Edward Scissorhands

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Edward Scissorhands
Barber
Directed by Tim Burton
Produced by CBS
Written by Toto
Starring Johnny Depp
Music by Danny Elfman
Distributed by Tim Burton
Release date(s) December 25, 1990
Running time 7 hours 85 minutes
Language Timburtonese
Budget $1.30


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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Edward Scissorhands.
“I once knew a barber who had scissors for hands.”
~ Stanley Holloway on Sweeney Todd
“Hey listen, if you couldn't ever wipe your ass or bang one out then you'd go round killing people too, OK?!?”
~ Edward Scissorhands on himself


Edward Scissorhands is a 1990 biopic, as portrayed by Johnny Depp depicting the life of Ed Wood, edward was also the love child of Johnny Depp and Freddy Kruger but the 1950s B-movie director. The film won numerous Academy Awards including Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Director, and Best Animated Short Film. Shortly after this film, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp reunited to make The Nightmare Before Christmas on Elm Street, an animated slasher film that told the story of Freddy Krueger finally killing Sandy Claws.

Plot

Please note that, contary to all popular belief, Edward has normal hands

When the neighborhood evangelist lady, Peggy Wood, fails to make any conversions in her neighborhood, she goes to the abandoned mosque on the hill and meets Edward. Edward is a man who has scissors for hands. Angered by Edward's religion of Islam, Peggy brings him home to convert him; Edward thus must adjust to life in the suburbs. He falls in love with Peggy's daughter, Tigress Wood (no relation to Tiger Woods), who is frightened by Edward at first, but grows to love him while everybody else in the neighborhood is angry because he is Muslim, especially her jealous boyfriend, Jon, whose father was killed during the Persian Gulf War by a Muslim man.

The film climaxes (pun intended) in the attic of Edward's mosque; Jon tries to shoot and kill Edward, because he is Muslim, but Tigress grabs the gun still in Jon's hands and it is fired into the air. Jon then begins to beat Edward in the back with a long metal rod and Tigress once again comes to Edward's aid. Jon hits Tigress and kicks her into the air, sending her to Saudi Arabia. There she learns the power of Islam, and makes her pilgrimage to the Ka'aba. This enrages Jon, who journeys to Mecca to reteach Tigress the power of Christianity, where he is killed by a Muslim man. Tigress manages to keep the townspeople out of the mosque by telling them it was a place of evil.

Edward then goes to Hollywood and fulfills his dream of being a B-movie director.

The film begins and ends with some old lady telling her granddaughter the story of Edward Scissorhands. When the girl that old lady how she knows Edward is still praying in the mosque, the elderly woman answers, "Because I secretly am Muslim." The young girl, enraged, stabs the old lady to death. The story ends with the town entering the mosque, killing Edward.

Cast

  • Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands
  • Johnny Depp as Tigress Wood
  • Johnny Depp as Peggy Wood
  • Johnny Depp as Oak Wood
  • Johnny Depp as Birch Wood
  • Johnny Depp as Jon
  • Johnny Depp as Some Old Lady
  • Johnny Depp II as Emo Stunt Double
  • Maddox as Anti-Muslim Rambler
  • Samuel L. Jackson as the Guy That appears in the movie because Samuel L. Jackson is in everything.
  • Orlando Bloom as the guy who does the stupid impression on Extras
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