Elizabeth Warren

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Elizabeth Warren

Senator Warren.


A Cherokee. For comparison only.

Elizabeth Warren (born June 22, 1949), also known as Chief Spreading-Bull and Lie-a-watha, is the instantly senior U.S. Senator from Massachusetts and the only allegedly Cherokee member of the Senate. She is often mentioned as a Democratic Party candidate for President in 2016, especially by people who have not already had enough of Barack Obama. This is despite her own repeated statements that she does not intend to run, and her unshakable reputation for veracity.

edit The early years

Warren was born in 1949 in Oklahoma Boston to middle-class parents, neither of whom, oddly, were as much as 1/8 Cherokee. When she was 12, her father had a heart attack, which led her father to many medical bills, and led her to permanent emotional scarring when it became evident that no one in Oklahoma Boston would step up to pay his bills for him. Eventually, this led to the loss of their car from failure to make loan payments — something that Oklahomans Bostonians, scandalously, were equally unwilling to step up and make for them.

Warren won the title of "Oklahoma's top high-school debater" (though one of her siblings abstained from the family vote) and got a debate scholarship to attend George Washington, though at this point he hardly even needed someone to shave him. She left after two years and moved to Texas with her husband, Jim Warren, earned a degree in speech pathology and audiology, and taught disabled children. The reader can imagine this Champion of the Consumer going from hard-scrabble bill payments to the drudgery of menial labor, with only sporadic flipping of repossessed homes, before she heard her calling.

edit The Cherokee years

The calling came when she recalled how her grandfather had chuckled that she "must be an Injun" because of her allegedly "high cheekbones." She knew this must be worth 1/16, even though the Cherokee Nation has never confirmed it, and will not, because she never talks to them. Regrettably, even at that point, the signature red color had left her skin because of years of indoor labor writing dissertations on class warfare.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Elizabeth Warren.

After a decade of itinerant lecturing at universities around the United States, she finally combined the process of applying for jobs with "the Cherokee thing," completing that paperwork by checking the magical "Minority Applicant" box. Harvard, still stung by criticism of low hiring of ethnic professors, and not yet stung by Lawrence Summers' remarks that one reason might be that females have different preferences, swept her up as the Gottlieb Professor of Law (Gottlieb was a Choctaw whose actual birth name was Bleating-Sheep) and quickly added her name to its list of "minority professors," dishing six figures to teach one course.

Irene Ryan

Granny Clampett, PUTT-near the SEE-ment pond.

Elizabeth Warren

Senator Warren. For comparison only.

Even Wikipedia admits that the New England Genealogical Society has been able to find no evidence for the Cherokee claim. But the Oklahoma Historical Society said "finding a definitive answer...can be difficult," essentially because a lot of people were liars in the old days, and they deserve representation in the Senate too. The reader can compare the claims of officials from Hawaii that President Obama was born right there, but this is not an example of a celebrity's homies making excuses for her, because after all, Massachusetts, not Oklahoma, is Warren's home state.

Of course, the ostensible purpose for counting all those colored beans is not to fill a Bean Pot but to build the "minority community" and even the "Cherokee community" at Harvard (always on the way to integration and assimilation, mind you). It doesn't matter, because they are two other communities to which Warren has never even sent a smoke signal.

edit The activist years

Wikipedia prominently identifies Warren as an "activist," which is defined as

  1. Someone who wants stuff, or
  2. Someone who is active, rather than sits around and watches television all day, a definition that would imply that Uncyclopedians are "activists," except for certain ones that have IHeartSoapOperas open in another window.

Warren has made the plight of The Poor a signature cause, writing books that assert that "the system is rigged," and giving heartstring-tugging speeches that success is the cause of failure and nearby excellence causes us to be mediocre. Perhaps eloquence by preceding speakers is why she barfs out so many clichés at banquets.

Warren has claimed to be "the philosophical mother of the Occupy Wall Street movement," though she concedes she has never personally defecated on a Police car. Nevertheless, she is responsible for Obama's embrace of "income inequality" as an issue, which assumes the average American cannot enjoy a little something extra in the weekly paycheck without going door-to-door and demanding to know how each neighbor made out.

Warren's gassy rhetoric encountered a vacuum of similar size, over Washington, D.C. in 2006. The opposition Democrats took over Congress and capitalism's only defender, God-help-us, was George W. Bush. His father once said "appeasement doesn't work," but just like Dad, Bush thought it might work just once for him. He put Bernanke and Geithner in the Treasury, they started bailing out every other bankrupt Wall Street firm, and pretty soon there were no rules. We were all Keynesians now, and Warren testified before Congress in favor of a large bureaucracy to rein in the banks. Run by her. She got everything but this last bit, as the Republicans had not yet given away the filibuster, and the Senate would never confirm her nomination.

edit 2012 election

Scott Brown

The only bump in Warren's road (shown here with his bumps covered up).

In 2010, Scott Brown sought to put his tanned, muscular buttocks in the steel-reinforced seat that creaked underneath Ted Kennedy until the latter croaked. Brown's only opponent was too swell to shake hands in the rain at Fenway Park, and Brown won the last two years of Kennedy's term, without even having to drown anyone.

Alarm bells went out in Faculty Lounges and Cheese Shops around Boston, and Warren was tagged to retake the seat. Brown delivered the promised "independence," voting completely at random, while Warren came up with rhetorical gems so shiny that they would go directly onto the President's TelePrompTer, most notably the assertion to businessmen that "you didn't build that!" — that, without bureaucrats taxing gasoline and spending the money on sculptures and bike paths, no grubby retailer could even stock his stores, as GM certainly would not have built roads for its own cars to run on. Brown meekly chanted, "But I have a pick-up truck!" Warren took the hint, and rebutted every accusation, especially on the "Cherokee" scam, by repeating, "The Middle Class is getting hammered!" Warren did some Election Day hammering of her own, and her opponent did what any piglet denied access to a favorite teat would do: He snuggled up to New Hampshire to suck again.

edit Books and other works

Warren has appeared in the award-winning documentary by Michael Moore, I'm Broke and It's Your Fault. She has written numerous full-length books, most notably The Two-Income Trap and Why You Should Shoot for Zero with co-author Amelia Tyagi, who is related on her father's and mother's side. The authors claim that people work harder and earn less, barely enough for smartphones, HDTV, and monthly trips to California when their parents were reluctant to even telephone. The book has gotten the attention of the New York Times Book Review, which establishes Warren as a scholar or at least a darling of the left.

In 2005, Warren and David Himmelstein published a study of medical costs. They correlated high medical bills with going broke, and with the increasing size of the family of Mitt Romney — while avoiding correlating the number of times a person gets boozed up every night and burns through both his bankroll and his health. The study set the stage for the passage of Obama-care, by establishing "affordability" as a national goal, and failing to mention whether it meant affordable before or after the outlays for Lotto tickets and 30-packs of Budweiser.

edit Tribe-queer

After her election to the Senate, Warren again changed her Tribe Orientation, asserting that she is "Okie from my head to my toe[s]."

As with the concept of "gender-queer" in the LGBT Community, Warren was born with a Cherokee orientation, and changed her orientation (until her career in Academia stalled). Unlike in the LGBT Community, this was achieved with neither a hacksaw or other surgery. Then she changed her orientation back to Cherokee, and now observes no tribal orientation at all, except at large tribal gatherings of her Massachusetts constituents. These are so challenging that even John Kerry contrived to claim he was born with a Jew orientation, though he later clarified that he is "Kosher-queer."

Preceded by:
Scott Brown
Senator from Massachusetts
Succeeded by:
Step right up!
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