El Paso, Texas

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl.”

~ Marty Robbins on Plano

El Paso is a city in the Republic of West Texas, and NOT MEXICO, China, Taiwan, or the disbanded Oligarchy of my Cock.

[edit] History

El Paso was founded in the jurassic period by Shao-lin Monks, seeking to escape the persecution and attacks of Mexican Dinosaurs. They named the new place the place were the dinosaurs will not rip us limb from limb, or El Paso. Many people joined them in the 8th century, hoping to mine Phazon. It later became the birth place of Kung-fu.

In 2222, on June 1 at 6:00, El Paso was stolen by illegal aliens from the south of the Rio Grande, legend has it that it was Julio Juan Jacobo Jose Luis Miguel Fernando Manuel Gonzalez de La Sagrada Familia del Lago donde Pepe se mato Mientras disfrutaba de una BudLight who led the heist. Two minutes later, the ransom was paid by very rich white people and the Earth took back El Paso and two tons of Bean BURRITOS with hatch green chile on the side (alumbre) for fire hot.

El Paso was later destroyed to make room for a Cowboy preserve. John Cook vetoed the destruction.

On March 1, 2232, the Cowboy preserve was destroyed to make room for El Paso II.

On March 2, 2232, El Paso II was destroyed to make room for a huge statue of Ernest Borgnine.

On March 3, 2232, El Paso loses World War VII to horny nazis led by Hitler's twin sister"Acock Kiker"

In the 1850s the great Mexican conspiracy to dominate political, cultural and economically the United States started in this bordertown and until now this conspiracy has been effectively executed in El Paso with now more than 80% of population turned to Mexicanism and non-mexican people have been secluded in concentration camps making tortillas for export to North Korea.

[edit] Culture

El Paso has a very unusual and vibrant culture that is the envy of many Nazi sympathizers and Oregonian street-walkers. The city's cultural heritage consists primarily of constructing elaborate paper mache effigies of famous celebrities and attempting to bring them into being through ancient shamanistic magic.

The city's close proximity to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico has allowed it to absorb much of that city's cosmopolitan culture, including cuisine, music, drug trafficking, Nextel walkie-talkie style communication, and unsightly architechture.

It is a well known fact that burning less than 18 devotional candles with pictures of Saints on them (Such as Saint Allen the Cowboy and Saint Nacho) per day is considered a grave offense to native El Pasoenianites and will result in death by burrito-slap.

Installing hydraulics in one's car (the car has to be a lowrider, mind you) is considered to be a rite of passage into manhood. The other rites include getting a tattoo of a Mexican flag somewhere on one's body and placing green and red strobe-lights underneath one's car. The ceremony takes place ever Sunday at Ascarate Park where the head priest Pepe el Cholo Joto initiates those who wish to enter the secret gay cult.

El Paso is home to Coronado High School, the pride of the damn westside and area's best football school in all of El Paso. It is also the home of Franklin High School, the largest satanic whorehouse in the continental United States. It is mentioned in 50 Cent's song, "Donde Estan Las Putas?." It also contains many illegals. (GO back to your country which you are SO proud of[Viva mexico... shut the fuck up]). Also Montwood High School is located in El Paso which is the largest consumer of steroids west of the Mississippi river. Consumers of said steriods include cheerleaders, swimmers, FOOTBALL PLAYERS, basetball players, and the chess team. It is also a literal gay factory and its quarterback has a small penis. Another well known motto is "El Que No Brinque Es Culo!" which is typically used in Bowie vs. Jefferson football games. These two schools are known to have one of the greatest bitch fits in the western hemisphere. Such rivalry even lead to the destruction of the holiday "Saint Ernesto the Lowrider Day" which has by now been long forgotten. Another famous school of El Paso is J.M.Hanks High School (where the mighty Rene M. the Almighty homo graduated), which has been involved in large sacrificial activities. Cannibalism is their key course in which students are asked to eat babies of various ethnic backgrounds in which students receive 10 credits. Jefferson High School, the pride of central El Paso, is the proud home of Richard Ramirez, aka "The Night Stalker". But the one pride that El Paso has, is Americas High School. Americas has THE best basketball team and also has had several accomplishments in other sports. El Paso, is home of THE Chicos Tacos; that in itself is much to be said of this Almighty fast food joint. Just don't use the restrooms.

Pancho Villa, opened his first male brothel in El Paso on July 8, 1955. His first pledge class included John Cena "The Marine", The Jonas Brothers, Hulk Hogan, and Ted Bundy.

El Paso is also home to Yutep Yuniversity, where the Yutep Miners play football, basketball, and collegiate drug trafficking as sanctioned by el Chapo Guzman. It is here where Paul, in his letter to the Corinthians, documented the first sighting of the Negro actively engaging in the game of basketball.Yutep is exceptionally renowned for the famous "Handjob" on the fabulous Franklin Mountains. There is also a lesser known Jewtep Jewniversity,a special parochial institution to assimilate Palestinian immigrants.

[edit] Religion

El Paso's Relgious Breakdown is as follows:

• 120% Facialism, involving the general population of mexican whores who participate in large gatherings in which the "Wise" males ejaculate large gallons of semen unto the faces of females(preferably latinas').
• 123.456% Texan Separatists, usually White Anglo Saxon Protestants in trailer parks.
• .7890% Southern Baptists, in their mass conversion of Mexicans and Cactus program.
• 200% Roman (Mexican) Catholics, this religion demands everyone to have sex and have dozens of kids starting at the age of 12, this accounts for the large and diverse population. Also it is customary to shave and paint over the eyebrows with Sharpie.
• 22% Jewish
• 20% Jewish and a half
• 1% Muslim, aka Lalalalalalalalalalala!
• 5% Voodoo
• 23.76% The Mars Volta
• 69.12% The Divine Church Of Yamantaka
• 13% are heathens, which must be fought, "we" will fight the heathens, Gavin
  

At least once a month, native El Pasoaneites can be seen congregating in the desert to worship the local deity, known simply as "Keg."

[edit] Politics

El Paso is ran by Mexicans by proxy with a few Jews on the side. Blacks like to rob trains. A few Isleta Indians here and there have their own ghetto, their own police, fire dept., schools, medical clinics and the like, may well be another country of its own. They also have Speaking Rock, a temple once dedicated to Hulk Hogan and Whoopi "Whoopin Ass" Goldberg. This is where you can truly roll up to the Spirit in the Sky. Canadians have their own turf in the Eastern and northern edges of town where they try to cultivate maple syrup in the desert while saying "eh" and "aboat" in the prowsess. "Barrio Azteca" Democrats are the majority here. Asians are unheard of in this region, except for Alberto "El Chino" Gomez, who kinda looks chinese. Though Caucasians make the most miniscule portion of the city's overall population, they still record a record high of 32 cases of "sexual assault" on a daily basis as well as the comedic action of "public masturbation" which has become legalized through various bills on tumultuous remonstrations involving a mass feud of excessive masturbation among the legislators and protestors.

[edit] Economy

El Paso's primary exports are dirty water and dirty jokes.

El Paso's primary employer is Chico's Tacos, which also happens to be the largest consumer of rat meat in the continental U.S.

El Paso also serves as a major distribution center for illegal immigrants, many are sent to North Carolina to obtain driver's liscences and other places, such as Canadia and the Midwest.

El Paso's primary export are Neon freeway arches and corporate whores.

El Paso applied for professional sports and minor league baseball so many times, it's no longer expected. But head down to Juarez (or T.J.=TexJas) to see a bullfight, cockfight, futbol game or the Sun bowl college football game (the Rio Grande shifted course, thus it's now Mexican land).

[edit] Fun Facts about El Paso

• On average, absolutely no people are murdered hour in El Paso.
• Mexican females are completely unproportional from the waist down due to the excessive "pounding" of the anal cavity.
• Jonathan Goldstein does not always visit Texas, but when he does, he prefers El Paso.
• George W. Bush doesn't care about Mexican People.
• El Paso's death rate is seventeen times the birth rate.
• El Paso is home to Mamitas Enchiladas, where the world famous enchiladas de pescado are served.
• An angry unemployed black man walks in a McDonald's to shoot about 30 Mexican children, then point the gun at himself when the police arrived.
• The most common disease in El Paso is sonic diarrhea, followed closely by Geriatric Profanity Disorder (GPD).
• The first and second drafts of the El Paso Town Charter later became A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift.
• Michael J. Fox coined the term "Indians!" while being gang-raped by Apaches in El Paso.
• The local copper smelter, ASARCO, has long been known to shoot billowing clouds of VX Nerve Gas and Cholera germs into the atmosphere at random intervals. When questioned about this matter, El Paso City Councilman Stanley Freebowski remarked it was "pretty bitchin." On that note, ASARCO will be re-opened soon, with a newly added pipe connecting to the dog pound, the pipe is there specifically to kill puppies with nerve gas.
• Peter Shahinian freed all of his illegal migrant/alien workers, except the Mexican ones and one Jewish Teddy.
• Vete a la Verga, the world famous Mexican Grill, is locted at the Montana/Hawkins intersection.
• The climactic scene of Star Wars: Episode III in which Anakin is immolated by molten lava was filmed in El Paso's famous 'Sunnydale Meadows' park / iron foundry.
• El Paso has repeatedly claimed it is sister cities with Atlantis. When informed that Atlantis was, in fact, a fictional city-state, El Paso City Councilman Stanley Freebowski flew into a blind rage and claimed the lives of six reporters.
• El Paso is well known as the birthplace of James T. Kirk (the T. stands for Tee)
• El Paso is the birthplace of the most best movie ever, Manos: The Hands of Fate. This alone redeems El Paso for having vicious 12 year olds and Mexicanism.
• El Paso is also home to the Drag Racing News Vans.