Emo Prison

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“Wouldn't they like being locked up? It would give them a proper reason to be miserable, rather than just being a douchbag.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Emo Prison

This emo is in unbearable pain. Although her heart appears to be bleeding, it is doing her no apparent harm. The dolphins however, are a different story completely.

The Emo Prison is a secret facility located deep within the Carpathian Mountains, constructed and operated by the United States government for the purpose of imprisoning and detaining suspected Emos. It began as a quarantine facility, under the assumption that emo was a terrible contagious virus that permanently stained the heart, clothing, hair, and eyelids a distinct an hideous shade of black. After an elite team of french scientists, led by Vas Deferens discovered that it was in fact not a virus, but a condition similar to vampirism or Lycanthropy, the government-sanctioned emo detection and detainment program truly began to take shape. Between the years of 2004 and 2006, upwards of 7,000 suspected emos were arrested and detained, under the Emo Detaining program.

edit Origins

The Emo Detection agency was first formed in 2002 as a means of detecting possible Emo kids and locking them up before they harm themselves, harm others, or worse: gross people out by wearing clothes that only Hot girls should wear. Under the Emo Detection and Detainment act, the government can eavesdrop on all phone calls and internet chatrooms, and anyone who says a phrase even remotely emo (such as nobody understands why a middle-class white kid who has more than some African children will ever have in their life has reason to bitch so much and life sux, thank god 4 my myspace, greenday roolz) is immediately arrested and shipped off to an Emo detainment facility.

edit International Response

In 2005, a movement began when American movie-stars began to protest the treatment of emo captives in the Carpathian Mountain facility, but this movement was quickly put to an end when they found something else to whine about. Afterwards, attitudes shifted, and the Americans were praised for their actions that verged on genocidal. After all, no country other than America has any emo kids anyway, so none of them really cared.

edit At Home Emo Euthanasia

Recently, as attitudes have changed, it has become socially acceptable to put your emo loved ones out of their misery. Thus, the Emo Death Kit was born. Since its release, over 2,000 emo children have been put to death by their parents, and over 500 by their fed up friends. The "Emo Death Kit" is also suitable for self-administration. Since emo's already have a high suicide rate, the "Emo Death Kit" corporation decided to make it all that much easier for the emo to bring an end to his/her pain! So if you are a depressed, whining little emo, you can kill yourself and become famous when your mom blames it on your favorite band!

edit Conditions in Emo Prisons

Very few people have penetrated Emo prisons, so what conditions are like inside is shrouded in mystery. However, the walls of the cells are probably covered in posters for Green Day, My Chemical Romance, and other bands that express the supposed counterculture beliefs of the Emo populace. The federal government reserves the right to detain suspected Emos indefinitely. They will not be put on trial, for most judges aren't young enough to look an emo kid in the face without having a heart attack.

All prisoners in Emo prisons are sentenced to die. Alone. In the rain. On Christmas. Which is also their birthday. Which everyone forgot.

edit "Weekend at Emo Prison"

Earlier in 2006, MTV sponsored the creation of a documentary film, made by emos, that would explore the inner workings of Emo Prison. The film crew was immediately put to death. MTV aired the footage of their murders during TRL to make up for lost funds. A 50 Cent track was later added to the video, and it quickly reached slot #1.

edit Goth Prison

Due to praise for the Emo Prison, England has recently set up a Goth Prison, in which 1980's goths are turned into name-brand dogfood. Among the first to go, Sauron, Ian Curtis, and The Ghost of Rozz Williams.

edit See Also

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