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The emo virus (commonly, emo-itis) is a contagious disease classified as the world's only Class Four Epidemic. It has been around ever since time began, but was only identified as a disease in the 1980's, by Dr. Alex Jones and Dr. Beau Moore in the 1980's. Sufferers of the malady were dramatized in the popular documentary movie Finding Emo.
The emo virus is the worst virus since heavymetalfluenza. Only certain people are immune to this virus, due to genetic make-up, a course of jabs, or a strong herd mentality. These people include folk musicians and ravers.
Famous carriers of the virus include Darth Vader, Judge Judy, Herman Munster, and one kid in the back of every class (the quiet one that nobody bothers with until after the playground shooting spree). People free of the virus cannot tolerate anyone showing even the smallest symptoms. This only results in the virus becoming more entrenched.
The emo virus affects people on five levels:
- Minor emo-ness — A little moody. Runny nose.
- Moderate — Grumpy, slams doors, sits in bedroom all day.
- Severe — Wears a black t-shirt, writes down negative feelings, speech replaced by grunting.
- Critical — Hangs around graveyards, wears black eyeliner, loses the ability to laugh. Increasing similarity to 90's goths, minus the cider drinking.
- Johnny Cash
The emo virus hunts out crowd followers trying to be different who simply aren't. Once a person is infected, the virus remains in their system until an epiphany occurs. The epiphany may be the result of interruption of a support system, whether dropping out of college or being kicked out of the basement. The patient suddenly sees the virtue of becoming a junior sales rep, once their parents have told them it is time to bugger off and start their own "life" — rather than keep pretending they want to end it. Taking a couple of aspirin a day also works.
Those who do not recover end up either joining the clergy, the City Council, or a good fantasy sports league.
edit Infection vectors
One can catch the emo virus in many ways. However, the easiest way is to pay attention to Roy Orbison or Lewis Black. Other ways include developing a strong sense of self-entitlement, joining a junior left-wing political movement, or hanging about in the rain to make self-pity into an art form.
As the emo virus is contagious, hanging around other emos — if a person can tolerate the never-ending drips and moans — can bring the subject's immune system down sufficiently to be prone to infection. Focusing on the pretense that a victim of enhanced emotions, is limited to overt negativity and has nothing to do with being a dick, is the first sign of contagion, the "common cold" equivalent of the far more serious bipolarenza. Treatment is also similar, the latter being debilitating and sometimes requiring hospital treatment, the former requiring nothing but being told to "man-up and shut-up," and have an apple rather than Twinkies for a change.
edit The Emo-dar
In the year 2002, Dr. Alex Jones invented the first ever fully functional Emo locater, or "Emo-dar" for short. He wanted to find out whether the emo virus was present in those that did not wear black lipstick and cut their arms. Dr Jones first tested it at a local high school, and to his surprise discovered that the majority of Emo's at the high-school were IT and music teachers.
Interestingly, intermittent signals were being received from the art department, but never a full "lock-on". Further tweaks to the invention to get to the bottom of the problem, resulting in the birth of the now well established and very reliable gaydar.
edit The Cure
The Cure, a goth rock band fronted by lead moaner Robert Smith, is part of that small but happily miserable proportion of the population that is congenitally depressing rather than a victim of an itinerant virus. Calling themselves The Cure, when they are really the symptom, the band seeks to solve the huge problem a sunny disposition can cause, by transmitting the emo virus so widely as to make the band itself seem relatively chipper.
The band raises awareness of sufferers of the emo virus, by getting onto the charts as a team of celebrity wretches. Smith has fronted shows on Emo TV such as Ready, Steady, Self-Harm, Hell's Kitchen Knives, and Dejected with the Stars.
edit Raising awareness
Those concerned about the tendency to become a miserable bastard (before it happens naturally in middle age) can join The Shuffle to Cure Emo. Your donation helps dedicated public health professionals convince sufferers of emo-itis — with their doting parents, a nice life, food on the table, and a comfortable bed — to wake up and smell the sodding roses.