Electronic nose

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CxW

Dr Christopher Walton demonstrating his electronic nose.

The electronic nose is a device created by Dr Christopher Walton of Dursley, West Lincolnshire. It was conceived after the loss of his own nose in a house fire in 1973. Whilst being of great interest in many spheres, and despite being capable of detecting and differentiating seventeen different types of rhubarb, it was found to have no great practical application outside of the living room.

As a reward for his scientific endeavor, he was given a position in the Slovenian Military Academy for Boys, following intensive training as a pharmacologist.

edit Mode of operation

The nose operates by converting, in scientific nomenclature "smell particles" into an electric current. The electric current, whilst small, is amply endowed with the capability for catalysing reactions between a gold electrode and its substrate. It is one of the first known biosensor configurations.

edit Breathotron

The Breathotron is a device, similar to the electronic nose, that is capable of elucidating nationality, from a standardised sample of random Scottish individuals. It works on the belief that the exhaled breath of a highly nationalistic person contains more acetone vapour than is generally recognised as agreeable in polite circles. It was conceived after a rationalised process of scientific endeavor, during which it was found that the change in behaviour following use of the said device led to protracted bouts of "Scotland the Brave", emanating from the subjects. Claims of hyperoxia have been widely refuted.

Calibration of the device is achieved via the playing of chess, starting with a low level of concentration and finishing with a high levele of concentration. The movement of pawns is considered obligatory for the ages of 18 and above.

edit Smell particles

These are tiny molecule-like species to which a normal human nose is sensitive. Sensitivity is calibrated for by scientists using the Goering scale, with inertised cotton wool at 0, and dog-shit set to a value of 10. This scale predates the discovery of Hai-Karate, for which the Goering Index indicates a value exceeding 10.4

Smell particles have long been known to have diagnostic abilities. The Ancient Chinese were known to smell new-born babies in order to discover their sex. This method was found to have an almost 60% correlation with the visual checking of the incumbent village shaman, who, as well as being the government-appointed supplier of hard hallucinogenic drugs, passed for a medical practitioner in the 1970s.

edit Noses - their place in history

Famous noses:

edit Famous nose quotes

No brief treatise of the history of the nose would be complete without at least a few quotes from literature, history and politics. Hence the following has been meticulously made up this morning, whilst imbibing a mixture of hot water, milk, sugar and ground up sheep's knackers.

  • Frankly my dear, I don't give a nose... (from Jane Eyre's "Pride and Prejudice")
  • I have in my hand[kerchief], a piece of paper... (Neville Chamberlain, just prior to Britain's involvement in the 6-day Suez conflict, 1956)
  • Who nose? (G.W.Bush, Washington, Tyne and Wear)
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