Ægyptüs
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: Kefaya! | |||||
| Anthem: My byramid, My byramid, My byramid | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Käïrö | ||||
| Largest city | The Catacombs Of Omm Terter Ra | ||||
| Official languages | Non-Arabic Egyptian, HTML | ||||
| Government | Full-blown Mubarakian Democracy | ||||
| National Hero(es) | His Majesty Mahm00shA | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Around 3000 B.C.E. | ||||
| Currency | Pounds | ||||
| Religion | Sunni Islam, Ikhwanian Islam, Governmental Islam, Coptic Christianity, Christain Church of Later Day Terrorists, Pastafarianism, | ||||
Egypt or Misr is one of the oldest countries in the world (the only one to contain a diphthong) and hasn't made any progress so far. It is also the most powerful city on the planet of Africa. It has been called the Cradle of Civilization, but only by people who've got it wrong. It is, however, the toilet-training seat of Civilization. By federal law you are forbidden to discuss this topic and may be sent to a secret Mars penal colony if these laws are not kept. its military teaches the soldiers to poop on the ground for the "big environment"-as they were in a war with Israel, they figured out that Israel doesn't have indoor plumbing.
Contents |
[edit] The First Rule of Ægyptüs
No one talks about Ægyptüs.
[edit] The Second Rule of Ægyptüs
No, really, no one talks about Ægyptüs.
[edit] The Third Rule of Ægyptüs
No throwing of sand is allowed. That power is reserved for the Pharaoh and/or his mother.
[edit] Geography
Ægyptüs is situated at the upper righthand corner of Africa, and it is the only populated part of that country, Africa. Ægyptüs is 96% opium farms and 4% opium dens. It is very hot over here, so you are not advised to bring any clothes with you the next time you visit Ægyptüs.
[edit] People
The people of Ægyptüs have the astounding chameleon-like ability to change their skin color. Take King Tut, for example. Sometimes he looks like a vagina twice thrice this. Other times, he looks like this. The origins and functions of this peculiar power remain known only to Tim Chow, who, thanks to his ninja training, won't say anything. In some regions a kind of a new race has started to develop. The kids being born after a certain date have much paler skin, are taller, more muscular and despite their religion have a uncontrollable craving for sausages. It seems that there is no apparent reason for this Darwinistic change and scientists (the few located in Egypt) have tried in vain to come up with an answer. Urban myths tells that it might be related to the visit of a great personality from Denmark, but the Ægyptiüsian patriarchs are not much of speaking about it.
Ægyptüs is also very famously known for not speaking their old language. The language is only spoken in coptic churches since the arabs killed the language when muslims attacked the egyptians. Now they speak a sucky arabic since they never actually learned the right one, they just picked some word from the people who were attacking them, never the less, Egyptian arabic is the sexiest arabic, because it isn't really arabic.
[edit] History
While Ægyptaen civilization was once a wonderful, enchanting, testament to the glory of mankind, that was thousands of years ago. That was when it was run by whites, but massive immigration and importation of southern Nubian slaves and mixing of these subhuman species created the Arabs you see there today. These days it's quite the shithole, overrun with sweating, smelly, shouting merchants and sneak thieves with snaggly brown teeth who think that because their ancestors built the pyramids, they're something a bit better than camel dung, which they are not. But we won't dwell on that. The Egyptian character is unique, one of a kind. The Egyptian thinks he is the smartest of all the human beings and creatures, and he still lives in the shadow of the theory of conspiracy, he feels that he is the target of all the attacks of all the world who seeks to abuse him. In the same time he is a twisted character, he believes in the Jungle law, if he is stronger than you he disrespects you as if you are a big piece of shit at the side of the road, if you look strong enough to harm him, then he treats you with the most possible way of sweetness and smiles.
[edit] Ancient Ægyptüs
Ægyptüs began as a colony of Atlantis. 'The great Ægyptüsian age is but a remnant of the Atlantean culture.' ~~ Donovan Wilde. The Atlanteans and Manuel Fraga brought pyramid technology from Mexico on balsa rafts. The Ægyptüsian pyramids follow the same basic design, or pyramid scheme, as the Aztec pyramids, that is square at the bottom and pointy up top. Other giant structures in Ægyptüs include the legendary sphincters. It was bewildered with poo which covered the mass surface area of battered dog nuts.
Following this early pre-dynastic period, the several Ægyptüsians independent cities grouped themselves in two Kingdoms: The Left Bank and the Right Bank (of the River Nile, of course). One day, about the year 3250 BC, a guy called Menes or Namerda invented the junk boat so people could make it across the River Nile to each others banks; the people got so impressed that they made him the King of The Two Lands. Since then, Ægyptüs had its first Pharaoh.
About the year 1650 Ægyptüs was invaded and conquered by a Semitic tribe called "The Hyksos". They invite their cousins, the Hebrews , to come to Ægyptüs, under false promises of reasonably priced retirement accommodation. When the Ægyptüsians finally overcome the Hyksos and expelled them from the country, they forced the Hebrews into servitude, until Moses Heston beseeched the pharaoh to let them go, crying "Get your hands off my Jews, you damned, dirty ape" and brandishing a rifle. Pharaoh Ramses let the Hebrews leave, but then changed his mind when he couldn't get proper bagels any more. Moses then used his super-powers to part the Sinai peninsula, creating the Suez Canal and allowing the Hebrews to row to freedom. Pharaoh sent his fleet after the fleeing Jews, but they were sunk by the Israeli air force.
The ancient Ægyptüsians invented the sport of surfing. As the surfboard had not yet been invented, however, they used Jews. This is one of the many reasons they were very upset about the Jews leaving, since the large, heavy tablets of polished granite that were adopted as substitutes had an unfortunate tendency to sink when placed in water.
Due to the Ten Plagues cast by Moses, the Ægyptüsians slowly started sulking, and so did not notice when a blonde Macedonian guy called Ptolemy Soter became Pharaoh in 305 BC. Cleopatra, descendant of Ptolemy Soter, was Pharaoh by the time the Romans began setting their greedy eyes on Egypt. For the sake of defending her country against the Roman imperialism, Cleopatra totally shagged Julius Caesar, for all the
We must thank these trully amazing people for creating for us what we call Marijuana and also for introducing the Exchange rate.
[edit] Early Humor
I am sorry to say that Ægyptüs is where it all began for humor. Archaeologists recently found this primitive attempt at a joke carved into the wall of king Tut's tomb:
He: Did you hear about the Sumerian?
She: What about him?
He: He was extremely stupid. Haha!
She: No, I had not heard about him.
He: Okay...did you hear about the Ethiopian instead?
She: Oh, shut up! Hey wait, was he the one who played with an ape!
The rest of the inscription is obscured by blood and the remnants of sacrificial kittens who had been huffed to death.
[edit] Modern Ægyptüs
Modern Ægyptüs started when Napoleon invaded. In centuries past, the Ægyptüsians had been conquered by the Romans, the Arabs, the Turks, the Micronesians, Mr Arthur Perkins of 15 Crown St, Plymouth and the Carebears. As such, the Ægyptüsians had become disillusioned and depressed. However, Napoleon was such an 'Ægyptüs fan boy' that he couldn't stop telling the locals how great they were and how he was a big fan, and are they going to write a sequel to the Book of the Dead.
This so raised the Ægyptüsians self-esteem that after being conquered by the English and the French (again), they decided that they were ready to go it alone once more. So a new Ægyptüsian Pharaoh rose: Cassius Clay, who converted to Islamism and changed his name to Muhammad Ali.
Muhammad Ali lost a boxe match to a young British fighter and Ægyptüs became a member of the British Colonial Empire for a while until they cut off with the United Kingdom and founded the Republic of Ægyptüs in 1952. As the Ægyptüsians were tired of Pharaohs already, they decided to make Gamal Abdel Nasser their lifeterm dictator instead. Hilarity ensued. Also see Hillary sued. See also Oscar Wilde.
[edit] Æconomy
The Ægyptüsian æconomy is almost entirely dependent upon michael adams, who likes to fornicate with his own mother, aka juliomummy-power. Mummies run (or rather lurch) in the treadmills that power the factories. They pull the ploughs that till the fields. Their scary mummy powers of walking slowly and making 'rragh!' noises helps defend Ægyptüs's borders from hostile forces.
During the Mummy Shortage of '94, Ægyptüs's æconomy was devastated. The World Bank estimated that Ægyptüs's unemployment rate was 99.9999999999999%. This rocketed to 100% once the World Bank closed it's Ægyptüs office. However, with the invention of synthetic mummies in 1996, the Ægyptüsian æconomy has returned to being a world powerhouse.
Ægyptüs now is the main exporter of seven vital products:
- Cotton – Ægyptüsian cotton is brollic in that it never, ever, ever gets dirty or tears or gets wet. This stuff is gangsta beyond a reasonable doubt, bitches.
- Beer and Malt liquor – It'll get you drunk. you'll be shagging fat chicks in no time. You might even fight with someone, and possibly get your ass beat down.
- Muscles – Ægyptüs is the world's third largest producer of biceps, quadriceps, and trapeziuses.
- Crunk – There is more crunk per capita than anyplace else in the world.
- Sex – Ancient Ægyptüsians were the first to discover sex toys, aphrodisiacs, and the thong. OH YEAH!
- Yu-Gi-Oh! cards – Why even bother?
- Deities – Ægyptüsians had more deities then any other race, although the need for multiple Deities was not discovered until the later part of the 20th century when they came to the conclusion that the Ægyptüsianians had too much damn free time.
- Sand – Ægyptüs has recently discovered that it will never run out of sand, although in return Ægyptüs must become a giant litter box.
[edit] Politics
Ægyptüs is ruled by an elected 'Pharaoh President for Life'. In a 1988 amendment to the Ægyptüsian constitution, the title of this position was altered to 'Pharaoh President Until Assassinated'. The President reports to a parliament, which is unique in being completely unelected. Anyone who happens to be in, or even near, the parliament chamber during sessions is entitled to vote. Main political parties represented include the 'Bewildered Tourist Party', the 'I Don't Know, I'm Just On My Way To Work Party' and the 'Don't Ask Me, Mate, I Just Wash The Windows Party'. Officially, the country is no longer called "Ægyptüs" because this is a racist Greek word. Instead, it is called Masr, which is the Ægyptüsian word for "rare infection of the lower pharyngeal cavity."
[edit] famous Ægyptian people
Imanu, actually a nickname for the earthly appearance of the immortal and divine Tutankhamon. for some reason, he lives in Holland now. if you ever see him, feed him noodles. you don't want to have some ancient curse cast over you, do you now?
[edit] Obligatory Picture of a Camel
Not all Ægyptüsians are "camel jockeys." Most of them are much too large. Joe Camel is not Ægyptüsian, but does like a good, cancer-causing smoke that impresses the ladies with his rancid breath.
[edit] Ancient Ægyptüsian Gods
The Head God of Ægyptüs was called 'Ra', which is short for "Roger". Ra was the god of sand and people called "Pedro." Every year, people would pay tribute to Ra by burying someone called "Pedro" in sand, then going to Burger King (later known as Burger Pharaoh).
Osiris was god of the dead. Basically because he was dead himself, and could not come to terms with that and became emo. Since nobody took the effort to explain that he was really dead and should cut the crap, he was able to have quite a successful career in that corner of the market. Ironically enough, he had never thought of a retirement plan and died from boredom.
Horus, also known as "Whore-us," was the falcon god. He had an affair with the god Set, but because he was bottom, he ran home to mommy Isis. In 2160 BC he founded the Air Force Academy, coining the phrase "Go Falcons." He was later assassinated by Ronald McDonald while they were fighting over Fast Food Franchises.
Set was the god of storms and the desert, defender of Ra's heavenly barque of the sun as it travelled across the sky. Set was responsible for fending off the attacks of the evil snake god of chaos Apep, which would make him a good guy. Unfortunately, most newbie Ægyptülogists focus on the whole "Set killed Osiris" thing and note him as the god of evil, which led to a million and one fanboys to worship Set fallaciously in their death metal garage bands. Set was a flaming homosexual, and got Horus into bed with the ancient Ægyptüsian pickup line "what a lovely backside you have."
Anubis was the original god of the underworld until Osiris moved in and kicked his ass out. Anubis attempted to break back into the underworld (which Osiris had turned into a shithole due to being a lazy git) on several occasions but was removed by Osiris' bouncers. Upon Osiris' death (the second one) Anubis was called back into the underworld, apologised to, and was given Osiris' body to cut up and rummage through, and thus became the worlds first version of the popular game Operation.
[edit] Famous Ægyptüsians
- Your Big Hairy Ape of a Mum
- Omar Sharif
- King Tut
- Cleopatra
- Muhammad Ali
- Rolf Harris
- Zahi Hawass
- Bill Clinton
- The bloke from Stargate SG-1... the one with no hair and dodgey looking eyes. Yeah, him.
- The Tweenies
- And...that's about it.
| North Africa | Algeria · Egypt · France · Libya · Morocco · Sudan · Tunisia · Turkish Empire · Western Sahara | 
|
| West Africa | Benin · Burkina Faso · Côte d'Ivoire · Ghana · Old Guinea · Guinea-Bissau · Library · Bob Marley · Mauritania · Niger · Nigeria · Senegal · Sierra Leone · Togo | |
| Central Africa | Angola · Cameroon · Belgium · Central African Republic · Chad · Democratic Republic of the Congo · Equatorial Guinea · Grab On · Republic of the Congo | |
| East Africa | Burundi · To Boogy · Eritrea · Ethiopia · Kenya · Madagascar · Malawi · Mauritius · Mozambique · Rwanda · Seychelles by the Seashore · Somalia · Tanzania · Uganda · West Kenya · Zambia · Rhodesia | |
| Southern Africa | Botswana · Gowandaland · Lesotho · Namibia · People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata · South Africa · Swaziland · Zululand· Zimbawe (AKA Rodhesia) | |
| Our Benevolent Ruler and Another One | United Kingdom : Gibraltar · Indian Ocean Territory · Isle of Wight · Welsh Congo (Pitcairn Islands) |
Civilizations and Empires Throughout History
| Sumeria - Babylon - Egypt - Persia - Greece - Roman Empire - Byzantine Empire - Ottoman Empire - Aztec Empire - China - Japan - Korea - Mongolia - India - England - France - Germany - Spain - Portugal - Kittenolivia - Bulgaria - Russia - America - Cat Nation |
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Canada ~ This country is NOT Australia ~ Canadia ~ The REAL Sheep-Shaggers ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
