Edward Elric
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| Edward Elric | |
 | |
| The puny douchebag alchemist himself | |
| First appearance | Honey, I Shrunk the Kids |
| Last appearance | The Littlest Pet Shop |
| No. appearances | Way too many |
| Created by | Tom Cruise |
| Portrayed by | A Bean |
| Profile | |
| Nickname(s) | Greasy, Shorty Spot-Spot, halfmetal alchemist, dwarf |
| Aliases | Full Chin Alchemist |
| Species | Horse |
| Age | Always under the legal age and legal height |
| Gender | Hermaphrodite and transvesite |
| Date of birth | 15 years ago |
| Date of death | Every two seconds |
| Starsign | virgo (poor boy was too "short" to get laid) |
| Occupation | Finding a body for his metal brother "poor alphonse is fed up of not getting laid) |
| Family | tin foil |
| Spouse(s) | His metal brother |
| Children | The Human Race |
| Relatives | None |
| Address | The whorehouse |
| Religion | Satanism |
| Nationality | Germany |
| Would Stewie Griffin mature him/her? | Only with domino |
|  This article needs love | |
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“He's as short as me.”
~ Prince on Edward Elric
Edward Elric is the well know fullmetal alchemist from the anime "FullMetal Alchemist" (obviously). The anime potrays his quest to steal his brother's immortality by giving him a mortal human body and also his quest to find the philosopher's stone (J.K Rowling is totally pissed with them for copying her "Sorcerer's stone") so that he can get his limbs back and ruin his brother's immortality.
[edit] Main Characters
Edward Thomas Elric (also known as Eduardo El Rico) is the protagonist of anime documentary called Fullmetal Alchemist. He's a midget, usually compared to be size of a bean. In reality he's much smaller and can be seen only by an electron microscope. He is also a true hermaphrodite, possessing both testicles and a uterus; and therefore, able to fertilize his own eggs. He's constantly being sexually interrupted by Snape, who apparently killed Dumbledore using his methods not suitable for under-age people. He is also seventh in line to the British throne, the current Earl of Wessex, and a little lad who loves berries and cream. His best friend is Vegeta since both of them can relate to each other in the stupidity and shortness zone.
He has a walking tin can as his brother, called Alphonse Elric. Apparently he's just Edward's imaginary friend, because anime Edward is such a lonely and angsty character. When trying to retrieve their dead mother Alphonse lost his body (and after that Edward started to play with tin cans - he left Alphonse's soul in a pokéball), and Edward lost his left arm and right leg and replaced them with automail. Later he wanted to make some new fancy tin cans for his collection and he became a State Alchemist called Full Chin Alchemist.
At The Conquerer of Whambamshamalam Edward was just running around and killing random people for fun, just to be sure that he could have kinky parties called holocausts with Adolf Hitler. He also killed his wnb-brother Alfonse Heiderich , and just to be sure having VIP-place for the party he killed his father Hohenheim as well as the humunculi Envy, Wrath, Izumi Curtis, Elvis Presley, King Bradley/Pride, Yoki, Mufasa, Sirius Black, Kakashi and Napoleon Dynamite. As a killing method he used a large hammer, stolen from Rabi, the sexiest exorcist ever.
In manga version Edward usually acts a little bit different, commonly flashing his private parts to little Xingese girls and poor pandas and playing dress-up with Razor Ramon HG.
He later turned into a horse and chose to be one for the rest of his now immortal life. It also makes him taller.
Roy mustang is basically Edward's boss who is a dickless womanizer. He finds happiness in molesting people (practically the reason why Edward hated him). The only man *cough* woman he doesn't molest is his secretary who's dying to get molested by him. Finally when the series came to an end, Mustang was kidnapped by his assistant and she feeds him apples (Ryuk is planning to write her name in the death note since the bitch is stealing all his apples)
[edit] Relationships
Edward, for all show and evidence, is asexual. However, he sustains a kinky relationship with Winry Rockbell as a form of payment for the automail she provides him with. He has a relationship with Roy Mustang as the pedophile of a Colonel has him be his fuck buddy, in return for getting him into a military where he can die at anytime and for giving Ed information on a non-existent stone. Everyone is aware of the relationship even though the Colonel and Ed think that it is completely secret. Some of people say that he also had something with Envy, Rose Bitchface, or even Tin Can Man, which are totally false. Envy's in love with Harry Potter, Rose Bitchface is obviously a lesbian twice his age; Tin Can Man is an imaginary friend.
There has been rumour, that Edward has a great harem of fangirls that will satisfy his every sexual desire with the crook of a metallic finger. However he's STILL too shy to read the porn his loved friend Adolf Hitler gives to him for free. He's also known to expose himself to Xingese pandas in an obvious display of beastiality fetish.
It is also worth mentioning that Edward is related to Prince A.K.A the artist formerly known as symbol. Think about it, they are both short and they both do really "crazy" things. Ed also says who ever made this is a total fag
[edit] Skills
Edward can do many fancy little magic tricks, and who couldn't, when named as Full Chin Alchemist. Nowadays he is a fat, lazy housewife who continues making babies even though he got into the Guiness Book of World Records for having the most babies a LONG TIME AGO.
