Edward James Olmos
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Edward James Olmos is an American and Mexican citizen, Hollywood actor, and the old guy who's probably most likely to Charlie Sheen your daughter. Olmos has long held a place in all of our hearts as the U.S. National Scary Troll of Children, as does Steve Buscemi, except that Buscemi is an actor who acts like a troll, while Olmos is probably trolling your hot spankfest of a teen dream. Despite already having died to become a zombie for a possible upcoming cameo in The Walking Dead, Olmos manages to carry on bringing us years of
shit fabulous entertainment year after year, such as appearing in a no-win situation of a revived television series created by UFOs, Battlestar Galactica.
edit Death and rebirth
Olmos, on the surface, is a cheery character, but under the surface he is a boiling chili bowl of hatred. He just cannot get over the fact that WE WON THE ALAMO, inevitably, regardless of any propaganda Olmos might hypnotize you with like a warlock. Thus the focus of his hatred was the US government, and using his affiliation with the Kentuckystan Militia, he set up the terrorist organization Borracho De Los Vendedores De Tacos.
Despite his best attempts to keep his identity a secret, it wasn't long before the US government learned of his identity. The CIA, NSA, ABC, FBI and NBC all made attempts on his life. This made Olmos even more angry, but seeing as he held the Spear of Longious, he believed himself invincible and later came to the conclusion that he was in fact God! This belief produced a large amount of hot air from the vicinity of his mouth, and this combined with a spicy bean diet caused internal combustion, which eliminated everyone within a mile of Olmos. This later become known as the Olmos Event, and every year a memorial fiesta is held in Mexico City to honour the dead from his fumes. However, this was not the end of Olmos.
Olmos, having survived death, was fueled by the hatred he felt for everyone and everything. The psychic energy of this hatred was so powerful that it could manipulate physical objects. He used this energy to craft a body from the dead that lay around him from the Olmos Event. Most of the flesh was already decayed, and the flesh that was intact was warped by the malevolent hatred in his body. This is the cause of the vile rotten husk Olmos is today.
James Olmos is not a warlike man. He is a warrior of peace
just like Islamists! Ha ha ha LOL!. Olmos emphasized that violence should only be used to Oppress and murder helpless mayan chiapas indians and destroy their filthy sub-human communist culture beautify the glorious facist empire republic of Mexico.
It wasn't just Olmos
hidious facial features encompassing charisma that frightened inspired his troops to fly the glorious flag of Mexico, it was his tactical knowledge and practical skills in the Art of War wait a second that's a Chinese war strategy book. What the hell is he doing that for?. Olmos showed his soldiers how to wield multiple weapons. His soldiers often wielded a machine gun and a battle rifle. They could change weapon using the Y button and jump with the A button.
edit Sex god
Olmos, despite being a hulking lump of decaying flesh, never seems to find it difficult to get laid. In fact, he has successfully won over Miss World contestants 13 years in a row.
How did he do it? How do most successful Mexicans do it? He deals and sells cake to get money, which he uses to pay bitches and hos to do it with him. For a wad full of cash, wouldn't you do it?
He is also known, on occasion, to shave his face with a fork.
edit Time as an Imam
Olmos, with the help of his political ally/male companion Hugo Chavez, shaved the pubes of his wart-encrusted groin and stuck them on his face. Now with a beard, he looked like a Muslim.
But why would he want to do this? Because Muslims are the only people in the world who are as hate filled as Edward James Olmos.
Olmos journeyed to his local Mosque to become a Imam. Fortunately there was a vacancy, because the previous Imam had suicide-bombed a government building the previous day. Olmos attended the interview, and had to pass many tests such as hijacking planes, creating dynamite, and abusing women. Fortunately, all of these are favorite pastimes of Mexico and Olmos passed the interview with flying colors.
Olmos became an Imam amd fufilled his role of recounting the Star Wars saga as is normal with Mosque sermons. At first it was good, the Muslims were impressed by the raging hatred that swelled within Olmos. But not long after, Olmos' rage and vile hatred became too much for even the Muslims, so they decleared Jihad on Olmos and Mexico.
You may wonder why you might not have heard about any of this on the news, but it's because no one realy gives a shit about Mexico, despite it being the industrial heartland and major source of labor for the United States.