Eminem
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Eminem is a rare albino rapper that was caught unexpectedly in the wild in 2001. Up till this point scientists believed the last ones died out in the early 80's. His platinum blonde plumage, puzzling behavior and haunting call have fascinated onlookers for several years.
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[edit] Origin/The Mathers-Woods Quantum Parallel Freakshit Dimension Theory
Everyone has a destiny, whether they know it or not. There's a path that fate calls them to with a subtle, tidal attraction. It directs the coincidence, timing and synergy in our lives but what, if anything directs destiny.
Apparently not a whole lot. Destiny has all the aim and grace of a seagull with explosive diarrhea. Destiny just fall on the poor suckers below it without structure or reason and, as was proven in 2003 sometimes two people receive eachother's destiny.
Marshall Bruce Mathers III (the larval form of Eminem) was born to a mother addicted to blah-blah-blah in downtown blah-blah-blah, he worked hard at blah-blah-blah until he was discovered in blah-blah-blah. We all know how rappers are made (if not it's time to have that important talk with your parents about the Words and the G's and the Beats and the M.C.'s). Pretty standard really but in 2003 hit stardom with the best selling rap album of the year, a landmark achievement for an albino rapper. At the same time, in a different place, Tiger Woods became the top earning professional golfer of the year.
The implications were obvious. You know those alternate timelines kids these days are always theorizing about, like what if Germany had won World War Two or what if Kennedy had shot Lee Harvey Oswald with a sniper rifle? We're living in one! We're seriously living in one right this fucking minute!!!
Somewhere, in the normal universe some kid is saying to his "You know what would be crazy, man? What if Tiger Woods became a golfer and Marshall Mathers was a rap star" and then they'd both laugh because they're still sort of baked...
...and everyone on Earth looks like some sort of Frankenstein-pig!!!
Only in a freakshit universe like ours would a black man named Tiger Woods become anything other than a gangster rapper. He wouldn't even have to come up with a clever stage name. His name is something that implies toughness and ferocity paired with something alluding to an erection. That's enough material for 8 rap albums right there. He'd always wear orange and black and dry hump dancers with huge asses in every video. If you're born with a name like Tiger Woods or Gladiator Hugeboner or Gorilla Powergroin it would be crazy to become any besides a popular musician or a porn star.
Now try saying this a few times "The crowd is dead silent. Mathers switches to his wedge... no... his nine iron. It's going to be a a very difficult shot from this lie... and... my goodness! it's in. What a tremendous shot. Marshall Bruce Mathers the Third wins the invitational cup. This man is set to be the PGA's rising star."
It's almost uncanny how perfectly normal that sounds. You can almost hear the extremely soft and polite applause and smell the highly groomed and treated grass of the fairway. You can almost get a glimpse beyond the veils of causality..but NO. You're sitting here in your bizarro universe, illegally downloading "The Real Slim Shady" and "Stan" on Limewire while shoving a bottle of Tiger Woods brand Gatorade into your snoutless, shallow browed face.
You fucking freak!
[edit] Professional Career: The Dre-Eminem-50 Cent connection
In the most famous airplane-and-musician bet since Buddy Holly Indian-wrestled Waylon Jennings for the last seat on a charter flight Snoop Dogg bet his longtime guest rapper Dr. Dre that he was sober and straight enough fly from New York to their next tour venue in Amsterdam. Dre took the bet as an easy mark since 1) Snoop Dogg's private jet was still in Los Angeles and had been sold to cover legal fees two years ago 2) The next tour venue was in Atlanta and 3) Snoop Dogg hasn't been sober enough to operate anything with more than three switches, buttons or dials since 1995.
The events that transpired afterward are unclear but Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg came about four days later sitting in a upturned refrigerator with the word "airplaen" spray painted on the side. Having used the last of their cannabis they began to panic. They proceeded to continue panicking when they realized they they "landed" in Detroit, Michigan a city whose only export was people trying to get out of Detroit, Michigan.
After the KISS Army declared Detroit a "Rock City" in 1975 the last of the area's natural Mo-Town reserves were destroyed and it was widely believed that no rap talent would ever develop there. In the early 90's musical groups such as Twiztid and Insane Clown Posse emerged from Detroit, quickly and fiercely confirming that belief. The area became known as the "Bermuda Triangle of Hip-Hop".
Lost, alone and without a dealer Dre and Snoop Dogg converted their airplane into a crude shelter by turning it 90 degrees and sought the natural resources necessary for survival in Hip-Hop's Bermuda Triangle. What they found was undiscovered source of rap music that was still dirty and disgruntled like early 90's gangsta rap, but with fresh, self effacing rhymes like mid-80's rap.
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[edit] Eminem's Rap Style: Why Hip-Hop Needs to Be More Like Cartoons
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[edit] Eminem and Women: What a Total Freudian Headfuck
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Hey there VFD guys. I've decided the only way to keep this article from being a VFD repeat offender is write a version that dosn't suck and revert regularly. My comp with my Photoshop copy on came down with the gremlins so I can use some photo support ATM. --Count of Monkey Crisco 18:16, November 16, 2009 (UTC)
| This page is a work in progress But let's give it a chance. The author will finish it later. Or maybe not. Should they choose the latter, within seven days, this page will not exist anymore. Now, go away! This page will be re-checked on 03:51, 30 November 2009 |
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