End of Time
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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from Before the End of Time to the End of Time.
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“Is it tomorrow? Or just the end of time?”
~ Jimi Hendrix on the end of time
“The end is not the beginning, nor the middle, but a new beginning for the middle to follow.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the end of time
“Very hard to run through time isnt it!”
~ Pteradon on the end of time
Have you ever noticed that at the end of every fentosecond (0.000000000000001 of a second), another one begins? See for yourself. At the beginning of the next fentosecond, wait until it ends to see if another begins. It did, correct? If it didn't, you have just experienced the end of time.
Contents |
[edit] Discovery
From: MR KURISU Dear Sir, I am Mr Kurisu, Director of Project, Nigeria Ministry of Mining & Natural Resources, writing this during the end of time. I am making this contact with you based on the committee's need for an individual/company who is willing to assist us with a solution to a money transfer. First and foremost, I apologize using this medium to reach you for a transaction/business of this magnitude, but this is due to the inability to send messages through other mediums through time. In unfolding this proposal, I want to count on you, as a respected and honest person to handle this transaction with sincerity, trust and confidentiality. I have decided to seek a confidential co-operation with you in the execution of the deal described hereunder for the benefit of all parties and hope you will keep it as a top secret because of the nature of this transaction. Within the Ministry of Mining and Natural Resources where I work as Director of Project Implemention and with the cooperation of four other top officials, we have in our possession as overdue payment bills totaling Thirty Three Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$33,500,000.) which we want to transfer to your year (2000) with the assistance and cooperation of a past company/individual to receive the said fund on our behalf or a reliable past non-company account to receive such funds. More so, we are handicapped in the circumstances, as the South Africa Civil Service Act of End of Time does not allow us to operate past accounts, hence your importance in the whole transaction. This amount $33.5m represents the balance of the total contract value executed on behalf of my Department by a past contracting firm, which we the officials over-invoiced deliberately. Though the actual contract cost have been paid to the original contractor, leaving the balance in the tune of the said amount which we have in principles got the approval to remit by Key Telegraphic Transfer(K.T.T) to any past bank account you will provide by filing in an application through the Ministry of Justice here in Nigeria for the transfer of rights and privileges of the former contractor to you. I have the authority of my partners involved to propose that, should you be willing to assist us in the transaction, your share of the sum will be 10% of the $33.5 million, 70% for us and 5% for taxation and miscellaneous expenses and while balance 5% will go to charity organisation. The business itself is 100% safe, on your part provided you treat it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. However, aid from the Solomon Project has been lacking when we need it most. Also your area of specialization is not a hindrance to the successful execution of this transaction. I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me. Endeavor to contact me immediately through my e-mail to confirm whether or not you are interested in this deal. If you are not, it will enable me scout for another foreign partner to carry out this deal. I want to assure you that my partners and myself are in a position to make the payment of this claim possible provided you can give us a very strong Assurance and guarantee that our share will be secured and please, remember to treat this matter very confidential, because we will not comprehend with any form of exposure as we are still in active Government Service. Once again, remember that time is of great essence in this transaction. I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation. Yours faithfully, Mr. Kurisu
With Bush's aid, Kurisu safely reached the year 2000. After giving Bush his cut, he then went on to give away secrets of the end of time that are now considered well known.
[edit] How things will be different
- Everything will remain motionless, except for certain "time spurts", during which things can move. Even then, movement will be limited to "no faster than a cripple without a wheelchair".
- Time machines will simply be called machines.
- No need to sleep, eat, or go to the toilet.
- All clocks, calendars, sundials, and hourglasses will display a blue screen of death.
- You can go to work at 6:32 PM, leave one minute later, then tell your boss that you showed up early and stayed for your entire post and he won't have a clue.
- Because the rules of time no longer apply, you will finally be able to stop singing The Song That Never Ends whenever you want.
- You'll be losing The Game for the rest of your life. Dammit!! I lost the game!!
- Pop tart toasting will be illegal. However, heating them up by microwaving them for three seconds won't.
- 90% = 100%
- Windows End of Time will be the last version of Windows to be released.
- Starcraft Ghost, ghost busters 3,and Duke Nukem Forever will be released (ABOUT TIME!!!)
- Corby will finally become inhabitable
- Duke Nukem Forever could be released. But
- Gordon Freeman Will be able to talk, and have sex with Alyx Vance
- All your base are belong to them, we LOST THE WAR!
- Urkel will be white, much to everyone's expectations.
- The Hero of Time will simply be known as The Hero, because time will no longer exist.
- The Mario Bros. will now be known as The Luigi Bros.
- I will be nominated for an MTV VMA award. (YESSSSSSS)
[edit] Events that will occur during the end of time
{Note that this includes the events in The End Of Time which aren't on this page for some reason.}
- There will be no time left, much to everyone's surprise.
- The Axis Of Evil Doers will release their doom onto the word and raise the state tax of Washington.
- Kathy Lee Gifford will finally return to Earth after a long trip back from wherever the black hole that Kathy Griffin pushed her into was.
- Camfrog Will be banned.
- Kathy Griffin and Kathy Lee Gifford will duke it out in a fist fight for the second time to finally see who the best Kathy is.
- The Philippines will evolve to a black hole.
- The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny 2 will take place.
- Chuck Norris punishes the sinners on earth by forcing them to watch The Hills eternally.
- Petunia the Skunk finally won't care if she gets dirty.
- Cuddles will rape Petunia for 19,453,897,194,598,697,476,679th time.
- McDonalds will be destroyed by every other restaurant corporation.
- George Dubya Bush gets impeached. ;)
- Everything that is in development hell will be made/released simultaneously.
- John McCain will be about 133,729,345,312,587,369,027,467,259,666,133,435,136,141,518,413,372,683,573,142,136,214,624,671,245,139,000 years old. This means that he was elected for a third term, most likely due to the use of time travel shortly before the end of time.
- The Land Before Time series will end because the series implodes into itself, killing that universe.
- Direct To DVD Disney movies will cease to exist because The Welsh Rarebit goes back in time and stops them from being made.
- Al Gore will kill the last Man bear pig! And then he will be killed by Rosie O' Donnell 5000.
- Hell freezes over (Again).
- Various annoying idiots that have nothing to say beyond unfunny random stupid petty insults to the reader of this page for no reason will have vandalized the shit out of this page, causing their heads to asplode.
- Bunnies playing will eat your food.
- A box of Pocky in Japan's currency Yen will cost ¥547,878,905,408,962,354,908,356,468,903,541,210,283,905,528,716.
- Sinners will begin to fry like chicken, if sins were real, of course.
- The stars will explode one by one just to make things more dramatic.
- Meatloaf has prayers answered; also will finally be able to ditch his girlfriend.
- Meatloaf will finally be willing to do "that" for love.
- In a freak internet meltdown, Tetris will become real... only to crush billions of people in the process.
- Turtles will take over the world.
- Time will end. That is perhaps one of the main events occurring during the end of time. The feature presentation, if you will.
- The new Ipod Nano generation 5,465,643,754,102,405,486 is released with the warning label warning you to try not to inhale it on accident by breathing too deeply.
- Wikipedia and Uncyclopedia will merge and destroy the universe, as someone will finally have listened to The Killers song that tells you how.
- Each member of the Bureau for Editing Time Itself will find themselves bored and eventually will commit suicide.
- Black Sabbath starts to tour Heaven and Hell again.
- God's judgment will begin. He will drive a Honda because the bible say's that he traveled with one a-cord. Those people who have given their soul to God will be saved and sent to Heaven. Those people who have not done so will theoretically be sent to Hell, but since God doesn't own their souls, he can't do crap.
- The power high scores will be finalized.
- Linkin Park will continue sucking.
- Due to a clerical error, Time Magazine will mistake the end of all time with the end of its publication, which will then no longer be distributed. People with subscriptions will be refunded in full even if they have only a month left, so be sure to get one eleven months prior.
- American Samoa, San Marino and Papua New Guinea will finally get a point in the FIFA world rankings.
- I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE LIVING
- The sand used in the Great Hourglass will be used to break the world record for the biggest sandcastle.
- Trailers for the sequel, Time II, will be released.
- KidsBop Series will end because children will have stopped being made.
- A mouse, a rubber mouse, a computer mouse, and a robotic mouse will have an orgy, resulting in the birth of the Omega Mouse!
- Soviet Russia's most popular institution, the Russian reversal, will double-reverse upon itself, rendering a formerly factual statement such as "In Soviet Russia, teeth brush YOU!!" into the utterly nonsensical "In Soviet Russia, you brush TEETH!!" Stalin died then came back to life for this reason. It is also widely speculated to be one of the main causes for time's end, since the wealthy bankers who control the Russian reversal noticed that the fabric of the space-time continuum would be reversed along with the inevitable double-reverse of the Russian reversal, as calculated by famed Russian scientist, Boris Karloff. In Soviet Russia, space time continuum rips hole in YOU!!
- A Sonic the Hedgehog 3D platformer will be ranked as one of the greatest games of all time, despite the fact that Jason Griffith kept his voice acting job after 300,000,000,000 fan boys sign a petition for his removal.
- Your girlfriend will get run over by a Native American in a bunny suit, then you'll shoot him in the eye because he killed your hoe. Then a portal will open over you house and suck in a magical plane engine.
- You find an old man, a light post, some portals, and some Goku looking guy. The old man will be accompanied by a creature that changes appearance depending on how strong you are. If you're a coward who runs away from everything, he'll look like a frog. If you wasted time killing everything in sight, he'll look like some pink thing. When the end of time finally comes, the reason why a pink thing is the essence of power will still not be known.
- You find a pair of buckets. One bucket has the ability to restore your health and strength, but the other one magically dumps you at the moment of the world's destruction. Seriously, make sure you know which one is which before messing with them.
- Pigs WILL fly. So you can cash in on all of your friends promises.
- Pokemon and Digimon will become a reality, much to everyone's dismay.
- Tiberius, the great feline god of all things, will save Canada, Japan, Dragons, Cats, Nintendo, Aliandra, Liberals and Dream Land from the time freeze and King Dedede.
- The Great Pie (whom everyone thought was the Sun) finally finishes cooking. Tempted by it's own delicious filling, it swallows itself. Thus, a wormhole is created. The entire Universe gets sucked into it. Eventually, a new Universe forms, with the newly born Great Pie.
- The Cubs finally go to Saudi Arabia to get their asses kicked by terrorists.
- Penguins defeat the Puffins after thousands of years of war. They did this by saying, "look over there!" While the Puffins looked away the Penguins killed them using nuclear weapons.
- Penguins, ninjas, grues, and pie will all team up and take over the world.
- The Body of Tom Cruise will be burned by all his followers.
- Pepsi will taste different than Coke, 7up and Squirt will taste different than Sprite, and Sunkist and Crush will taste different than kitten huffing.
- Duke Nukem Forever's release will be delayed until next year. Dammit.
- Microsoft will ship Vista, with forward-compatibility.
- France will win a war.... then surrender. Then win again, only to realize it was only a dream.
- Michael Moore joins the Republican Party and declares a "War on Fast Food".
- Flavor Of Love 418,370,256,093.7 and 1/2 will be the last one, as Newyork has killed every other human being with her atrociously ugly ape face and personality.
- Hunter Dunning will finger his dog....again
- Arceus finally wakes up, God jumps onto his back and everything becomes spiritual due to an intense barrage of Judgments. They will get carried away and accidentally destroy Satan, shrug, make up, and get started on the racer for the soap-box derby.
- Dialga sacrifices himself after Palkia tries to blow up and destroy all universes, hence only causing the end of the Pokemon universe.
- The Trix Rabbit will finally catch up with those little pricks, slaughter them mercilessly and eat a bowl of Trix.
- Cricket, the popular English game, will become more popular than Football in the United States.
- Coldplay will enter a circle jerk fight with Radiohead to finally decide once and for all who's music is better... and lose epically to Radiohead's awesomeness.
- Steven Morrison will go to Pluto and die instantly.
- George Dubbya Bush (George W.Bush's unknown son) will have a ban on Mexican, German, Hawaiian, and Rwandan food for unknown reasons, besides the fact the fact that he's an idiot.
- The Grand Republic of Cleveland will detonate an antimatter bomb at the North Pole, killing Santa and averting the Christmas Nerve Gas Attack.
- Pepsi will taste different than Coke, 7up and Squirt will taste different than Sprite, and Sunkist and Crush will taste different than each other and kitten huffing.
- Kathy Lee Gifford will finally reveal herself as Kathy Griffin.
- The Final Battle between Heaven and Hell will resume on the fields of Pellennor where it took place so long ago.
- Jimmy Kimmel and Dane Cook will finally tell a funny joke... okay, not really.
- The fat lady will sing. (Rosie O'Donnell)
- The little Lucky Charms leprechaun will finally be caught and horrifically mutilated by small children who will then steal all of his lifetime-supply of Lucky Charms.
- Ninjas will fuse with pirates to become the ultimate killing machine.
- Ozzy Osbourne will finally become comprehensible, just in time for him to say, "HOLY CRAP, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!"
- World War π finally accepts that it did exist after all, and ends. Circles rejoice, before noting the end of Time and promptly commit suicide.
When the End of Time ends... or something like that
- A giant asteroid the size of Dubya's ears will hit Earth, causing all plants to evolve into mutant bacterial parasites which will eat the pubic hair of all living beings.
- The Soviet Union will form again and go to war with the United States and Germany, launching thousands of nuclear bombs and sending the world into a nuclear winter. British communist Comrade Neil Clark will celebrate this as an appropriate vengeance for "turbo capitalism". Meanwhile, the entire populace of the United Kingdom will watch the war instead of playing cricket for once, and the French will bake baguettes and croissants to feed both sides.
- The sun will expand and swallow the Earth. It will NOT however, taste like chicken.
- Johnny Depp will reveal himself to be an obese plaid shirt wearing lesbian named 'Freda'. The genocide of all of earths teenage girls follows shortly after.
- Michael Jackson will implode into his "nose", then his "nose" will get pooped on by Triumph The Insult Comic Dog.
- Rubik's Cube will be solved and will explode in a five mile radius.
- Many will likely be eaten by a grue since it will be dark.
- Chuck Norris will finally be killed... by a Grue.
- Chuck Norris kills himself and the grue that killed him.
- Chuck Norris kills his zombie form.
- The Grue will be slaughtered by Chuck Norris in retaliation... again.
- Conservatives will become pro gay marriage.
- Emperor Quintana will rule the Earth's moon, due to majority disapproval over world domination on Earth; he will also end up spending his cash on civilization, major plastic surgery, and total interplanetary war (after having to breed said grue in his subterranean laboratory).
- The muffin man will finally start baking cookies.
- You will be allowed to smoke marijuana in churches. While getting married.
- Samuel L Jackson and Denzel Washington will have a baby named Krysta who suffers from A.D.D. and will soon marry Napoleon Dynamite
- Microsoft Sam will be shot by someone called Harman
- The worlds largest female strip volleyball televised. Men watch with pleasure... :D
- Dial up will finally stop being used.
- Black Metal artists finally figure out they look bad in corpse paint.
- Sony flat screen TVs will be 4 atoms thick and have one weakness, Scottish people living in Wales.
- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
- The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl on Febtober 30th
- The Undertaker will be crowned the New and Challenged Dark Lord of Darkness. He will defeat Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, Satan, Eric Cartman, Joseph Stalin, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and, The Evil One, Bob Saget all at once.
- Metallica, Slipknot, Disturbed, and System of a Down all merge together, forming System of a Disturbed MetalliKnot, generating 1,712,937,617,200,890,000,000,100.18279172-ERROR decibels of pure eviltude.
- We all have lunch at the center of the Milky Way.
- FSM will send the pastafarians to heaven were the great beer volcano rests.RAmen!
- Americans immigrate to Mexico.
- I get a life.
- (Insert Random Generic Anime Storyline Here)
- The video game Shenmue III will be released
- Manchester City will be sitting at the top of the FA Premiership
- Brett Favre Retires
[edit] New Life
- Dinosaurs will come back but Greenpeace will make them extinct again.
- Tasmanian Tigers will come back and Steve Irwin will wrestle them.
- Tourettes Guy WILL come back to life but he will die in another car crash
- Oscarius Wildestius Start to appear around what used to be Iraq.
- Walrusguy Will come back but colgate will ban him again!
[edit] Events that will NOT occur during the end of time
- Chuck Norris will cry.
- The Song That Never Ends will end. Did you really think a little obstacle such as the End of Time would affect the juggernaut of that infernal song? Suck on THAT, bitches!!
- Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and related mythical humans will cease to be the subject of 3:00 AM, seven-hour conversations between bored and undersexed computer nerds.
- Federal taxes will end.
- Britain will not be ruled by crazed Monty Python's Flying Circus fans.
- English soccer fans behave in an orderly manner at a match.
- Scientology will be proved a credible religion.
- Everyone will win 100 Million buckets from God.
- Will Fuehr will find his wienner.
- Limewire, Morpheus, and Frostwire will finally let you download good quality porn and not give you viruses on any type of download.
- Tyra Banks will stop using the word fierce.
- A dog will devour a horse.
- You getting laid
- You will develop a forked tongue.
- The Never Ending Story will end.
- Gordon Ramsay ceases to use profanity.
- Squash will become a sexy sport.
- Sony will realize that they're idiots for making the PS3
- The Beginning of Time will occur (unproven).
- God will die.
- Satan will be enlightened.
- Adolf Hitler will rise from the dead, realize he is gay, and lead the futuristic underground skinheads to victory.
- The Pac man high score will be beaten.
- Final Fantasy wont be as far as MMDCLLLXXIII.
- The King of Hyrule won`t wonder what`s for dinner.
- Bands The Who and Dio will cease to be the the greatest rock entities the universe will ever know.
- Sonic the Hedgehog Dies by getting fucked too hard by Tails.
- Chase the hedgehog will finally kill his ego, ditch MS Paint, and learn how to draw.
[edit] Fun facts
- It was originally thought that because of the theory that time equals money, that the end of time would also be the end of money. However, this has since been proven false by Trump's Toupee.
- Attempts to add sand to the Great Hourglass to lengthen time were proposed. They were shot down when leading scientists agreed that 2017 would probably suck major cock anyways, since ten years before that sucked too.
- A calculating error in 1996 resulted in the belief that time ended in April of that year. Panic dominated the planet until Isaac Newton discovered his error.
- Time is not the only dimension that will be cut. In 2009, it is expected that height will end as well.
- It is generally assumed that the end of time is full of Popcorn, when in reality, it is generally motionless and boring.
- USAM-Striker's Law: 2TK=Pr Squared P2=B Squared When TK=Teamkill, P=Punt, R=Radius B=Ban
- Would time have been Open Source, it would not have had this "Feature".
- If you go into the room behind the old man standing by the lamp post, and walk along the wall clockwise three times, you will be able to use magic. Depending on the person, it can be one of many different elements. Currently in existence are Lightning, Fire, Ice, Water, Shadow, and AIDS though some say that they have heard of magics called the unforgivable curses. They are avada kedavra, crucio, imperio, and rape you hard. The only downside is that you need a wand to be able to perform them. I suggest Olivander's or Premier Adult Factory Outlet. After you are blessed with the powers of magic, you will then be challenged by the one who gave you those powers. It is advisable to kill him as quickly as possible so he doesn't change his mind and take your magic away. After you kill him he drops various helpful drugs and ability enhancers. But he is then re-incarnated as something stronger. You must fight him until he reaches his final form, Robo-Voldemort, and destroy him. Only then will your magic powers be secured. If you should fail, you're body will lie in his chamber forever in preservative juices so he can have fun with your corpse at his convenience. If you are a robot or a caveman, then you are out of luck in the first place as you cannot use magic.
- Fun facts do not exist.
[edit] Kronos
"I am [Iron Man] the end of time!"
Explorers will discover Einstein's tomb, which contains unfinished research on the theory that time does not actually exist. Scientists prove this theory to be correct, and begin working on creating time.
It's Over NINE THOUSAAAANNNDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This video shows how the whole ultraverse will end one day King harkinian is eating dinner but then he wants more but accidently swallows all matter
In All Honesty
Somebody divided by zero.
[edit] Other points in time
- Jesus Time
- Beginning of Time
- After the End of Time
- Middle of time
- Days of Yore
- Some of the Time
- All the Time
- Do You Have the Time?
- Party Time
- Game Time
- (STOP) Hammer Time
- Tea Time
- Peanut Butter Jelly Time
- Tool Time
- You have no chance to survive Make your time
- Chuck Norris time (AKA: killing time)
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