Eels

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The eel is a once mythical creature which is now on the brink of extinction which was introduced to Colonial America in the early 1750's. Eels are not to be mistaken with electric eels, an invention of Thomas Edison, which are quite common today and may provide a cheap source of electricity in the near future.

Eels are creatures of great stealth and elusion and they are rarely seen outside of the back alleys of New York, New Orleans, Milwaukee and San Fransisco. Few have been sighted in broad daylight and their have been many gruesome stories of people being consumed by these strange creatures.

Eels in Colonial America were considered spawn of Satan or that of Santa. Either way, most eels were beaten to death with primitive American stone tools, some still used today in Ford factories.

edit History of Eels

Eels are rumored to have crawled up from the depths of Hell in the early 1750's (or from the depths of the North Pole, if you live in Milwaukee) and claimed the area to be known as New York as their own. In the early days of New York City, eels wriggled into back alleys and garbage cans and often dragged passersby into grimey corners where they would consume their victims.

When it started to become fashionable to travel across America in covered wagons, eels came along for the ride (historians believe eels were the ones responsible for the Donner Party tragedy). After arriving in the west, eels became the original cowboy bandits, pillaging, robbing and consuming as they saw fit. Some eels created a pact with human cowboys and were used as lassos in exchange for (as written in ancient cowboy lore) "a meal of human flesh, roughly from the Lake Tahoe area," more evidence for Donner Party consumption.

Many prominent figures throughout history were indeed, eels, the most famous being Abraham Lincoln, who was mistaken for "freeing slaves" which was not his actual intent but to make "free slaves," and historians agree, Lincoln was meaning he wanted a free meal. Slaves who escaped the genocide of eel consumption made it to Canada along with the French and many other losers. Another prominent eel in history was Gavrilo Princip, who went on to murder Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and caused the start of World War I.

edit The Threat of Eels

Since eels are (mainly) maltempered hoboes in various cities, most spend their time shouting at imaginary cell phones, people, kittens, etc...

After an eel's bought of ranting and punching of the various imaginary objects, people, kittens, etc... they will move on to binge drinking and consumeing passerbys. Very rarely will an eel commit mass genocide these days, the last case being in April of 1906 in San Fransisco, causing a mass of land to tremble and resulted in the eventual explosion of most of China Town (where eels are commonly found purchasing low grade forms of elephant sedatives).

Eels also worship the cyborg/mutant/eel Lord and Master, Cthulhu, making them first in line to have their souls devoured when he returns.

Due to the maltemper of the common street eel, they should be avoided at all costs, unless you are taking a long your ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, etc... Under these conditions, contact with the common eel may be desired. Finding an eel shouldn't be hard, just go towards the sounds of maltempered eel rage or the annual Republican Convention.

Eels can often also be found in the presence of cockney geezer- the Hitcher. Be warned, as when provoked, the hitcher will send his eels up inside you, with them finding an entrance where they can, boring through your mind through belly or even through your anus...

edit The Appearance of Eels

An eel can take many forms in its natural habitat. They can look like a slimy mutant snake worm mix, or perhaps Abraham Lincoln. Most eels found in the city are dressed like Elvis look-alikes and eat at cheap diners, usually ordering egg salad sandwiches, a food that most eels enjoy for they do not suffer the severe projectile diarrhea like their human counterparts.

Because not all eels are big fans of Elvis, many do not like to dress like him. Some make a living as Abraham Lincoln look-alikes for elementary schools, often consuming kindergarteners who sit too close to the eel.


edit Eels in Popular Culture Today

There are many famous eels, notably added into Eddie Izzard sketches whenever the audience begins to droop. Which happens more often than he would care to admit.

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