Edward Van Gemutlich
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Edward Van Gemütlich was a German man, born in poverty in the suburbs of Hamburg in the late 15th Century. He first decided to research comfort when squatting in various buildings. He would rate the comfort of furniture in places where he squatted and share the information on a squatters' notice board to help other squatters find comfortable sites. His project, named 'Are you squatting comfortably' took off and he soon became infamous with the local authorities.
[edit] Arrest
He was arrested for squatting two years after the start of his project. However, he was officially pardoned and released when he threatened to release the comfort ratings of prison furniture. The prison governor had the following to say:
“ Well, he'd given the prison furniture very poor ratings indeed. If the public were to somehow get this information, it would act as a deterrant to crime. People would think twice about going to prison if they heard the ratings he gave us. If people stopped committing crimes, there'd be no need for prisons. I'd be out of a job! Naturally, we couldn't take such a risk, so I gave him a full pardon and a warrant to squat. ”
~ Grausamer sadistischer Bastard, Governor of Hamburg prison on crack
[edit] The Gemütlich scale
Gemütlich devised a complex system with which to gauge how comfortable a chair, or other item of furniture, is. He had a scale, the Gemütlich scale. The scale goes from -3.2 up to pi in increments of 0.0278. Although people questioned his methods and his numbers, he claimed to 'have his reasons' and said no more on the matter. It is said that his padded cell rated a whopping 1.7 on the Scale, but no official records exist to confirm this, so it misses out on its place in the record books.
Advice to owners of public chairs: If you don't know the rating of the chairs, you should contact the manufacturer immediatly. If they don't know, and send the boys in white coats round, hide; then, contact +49(0)7870 480 575 and an inspector will be sent round to gauge the quality of comfiness of the chairs. If the rating is considerably below zero, just pretend it never happened and keep it quiet. If the rating is beyond a zero, display it for all the world to see. Your chairs could even make a thriving tourist trade, charging people to sit, should the rating rise above, say, a 1.5, the current record of comfiness. (He was rather picky). Any chair owning establishment such as a public library may pride itself on it's chairs' Gemütlich ratings.
[edit] Death
Gone but not forgotton, Gemütlich was buried in a coffin rated approximately 1.4, tested by many experts on the matter whom he personally trained. He was a true genius, and would turn over in his (rather confortable) grave if he were to see the state of modern school chairs. Experts have guaged the average school chair to be -3.116, far below anything around in Gemütlich's time, including torture devices.
This is a meta-humour free zone. Be thankful that: Oscar Wilde had nothing to say on the matter; in Soviet Russia, the furniture does not rate YOU!!.
