Elvis Presley
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| Term of office: | 1969 – 1974 | |
| Preceded by: | Lyndon B. Johnson | |
| Succeeded by: | Gerald Ford | |
| Date of birth: | 1935 | |
| Place of birth: | Earth | |
| Date of death: | n/a | |
| Place of death: | n/a | |
| First Lady: | n/a | |
| Political party: | Elvisocracy | |
Elvis Reginald Dwight David Presley or Alvis Presli(1935 BC - Present), popularly known as "The Devourer of Worlds", is a world-famous Dwarf rap artist, Savage Messiah, Lord High Duke of The Ghetto. His music was featured in the smash box office hit Lord of the Wedding Ring.
He was the King of Rock. He was also the King of Roll, but contrary to popular belief, was never the ruling monarch of both at the same time. He revolutionised and indeed created popular music, recording over 100 cover versions hit singles and was a leading movie star of the day. Throughout his career he left many, many buildings, as well as entering several. Highlights of his career include his "Jailhouse Rock," and "'68 Comeback Special." These two achievements were honoured in a 2003 adult movie, "69 Cum Back special."
Despite all these achievements, he is best remembered as the worlds fattest man. We have been informed by the Presley family that this was not due to a combination of drug abuse and huge levels of overeating, and they don't know why several local burger establishments became insolvent following his death. The actual problem was a lack of exercise, Elvis was unable to lose weight because of his inability to move properly after a series of hip replacements brought about by years of heavy thrusting.
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Biography
Nativity Story
Elvis "The Pelvis" was created as part of a genetic experiment during a time of great hardship. Old Poppa Presley needed an extra farmhand but unfortunately was impotent and very poor. He went out into the barn late one night and tried an old recipe given to him by his grandfather. He mixed 1/4 talent with 1/4 song thieving ability and then added a whole 1/2 of sex appeal. He would create a pop sensation second to none, make his millions and THEN he would be able to afford a new laborer. It was a genius plan, but poorly executed; a simple sneeze caused a crack in the concoction. Elvis now had a brother. Both Elvis and Reg Presley were born that night. But Reg was unintended, and quickly sold to a travelling circus in order to pay the rent. He would later gain fame as lead singer of British 60's rock band "The Troggs". In the movie documenting this, he would be played by Danny de Vito
Childhood and teen years
As a young boy, Elvis had a hard life. There were periods where the Presley family didn't eat properly, there were many ups and many downs. One sad event, such as the disappearance of his beloved pet cat, "Skanky Joseph" could be quickly followed by something happier, the sudden and surprising appearance of an unnamed meat a big juicy chicken, for example. The family would eat heartily for once, and there would be a leg for everyone; Mom, Pop, Elvis and Gramps! Thus began Elvis' strange food obsession
As a child, Elvis family couldn't afford a radio, but he didn't mind such hardships, "That's alright mama," he said. "Don't call me that son," old man Presley replied, "Not in public anyway."
Elvis tried to sing instead, but couldn't. As a child his voice was awful.
"It sounded like someone trying to shove a dog backwards through a small hole. Like a dolphin, but more whiney." This is the description given to police by one of Elvis' neighbors, during their reporting of a UFO/commy bastards. It was in fact an early rendition of "Heartbreak Hotel."
Papa Presley was worried, was the plan ruined right from the start when he sneezed? When he hit fourteen though, things quickly changed for Elvis. His voice broke one day while at school. During morning gospel (as taught in all evil right wing bible belt good schools) he tried to "sing" as quietly as possible and avoid the whole problem. But this day, he had to sing solo, in front of the whole class.
Because I love Jesus, Jesus; Because I love Jesus; My soul is at rest, and in Him I am blessed; Because I love.........cough............................but suddenly....... The warden threw a party in the county jail. The prison band was there and they began to wail. The band was jumpin and the joint began to swing. You should've heard those knocked out jailbirds sing.
The shock of this sudden change caused huge surprise to Elvis, who went into some sort of fit. Everyone thought this was a new dance, and so joined in. He flailed and they flailed. He passed out and they laughed. Elvis went into severe shock and didn't sing for 3 more years. DANCING IS NO JOKE!
Career
Elvis had a hugely successful career. Yeah, whatever.
Elvis is alive theory
There have been many that believe Elvis never died and is hiding in seclusion somewhere. This is not true. He is not in seclusion, he works the nighttime shift at a 7-eleven. There have been many Elvis sightings throughout history. He got his nickname, The King, when he was appointed pharaoh of Egypt in the 5096 B.C. election, winning 78 percent of the vote running on a pro union stance.
1978 Unseen Comeback Special
Elvis still performs under stage names and disguises. He formed a supergroup with other "dead" icons of rock and roll, (who for legal reasons are not allowed to be mentioned by their real name.)
Lead Vocals and cowbell: Elvish Presley Lead Guitar: Jimmy Hendricks Bass Guitar: Paul Mcartknee Drums: Keith Mooooooooooooooon. They perform Barry Manilow cover tunes to further hide their identity.
'Yo baby, "I'm still a'rockin"'. If there's a bit of a time lag between my (less) conversations and even less action it's 'cos of the transmission delay between you (lurv u all) and my base on Mars (I could eat a few mor' of them (any chance of diverting the space shuttle)?.
PLEASE HELP! My son-in-law has just moved in to my 'secret' Mars colony, and he's fighting with Jimi Hendrix over who gets the top bunk bed!
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