Middle school
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“Hey did you see that South Park/Family Guy/Robot Chicken last night? LOLZ!!!”
~ Your Best Friend in Middle School
All your problems can be traced back to the post-modern Chinese water torture commonly known as middle school. Most of the time you go through awkward puberty, having some gigantic zit that you can never get rid of. You start to think you are the smartest person in the world even though you probably are the most stupid. You can't stop saying "like" or "dude." You think your hair looks terrible every day and one of the popular kids SO wants you. Braces caused you utter pain every day. Let's just face it. Life sucked. Justin Timberlake, Akon, 50 Cent, and Jessica Simpson are gods. You can't stop dissing Lindsay Lohan. You make collages out of magazines. Girls want bras really bad and boys try to steal condoms.
[edit] The Schools
The schools are created to adapt to the young adult's growing habitat. Random people you have never seen before are probably studying your every move and insecurity for some anti-teen documentary.
[edit] The Bathrooms
Most bathrooms are larger than normal elementary- or high- schools. Middle school is well known for its gossip; the large rooms echo more so the teachers can hear the loud and profane opinions on every subject suggested by the media. Additionally, there are many more disposable bins in the girls' restroom because of their need to change diapers with their unstable monthly issues.
[edit] The Lessons
[edit] Language
Among the most important lessons learned in middle school is that of colorful language. Five seconds ago, "fuck" was reported to be the word most commonly heard from people between the ages of twelve and 42 (number), so it is critically important that newcomers use it frequently and in front of teachers. Grammar-in-context lessons are often given by the older grades, like so:
Sixth grader: Wh-where's the bathroom again? Eighth grader: Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck! It's right the fuck over fucking there. Pay some fucking attention, dammit!!
[edit] Writing
Traditionally, boring old English is taught before middle school, but this is sought to be remedied as soon as the new students discover the internet.
After all, omfg gramr z 4 fuckin n00bs! lolz! ;D
[edit] Writing Example
Here is an example of how middle schoolers write when they try to "get some" online:
c00lguy40 - 13 year old teenager pretending to be an adult.
Prettywoman23 - MILF
c00lguy40: LOLz, hEy w4nn4 d0 1t? Prettywoman23: do you like MILFs? c00lguy40: (; H4h4 wutz uh M1LF? Prettywoman23: Well Stephan. It means, Mom I'd Like To Fuck c00lguy40: OMGWTFBBQ! M0m? *c00lguy40 has signed off* Prettywoman23: Now do your homework! And then take out the garbage!
[edit] Math
Math is actually secretly run by credit card companies. That way they will brainwash those already idiot kids to shop for ever and ever and ever! For it is OKAYYYY to use a credit card and go in debt because your new forming breasts would look great in that low cut Express top!
[edit] History
Learning how the world sucks and everyone is greedy is FUN!
[edit] Other School Sheeet
[edit] School Dances
yahh grinding. This is where teenagers show their full slut-itude. The girls usally think it's all to show off their high cut dresses but the guys think their gonna "get sum". The OK kids stand around with friends and make fun of people who actually dance at dances, and the "cool" kids are on the dance floor grinding and humping their girlfriend/boyfriend to britney spears "gimme more". But the "uber cool' kids are scattered throughout the school grounds making out in 'hidden' places, but somehow right in front of you at the same time. The emo kids stay home beacause dancing is "gay", really wishing they were there but really just too self concious. And of course, there's the one kid whose mom is volunteering and everyone is silently laughing at/ feeling sorry for. ah, dances... you're better off just bowling with some friends. The cool gut would be humping the wanna be slutty gurlz on the floor
[edit] Graduation
Graduation is more like gambling. People bet who will succeed in life and who won't. Or which popular kid is going to get fat and which loser is gonna be hot as helllll ohh baby! Excited about high school? Shove it. It's gonna suck.
[edit] Awards
Awards aren't as positive as they seem. Once they are given, the chosen ones shall be cursed FOR LIFE!
Translations of awards:
MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED AWARD goes to person who won't likely succeed.
BEST DRESSED AWARD goes to person who will have a fat ass later on in life.
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD goes to person who will give up in life.
MOST BEAUTIFUL AWARD goes to person who will become an alcoholic.
DIDN'T GET AWARD goes to people the teachers consider low standards, but later on in life will have lot better sex than Mrs. Reese did!
LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED goes to person who is despised by people for being just plain better than them and is destined to succeed... in bed.
[edit] Sports
Steroids, anorexia, bulimia, steroids, jocks, anorexia, perversive coaches, cheerleaders, steroids...
[edit] Sex-ed
A class filled with embarrassed giggles at the mention of the words: Period, Penis, Vagina, Breasts, or Ejaculation. To make sure abstinence is always followed through, the children are forced to watch either a video of a woman giving birth or a slide show of the worst venereal infections that can be conceived of. The girls fall to the floor in mental anguish and pain. The boys have nightmares of castration. All of this usually results in either temporary paralysis or the life-long dream to get laid.
[edit] The Stereotypes
You WERE (whether you like it or not) one of these people.
[edit] The Geek
You love computers and Terry Practchett. You play the Powder Game in your spare time. You can quote any Monty Python skit at will. You have either glasses or braces and everyone teases you. The only thing that differentiates you from a nerd is you don't know C++, but that's okay 'cause you'll have a serious girlfriend before the "popular people" (but then be dumped by her after a year and a half when she realizes she is too hot for you and goes out with that big guy that can kick your ass)
[edit] The Wannabe
You often have no friends or self-esteem and you often hang around the "cool kids" because you think that you actually have a shot at being popular. You don't follow the fundamental logic that one or two friends are better than none. So you try to become popular and fail in the process.You laugh half-heartedly at the pranks and jokes that "popular" kids play on the "losers", but often are completely oblivious to the fact that the real joke is on...ahem...YOU. You stand right next to the table of the "rulers" of the school at the cafeteria even though they aren't your friends. You try to dance with them at the school dance but you are outside the circle. You read teen magazines to figure out what on earth they are saying. BUT You finally get popular when you start dressing like them.
[edit] The Popular Chick
They rule the school but everyone hates you. You wear tight, low cut shirts even though you haven't developed anything at all yet. You will lose your virginity in a month to some twenty year old guy who promised you candy and to be number one on his friends list, despite the fact he just uses you to get a cheap fuck and laugh. You are a cheerleader and take school spirit too seriously. You think the losers at the school want you. You say "like" way too much. You swap boyfriends with your friends every few days. You are too daft to realize middle aged men including the janitor pretending to clean up near your table are staring at you. You are going to be a soccer mom and be bored until you have an affair. you are usually followed around by a pack of your "friends" and you all put on an act for the rest of the school, pretending that you "love each other like sistersss." But we all know what goes down at those ten sleepovers a week you have. You have the tendency to add extra letters to the end of your wordssss.
[edit] The Jock
You are popular but can't read or write. You wear polos and constantly "pop your collar." Sometimes you feel the need to layer the polos and pop all the collars at once. You talk about sex too much to get attention, but have no idea what you are talking about. I mean, a girl blows when she gives a blow job, right? You get nerds to research it for you. You curse too often and use "dude," "shit," "fuck," (or any variants) as a filler when you can't think of a proper adjective/adverb/noun/etc. You will attempt to get laid when you hit puberty, but will find yourself lasting around 30 seconds, if you do, in fact, get laid. You go on Facebook and put class of 2017 when you graduate from college. You live in Los Angeles and don't know where Glendale is. You upset all of your girlfriends by yelling at them. You are as confused as a man in Harlem on father's day. You don't have to worry about marriage or kids. It will never happen! All the popular chicks are going to go to the sensitive guys.
[edit] The Loner
You sit by yourself and eat. You watch people eat. You don't care if you are popular or not. You read a lot and go on computers. Sure life is okay now, but you will be rich as hell when you get older and become a lawyer. This is because you understand people on the inside by tearing inside peoples souls. You edit Wikipedia and Uncyclopedia.
[edit] The Nerd
Your voice squeaks every time you use your vocal chords and you advance through puberty very slowly. You sit with the other nerds and play chess. You are often seen wearing plaid, glasses (thick frames optional), highwater pants, and goofy shoes. You can often be spotted at a distance due to your pizza face. You read every Star Wars book, write "fanfics" about it, and day dream about Princess Leia. You will become the next Bill Gates after reading all those gigantic "how to" computer books. You already built the next generation of a computer. An inhaler is in your pocket. You edit Wikipedia and Uncyclopedia. You read WikiAfterDark to get sex tips. You carry your graphing calculator with you at all times, safe and snug in its zippered case with your full name embroidered across the front. You also carry a large stack of books to every class, but you'll only use one or two in the course of a day.
[edit] The Wannabe Goth
You don't even dress up as a goth because you haven't seen the real ones in high school. You act all depressed even though you draw flowers on your notebook and sleep with your teddy bear. You get a guitar for your birthday even though you can't figure out how to play.
[edit] The OK Kids
The popular kids call these young teens "okay" because they don't cause problems and "aren't that bad." The OK kids don't care that the popular kids went through puberty much quicker, making them realize you don't have to be cool to be popular, you just need boobs. The girls dress in jeans or skirts with t-shirts. The guys always carry around a skateboard and have scabbed elbows from always falling off them, but they're smart enough to have an ok conversation with their older siblings high school friends. They daydream of driving a car and a permit. they are probably the only normal kids in school and will finally break free from their public school career to be awesome college students.
[edit] Wanna be Gangsta (Wanksta)
You are a person (of any race) who feels the need to perpetuate negative African American stereotypes.
[edit] Just weird
You are JUST weird. You dress funny. You try to be funny but just aren't funny. You aren't a nerd because you suck at math. You either become a choir student or go in band, even though you suck at both. You haven't gone through puberty yet except for the zits... You have a lot of zits. You have uber gappy teeth with braces. You always have to go to the orthodontist because you have to have that toasted bagel. Another variation of the just weird are when you actually try to be weird because you think it's cool. It's not cool also being loud and singing a lot and shit is not funny either!!! Shut up and stop wearing leg warmers. No one likes you.
[edit] The Religious
OMG! God loves you! You can't stop loving your religion. If you are not allowed to do something religious at your school, you shove it in peoples' faces (GO JESUS). You wear youth group t-shirts all the time and carry around a bible. Your MySpace is full of bible quotes. You mostly hang with your friend at your church/temple youth groups. Not anyone at middle school. If anyone fails to meet your religious requirements, you preach your beliefs and try to guilt-trip the victim into attending church with you.Remember,WWJD!? The Religious have strong ties in:
- The Gangstas
- The Preps (preppy catholic girl)
- The Redneck Drop-outs
[edit] The Redneck Drop Out
Y'alls neck is BRIGHT RED!!!! Ya'll drop out of some of dem middle schools in 5 days cus yo I.Q. is 3. Yo go an' hitch n' marry yo cousin in Kansas and study creation for fun while working at McDonalds. Did I saih yah got yoh sistah preggs? Ya'll 'ave rattail hair an' plaid shirts an' blue jean torn shorts!!! Don't forget one of dem confederate baseball caps! Your promotion for underage truck driver is comin up! YEEHAA!
[edit] The Emo Kid
Short for "emotive hardcore." You of the emos have your own genre of music, fashion, argot and other trappings in a futile attempt to prove their uniqueness. You take irritatingly similar pictures with similar faces, often including peace signs. You post bulletins on MySpace with song lyrics as the title and usually tend to be some boring quiz on yourself. Sometimes you are sad one minute and pissed off the next, most probably due to the useless bullshit you are constantly thinking about. Stop it. All of this is relevant to you, the emo, who will consider themselves misunderstood and repressed. You bitch about your well off suburban lifestyle and pretend that everyone hates you. There is a 50% chance that you will become a cutter, and that's probably good for everyone, since you annoy the fuck out of everyone with your asshole attitude. Some emos, however,disguise themselves as one of the preps with their style of dressing when really what they are thinking is, Shut up! I hate you! I'm gonna go crawl in a corner and slit my wrists! Is that what you want bitch? Of course it is, you hate me! ): Fuck you! My boyfriend broke up with me, so I'm gonna write some depressing poetry! Is my eye-liner too drowned in sadness for you? Is it too great for you? I know the world is entirely against me!! I just wanna dieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
[edit] The Otaku
Can also be identified as emo. As the otaku, you draw anime, think anime, talk anime, and love Japan in general. You usually have a circle of friends who are more or less the same, and at lunch instead of eating you sit around and draw. You also take art class, which leads to drawing more anime. Because you draw it so much, your drawings are almost perfect by 8th grade. On Halloween, you don't dress up, you cosplay as your favorite Haruhi Suzumiya character. If you're not fat and are a girl, this can be cute. If you're a guy, though, you might just be called a fag. You have a DeviantArt account, 4chan account, or accounts on both, but despite all this you can be somewhat normal if you aren't too open about your obsessions.
[edit] The Scene Kid (Ryan Hamell)
Short for nothing. You Can be identified by choppy, badly dyed mullet, skinny jeans,band t-shirt, and winged eyeliner. You have a myspace with pictures of her from crazy angles with a TUFF face on because your so hardxcore,you Must be vegitarian or vegan,you often says things like "SUP NIGZ" or "KTHXBAI" or "I HATE YOU KDIE" or "IM COOLER THAN YOU K" or "SUP IM RAD". ,you have a livejournal [of course] to bitch about how much melodrama you and your friends create for yourselves "and then like Jenny was like 'what's up with your hair it looks like a mullet' and that's when I went home and cried,listening to my drop dead gorgeous cd for 2 hours, she is so dead to me". you crowd your myspaces with things such as dinosaurs,cupcakes,hello kitty, brass knuckles,going to shows "like every weekend",relatively unknown indie movies you've only seen in the video store,zebras,hatred of "judgemental people",the twilight saga, and "hearing that old familiar song again" in order to seem "random" or "deep". Often Confused with your similar cousin emo,you usually clump together with the popular kids and are better looking than the emos by far , while emo kids are more angsty and more harry potter. originally native to hot topic you have begun sprouting up other places such as american apparel,urban outfitters,alloy, delia's,and pac sun. you claim to be individual but can be found a dime a dozen on sites such as purevolume, and last FM. Hey you cunt stop stealing my songs before I write a whole entry on livejournal about how infuriated I am! Everyone knows I like freaxxx by brokencyde , therefore if you like it your a poser KTHNXBAI!<3333
[edit] That Freak
You hate those popular chicks. You way much hate the wannabe. You hate Disney Channel but sometimes watch it. You can't follow that confusing fashion and just acting like you're standing in the middle of a railway and a train is chasing after you. You're not a nerd. You're make tons of jokes of those chicks and wannabe, or the teacher (it might be funny or not). Life's way cool! You're garbage in the friendster and don't know MySpace yet. Maybe you're better like that. And, you maybe hate or like uncyclopedia. And all of you want to kill HANNAH MONTANA and jonas brothers because they make people know they are normal people and you're garbage in their home.
[edit] AfTeR sChOol
[edit] Bar and Bat Mitzvahs
Really Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are nap times for adults. The boys squeak through the Torah portion and the girls are waiting nervously for the popular girls to come to their Synagogue. The after party is where girls keep on pulling up their tube tops while dancing and the boys try to bump and grind with the girls even though they have never daydreamed truly about sex yet. The girls wear high platform sandals. They fall over all the time injuring their feet. You can tell who did when they are adults. They limp and have crooked ankles. If the party isn't perfect, they never love their parents ever again, or they are put on the MTV show Sweet Sixteen.
[edit] Claire's
A store where girls get their ears pierced and demand their parents money for plastic tiaras.
[edit] Myspace
WHAT??? You are of the age of 12-13 and on MYSPACE??? OMG! CAN I BE YOUR FRIEND TOOOOOO?LOLOLOLOLOL :D. OMG I HAD THIS GUY WHO WAS LIKE OMFG 32 SAY HE WANT ME AND I WAS LIKE. WUT Y? AND HE WAS LIKE, I LOVE YOU!!!! I MEET HIM TOMORROW!!'' Those were the last words of Melanie Mills, before she was attacked by a ped. No, internet is no longer safe. Go look SOMEONE IS STALKING YOU ON MYSPACE!! Its supposed to be a social network for kids 16 and up but...who follows that anyway? OMG! :D XOXOXO!!!! Go on! Show off your undeveloped bod with photos reflecting your bathroom mirror!!!!!
[edit] Television
The Disney Channel is all you watch. Nothing more needs to be said.
[edit] See Also
- pedophile
- 12 year olds invading the internet
- Harry Potter
- High School or High school girls
- Unspoiled Virgin
- Michael Jackson
- 12 year old girl theory
- Child Supremacy
- Middle Earth
- Johnny Depp(see DILF) xoxxo OMG
- Popularity
- Girl and Girls
- Schoolgirl
- abstinence
- Boys
- High School Musical
- Death
