El Salvador
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“¡Viva la Verga! ”
~ Federico Trillo, spanish ex-minister, while visiting your mom.
“You are going to need a "Salvador" to come alive from that crazy country ”
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El Salvador, also referred to as "La Salvatrucha", is an anarchic state currently controlled by the Fourth Reich or AmeriKKKa. El Salvador roughly translates into English as "The Salvador", a reference to the first Emperor of country who styled himself heavily on The Chad from Scrubs. Testament to this is the national dress of tight underwear, and the statewide holidays Lotion Day and Oiled Upper Chest Improvement Week.
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[edit] Terrorism in El Salvador
El salvador is the sexiest country on earth. The capital of El Salvador, illogically called Steven Peck, is on permanent terror alert "Red" after a series of attacks in 2006 from a group calling itself "Shadow Cabinet". Initially thought to be a reference to the popular El Salvadoran soap, "El Shadow Cabineta", it was later found to be members of the country's actual shadow cabinet with a love of explosives, chaotic news reports and papaya. The contradiction between the declared anarchy of the country and the existence of a shadow cabinet was largely ignored. Joseph Martinez NAK 111 is Salvadorian, so is alot of people, but in the end they all smll like shit.
The terror alert system in El Salvador is one of the most complex, most heavily invested in and most ineffective in the world. There are 17 alert scales or 'levellas' based on colours, greek letters, and synth pop artists from the 1980's. From lowest terror level to greatest, they are White, Green, Beta, Nik Kershaw, Oscar Romero, Cyan, Pulped Papaya Colour, Omega, Dead or Alive, Alpha, Orange, Howard Jones, Wheat, Mauve, Gamma, Soft Cell, Red, and The Breakfast Club. Each terror level has 9 sub-levels, and these are determined at 7.19am every morning by four Jewish immigrants whole role 19 dice in an alleyway. The totals shown are then summed, and a chart is used to determined the terror level for that day. The decided level is the delivered to the Supreme Chancellor's office, escorted by the entire military, whereupon receiving the letter he burns it and throws a dart at a colour chart on his office wall, meaning that only levels named after colours are ever effectual.
[edit] International Notoriety
El Salvador is infamous for invading itself a record 94 times, and its lack of a primary school education system. Children attend kindergarten at age 2 for three years, and then are compulsorily conscripted to serve in the armed forces until age 12, after which they attend secondary school. This has lead to both international condemnation and the slogan for the El Salvadoran armed forces - "El Salvadoran Armed Forces - You wouldn't shoot a 6 year old kid in the face would you, asshole?" But despite that El Salvador is rather safe and known by most people for being a nice place for a vacation. US Travel Officials suggest that you take the following objects when travelling to El Salvador - Gas Mask
- A gun (preferebly Automatic)
- A Cell Phone with the US Army as one of the contacts
- A Garrobo
- A tank
- A flag
- A portable toilet
they recommed to stay away from these:
- A shirt or tattoo with the figure 18 or MS on it.
- A United States Flag (unless you want your dead body to be mutilated beyond recognition).
- A Slingshot (In a crazy country where even birds try killing and stealing from you a slingshot won't help)
- A cell phone with the US Airforce as one of the contacts
- Pupussys, Burritos, Mole, Pozole... ah screw it...
- White or Black skin color
- Judaism (El Salvador fought infamously against the allies in WWII in the lesser known Central American theatre of the war)
- Capitalism, it only sparks war
If you want to have some good ol' Salvy a: - Celebrate the biannual El Salvador Coup'detat. According to the national Salvadoran tourism website they say: Participate in the Biannual El Salvador Coup'detat, great family fun and enjoyment while at the same time rebelling at our shitty government. There are Street Vendors offering Molotov Cocktails, Hand Grenades, Ak-47, and cotton candy so Just come and have a Rebellious Time.
- The World Famous El Salvador gang initations. Head to your favorite Barrio in El Salvador and beat the shit out of a little kid and watch him become a member of Satan's army. Great fun. State Sponsered. The el Salvador air force provides great Protection. Oh and if you are lucky they might shoot someone in the head. Remember bring a Camera and a bullet proof vest! And have yourself a great time! Viva El Salvador.
- An awesome Football game. Pick your favorite local team (Aguila, FAS, L.A. Firpo, FC Barcelona etc) and watch em battle each other to earn a victory! El Salvador has great Football venues such as the Estadio Cuscatlan, The Local High School team's stadium, and the New Wembley. A Note to Fans (Hinchas) - Bring favorite teams shirt alongside a gas mask and a 50 caliber gun for some good ol' after-game fun, El Salvador style.
- An awesome day with the guerrilas! Head over to the mountains near Chalatenango or Hong Kong and find yourself some good ol' guerrillas. They are loads of fun! They teach your kids about History, Life as a guerrilla fighter, and also why Communist ideas will always defeat the evils of capitalism. Please note that ever since 1980 a lot of participants in this famous acitivity have gone missing, died, or been charged with crimes against humanity.
- National White supremacy day! Head over to a small pueblo and help massacre the 100+ left Native Americans in El Salvador.
- Cuscatlan Film Festival, the most famous film festival in the entire g-d damn universe. Watch great screenings of the greatest movies that win Los Oscars (Los Premios de la Academia). Great Movies these year include.
>CP el Cipote Pendejo
>Cerote Millionaire
>Saving Guerrilero Gomez
- National pride day! Bring your Mexican, Guatemalan, Honduran, Indian, and Argentinan flags to this great festival. For the gayer participants Nicaraguan Flags will do. You will be give a free box of matches to burn these flags and dance around the sacred Cow, la cava while hearing the local famous folk music: La sonora Dinamita. Finish the National Pride Day by Leaving a monetary offering to the Cuscatlan Chicken, the most famous Salvadoran person/animal. It is sacred because It saved El Salvador from total destruction in 1659 when it organized a Militant Chicken organization to fight back the invading Guatemalans. Either that or because it is the oldest chicken alive.
- Las Fiestas Patronales! Great localn fun, each pueblo/city has it's own diety that they must worship every year to prevent wars, uprisings, dictators, and famine (it hasn't been working, has it?). This worshipping involves hearing dangerously loud music and dressing up like idiots. Example of Dieties include:
- The Buddha
- La Ciguanagua
- Rob Halford
- National let's get the Hell out of this country day! According to the official El Salvador Tourism website 'Have exciting fun travelling out of this country and marching into Guatemala, mexico, and the USA'. Extremely awesome as a last minute activity if you lost your ticket back to the USA. Extremely funny and great for fixing vendettas against rival countries, the organizers of this ever recommend you to bring these along:
- Ak-47, to ummm... help the poor mexicans battle crime in their streets... umm yeah let's go with that
- Rocks, to throw at stupid Guatemalan kids that get in front of the bus
- Lots of Salvadoran flags, to make people run and hide when they see you coming.
- A tank, if like most Salvadorans, you own a tank but not a car help escort the bus and also bomb any Mexican places like the Estadio Azteca or a pyramid.
- Fake Visas, or real ones if you that's the way you roll.
- Anti Border Patrol Repellants, available in most Mexican and Salvadoran gift shops, these are available in both lotion and spray form. WARNING: might containt allergic reactions
- Independence Day! A great day for anyone, regardless whether they are salvadoran or not (really embarrasing day if you are Spanish though...) Have fun dressing up as pissed of Indians beating up some white dudes! "Remember" Says The Salvadoran Governnment,"The day we gain independecnce from the Galactic Empire!"
[edit] Cuisine
The Pupusa is the favorite food of Salvadorans, interestingly enough its also the extent of their cuisine. You can eat pupusas in the breakfast, in the lunch and for dinner too, but if you do that throughout the course of an entire day you wont make it to the dinner, as the pupusa is the natural source of Sulfuric Acid. Pupusas are usually served with 'curtido' a salad like topping that cointains human brains in it... I mean lorroco. Despite it's small variety... El Salvador ha won in 1990, 1995, 2001, 2009, and 1543 the World Famous "Best food in the damn World Award!" Beating nations that went out of their way to cook something impressive like the Italians.
[edit] Governance
El Salvador is currently being ruled by Supreme Chancellor Carlos de los Cobos, a Mexican who declared himself ruler upon hearing that the country was an anarchic state. Described as short, stocky and criminally insane, Carlos is rumoured to eat a live baby seal every morning. In rival to his power is the lone House of Representatives, comprising three men and a cat with alleged telepathic powers to predict the weather. As of 2009, there is currently a debate going on as to whether or not there is an actual form of government in El Salvador. There most notable Salvadoran is Adrian Bayo a 14 year old boy currently residing in orlando. He has no major accomplishments exept that he is the only Salvadoran to have stabbed less than 5 people.
There are a couple of political parties that like to get involved in awesome wars, I mean nice Democtratic election battles:
ARENA - (A Really Endangered Nazi Asshole) named after its political founder and current leader: Adolf Hitler and because it reminds us all that Nazi organizations world wide are endangered and that they are assholes. They where in power from 1985-2009 where the only major highlight was that they paved a single street in San Salvador.
FMLN - (Fuck Me Like Never... before) Started out as a porn agency named FMLNB but the B was omitted when people began to realize that the word 'before' was extremely offensive and little kids shouldn't be exposed to that kind of vocabulary. During a famous porn scene the porn stars were fucking so hard that they got up and got violent... they changed their names to Guerrileros for unknown reasons, burned several villages, spread socialist propaganda, and awoke in the jungle after having a huge orgasm. Then the ex-porn stars faced a harsh reality- they were at war with El salvador. After suprisingly almost caputring the country against the pathetic army (Conflict called the War on Pornagraphy aka La Guerra Civil, part of the Cold War). In the end the Guerrrileros decided that they wanted to fuck in a scene again so they made a peace treaty. But then they became a political party which lost every damned rigged elecion in the country until 2009... the new president started out by fucking up the ARENA party in a speech.
MS-13 - (Mara Salvatrucha 13) Like most Organizations in El Salvador like the National Child Protection agency it started out as a militant organization. Finally they settled down in San Salvador and became a local favorite... geting most of the youth's votes, la Mara is a promosing a presidenctial win in a near future. Their political ideaology is DrugDealingocy and Violenceism
[edit] Sport
Salvadorans like football, so much so that they never lose a game, which they achieve by never playing or attempting a coup during any match. The country has only one team, the Nougats, which have failed to excite locals since their inception to the Nazioanl Futball Leagues in 1997. Over 103% of the Salvadoran population legally support Barcelona and Real Madrid, thanks to a commercial agreement between the clubs' sponsors and the Salvadoran Government of the time. They are all notorious for starting wars when they start losing games, such as Football War.
[edit] Geography
Located in the central Americas between Foreigna, Honduras and Mordor, El Salvador is approximately 12 square miles of largely inhospitable land that declared independence from Poland in 1909. The Polish to this day remained baffled as to why, as they have never had any influence in the area to speak of. El Salvador has a total population of 123, which interestingly enough is the same as their total GNP in Japanese Yen, a fact that has found its way onto Salvadoran 50 cent pieces. Each Salvadorean family gets about 12 inches of land to build a small hut and a hammock.
[edit] Famous Salvadorans
- Wendy Ramirez, president of 2015 resident of Usulutan, El Salvador
-Barrack Obama, leader of the das reich
-Ronaldinho, Local dunce.
-Darth Vader, claims being from another galaxy but bith certificate contradicts that.
-Osama bin Laden, born 10 miles east of Soyapango, got hit hard in a coconut, went to live in the mountains of Chalatenango where he thought that he was a crazy arab fighting the US. As of know the US is still searching for him in arab countries and Bin Laden still thinks he is somewhere in Northern Pakistan
-All of the Mexicans, well sort of, they are El Salvador's bitches!
-Me
-That guy with the face
-Juan Escalante, Notorious Gangster who was shot dead near acajutla.
- Farabundo Marti, Local comedian who has been signed by comedy central, known for his marxist routines
- Eliseo Quintanilla - World famous athlete in the country who cries everytime he fucks up.
- Jorge "El Magico" Gonzalez - Beloved Ex-General of the Salvadoran Armed Soccer Riot Army Division (SASRAD)... massacred about 10 Mexicans during a 'Friendly' in 1981... then became President of the Republic and led the national army during the Civil War and engineered their victory over the Martians. Invaded Spain in 1982 (as part of his, "payback operations", Very cleverly disguised as the 1982 FIFA World Cup, which people now know is fictional because FIFA is not a fucking word) His fellow soldiers remember him as falling asleep during war training and exercises and showing up late to the bsase after having been drunk and partying. Famously bought an ugly Monkey from a Mexican Zoo named by it's former owners: "Hugo Sanchez", He kept it at the local soccer stadium where every now and then he would give it an ocassional beating (Affectionatly called Masconazos because of the heavy uses of sponges in the Monkey's torture) these are still remember by Salvadorans and many vidoes can be found in youube depicting this hilarious event. Eventually the monkey in 2006 escaped El Salvador and went on an underground train back to Mexico where it was picked to be Mexico's Soccer Team's Drill Sargeant aka Head Coach. Being a typical monkey he fucked up and lost every invasion in US territory.
-Jap
[edit] Economy
Currently being raped by US companies. El Salvador is by far the world's richest country, it's economy is the Jealousy of the First World. They are so Rich that they leave their country so that they can buy off more land. National Curreny is either the US Dollar or Soccer Tickets. Fuck Mexico they are greasy beaner Indian shit-eating...
 | Central America and South America |
| Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Salvador | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Mexico | New Mexico | Nicaragua | Panama | Panama Canal Zone | |
| South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Venezuela (en español) |
