HowTo:Threaten someone like a real psychopath

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Redirected from Else)
Jump to: navigation, search
Lineupbla

Don't you want to get through that faster and be in front of that line?


Threaten someone else can reveal a very important part of social relationships: it is useful in your everyday life and is proven very helpful when encountering another human being. It basic form is an asset to social skills. Threats can, amongst many uses:

  • Help you shoo away annoying people
  • Help you obtain what you desire from other people
  • Help you get through line-ups faster
  • Help you win an argument
  • Help you troll people
  • Make you look angrier when you are insulted
  • Help you get better grades at school
  • Make you look more badass/rebel/anarchic/punk/etc.
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Nevertheless, average threats are not enough recognized and appreciated if not too often completely ignored. In fact, regular threats quickly lose their interest: that is why it is necessary to upgrade your threats into a more bashing form of harassment. The solution is to use effective words by learning how to threaten someone like a real psychopath.

edit Important Prerequisites

Scared

A convinced man

Why needing to threaten someone like a psychopath? It is simple: psychopaths always were admired for their boldness and their lack of reserve when it comes to mutilate herds and goring little children with butcher knives. In fact, those qualities and their skill when it comes to burst into maniacal laughter are highly impressive but tend to drive people into fearing psychopaths. Since the fear of other people is something a threat should bring upon you, resembling a psychopath or at least talking like a psychopath is something you should look for when you need to threaten someone. Whether you are a real psychopath or only a normal being posing as one does not matter if your words are convincing enough.

edit Introduction of the Basic Psychopathic Threat

Every threat needs an introduction: it is the part where you make it clear that you are going to threaten someone for a start. It consists of two things, the first one being essential as the second is optional:

  • The Promise: a threat announces something you will or you are willing to do to another person. Therefore, you must use a future tense and the first person singular together.

Example: “I’m gonna […]”, “I’ll […], “I’m going to […]”

  • The Condition: this part of the threat is mostly used when you want to obtain something from someone: it requires that you suggest the exact thing you are asking before explaining what you are planning to do / what you pretend you will do if the person you are talking to does not comply.

Example: “If you don’t let me go […]” “If you don’t get the fuck away from my son […]” “If I don’t get my car back before tomorrow […]”


Sometimes, the Introduction is more subtle in its Promise: the first person singular and the act you make believe you’ll do/you are planning to do are only implied. Often, the threat ends with ellipsis (the “dot-dot-dot”) meaning the other person has to guess what will happen next and consider complying. Example: “If you don’t give it to me right now, you might just get your head chopped off…” or “Someone is gonna get their limbs tore off if I don’t get my money back…”

Tip

Be sure you really want to leave a bad impression on the person you are about to threaten: it might work so much you could be disowned/dumped/killed by an angry mob.

edit The Violent Act: the Chore of the Basic Psychopathic Threat

The key to a psychopathic threat is violence in fact, the more violent your threats are, to more psychopathic you look and the more psychopathic you look, the more credible you are. It is the chore of the threat itself and must be strong enough to make sure your threat will not be a regular and plain threat but a psychopathic one. The violent act of your threat must speak of gore and pain: the more brutal it is, the better your threat gets. For the choice of the most adequate threatening violent acts, see the “Choosing the Violent Act” section.

edit Conclusion of the Basic Psychopathic Threat

The conclusion mostly consists of the Condition if it was not already include in the Introduction. It can also be a time condition (example: “[…] before daylight”) or a time setting for the violent act (“[…] and I’ll do it right now!!”) as well as the addition of other people in your threat (example: “[…] you and all your family and friends!” or “[…] with your entire country of losers!”). Also, it can be an insult of any kind.

edit Choosing the Violent Act

Choosing the violent act is the most important part of a great psychopathic threat: if the violent act you promise someone is not violent or gruesome enough, your entire threat will fail and people will mock you or ignore you at best. There are many criteria and aspect of the violent act one should consider including and preferring when thinking of a threat:

edit The weapon used for the violent act

RocketChainsaw

An interesting weapon you could mention in your threat

You can mention classics such as knives and guns, but the noisier, bigger or rustier a weapon is or the more threatening and heavy it looks, the scarier the threat becomes. Tools or objects not usually used to kill are quite effective for a threat. Example: “If you don’t get out of my property I will skin you alive with my carpenter square!!”

edit Tissue damage

The more tissue damage you imply with your threats, the more impressive it gets: the violent act must look very painful if you want it to look scary. Psychopaths are famous for their bloodlust, their blood covered skin and clothes and their sadistic mind, meaning you have to give the same impression than they do. For example, you have to prefer the chainsaw messy job over the katana clean cut when you speak of cutting off limbs and you must prefer the even messier job of tearing off the limb bare handed over the more effective job of the chainsaw.

edit Time it takes to kill

If you threaten someone to kill him or harm him quickly, it will ruin the ghastly effect of your threat: that is something you want to avoid. If the violent act takes time, it will look more like torture and torture is something people usually do not appreciate so much. For example: stabbing someone to death with a crochet needle takes more time that simply pulverizing the victim by pushing her/him in a volcano thus it looks scarier.

edit Sexual violence

Sexual acts can be added to the violent act to make the threat ruder and as immoral as a psychopath. Rape and paedophilia are a must when it comes to this kind of violent act. Describing the use of tools is also suggested. Example: “I’ll drive a spear up your ass until your nose split in half, asshole!” or “I’ll rape you until you puke out your stomach!”

edit Indirect methods

Fw8576pirate

This pirate could possibly bite your eyes off, but he is a special case that does not count

To create your threats, you can also think of interesting unusual methods and ways to harm or kill that implies something or someone else. This something or someone else will be the cause of the pain or death, the murder you describe being only in part your responsibility. Indirect methods can be: the use of fire, of water, of natural disasters, of machines, of chemicals, of cement, of traps such as bear traps and of dangerous animals. Example: “I’ll feed your liver to the tigers and burn you alive until all that remains of you is stinky crumbling bones!

edit Extreme methods

Being extreme always impresses people, even more when you're killing or harming methods are extreme and exaggerated. Heavy machineries, powerful weapons, tools or weapons made to crush and car and falling objects are always a hit. Example: “I’ll turn you into a bloody puddle with my three ton van!”

edit Improbability

If the violent act seems impossible, the fact you mentioned it will make you look crazier than ever, especially if it seems biologically impossible but extremely gory. It tells people you are psychotic enough to try anything. Example: “I’ll bite off your eyes!” when biting off someone’s eyes is really difficult with human jaw and teeth. A tyrannosaur could do it, but not a human being. Assuming you are human, it is impossible for you to bite off someone’s eyes unless you wear some pointy and prominent dentures.


edit The Complex Psychopathic Threat

Psychopathic threats can also be more complex than the basic form, implying many violent acts described one after each others to make sure the threatened person knows you truly are a sadistic monster. Various patterns can be identified and the complex threats are know for their numerous steps as the basic threat has only one step.

edit Linear threat

The linear threat consists of many violent act performed one after the other in a certain time, these acts aiming at no particular body part but the whole person itself. Most of the complex psychotic threats are made of only two steps liked together by the words “and” or “then”. The last violent act is often the one about the way you intent getting rid of the body of the person you threaten or the way you intent to kill this person.

Linearthreat

edit Horizontal threat

The horizontal consists of many violent acts performed at the same time or one after the other, each of them aiming at a separated and particular body part. It mostly implies you plan to dismember or to disembowel your victim. The final blow or the way you plan to get rid of the body is rarely if not mentioned and the violent acts are highly interactive.

Horithreat

edit Mixed threat

The mixed threat is often the most complicated of the psychopathic threats: it tells about what will happen with the person’s various body parts and with the rest of his/her body at the same time or one after each other. The pattern can look just like a chart with many lines and columns or even like a family tree.

edit What One Should Add to the Threat Itself

Many details are necessary to make sure you really look psychopathic when you threaten someone since the brutal words alone do not always suffice. In order to be more convincing, one should:

  • Shout the entire threat or only do so to attract the attention on certain parts of the threatening sentence.
  • Use an utterly angry or a hysterical tone
    DrillSergeant Kid

    An example of how to shout at the person you wish to threaten

  • Roar when using an angry tone and bursting into maniacal laughter when using a hysterical tone
  • Dramatically point the person you threaten or gesturing at him/her
  • Roll your eyes, show your teeth, wince, and list to one side and/or shake like you lost your mind
  • Jump on furniture
  • Masturbate and/or take a dump in front of the person you wish to threat
  • Break or throw items you can put your hands on
  • Show off weapons and/or pointy objects
  • Spit on the person you wish to threaten
  • Mumble, grunt or speak words of a foreign language
  • Bite people and/or start tearing off their clothes
  • Pull out a gun and shoot bystanders
  • Be White and/or Asian and/or Latino and/or a tiger
  • Punch a newborn

edit What One Should Avoid When Threatening Someone

33FUNNY

Nobody fears French people

However, to make sure you look in fact really psychopathic, there are some things one should avoid or else the effect will be ruined:

  • You should not be polite: politeness will lead people to think you are not serious and doing some deadpan humor
  • You should avoid cliché and bad jokes or else people will think you a simply stupid and/or trying to start a lame flame war
  • You must not hesitate or apologize for anything: people would think you are only a little mad instead of truly psychotic
  • You must not choke on your saliva: it will kill you
  • You should not speak a language the person you want to threaten does not understand, or at least not use this foreign language for the entire threat: if the other does not understand the threat, it ruins it even if you make sure your tone looks angry enough
  • You should not have a French accent: if you do, you are doomed; the person you wish to threaten will laugh at you along with every passerby.
  • You must not be Barrack Obama: he is not feared enough

edit The Effects of a Successful Threat

1428239 aftermath300

What you could cause

If you succeed, you will automatically get what you asked for and even make sure the people you threaten will leave immediately. You will gain respect from everyone who heard you and even from real psychopaths on place. If you are lucky, you will start a mass frenzy so intense many women and children will be trampled to death while the terrified mass will run away. Eventually, policemen will come to shoot at you with their Taser gun or regular bullets, that is if you stay where you were when you threatened someone.


If you run away following the threat, the people living in this area will start telling urban legends and frightening legends about you; by the time, you will be remembered as a rabid replica of Cthulhu. There might even be a street sporting your name or your scary nickname people gave you.


Of course, you might as well end up in jail just as in a Monopoly game. At least you will have fun when you will use your brand new threats. And who knows: it might prove useful in jail too in order to gain respect!

edit See Also

Personal tools
projects