England
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| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
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| Motto: "I'm not a racist but..." Or "Tally Ho! What what. Jolly good show." | |||||
| Population | Total - ~60,000,000
Foreigners - 60,000,000 | ||||
| Area | 32 Square scones | ||||
| Form of Government | Scottish Bastards | ||||
| National Anthem | "God Smite the Scots, the French, the Germans etc" | ||||
| Current Prime Minister | The Queen | ||||
| Currency | Crumpets, Scones and Biscuits | ||||
| Capital City | John Prescott | ||||
| Legislative City | Whoever will pay the most | ||||
| Chief Econoumic City | France | ||||
| Religion | Football | ||||
| National Past-times | Moaning about the weather, moaning about queues, moaning about politicians and moaning about foreigners | ||||
England (pronounced ing-gur-lund by the chav population) is not a small village just off the coast of Europe as the Americans think it is. In fact it is an actual country which would come as a surprise to many. It is definitely nowhere near France (or Germany for that matter). Contrary to popular belief, a place can still exist even if the average American citizen has never heard of it. England is a brilliant example of this.
England is currently going for the world record of filling itself with as many foreigners as possible. It is attempting this by allowing thousands of immigrants in who seem to think that England is a wonderful place compared to all those other countries that have that horrible nice weather.
History
- See main article History of England for an alternative history.
The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass. Then the Irish were discovered. In 1150 BC a moat cutting off Ireland was created. It proved to be ineffective as after a couple of drinks, the Irish found they could swim. Since then various other methods have been used to disassociate themselves from the Irish, such as devolution. Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in Parliament.
England has been invaded at various points throughout its history. Fortunately, every invader mysteriously became English when they took over, thus leaving England undefeated. This was extremely lucky as in 1066, the French won their first (and last) war against England and a large seed known as William the Conker took over. He was followed by a long line of foreigners who thought they were English, hence if asked to speak the Queens English, you are actually being asked to speak German.
England's history is filled with wars, many of which are explained later on in the article. It has had nearly as many wars in its history as America has had in the last 10 years! This shows England could be considered to be a war-mongering country, but we all know really it was always someone else's fault. Those unarmed tribesmen looked at us in a funny way.
Contrary to popular belief, England was NOT struck by a great Iceberg; that only happened in the movie. It is also NOT' being continuously invaded by aliens as it says on Doctor Who. Everyone knows that stuff only happens in America.
Hatred of the French
The one thing hated most by English people is foreigners and of all of the foreigners, there are one group who are detested by the English. They are the French. The French are the complete opposite of the English. They always lose wars, they smell and no one likes them (though the same could be said about the English for the last point). To lose against the French at anything is considered a great dishonour, and anyone who does are immediately exiled off to one of England's dumping grounds like Australia or America
The greatest practical joke ever played on the French by the English occurred during WW2 when the French fleet was laying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, French North Africa were wiped out by elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranean Fleet. Oh how DeGaulle and Churchill laughed about that in later years.
The Chav Tribes
The Chav tribes infest England. They infest every town and city, and will soon become unstoppable if not exterminated. They possess a very limited intelligence and can barely string a coherent sentence together, much like the Americans. They are often found down alleyways after a successful hunt in the local supermarket.
Cheap alcohol and McDonald's is their primary food source, and they are often seen to worship people such as Wayne Rooney and Victoria Beckham. Chavs are one of the main worshipers of the religion of football (England's main religion). Their knowledge is generally passed mouth to mouth ,though occasionally Chavs known as graffitiests scribe their knowledge onto other peoples property. With each passing day, the Chav tribes numbers swell. Some cities have become impassible with the pure amount of Chavs filling the streets.
Politics
Every inhabitant of England except for Chavs and foreigners (so not really anyone at all) has tea with the Queen once a day, where they discuss matters of state, such as the price of tea and the empire. The Queen doesn't actually listen to the nasty commoners, instead she just nods and smiles, all the while thinking how ugly poor people look.
There are elections, though it doesn't really matter who you vote as everyone knows the Queen decides anyway. One of her hobbies along with hunting poor defenceless animals like commoners, is making up stupid policies for politcal parties. She even lets her husband nazi have a go by allowing him a party to suit his moderate tastes - the BNP.
To get involved in politics there is very specific criteria, such as being old, unlikeable and certainly not black. Prefferably you must be Scottish and grumpy
Foreign Policy
The English foreign policy is simple. Just do what the Americans do. It has replaced the previous policy of nabbing land off of uncivilised tribes(most foreigners).
Currency
The currency of England is the Crumpet, with smaller currency being Scones and Biscuits. 8 crumpets are worth around one US dollar, depending on the price of olive oil. Many outspoken Chavs have spoken (well at least tried to) out against the crumpet, since they're not posh enough to use this currency. They'd much rather have beer. The other choice for currency is the pound, which is a beating typically delivered with the hands, feet and teeth. Traditional advocates of the pound suggest that while everyone can be beaten within an inch of their life, not everyone is able to procure a crumpet. Chavs have taken this a step further and just beat you and run off with your stuff.
10 Scones are worth 1 biscuit.
5 Biscuits are worth 1 crumpet.
1 Crumpet is worth...erm, 1 crumpet.
So, if a hot crumpet in Mrs Miggin's Tea-Shop costs 4 crumpets and I have 356 biscuits in my wallet, what day is it in France?
Sports
It is common knowledge that England invented all sports. It is also common knowledge that if the sport turns out to be any good, then England immediately become rubbish at it. England's national sport should not be confused with its religion, football. Its actual national sport is Tiddlywinks.
England has a tradition of being knocked out in the quarter finals of any competition. Failure to live up to this tradition is seen as disrespectful and should be avoided. Occasionally they like to get knocked out in the final, though this is a rare occurrence (the chances of England getting to a final is next to nothing).
Religion
England's main religion is that of football. The players are worshipped by chav kind, who make up most of the population. Should a match result go badly,then it is a sign that the Gods are displeased. To placate them, the fans often go on drunken rampages and try to beat up as many of the opposite teams fans as possible.
The major living spiritual leader is Grand Wizard Beckham. Another popular leader is Jesus who played in goal for England's world cup victory of 1966. A very important part of football is money. Money can be used for bribery or buying up all the best players. A cheap player generally costs about about 10 crumpets or £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The money is offered to appease the Gods.
Many foreign countries claim to have beaten England at various football matches, though everyone knows England haven't been beaten once. They have in fact lost thousands of games.
Military
See also America.
England has a finely trained army, who can take on the most powerful enemies - unarmed tribesmen. Many of the battles throughout England's history consist of a great army of tribesmen armed with very sharp sticks and pieces of fruit. Facing this terrible foe are the completely outnumbered and outgunned English who only have machine guns, artillery and tanks to defend themselves with, yet they can still emerge triumphant.
It is incredibly dangerous to come between an Englishman and his cup of tea. Most of the famous battles throughout recent history have taken place because of this, including the horrific massacre at the Battle of Waterloo where Napoleon was hogging the sugarbowl.
Famous English Conflicts
Battle of Hastings Direct
This battle all started over car insurance. Esure thought they had the best insurance deals, but Hastings Direct disagreed. This was followed by a bloody conflict, in which the Esure mouse defeated Harod. from that day forward, it was decided that compare the market.com would decide who offered the best car insurance.
The Great Scottish Wars
Scotland has always been hated by the English. So much so that a wall was built to keep the Scots and their nasty smell out. Throughout England's history, the Scots have always been attacked as they lacked the intelligence to actually win a war. It made good sport for the English and was always good for a laugh. Whats not to like about a hairy Scotsman running at you screaming with no weapons?
Hundred Years War
The King of England was bored one day so he decided to create a war against the easiest targets. The French. The war did not actually last for 100 years as everyone back then were illiterate. Instead it lasted 5 minutes until the French surrendered.
War of the Roses
The English gardeners started a fight over the issue of "which roses are more beautiful – the red or the white ones?" A similar dilemma emerged many years later in Russia proving that England is far more advanced than Russia in that respect.
The Spanish Armada
The Spanish prepared an invasion fleet of 240 ships. During their voyage they met the greatest defense. English weather. As it rained all of the time they got depressed. Also a slight breeze wiped out most of the fleet so they took the hint and headed home
English Civil War
As it was a civil war, everyone was very nice to each other about it. It was not a barbaric revolution like in other countries, but instead was a peaceful beheading of the King and the destruction of his army.
American Revolution
A group of colonials decided to make the worlds largest cup of tea by pouring all their tea supplies into Boston harbour. As any civilised person knows, you should not get between an Englishman and his tea. 30000 English regulars faced 10000 colonial militia. The English won most of the battles, captured most of the cities and lost all of the war. All in all, a similar performance to its sports teams.
Crimean War
One of England's greatest military victories occurred here. This was the charge of the light brigade. England cunningly made its elite troops run into a valley full of cannons to work out where they were. The plan was successful as the trail of bodies led directly to the cannons.
Scramble for Africa
The small English force of 10 men defeated 5000,000,000,000 Zulus blindfolded. It was a close battle with one English soldier grazing his knee. The Zulus never released their version of the battle.
WW1
The English used a brilliant new tactic in this war. It involved running at the enemy machine guns with a target painted on their chest. They believed this was th last thing the Germans would expect so they repeated this throughout the war. Amazingly the Germans seemed to be able to predict this move a gunned them all down. It was suggested that the Germans had a high ranking spy.
WW2
England didn't really care about Hitler until part way through the war. He invaded France. the English were horrified at this, as they wanted to e the ones to do it. In an epic fight the English fought to the last Frenchman (killing the last few themselves) and than bravely fled across the Channel.
This was followed by the Battle of Britain which involved getting bombed continuously util the Germans finally ran out of bombs and had to give up. then the English, feeling sorry for the Germans, decided to give them back all their metal by bombing Germany.
Towards the end of the war there was the battle of Normandy. this gave the English the chance to finally invade France and get away with it as it had Germans in it. They used this same excuse when they blew up the French fleet.
War for Indian Independence
The English beat the hell out of the Indians and then granted them independence.
The MP War
A day where every British citizen and newspaper decided they hated every politician, MP and government official. A war was started in the name of Bob Hope's ghost who led the Chavtastic army to freedom from the MP oppresors, who are no branded as peadophilic terrorists who hate kittens.
Tourism
Who in their right mind would want to go on holiday to England?
People who are not English
- The Queen - (German)
- Gerry Adams - (IRA)
- Madonna. (American, no Italian, um?)
Gordon Brownwho?- Tony Blair - (
ScottishWithout Nationality) - The Duke of Edinburgh - (Greek)
- Oscar Wilde - (Uncyclopedian)
- The Welsh (Welsh)
- The Scots (Scottish)
- Scousers (God knows)
- Danger Mouse (not actually a real person)
See Also
- Margaret Thatcher
- Beckham
- Eastenders
- Iron Maiden
- The Beatles
- British Line of Succession
- Church of England
- The Former Great Britian
- Scotland (actually don't it's even worse)
References
Barmy British Stuff 
