Emperor of Mankind

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The Emperor of Mankind is a central figure in Warhammer 40,000 — basically, a deified Conan the Barbarian.

Born in questionable circumstances in the stone age, he hung out for a while giving humanity pointers throughout the millennia. He may have been several of the "good" leaders throughout history, because he can change his appearance, one of the powers included in the term "omnipotent." He is benevolent to the species, but in a Tough Love way.

When mankind went galactic and things were good, he was set to retire, but then Terminator Salvation happened and he got up, took a deep breath, and went public.

He unified Terra and the Solar system. Then the Great Crusade happened. The Primarchs, the Legio Astartes, the vengeance, the glory, the brutality. Then things went south quickly when some of his lab freaks went rogue. Then the Empra was wounded in a battle against his golden boy and is now in the Golden Throne where he is worshipped throughout the Imperium as a god. Even today, the people of the Imperium of Man worship his rotting corpse. He is alive and helps people but it's not the same.

edit Beginnings

The Emperor's rise to power during the Age of Strife, once he made up his mind, was fast. Rising from humble shop keeping beginnings, he soon maintained a chain of emporiums originating in what would become Vietnam, and became a powerful, rich and famous man with a direct audience of the kings and rulers of the time. Many called him the 'Rouge Trader' because fully 70% of his Emporiums dealt in make-up and related cosmetics.

In time, this fame and unprecedented access to the rulers of the Asiatic continent gained him the opportunity to rise to power in the courts, and he organized a largely peaceful coup of the states and united them under his banner. His dominance was total, but he inspired a fierce loyalty in his subjects through his bucket loads of charisma and, no doubt, through his powerful psychic abilities. Who said that?

edit Accomplishments

The Emperor's first reign in ancient times was largely undocumented during his time, as under his rule he suppressed all forms of the written word, for fear of the peasant masses writing instruction manuals and Chuck Norris facts. However, one of his descendants, The Unholy One, decreed that all of his forefather's deeds 'must be writ on the air itself'. Rolling their eyes, his scribes wrote it down on paper, and just told him they had done as he asked.

Hence we now know that the man who became Emperor, after cornering the market on cheap rouge and eyeliner, began to crave more and more. He locked himself away in his vaults and only his maniac cackles could be heard echoing through his palace while he painted himself all shades of the rainbow in lip gloss. Then something happened to him. The records are unclear as to the nature of the epiphany the Emperor underwent, but they all agree with Aegis the Procrastian when he wrote in AD134 that 'it must have been pretty fucking crazy.'

There was no noise from the vaults for some time. The clerks went about their business in the palace, filling out shipping orders and stamping the incoming forms. Then he appeared to them, with raven hair and golden robes, with sandals flashing with fire and his mascara perfectly applied. And yea, he was right mighty.

Domination of the rest of the earth came quickly afterwards. The nations of Middle Earth, as the Afro-Eurasian lands were then known, fell quickly to him and his clerks. No boutique was safe, no perfume counter was left unturned. The Emperor finally decided to put his degree in genetics into use. Thunder Warriors were a thing for a while. He then started recruiting some of the very first space Jacksons, a good chunk of them coming from Albania, particularly the mafia, and soon all of the lands were his, and his alone.

And he did sit upon a throne made of jade. And the models of the earth did their little turns on the catwalk for him.

Oh, and the Emporiums live on today, in spirit if not in fact, in the Wal-Mart chain, which can also trace its roots back to ancient Asia.

edit See Also

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