Elf
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Elves are a race of immoral creatures, remotely related to human beings through extensive interbreeding at Agent Elrond's Palace at the end of the Third Age. Main physical differences are that they have pointy ears and get +2 to DEX, -2 to CON and a +2D6 to SEX APP, except those ones who fought a bit too clumsily in the Middle Ages and subsequently carries a network of badly-healed facial scar tissues.
The 10th-Century Icelandic poet Thrund suggests that they also have infravision, but other sources suggest that Thrund was huffing something. Most modern scholars recognise that whilst Elves had infravision in Thrund's day it is no longer the case. Modern elves exhibit 'Low Light Vision'.
Elves are smaller than pixies.
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[edit] Origin of Elves
Elves reproduce by a special form of fission called "twelving": Using a sharp, heavy instrument such as a sword or axe, the elf's mate cuts him or her in two from head to crotch. This method was famously described by William Shakespeare in "Cleaving yon Elfe in Twain"; twain-elf eventually became shortened and altered, first to twelf and then, finally, to twelve.
Humans created the word "elvish", which comes from "s'elfish", a term used to describe original commercial transactions between humans and elves.
Same as a non-blue, smallish smurf (see The Smurfs) and prevalent around Christmas Day, Elves make up the predominant population of Iceland. See for example Bjork. (Arch-nemesis is Billy Ocean)
[edit] Elves in Mod Society
In the sixties, the Elves were frequently allied with the Mod community, as their ancient enemies the Dwarves had allied themselves with the Rockers.
Recently, elves have been known to impersonate dwarfs in an atempt to be known as "little people" instead of midgets.
[edit] Elves in the North Pole
The Great Northern Elves or Christmas Elves are a great society of Elvi that was enslaved by a tyrant king (Klaus Nikolai) whom the elvi voted into power by mistake as they were enticed by the promise of "a glass of milk and cookie in every home". The whole populace is now laboring year round in a sweat shop at the North Pole that produces hi-tech devices for Japan and Toys-R-Us. The Christmas elves are now known by their slave name - Santa's Elves.
[edit] Elves and Vulcans
In spite of superficial similarities, the Elves and the Vulcans are mortal enemies and have been ever since Agent Elrond ordered the assassination of Ambassador Sarek in the 23rd Century.
The primary difference between Elves and Vulcans is that the planet Vulcan has greater gravity than Torril, giving Vulcans a +2 to STR, compared to Elves -2.
His knowledge of Star Trek and D&D gives the writer of this piece a +2 GEEK BONUS.
Except that they made a mistake, Elves don't get a -2 STR, they get -2 CON, so the +2 Geek bonus goes to Me!
And I get a +4 Geek bonus for pointing out that it's spelled "Toril" (one "r")!
[edit] Elves and Timothy Olyphant
The widely publicised killing spree in Paris, 1870 last week, believed to be perpetrated by the notorious defective clone Timothy Olyphant, who was a tragic side effect to the project to produce Mr. 17, an eventual counter force to Justin Timberlake. Elves have been in uproar over the defective clone's recent killing sprees against elves, although the only evidence that the numerous victims have actually been of elvish descent only comes from a farmer high on LSD who finds Runescape a highly intellectual online community, elves are determined to find some flimsy excuse to kill Timothy Olyphant.
[edit] Types of Elves
According to the 2006 census of Fairyland, the Elven population* breaks down as follows:
- 66% High Elves
- 23% Keebler Elves
- 15% Wood Elves
- 15% Night Elves
- 13% Merkin
- 3% Hawt Night Elves
- 10% Aquatic Elves
- -55% Elvis
- -98% Elvis Imitator
- 12% Penguin Humping Elves
- 2% Caucasian Elves
- -19% Asploding elves (cause they're already dead in several dimensions)
- 08% Abriel blue-haired space elves
- 07% Dark Elves
- 05% Imploding Elves
- 3.14% Math Elves
- 01% Toxic Elves
- 01% Blues Elves
- 03% Vulcans
- 0.75% Santa's Elves
- 1.6667% Spam Elves
- 0.5% Garden Gnomes
- 0.0000000000001% little teens under 5 feet with pointy ears
- x/Like-Afinity-Gosh!% Blue elf (AKA arguably smurfs... still debated)
- 40.000% House Elves, a gbolin race that claim to be elves
- 0% Freaky Elves (just search on image google YSURAN AUONDRIL)
- 12% Fire Elves (Rare breed, almost extinct)
- Note: The percentage total goes over 100%. Normally this would mean that it operates in multiple dimensions, however Elves are magical and mysterious according to half-assed DnD/semi-Tolkien lore.
- It should also be noted that elves don't believe in mathematics, which lead to the Great Massacre of Rivendell. It all stemmed from the frustration of a dark elf and a high elf who, while playing DnD, couldn't agree on how much the Sword of +10 Smiting would raise an Orcish warrior's Smiting stat.
- These stats are somewhat different among fictional elves played in the real world of Dungeons and Dragons: The most popular type of elf played is the subtype of the Dark Elf known commonly as a Drizzt Clone.
[edit] Elvish Language
Elves speak a language called Elvish. Elves repeatedly claim that their language is full of beauty and subtlety; however, to hominid ears, every word of Elvish sounds like somebody is whispering "lthppt-thppt-thlppt-lth-lthppt-thppt-thpp-lthththppt" over and over again. The hominids' impressions were confirmed right by legendary hominid Noam Chomsky's legendary 1977 work, "Those Elves and their Silver Tongues: The Beauty Of Repetitive Whispered Thppt".
Elvish has that crazy-ass Welsh double-l sound, the hyper-alveolar laterally-transsubstantiated OMEGA Level-5 Triplex-articulated megafricative of Doom. This sound is so crazy that it has been long since been banned in all civilized countries, and now can only be found in such places as Iraq, Botswana, Bejing, Wales, Sudan, and the Klingon homeworld.
[edit] People & Organizations
[edit] Famous elves
- Elvish
- Galadriel
- Ronnie James Dio
- Orlando Bloom
- Santa Clause
- Jesus H. Christ
- Carrot Top (Actually half-elf, half shitty mop of dyed hair, but I digress.)
- Jar Jar Binks
- Your Mom
- Oscar Wilde
- The Village People
- Dumbledore
