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The ladies love people who suffer from Elephantiasis.

Elephantiasis is a disease that is characterized by the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals. Disease, however, is a word that should be used lightly in the discussion of elephantiasis. It is generally thought to be a gift from God, if not a miracle. Most men go to sleep every night wishing that they had bigger balls, but only a few get this blessing through the gift known as elephantiasis.

The first documented case of elephantiasis occurred in the year 1486 A.D. A child was born to a tribe in modern day Kenya. This child had the largest balls the world had known, and was thus revered by the tribe. The local shaman anointed his balls with the holiest of lotions and creams, and all of the village elders bowed to him. The child was made the new chief of the village and was put in charge of all decision making. Being that the child was only three hours old at this point, his leadership skills were not very good, and all members of the tribe died off in two weeks due to famine.

The disease is sometimes known as Elephantitis. However, technically, that would mean "inflammation of the elephant." So that would be incorrect, depending of course on what your pet name for it is.

edit Causes

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Elephantiasis.

Elephantiasis, whose full name is Lymphogranuloma venereum, is a venereal disease, one of the many pranks that Chlamydia can play. You can look it up on Wikipedia, a parody website we are duty-bound to imitate, and it will mention that the disease got a big new boost toward the status of global epidemic in 2004 thanks to gay men in the Netherlands (as though there were any other men there).


Elephantiasis is rampant in the United Kingdom, where it is a staple of popular culture.

However, Wikipedia will not tell you that the disease is transmitted through homosexual sex, nor that there is anything good or bad about homosexual sex (that would be homophobia, on which they have a lengthy article), nor even that the Dutch guys were homosexual but merely "gay," which must be nice. Nor that male gays are promiscuous, which males are at every other type of sex.

Doesn't matter, as the bottom line (you should pardon the expression) is that the patient's genitals grow to positively Negroid proportions. The ladies love it. Except those who worry about the "infection" thing, and those who actually read Wikipedia and find that "a majority of these patients are HIV co-infected," which implies a lot of co-payments at the co-munity health clinic, if you should last that long.

The only down-side depends on where you are infected, as gay men do love their anal sex, and for some patients, it is instead the butthole that grows to huge proportions, which enchants the ladies somewhat less.

edit Treatment

It says on the Internet that "spontaneous remission is common," so if the patient wishes to simply wait and hope to get better, it might work. In addition, again, the patient's partner(s) might want the patient not to "get better" at all.

Treatment may involve drainage of the swollen areas, by incision or use of needles. The infected area may be removed entirely. This can be achieved using a table saw, hedge clippers, a helicopter propeller, or by hiring Lorena Bobbitt.

An alternative, for those who enjoy drugs more than Chlamydia does, is to treat the disease with antibiotics.

edit Elephant Man

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Quote "A true survivor."

Real Name: Either Joseph Merrick, O'Neil Bryan, or Casey Affleck.

The Elephant Man is a notable hero and survivor of this disease. He deserves the utmost respect, however he did not actually have elepahntiasis. it was just a misdiagnoses, for having elephantiasis, and having broken through his disability to make truly excellent reggae music. After being diagnosed with elephantiasis, he joined a freak show in London, where he met Billy Marley (Bob Marley's third cousin), who taught him about reggae. Due to the unique shape of his head, he was able to make a very unique type of reggae, where his vocals sound like the cries a dying giraffe.

edit Teabagious Maximus


Master of scrotal asphyxiation

Teabagious Maximus is a creature whose testicles resemble those of somebody stricken with elephantiasis (more specifically, testicular expansion). Generally thought to be a myth developed by the savage inhabitants of New Jersey, recent discoveries point towards the possibility that Teabagious Maximus truly exists. Legend tells stories of him emerging from the forest (slightly north of the White Castle on route 9 in Howell), to teabag unsuspecting women and children. The legend has been fueled by dozens of accounts of people claiming that their loved ones were dragged away, only to suffer the horrible fate of a brutal ball sack to the larynx. People also claim to hear him howling during full moons (most likely due to their testicular shape), although most people who claim this are from New Egypt, and therefore can not be trusted. New Jersey Governor Lando Calrissian has placed an official bounty on the balls of Teabagious Maximus, offering two coupons to Chuck E. Cheese for the man who captures the beast dead, alive, or castrated.

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