Elephant
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Elephant |
 Elephants are magical, mythical creatures! |
| Scientific Classification |
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Kingdom: American Empire
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| The Lesser Known Elephant |
 I'm telling you he went that way ! (Warning: Elephants hate guys with fanny packs!) |
Elephants, also known as "natures fat fucks," are a species of animal renowned for their short stature and unusually short nose, which in fact extends inside it's body and can only smell it's bodily nutrients. Elephants are messed up mother fuckers so back the fuck away, I'm serious, those bitches will eat your tesiticles and suck your penis off. The Pink Elephant is known for its magic prowess and ability to grant wishes. A common misconception about elephants is that they only eat the lush, basically dead vegetation of the African Savannah. Elephants are actually avid meat-eaters. It is a known fact to those who study the elephant is that they eat up to 4 humans a day; nothing more, nothing less. Elephants only eat their prey feet first. They then stop eating once they have reached the neck, and proceed to play a game of soccer with the remaining head. Another feature of the elephant is it's oil and diamond encrusted tusks, which are used in the wild to make themselves more attractive to hunters, thus making them die easily. Elephants are known to steal and eat the marijuana of human beings.
[edit] Supposed origins for the elephant
One supposed origin is that the elephant is the evolved form of the pokemon phanpy, except there's a great chance that this theory is stupid and so are you. Another possibility is that the elephant evolved from the Icthysaurus, which was the only dinosaur to come close to the elephant's diminutive stature. Quantam physicists believe that the elephant came about like this:
Of course their is the distinct possibility that this is a load of waffling craftily crafted to look like it actually means something. Like Creationism. The alternative theory is that Jesus did it.
Many people like to believe that elephants evolved from well endowed humans, I on the other hand know that that is a complete and utter load of rubbish and know that they evoled from the mutated freak that was produced when Ben Stiller got bitten on the nose by a radioactive snake.
[edit] Sexuality
Elephants are the only animals that are bisexual. When they are in heat, they act heterosexual. When they are in chill, they act homosexual. If an elephant gets pregnant, they wait 2 years. After that, they lay giant eggs with an elephant baby inside. When the baby is born, it is the color of an eggplant, as it grows older and less mature it turns blue. Except they are mammals, so this creates a quantum paradox. P.S. you should really help those drunken elephants lately. Seriously, there is now a foundation- FDE, Foundation for Drunken Elephants. Remember, give us some money today, and possibly save an elephant tomorrow.
[edit] Eyes
Elephants are the only mammals to have 4 eyes but its not always possible to see all 4 eyes because they usually keep the other 2 closed
even a child knows that:
+ = or more
[edit] The Elephant in Art
Elephants have appeared in many forms of media. Like for instance, bubble blowing elephants have appeared in the Walt Disney film Fantasia.
They also appeared in the many novels like The Chronicles of Narnia, 1984, Tom Sawyer, and Oliver Twist and harry potter.
Elepants have been created by Next to ever more show of your elephant but. Also elephant juice is being produced in Hexham UK, and in barack obama's but hole, as his blender is not working due to overuse of peanut blending to feed his elephant wife in preparation to eat her. And Tim Robbins.
[edit] The Elephant in Mathematics
Elephant < Elephant + 7 is an important mathematical identity which states that for any given elephant, it will always be less than that same elephant plus the number 7. As the discoverer of this identity once put:
“Wow! This equation is even more amazing than that Euler crap!”
~ Richard Feynman on Elephants
“If Plato, Shakespeare and Einstein were all talking about the meaning of life and two elephants started humping outside, even they would rush to the window, it's called the ultimate distraction.”
~ Ben Kingsley on something unrelated to math but still regaurds to Elephants and at the same time acting retarted
The identity has two important implications in the fields of mathematics and farming:
- To the relief of many farmers and people likely to be squashed by an elephant whilst on safari, elephants can't be much bigger than themselves.
- Numbers can be added to regular stuff, despite what those guys in white coats led us to believe.
Also, this implies that if the corn is as high as an elephant's eye, then the height of the corn is less than the elephant's eye + 7.
[edit] Proof of the identity
Although it is the by-product of hundreds of years of intense mathematical studies, proof of this identity is simple and fairly intuitive. Watch!
Firstly, we acknowledge that:
Thus, for k = 7, for all values of 7 where 7 > 0:
- x < x + 7
Where x can take any value. Any value at all. Think of anything, and x can take it. Pretty manly in that regard. Therefore, we simply say:
- let x =
And thus:
- < + 7
[edit] Historical use
Although it has only been expressed so eloquently in recent times, the basic principle was known to such primitive civilisations as the Ancient Greeks and even the Americans. For example, farmers dating back to ancient times noticed the peculiar fact that no matter how big their elephants got, they never got more than 7 ahead of themselves.
More recently, Greek philosophers attempted to add 8 to an elephant, and always found that the elephant was smaller than the sum. It was only in 1999 that mathematicians finally put elephant and 7 together to come up with the formula above.
At many points in history, scholars have attempted to add 7 to other animals and objects, with mixed results. Many animals follow the same rule, but it has been generally found that elephants are the most effective. It is probable that the trunks and tusks of elephants evolved to take advantage of the extra space between themselves and something 7 more than themselves, and their extreme size now prevents violation of the identity. Genetic experiments with long-nosed rats to test this idea are at an early stage.
[edit] Abilities of Elephants
It is said that elephants can not jump. Also, I am faily certain they are uncapable of peeling oranges, divination, bending time, and long division
[edit] The Elephant and Corn
Elephants are used as a tool for measuring corn height. According to the United States Constitution, corn may only be harvested when it reaches the eye of an elephant. Most corn farmers own at least one elephant for measuring purposes. Smaller farms generally rent an elephant during harvest season. In areas where small corn farms are common, at least one circus will generally be found, supported primarily by elephant rentals.
[edit] The Elephant and Corn ... holes
Who says elephants don't masturbate?
The Elephant is well known for reproducing through, highly acidic, spores.
[edit] Elephants Are Afraid of mice
Yes, I'm afraid it's true. Elephants are afraid of mice! No one knows why. Maybe they're just afraid of being tickled. And now that mice have found out the use of guns, elephants R afraid of these little critters capping them up on the streets. they did it on myhbusters ...... thus making it true.
[edit] Elephants as a source of lyrics
Elephants are often used as an inspiration fro somebody to write a song. A song about elephants. And about Africa. Since the elephants live in Italy, most of the elephant songs are written by japanese authors.
This is a chorus from an Arabian song:
أنا أحب الفيلة ، وأحب الفيلة! فهي حلوة وكانت رائحة مثل الشوكولا ، يا عزيزي الفيلة!
For further information use Google Translator.
Another sick sample of lyrics (Warning: This song was written by a mentally unbalanced person):
Torsofuck Raped by elephants
I was visiting in africa two months ago
My goal was to see all those wild animals
Most excited I was when I came close to elephants
They were so big and somehow so scary
Something happened when I snapped a picture
Three elephants surrounded me
One of them ripped off all my clothes
Second elephant came on me and started to spread my buttocks
With its huge trunk
I screamed in agony when I felt it started to shove up my ass
Third elephant forced me to take its giant cock in my mouth
I sucked like a whore while I was assfucked by elephant trunk
After all it wasnt too bad at all
It took only about ten minutes and cock in my mouth started to cum
Extremely huge load of elephant sperm filled my throat and
Spurted allover my face
I was completely fucked up, but elephants had one more thing to do
All three of them huffed and puffed shits on me
Then they left me alone with my ripped asshole
I'll never go to Africa again
[edit] The Future of the Elephant
The number of elephants has quintupled in the last 6 months. Because elephants are really strong, smart, friendly, and magical, they have signed a peace treaty with humans that they can live side by side if there is enough ice cream to go around. In the Jungle the mighty jungle the elephant eats your mother. A wumba way a wumba way a wumba way. Most elephants will go on to evolve into ants in a few thousand years time. Because evolution can be a bit slow sometimes (they are a bit behind).
[edit] See also
- Asian elephant
- Dancing Elephant
- Pasketmaul - A sport played aboard elephants.
- The melancholy of runaway elephants
- Snuffleupagus
- Republicans
- Jeff Hardy
