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“Thou shalt not read Eleven Commandments!”
The Eleven Commandments are a list of Commandments... make those guidelines.... no, wait, no, yeah, Commandments, or Rules. Yes, lets stick with Rules; Rules to be applied in one way or another to Communist regimes in North America, and largely deal with taxing Muslims and slapping Taiwanese girls on the asses. Edited down from The Twenty-One Commandmonts of Communist America and renamed The Byble of an American Communist Regime, huge brawls have broken out concerning the apocraful attribution of the works to notable asshat and former dictatorial Communist Pol Pot. Historic research and several bong hits have shown that the Commandments were instead written by a pinko Commy bastard Canadian named Leroy Jenkins during the spring of 1977.
The First Commandment
Thou shalt have no other gods without the appropriate god licence. Ring 900-OTHER-GODS for our offers on other gods. Call charges apply. The only commandment apparently preserved from the Original Ten, the First Commandment was mostly of strategic importance. Jenkins, and other pinko assholes like him, knew that the key to the rise of the Proletariet was to lure them in with the guise of religion, cultism, and Beejees albums. It was for this reason that The Byble was packed with the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack and the First Amendment was retained.
The Second Commandment
No American Communist may stay in a flophouse, brothel, sanitarium, or McDonalds with a Moor, Towelhead, Arab, or Muslim. If an American Communist is forced into unreasonable circumstances where he must make abodes with such a character, the party member must make all do diligence to fleece the Moor, Towelhead, Arab, or Muslim of all his cashes and shoot him in the face. This commandment was considered to be the most important to the author personally, as he was buttfucked by an Arab while serving time in an upstate New York prison.
The Third Commandment
Strangely missing, all published copies of The Byble of an American Communist Regime are missing the Third Commandment. This is most probably because Bill Cosby stole them all.
The 3.14159265th Commandment
Pi must be tasty. As the Lord of all that is holy and rightious set down, Pi must always be tasty. Be it Apple, Blackberry, or Cream, god loves all pie. (As long as it follows a very strict specification of what a good Pi should be for all eternity.) Pi must never be wasted. The Lord hates those heathens in funny clothes who waste Pi needlessly. They are the greatest evil of all. Pi shall be tasty, but never more delisous than 'Delicious Cake!'
Also, Pi is exactly 3, it says so in the bible, so it is true, and all maths is LIES!
The Fourth Commandment
When an American Communist must loan out cash, doubloons, gold, silver in pieces of eight, or rubber chickens, 88% interest must be collected from Muslims, 80% from all non-Muslim Middle Easterners, and 50% from all non-Communists, cumulative and tiered against any cashes of the principal and interest of loans to the aforementioned Ethnic impurities. After collecting the loan and interest, a party member must make all due diligence to shoot the Muslim in the face in accordance with the Party Manifestos of 1969.
The Fifth Commandment
When coming across a pretty Taiwanese girl, slap her on the ass briskly and with the zesto of our communist fathers in the blunt o' your palm. This commandment was found, through imperical data and research, that Jenkins was fond of Taiwanese girls, but non Chinese, Japanese, or any other Gookanese.
The Sixth Commandment
In accordance with the Party Manifestos of 1969, it must be known that the prophet Moses did decree upon coming down from the mount that it is prohibited that women should be found failing to swallow that which is most precious from thy lovers schlong. To this day, Communist and Capitalist scholars alike cannot figure out how Jenkins pulled this ripe one outta his ass.
The Seventh Commandment
On no Communist Party holidays shall a party member interact with a Moor, Towelhead, Arab, or Muslim that he does not first attempt to tax and then shoot in the face in accordance to the Party Manifestos of 1969. Party members shall spend the better part of their Communist Party holidays slapping Taiwanese girls on the ass. In a noted 1980 interview from jail, Jenkins declared that he wrote this commandment with the national holidays of the Bank of insanity in mind, but felt that maybe public nudity was too strong of a concept for American sensabilities and instead kept on the Taiwanese theme aforementioned.
The Eighth Commandment
While the Communist Party of America does not agree with the capitalist pigs in power, we must make certain demands of the system in accordance with the law of ethnical ripeness and the Communist Party Manifestos of 1969, both protected rights to our party. Under the capitalist structure, the Communist Party of America mandates that all capitalist bastions of headony charge Moors, Towelheads, Arabs, and Muslins an 88% interest on all essential and non-essential goods. Only through such treatment can America reach its true Ethnic potential, and can only clean itself o' the anti-Communist element by such large interests accompanied by shoots of the aforementioned Ethnic bastards in their rich pig-brain heads. During the 1970s, the American Communist party attempted many maneuvers to coerce the capitalist system to capitulate to its desires, with very degrees of utter failure. Most notably were these demands outlined in the Eleven Commandments.
The Ninth Commandment
Under no circumstance should an American Communist tolerate a Moor, Towelhead, Arab, or Muslim slapping a Taiwanese girl on the ass without metering out the proper comeuppance of shooting that Moor, Towelhead, Arab, or Muslim in the face. Penis Gorde.
The Tenth Commandment
Each new publishing of The Byble of an American Communist Regime had an updated version of the Tenth Commandment whose subject matter was positively correlated to the latest trends in women's underwear. The re-writing, by Jenkins himself or a deputy of his branch of the American Communist Party during Leroy's second extended stay in Federal prision, were a result of the Tenth Commandment's incindiary procedure for departing Taiwanese girls from their underwear while slapping them on the ass.
The Eleventh Commandment
Most baffling about the Commandments is that the Eleventh Commandment has never been decyphered from its original writing. Capitalist scholars believe the writing to be part Chinese and part chia pet, but all they know is that those damn pinko Commy bastards aren't talking about what it really says. Jenkins himself, subjected to beatings and torture at the hands of Simon and Garfunkle would never reveal what his Dictatorial masters imparted to him. Some religoise scholars believe that the Eleventh Commandment is: "Thou shalt not be an idiot." While this is only speculation, the short informative comic strip below the commandment seems to imply this interpretation. It may also be transelated into Russian then into Linux then into Html then into n00bish then into klingon then into English as "Thou Shalt do the Dance"
The Eleventh-Point-Fifth Commandment
"Thou shalt not stick frying pans up thine buttocks." Assumed by many ignorant people to be just general good advice, the Commandment was a later addition because the American Communist Party Headquarters found it had too much washing up to do. Despite this Commandment the number of American Communist Party members admitted to hospitals with frying pans inserted into their anuses has grown year on year.
The Eleventh-Point-Sixth Commandment
The Twevelth Commandment
" Thou shalt watch Walker Texas Ranger and the movie Hot Shots. Man that movie was hilarious... Also dont be a democrat."