges. This cowrsed sevrul problems with economy, an' woidespread illi'eracy. Therefwore, tha' Americans chose Mandarin Chinese as deir official language. This inevi'ably led ta tha' Hungarian lahnwidge imperialism movemen', curren'ly inactive because av' rela'ively woidespread ac'ivities including kitten huffing. Da funny tin' is it dun soun' plen'y like Spanish fur sum rizon. Que loco...

Tha English lahngwidge iz full o' da explahtives as well. Dey surve a mitey fine prup'se in ventin' yer anger.

[edit] Common English Phrases and Deir Meanings

She sells seashells at Chelsey and shall call all tall callboys —Bussy as 'oo you 'ell.
"'E's a right toff and no mistake" —Dat gentleman is remarkable given 'is apparently upper class nature.
"Strike a light, guvnor" —I do exclaim dat you must provide me wit a greater understanding of da subject matter, o person of apparently 'igher social class dan myself.
"Shake a leg" —Let us make wiv great 'aste and speed.
"Cor Blimey" —Dat is a remarkable occurrence, and worthy of note.
"Sick as a parrot" —I am unwell at this time.
"Wot da H-to-da-izzell?" —Oy, wot's your problem, mate?
"Bag pula in mata" —Let us make great 'aste and speed.
"Bluddy 'ell..." — Awful.
"Fo' Shizzle My Nizzle!" — I concur my friend o' African lineage!
"Yo momma is so fat she was christened in seaworld!" your mum is fat!
"As the blind man said to the deaf mute, 'We shall see'" — Is that even common?

[edit] Complete and total correctness of the English

This article promotes Jihad against the dessication of the English language

Join us and help rid the world of these (wild) western devils!

Destroy the degenerate tongue (aka: american-english)

(note: not all of this article complies with the above banner, but it should)

In stark contrast to their bloody stupid American "brethren," English English is marked by remarkable consistency throughout its spelling. In no case do the English ever drop the 'u' so blasphemously from their words. For example: "colour", "neighbour", "honour", and many others. It is for the benefit of the average English speaker as well as our uneducated brethren in the Americas that they once again use the "u" as well as once again become part of the Greater British Empire.

[edit] Spoken Cuntries

English is the official language of Germany, England, Disneyland, Canada(but not Quebec, speakers will be castrated), Australia, America, Russia, Japan, Belize, Honduras, Unengland, India, and Spangland. However, it is spoken everywhere, and other countries only have other official languages because they wanted to start a trend. However, the trend never caught on, and English remained the world's dominant language. (By United Nations decree #14444, submissives are required to speak French.) As punishment for their rebellion, world owner [[|Slash|Saul Hudson|Lloyd Kimber]] passed a law that limited the power of the countries. The law stated that any English speaking country had the right to beat up non-English speaking countries. It also stated that those who did not speak English were required to buy a translator when talking to an English-speaker. This caused an uproar in the three main language rebelling countries, Italy, Antarctica, and Czechoslovakia. Italy immediately started launching dinosaurs at its border country, Kenya. China, in compliance with the Rice Krispie Treaty of Paris, was required to defend Kenya from the reptilian invaders. However, China's guns were all made in China and failed miserably. Kenya now belongs to Italy, but will retire in the year 1999. New English word: To nenn, you say it when you don't feel like doing something (you're too tired, feel too good, think it's boring, etc. or some other excuse for not doing something). Now you just say:"I don't nenn it." This phrase is very common on Iceland

[edit] Dialects

Blimey! English suffers from a numbah of incompr'ensible dialec's. None of these is a language in its own roigh' since it does not possess a discrete vocabulary. And tha' Queen said so and no mistake!