Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu

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Eiki, with her stupid hat that resembles a cookie jar lid.

Eiki "Icky Sticky" Shiki is an immortal yam who judges people to see if they will go to Heaven, Hell, or the Netherlands, through the use of a vibrating dildo and a handheld mirror. She is known for her magnificent legs that compensate for her lack of breasts.

edit History

Eiki was not born. She was created by a deity named Zun, the God of Beer and Lolis, and somehow Eiki did not have this craving for alcohol. In fact, she stated that this is a sin and that the more sins a person committed, the more her rod becomes heavier [1], and the more it hurts when she swings it to your face like Babe Ruth doing a home run. Oh, by the way, she got that rod after God told her that he is tired of judging one and a half people every second, where he is still busy creating babies[2].

She also got a mirror that reflects the person's sins, but if Jesus would look at said mirror, it will either asplode or melt due to the infinite power of Christ, as shown in the equation (see figure 2).

Christ VS mirror equation

Figure 2 - How to convert raw Christ into renewable energy

Anyhow, her mirror was crafted out of the finest crystals in Indonesia, mixed with other secret ingredients similar to Bluesteel[3]. With these things on her hands, she became the ultimate judge of the living and the dead (mostly dead, although they will die again when they try to reach her as her subordinate, Komachi, wouldn't allow them to get through and be judged by Eiki. Rather live in Glasgow than having to face this fate). However, she was defeated by Reimu Hakurei, her witch friend, a crow, a maid who can stop time and throw knives, a moon rabbit, a half-human half-ghost, an Earth rabbit, a fairy, 3 musical poltergeists, a sparrow, a doll, a flower girl, her own subordinate grim reaper, or probably herself, depending on who you played as or if you finished the game (unless you never even managed to play the game, loser). After her defeat, Eiki went back to purgatory and continued working as a judge, replacing the three judges Minos, Aeacus, and Rhadamanthus, all three who have died of old age, which is why this yama was chosen to replace them.

edit Personality

Being the righteous and wise[4] judge she is, Eiki is known to lecture people about their attitudes, and will always be, indeed, boring. Unlike what a lot of fanboys dreamed about her, she isn't aggressive, but since fandom is canon, she will often judge people and always give them cruel and unusual punishments, especially if the to-be judged person has a huge bust. The punishment given to the big busted people will always involve donating some bits of their mammary glands and offer it to her[5], even if the alleged "criminal" is innocent. Refusal (or otherwise agreeing to do so but telling it to BBC) will always end up with the poor donator to go to hell (or a swift boff across the bonce) with no three o' clock snacks.

She also distinguishes black from white, black being evil and white being divine[6], which sympathetically and accurately depicts the modern American police force.

edit Appearance

She has small titties. That's it.

The only thing that makes her adorned by fanboys is her really short skirt that exposes her long, beautiful legs (dirty cop), and her hat, which makes her look like a big ass motherfucking retard. She has ribbons on her shoes, her skirt, her hat, and maybe even her rod[7] if she's not using it, because using it with the ribbon might make the judged person laugh, making punishment more severe (actually, that works).

edit Abilities

Eiki Shiki isn't just a typical jar of yam. She possesses the ability to spontaneously throw a huge amount of mysterious slow-moving glowing thingies at you, and if a mortal human touches one of them, they will asplode into several power items that you can collect to enhance yourself. She possesses the "Rod of Remorse", which, as stated earlier, will get heavier as more of a person's sins are written on it. Then the said person will get hit in the head multiple times until they decided to repent (which is ironically done by the medieval government as well). She also possesses the "Crystal Mirror", a handheld mirror made entirely of crystal meth that reflects one's sins, so if you look at yourself in the said mirror, you might find a glimpse of yourself masturbating (although using it will be very tiring for her, even if she's just holding it in front of your ugly face).

edit Sin Counter

Eiki gives every single being an imaginary sin counter, which will then count the number of sins a man might have committed. She will give you the deserved reward (or punishment) that equals to the number of sins you have committed. Here's a list of some of them (the most notable ones):

-1 You get to become "God for a day".
0 You go to Heaven and get a free lunch with God.
1 You go to Heaven... After getting beaten.
5 No TV for an hour.
10 No video games for an hour.
15 No electronic forms of entertainment for a day.
25 A boring lecture.
35 A therapy.
55 A long ass therapy.
104 A two day visit to Utah.
169 A two day visit to Beiber's house.
234 A week's vacation to Detroit
248 A permanent residence in Detroit (next to the closest criminal hideout)
314 Eating 314 apple pies for a month.
316 Eating 316 packs of communion bread for a month.
365 A shock therapy.
400 Listening to Elmo's song in an enclosed dark room, alone, guided by the CIA.
420 Limit reached. You're going to hell, which will be added to the punishments/rewards below.
421-427 (See Seven Deadly Sins for more information).
428 Reincarnated as an insect.
510 Eating your dick and only stopping in the 15th of January.
520 Choking on your vomit every three days.
525 Dipping your left foot in molten bismuth and your right foot in a bucket of molten Lego bricks.
39715 Having the "song" called the "Lincolnshire poacher" play in your head nonstop, even after your second death.
Googolplex Giving birth to a giant cactus (anally) in Super Hell.
Potato Having to take an impossible IQ test in Super Duper Super Hell, and refusal will involve a conversation with malfunctioning air conditioners.

edit Relationships

  • Komachi - Komachi (AKA the transsexual version of Death) is Eiki's subordinate, which means that she is the lesser peasant that will and must always serve Her Royal Highness Miss General Judge Yaxamanadu Eiki Shiki The First, Last, And Only Jarhead Judge In The Universe And The Protector Of The Meek, Whose Nose We Are Not Worthy To Pick. However, she will still slack off, and her excuse will always involve the size of her knockers.
  • All of Gensokyo's Residents (excluding Seija) - She will always remind everyone in Gensokyo to keep doing their jobs and do good, which is total bull. But if some are dead, she'll be ready to judge their briskets, except if they're Dutch (which is extremely rare), which always results into an instant respawning into somewhere in the Netherlands (and if you're lucky, in a girls only spa!). However, if they're not Dutch, they'll surely have to prepare themselves for the mercy of Unit 731 and the Holocaust. This is most likely restricted to Gensokyo only and not the real world, which has with their own philosophy of life and death.
  • Seija Kijin - Seija is still on FBI's Top Ten Most Wanted Fugitives due to her plan of turning the Beati Paoli's dreams come true, so Eiki's relationship with Seija is already obvious. Also, it's funny seeing you do that with your head (or laptop).
  • Flandre Scarlet - It's not known if Eiki had even realized that this basement dweller actually existed. Probably she doesn't, since that vampire has been stuck underneath the mansion for a long ass time, until Reimu Hakurei or her witch friend broke into the depths of Hell the Scarlet Devil Mansion basement and play a game which was clean and pretty... Well, clean and pretty in a blood cage Freddy VS. Jason VS Clash Of The Titans sort of way.
  • Kratos - Eiki's relationship with Kratos, the human mass murdering machine of Greece, is pretty much poorly understood, since they never even met. Historians suggest that Eiki may have known that even though Kratos had murdered many of the gods of Ancient Greece along with a shitload of motherfuckers that stood in his way, she still understood the reason why he had to do all of it, so she just let him slide[8] and avenge his family, wherein he should've thought of going to therapy instead to save millions of lives.
  • Rama - Rama is Eiki's idol. She is madly in love with this undercover cop because he is not only as badass as Rambo, but he is also the greatest example of the unbreakable power of justice. Even after he got his hamstring cut off, he still kicks like he was crazy in steroids. Eiki idolizes Rama because the movie he was in was graphic, brutal, and hot.
  • Chen Yakumo - Chen is known to be a cat, and we all know that cats are cute, and when she had a new song[9] she managed to emasculate a number of manly men, as reports stated that their balls "just ran away". That, or they actually forced themselves to cut their own balls off as an attempt to prevent growing their own ovaries.

edit Additional Information

  • Her species are one of the most feared of all that humanity fears, only two points below Satan and Justin Beeber having Beiber mandrakes as children.
  • Eiki's looks sometimes made people think she's an 8 year old self-righteous brat, which explains why she can sometimes send innocent people to hell, with weird punishments that involve jobs that is similar to that of Sisyphus's, except taking place in hell or real life, and becoming a burger.
  • Even the most powerful beings in existence (save for the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Darth Vader, grues, Chuck Norris, Jesus Christ, Buddha, and Kratos ) still fear Eiki because they know she'll be the one to decide if they will get: A) a free ticket for a two days vacation in Singapore; B) to finger Miley Cyrus and a free Kink.com BDSM cage; C) the biggest asshole award, which they must get by themselves, for it is located in hell; or D) All of the above. They will have to be judged by Eiki's own scary version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire if they die no matter what, even if they are a Freemason.
  • She has the ability to read people's minds, so trying to outwit her by using modus ponens will not work, becoming an addition to the number of sins you have committed.
  • At one time she sent the wrong guy to heaven. She then remorsefully had to hit herself in the head for the sin she had done and send herself to hell, causing quantum singularities to create an infinite paradox and asplode, again. [10]

edit References

  1. Innuendo not intended.
  2. Where some of them would wind up being dead anyway. Go read Unit 731 for more information.
  3. Which is magma, stainless steel x2, refined gold, charcoal, and teraphyx dust.
  4. And also corrupt.
  5. As a bribe.
  6. She also said that "there is no such thing as grey".
  7. Innuendo intended.
  8. Although it is rumored that she actually let Kratos do anything because that crazy Spartan is her greatest weakness.
  9. 式神サーキュレーション is the title, and no, you search it for yourself, motherfucker.
  10. Gladly enough, it was an astronomical simulation.

edit See Also

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