Edward the blue engine

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Edward the other blue one

See, this is what being built by Martians does to you.

“An engine that is the same colour as Thomas, but the same size as James? A mythical creature!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Edward the Blue Engine

“Don't bother me! I'm still trying to work out why Ron and Harry came to school by flying car!”
~ Severus Snape on Edward the Blue Engine
“Do you know how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?”
~ Edward the Blue Engine on Dr. Evil's henchmen

Edward is an anthropomorthic steam locomotive with a licence to kill. He used to be a major character in the TV series until Season 7, which was when Sh*t Entertainment took over the series and decided that the other engines should be left to starve for some bizarre reason. Fortunately, the non-Thomas engines survived because engines don't need to eat.

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edit Biography

edit Birth

Edward was built sometime in the Jurassic Age by Martians living in Somerset. He was built from recycled fire and lived in a tree until the 14th century, which was when being an engine was a sin, and Edward narrowly escaped getting eaten.

Edward was abandoned by the Martians shortly after birth. They never visited Edward again, and are now presumed dead.

edit Life on Sodor

In 1945, The Obese Controller bought Edward as a centrepiece - however, he discovered that Edward could deliver food to him in trucks. Overjoyed, The Obese Controller went on to buy more engines and get more food.

Edward seemed to be a constant source of irritation to The Obese Controller - as a result, Edward has been scrapped numerous times. Edward survived each of these assassination attempts, as his driver happened to be very good with Superglue.

“I stopped worrying after the first five times. After all, who really gives one?”
~ Edward the Blue Engine

edit Behind the scenes

Edward is based on an animal that is now extinct in the books. However, in the TV series he appears to look more like a cross between Big Bird and the Blue Screen of Death.

The inspiration for Edward was 'something like a non-gay Oscar Wilde, if you can imagine such a thing', according to the series creator, Michael Jackson!!!! (his name is censored for your own good).

edit In the TV series

Edward first featured in the Season 1 episode Wilde. He was portrayed as being heavily sarcastic about everything possible to be sarcastic about, and as having a desire to kill Captain Oblivious.

Edward retained his original character until Season 5, when Captain Oblivious was killed at the Battle of Obvious Hill. From then on, Edward's life changed dramatically; indeed, he was hugely disappointed that it had been Captain Obvious that killed Captain Oblivious and not him. This sparked the production of Afghanistan Thomas the Tank Engine: The Movie, although strangely Edward never featured in this film. However, he did go on to a successful career in Westerns as the train that is always about to run over the damsel tied to the tracks.

edit In the books

Edward's character in the books is dynamically different from his character in the TV series. Captain Oblivious does not seem to exist in the books, so therefore Edward can get on with life instead of wishing that Captain Obvious had never been born. As well as this, Edward is portrayed as being naive, and also thinks killing is wrong.

edit Trivia

  • Edward the Blue Engine is another way of saying sarcasm (yeah, right).
  • In 2005, it was rumoured that Edward dealt in ecstasy. This rumours were later revealed to be true (how do think James the Red Engine ended up the way he did?).
  • He also has a brother named Edward Cullen, who is the complete opposite of him!

edit See also

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